‘Who is she?’ Lou asked.
‘Dunno,’ Dylan shrugged. ‘Probably didn’t even know him. Grief tourist or something.’
‘I don’t think that’s a thing,’ Ella said.
‘Maybe she just fancies a free buffet? Anyway. Keep away from her. She’s mean.’
Dylan took another drag of the cigarette and held it out to Ella. She shook her head. Dylan dropped it to the ground and stubbed it out with his shoe.
‘Where’s Mum now?’ Ella asked him.
‘Talking to the vicar.’
‘Is he hot?’ Issey said.
Ella snorted. Dylan looked horrified. ‘God, no.’ He looked from Lou to Paige, via Ella, Issey and Liane and then said, ‘Wait. Is there a vicar on your list?’
‘Oh my god, Dyl, no!’ Ella said, closing her eyes.
‘There should be,’ Lou said, bumping her with her shoulder.
‘Mum’s coming out,’ Dylan said, flicking the cigarette butt away with the toe of his shoe.
Lou squeezed Ella quickly and then held back as Ella walked ahead to join her mum and brother in the car back to their house.
‘She’ll be OK,’ Dylan told Ella, his mouth right up against her ear.
They’d been home for a couple of hours and pretty much everyone was well on the way to being hammered.
For the first half hour their mum had fussed around everyone, fiddling with the buffet, topping up drinks, but now she was in the garden with her friend Cheryl, and Ella could hear them screeching with laughter.
Ella nodded. Her mum had good friends. She didn’t need to worry as much as she did. She finished her wine. She’d told herself it was the last one she was going to have, but when Dylan held out the bottle, she let him fill her up again.
‘Hey,’ she heard from behind her and she was already crying as she turned.
Nick wrapped his arms around her and Ella felt Dylan take the wine glass out of her hand.
‘Can we go upstairs?’ Ella said against Nick’s neck. ‘To my room.’
‘Course, babe,’ he said.
She half pushed him out of the room and stopped in the hallway to kiss him.
‘I’m so glad you’re here.’
He stroked her hair away from her face. ‘I’m sorry I’m so late. I wish I could’ve –’
Ella shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. The girls were here. You’re here now. Come on.’
He followed her upstairs to her room and she sat down on the edge of her bed.
‘Are you all right?’ he said, shaking his coat off and hanging it over the back of her office chair.
‘No,’ she said. ‘But I will be. Come and lie down.’
She swung her legs up on the bed and shuffled up until her head was on the pillow. Nick lay next to her, his hand on her waist.
‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ she said again.
Nick kissed her. ‘Me too.’
Ella shuffled closer until her whole body was pressed up along Nick’s side. And then she fell asleep.
Chapter 40
‘I think we all need a night out,’ Lou said.
Apart from Paige, who was working at the dining table, they were all lying across both of the sofas. Scandal on the TV. A family bag of Kettle Chips on the coffee table. Lou had heard from the university that Kyle had been asked to leave with immediate effect, and his behaviour reported to the police. She hadn’t been contacted by the police yet, but it was only a matter of time.
‘Same,’ Ella said. ‘No money though.’
‘You know what we should do?’ Issey said. ‘Use the Fuck It List money. I mean, there must be, like …’ She screwed her face up as she worked it out in her head. ‘Eighty quid? At least.’
‘If everyone’s been putting in,’ Liane said. ‘Has everyone been putting in?’
‘I’ll go and get it,’ Lou said, jumping up from the sofa.
‘Wait,’ Paige said, pushing her chair back from the table. ‘I’ll get it. I need a break from –’
Lou was already at the door. ‘You’re OK. I’m going to grab a drink too.’
When Lou came back up, she had a bottle of Corona in one hand, the Illy coffee can in the other.
Paige had moved to sit on the sofa next to Liane. Lou put the can on the coffee table and reached out to unscrew it.
‘Dying to know how much there is,’ she said, grinning at the other girls. ‘Maybe we could get dinner as well?’
‘There’s not going to be enough for dinner,’ Ella said. ‘Unless you’ve all been getting way more than me.’
‘Not more,’ Issey said. ‘Just with more people.’
