by Renee Tyler
However, I was extremely proud of myself and the progress that I was making. I’d registered and started classes. I was going to finish my degree in Communications. Since I loved music but had no desire to be a singer, I always wanted to try to get a job in radio. I’d already been scanning job boards to get a foot in the door. I started Wayne State in Detroit when I graduated from high school, but Shane literally stomped those fires when I was really close to graduating. I was surprised that so many of my credits transferred, and I was actually closer to my degree than I thought.
I’d aced my first tests in all my classes. I’d been promoted to Marcus’ position as team leader. He moved up to the Finance department. He’d finally be able to put his degree to use. Everything was coming up team L’oriel. We all went out and celebrated last night. Now I was preparing to give my praises in church this morning, and look super cute while doing it.
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I was glad Charity saved me a seat. However, I hated when the ushers made us squeeze in because now I had an empty seat next to me. Last week, I had some guy that tried to talk to me the entire service. I could barely keep up and take notes. I was trying to be Christian-like, but he really tried my nerves, especially since his breath was tart. I wouldn’t be able to hold back on someone today. I turned towards Charity.
“If your buddy comes back over here this Sunday, it will take the power of God All Mighty to get my hands from around his neck. I’m not about that mess today. I want to hear the word without his constant interruption.” Charity shook her head and laughed at me; she began to open her mouth to speak when my eyes widened, and the hair on my arms stood up. Charity clamped her mouth shut and stared at me initially with a look of confusion. I felt the buzz of electricity in the air, and smelled his familiar scent. I stayed turned toward Charity as my heart rate rose. I could feel when he took the seat next to me. I was afraid to turn around. Charity’s eyes bounced with amusement as she took note of Troy’s presence. She bumped Marcus’ leg to make him turn to pay attention. He dramatically huffed and turned, probably ready to curse her as best he could in the house of the Lord, particularly because of the way she was nudging him. When he turned and realized what was going on, a smile began to play on his lips.
“Hey Troy, it’s good to see you this morning,” he called out, still amused at my reaction to my love and former lover sitting next to me after all this time. Troy reached over me and shook Marcus’ hand, and gave Charity a playful nudge before he let his hand graze the tops of my knees. I immediately clamped my legs, attempting the stop the throbbing that was going on that shouldn’t have been going on.
The praise team took the stage, and Charity twirled her index finger around in a gesture to tell me to turn around in my seat. I rolled my eyes at her and turned. I knew her and Marcus were really getting a kick out of my reaction to Troy, especially since I opened my big mouth the other night declaring that I was over him as I took shot after shot, claiming team new boo all night. I danced and flirted with random dudes and even accepted a few phone numbers. Gah, he would show up to church today of all days and shoot holes all in my little facade. He knew what he was doing too, stretching out his long legs and ensuring to touch his leg against mines. He broadened his shoulders, holding his hands in a steeple, taking over my arm rest and making sure his solid arm rubbed against mine. I wanted to roll my eyes at him too, but was too afraid to look in his direction. He knew he’d get a reaction out of me. I shook my head and pulled my shoulders back, determined to appear unaffected. Okay Mr. Williamson, you want to play games.
As soon as the praise team begins to sing In the Sanctuary, I stand, swaying my hips side to side while clapping my hands. I can feel Troy’s eyes burning into my behind. I was mentally battling between excitement and annoyance. This is the last place we needed to carry on the way we were. I really came for the word today. I didn’t want any sexual tension and mixed emotions getting in the way of me receiving and accepting the message.
It had been almost two months since I’d laid eyes on Troy—well, in the flesh at least. I’d stalked his private Facebook and Instagram page. I found out that he’d been in Los Angeles and Miami. I’d been telling myself that I didn’t care, that I was slowly getting over him just as I’d gotten over Shane. However, in all my so-called getting over, I’d picked up on my drinking. I did well at first, mostly continuing my ritual of having a glass of wine in the tub when I got home as a way to unwind. However, lately my wine has been replaced with vodka. I didn’t think it was that bad until Marcus and Charity brought it to my attention, especially when we went out a couple of weeks ago and they had to carry me in the house. Also, it wasn’t the first time in the last few weeks. This is why church was so important to me today. I feel myself slipping and though I’ve made some steps to take my life in a better direction financially and personally, I’ve somehow lost myself emotionally because of a man. I’ve begun with the Raiel starter pack—drink and when the drinking doesn’t numb you anymore, take up with as many men as possible, hoping they’ll help you forget the one you really want.
I cringed every time the pastor said turn to your neighbor. I kept turning towards Charity, who was turning to Marcus. I wanted to smack her silly because she was doing it on purpose. I never turned towards Troy and said anything. I could see him out the corner of my eye turning toward me every time, but I never gave him the satisfaction. Besides, Sister too much perfume that sat behind him didn’t have a problem being his neighbor.