‘Wait,’ Paige said, leaning forward and grabbing Lou’s wrist. ‘Wait. Don’t open it.’
‘You think we should wait ’til the end of term?’ Ella asked.
Paige shook her head. ‘It’s empty. I borrowed the money.’ She closed her eyes for a second and when she opened them, looked around at the other girls. ‘I mean, I took the money. I was going to pay it back. I promise you. I’m behind on the bills. I’ve missed payments on my cards. My laptop’s knackered. I’m working all the shifts I possibly can.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m so sorry. It sounds total shit to say I never thought you’d find out, but that’s how I justified it to myself.’
‘Why didn’t you tell us how bad it was?’ Ella said.
Paige pushed her glasses up on her head and rubbed one eye with the heel of her hand. ‘My dad’s selling our house and he’s said I’ll get some money from that, so I thought even if I didn’t manage to pay it back sooner, I could pay it back then. I thought I still had some time. And I didn’t want to be the one who couldn’t pull her weight, you know? You’ve all got your shit together. And I’m eating twelve-p cup-a-noodles and fucking everything up.’
‘We absolutely have not got our shit together,’ Lou said. ‘Jesus. I’ve been stalked. I’m waiting for the police to call me for a statement. And even mostly perfect Ella’s been hiding her famous fucking brother like something from, I don’t know, Hollyoaks.’
‘I asked out the guy in Bean and he said no. So now I can’t go there any more,’ Liane said. ‘And it turns out that’s the least of my problems.’
She glanced at Issey before she could stop herself but, to Liane’s relief, Issey was looking at Paige and didn’t see.
‘I went on a date with a sixteen-year-old, Paige!’ Issey said. ‘I should be locked up.’
It was only when Paige laughed wetly that they realised she was crying. She rubbed her face again. ‘I’m so happy I met you all. I’m sorry I’m such a fucking mess.’
Lou was the first to put an arm around her, but the other three quickly followed, all piled on top of one another on the sofa, arms and legs tangling and feet bashing against the coffee table.
‘We’re meant to be a mess,’ Lou said, when they eventually detangled themselves. ‘It’s what uni’s for.’
Chapter 41
‘Come and dance with me!’ Liane yelled, trying to make herself heard over the sound of DJ Khaled’s ‘All I Do Is Win’.
The club had free entry and they’d all agreed they could manage it if they stuck to the cheapest drinks, paced themselves, and split own-brand shopping for the next couple of weeks.
Lou shook her head. She was grinding against some boy who was wearing glasses Liane hoped were ironic: huge and rimless, possibly also tinted. Hideous.
Liane looked around the club for Ella, but she hadn’t seen her since not long after they’d arrived. She was probably off in a booth somewhere kissing Nick. Paige was standing at the bar, talking to a tiny woman in an even tinier dress.
‘I’m going to go and find her,’ Liane said – pointlessly, since no one was listening.
She pushed her way off the dance floor, apologising as she bumped into a boy just as he held a beer up to his mouth.
‘Bitch,’ he spat out, wiping his chin with the back of his hand.
Liane paused for a second, one foot on the step, the other still on
the dance floor. She wanted to yell at him, tell him it was an accident, ask him why he was so aggressive, but she also suddenly felt like she was about to cry, and there was no way she was going to be the girl crying in the club. She kept walking.
She found Ella and Nick exactly where she’d thought they’d be. In a booth, Ella sitting sideways on, her legs hanging over Nick’s, his hand on her thigh under her sequinned skirt.
‘Come and dance!’ Liane said. ‘I love this song. And we should all be together. Don’t you think?’
‘OK,’ Nick said, his mouth against Liane’s ear. ‘I just need the loo. Meet you down there.’
He kissed Ella on the mouth, before heading off to the loos. Liane watched him weave through the dancers. She saw him say something to Lou, who laughed and pressed a kiss to his cheek. He glanced back at Ella, looking partly bashful and partly something else. Liane felt rather than heard Ella laugh and she turned to look at her. Ella was looking at Nick with such happiness and love that Liane felt her eyes well with tears. God, what was wrong with her? Was she due on? That must be it. She felt Ella squeeze her hand – she hadn’t realised Ella was even holding her hand – but she squeezed back and then tugged on her arm.
‘Let’s go and dance.’
On the way past the bar, they grabbed Paige, who left the tiny woman behind. When Nick came back from the loo, he’d found Issey.
By the time they all made it to the dance floor, DJ Khaled was over, but they carried on dancing anyway. Liane loved it. The music was loud, the lights were flashing, she was with her friends who she loved. Nick and Ella were trying to dance and kiss at the same time while Lou yelled at them to get a room. Paige turned out to be an incredible dancer. Issey was filming them all on her phone. She turned to Liane, her eyes bright, shouting, ‘I love this!’
Liane felt like the music had stopped. Like the room had gone dark. Like she was the only person there. Just her. And Issey.
She grabbed Issey’s arm. ‘Can we go somewhere?’
‘Now?’ Issey yelled back.
Liane nodded.
And then they were moving through the club. They weren’t touching any more, but Liane could feel Issey right next to her. She didn’t even look back. Their friends would be fine. They were all going to be fine.
At the door, Liane put her key in the lock, but of course it wouldn’t turn. She kicked the base, muttering ‘fuck fuck fuck’ to herself as she twisted the key.
‘Don’t,’ Issey said from behind her. ‘You’ll break it. Let me do it.’
Liane moved to one side, leaning back against the wall. The bricks felt rough through her thin dress. Her hands were shaking.
Issey pushed the door open and Liane followed her inside.
‘What’s wrong?’ Issey asked, as Liane pushed the door closed.
‘I kissed you,’ Liane said.
Issey’s eyes went wide.
‘And then I just fucking bottled it,’ Liane said. ‘And there’s a few reasons and I want to tell you about them, but really I just … I want you to know that I don’t regret it. And I’m sorry if you do, but –’
‘I don’t,’ Issey said. ‘I never did.’
‘I thought …’ Liane said. ‘I mean … I was so drunk. And I wasn’t thinking. And then you didn’t say anything about it. And I told myself I shouldn’t have done it. And it was better just to forget it.’
‘Do you still think that?’ Issey said.
Liane stared at her. She took a breath. ‘No. I’m glad I did it.’
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ Issey said. ‘I mean … you’re my best friend. And it felt like you were trying to keep away from me –’
‘I was,’ Liane said. ‘A bit. Cos I was scared I was going to kiss you again.’
They stared at each other across the hall.
‘Kiss me again,’ Issey said.
Issey didn’t even see Liane move, but suddenly Liane’s mouth was on hers. She kissed her softly at first, but then Issey heard or felt herself gasp and Liane pressed up against her and her mouth became more insistent. Issey didn’t know what to do with the rest of her body. She wanted to touch, but she wasn’t sure if she was allowed. And anyway, her arms felt dead. Fucking cheap vodka.
‘This OK?’ Liane whispered.
‘God,’ Issey said before she could stop herself. ‘Yeah.’
Liane kissed her again, and Issey felt her tongue sliding against her lips. She opened her mouth and Liane’s tongue slipped against her own. Issey gasped again and pressed her hands flat against the wall. If she didn’t, she knew she’d grab Liane’s hips, maybe hook her legs up around her waist.
‘Can we go upstairs?’ Issey said against Liane’s mouth.
‘God,’ Liane said. ‘Yeah.’
They practically ran up the stairs. Issey wanted to laugh. Laugh and shout, ‘Oh my god! Liane kissed me! Again! Finally!’
‘Here?’ Liane said, as they reached Issey’s door.
‘Yeah.’
Liane pushed the door open and Issey followed her in, only having a moment to notice that her bed and floor were covered in clothes and magazines and textbooks, before Liane was kissing her again.
Issey let her own tongue stroke against Liane’s, ran it along her bottom lip, gently sucked her top lip for just a second before letting Liane take control again. Liane tasted like beer and smoke and lipstick. Issey had thought – when she’d let herself think about kissing Liane – that tasting lipstick, the feel of it sliding against her own lips, might be weird. But it wasn’t. It was soft and sweet and she wished she hadn’t wiped her own lipstick off earlier in the evening so she could have imagined the colours swirling together on their mouths.
Issey had no idea how long they kissed for. It sort of seemed like forever, but it also felt like only seconds later that Liane was pulling back and saying, ‘Wow.’
‘Yeah,’ Issey said, her voice cracking.
‘Good?’
‘Yeah.’
Liane leaned in and kissed her once more. Just quickly, the kind of peck she would have given Issey in the past. When they were friends. Just friends. And now they were more than friends. There was no question of that.
Issey thought about asking if they could kiss more. If they could maybe do more than kiss. But she couldn’t make the words come out. Instead she took the couple of steps across the room to her bed and shoved everything onto the floor.
‘You’re such a slob,’ Liane said, laughing.
Issey lay down on the bed and looked up at Liane.
‘You look beautiful,’ she said, her voice small.
‘God, Iz,’ Liane said. She was still standing at the foot of the bed, looking down at her. For a second, Issey worried Liane didn’t want this after all. That she was going to turn and leave. But instead she lay down next to Issey.
Issey’s fingers twisted in the bedding. She felt flat, like a rock was holding her down. But she also felt lighter than she had maybe ever. Like she could float up off the bed. Before she realised she was doing it, her hand was stroking down Liane’s side, curling into her hip.
‘I thought it might be weird,’ Liane said, her voice low. ‘After everything. But it wasn’t.’
‘No,’ Issey whispered. She brushed her fingers over the fabric of Liane’s dress, wondered what Liane would do if she pushed her dress up, slid her hands up over her skin, rolled on top of her and kissed her collarbones, braced her legs either side of one of Liane’s and rolled her hips.
‘I can stay in here, yeah?’ Liane said.
‘Course,’ Issey said.
Chapter 42
‘Oh god, I feel like shit,’ Lou said.
She was sitting on the terrace, her head resting on her arms, eyes closed, hoodie pulled up and covering most of her face.
‘I’m not too bad,’ Ella said from the other side of the table. ‘I think I might still be pissed.’
‘Are you seeing Nick today?’ Lou asked, resting her chin on her arms long enough to squint at Ella before fl
opping back down again.
‘Nah. Thought I’d hang out with you guys.’
‘Is he busy?’
Ella snorted. ‘No! Well, I mean, he’s working. But I totally could’ve gone to hang out with him at the shop.’
‘Where are Liane and Issey?’ Lou said after a while.
Ella looked up from her phone. Nick wasn’t meant to have his phone on the shop floor, but he did anyway. ‘In Liane’s room, I think.’
Lou looked over at the patio door, a small frown on her face, and then said, ‘Do you think they’re doin’ it?’
‘No!’ Ella said. ‘Really?’
‘I was just thinking … When I went to Liane’s room last night, they were both flushed and giggly and Issey had sex hair.’
‘Wow,’ Ella said. ‘But you know they’re close. They might’ve just been messing.’
‘Nah. I think they’re lesbian loverssssss.’
‘Wow,’ Ella said. ‘So they can tick that off the list then.’
Lou laughed. ‘Did you forget the point of the Fuck It List was not to worry about relationships so we could focus on work? We’ve all failed miserably.’
‘I haven’t,’ Ella said. ‘I’m working and I’ve got a relationship.’
‘Yeah, all right, you smug cow,’ Lou said. ‘We’re not counting you.’
Ella grinned. ‘I don’t even care.’
By the time Paige joined them, Ella was reading on her phone and Lou was asleep with her head on the table.
‘I’ve just been talking to my dad,’ Paige said, both hands wrapped around a mug of tea. ‘He sounded much better. The house sale is going through and he’s exchanged on the flat. I should get a cheque sometime soon, but he doesn’t know exactly when.’
‘That’s good,’ Ella said. ‘And how are you doing?’
‘I’m feeling better too,’ Paige said. ‘Thank you. Again.’
Ella shook her head. ‘It’s fine. As long as you’re OK. And you promise to tell us if you need us in future.’
‘We’re all nosy cows,’ Lou said, her voice muffled by her sleeve. ‘We’ll all be in your business all the time now.’
‘I thought you were asleep!’ Ella said, kicking Lou lightly under the table.
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