As soon as church was over, I quickly ran towards the exit while Troy, Charity, and Marcus were held up in conversation. Charity, Marcus, and I had plans to go to brunch afterward, but I couldn’t wait around for them. I don’t know how I even made it through the service. I eventually shut off my emotions and completely focused on the word, and boy did Pastor Turner touch on exactly what I needed to hear. He talked about looking in the rearview mirror. He said that when God delivers you from something, you shouldn’t keep focusing on what he removed from your life. That definitely resonated with me.
I could feel his presence as I made my way to my car. I hit my key fob, hoping to make it to my car before he approached.
“L’oriel!” he called out. I didn’t turn around or even pause. I kept a steady pace right towards my car. “L’oriel! Dang on it, don’t make me curse on holy ground. Will you wait up? Please,” he pleaded behind me. I was almost to my car, and I thought I was home free when his long arms caged me, in preventing me from opening my car door. My heart rate increased. “Why are you running from me, L’oriel?” I was panting and he was cool as a cucumber. I could feel the heat emanating off his body. I fought my body’s natural inclination to lean into him.
“I haven’t heard from you in almost two months, Troy. What could you possibly want to talk to me about now?” He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t put me on ice, then think he’s just going to come around and I’m going to fall at his feet. Even if my body still responded to him, he couldn’t just put me on the shelf and decide to take me off at his leisure. Oh no, I had more pride than that.
“I want to tell you that I missed you. I didn’t call because at the time, I didn’t know what to say.” I rolled my eyes.
“But you’ve figured out what you want to say now…after all this time.” My back was still to him. I could see his reflection in the car window. I saw him struggling to keep his hands above my head. He looked as if he wanted to wrap me in his arms, and it almost broke my resolve. He closed his eyes.
“L’oriel. I missed you so much. Believe me, it hasn’t been easy to stay away from you these last two months. They’ve been the worst. Have brunch with me? So we can talk.” I began to shake my head.
“No. Troy. No.” I heard my voice crack. I was just getting used to the idea of Troy not wanting to deal with my deception, and coming to terms with that. Now he wants to show up out of nowhere and what? I’m supposed to just magically fall back into his arms? What did he expect? I’m annoyed with him, and by my own r
eaction to him. In honesty, I shouldn’t have even been this affected by him. He left–he chose.
“L’oriel…” he says as he finally wraps his arms around me, and my body immediately stiffens as he turns me in his arms so that we’re facing each other. “I miss you. Can we talk? Please” His eyes were pleading with me. I sigh and shake my head no again.
“Troy. You can’t do this.” I place my hands on his hard chest to try and keep him from pulling me closer in his embrace, but touching him, feeling his warmth and rapid beating heart causes my heart rate to increase. I close my eyes to gather myself. I was so tempted to surrender. “You can’t show up at church and disrupt my life after you’ve been absent for almost two months. That’s a long time to go without someone you claim to have missed so much.” Despite what came out of my mouth, I allow my head to fall forward in his chest as he pulls me towards him tighter. I inhale deeply, taking in his scent. I want to say yes, but I put myself out there that day in his kitchen. I’m focused on my career and growing as a person. I don’t want anything or anyone to take that away from me. I don’t know if I know how to be in a relationship and focus on the goals that I’d set for myself. It hadn’t worked in the past. However, the warmth and comfort that I felt in his arms was forcing an internal struggle.
“Okay. I can respect that,” he says, and kisses the top of my head before releasing me. Before my brain can register what he’s just said, he’s already let me go, crossed the parking lot, and was getting into his black Escalade. My mouth flew open in shock. How’d he just given up that easily? I want to call after him – make him come back. However, my feet and mouth wouldn’t cooperate. Marcus pulls on the side of me with Charity on the passenger side as I watch Troy’s Escalade leave the parking lot.
“So how’s team looking for a new boo feeling right now?” I immediately cut my eyes to the two of them as they chuckle. “Shut up and let’s go to brunch.”
I was picking at my French toast when I receive a message. When I look down and see that it’s from Troy, I can’t stop the corners of my mouth from turning up. I ignore the knowing looks that Charity and Marcus share as I open the text message:
Troy: I shouldn’t have left things the way I did between you and I. I stayed away without letting you know how I felt. L’oriel, I feel more for you than I’ve ever felt for anyone in my life. I didn’t want to let you go then, and I can’t let you go now. Can we start over?
He used emojis. He used the heart emoji, the smiley face with the heart, and the one blowing a kiss. I smile so hard that my jaws hurt. I’d always tease him about texting all those words when he could use emoji’s. I told him he was such an old man. He’d respond saying he doesn’t have time to search through pictures of smiley faces. Besides, he was a grown ass man and he was not about to be texting smiley faces and shit. The jubilation that I felt almost had me bouncing in my seat. He really liked me and wanted to be more than friends. As excited as I was, I couldn’t let my emotions overcome my common sense. I wasn’t going to make it easy for him despite my omission. I want to set the course for a different type of relationship than the one I had before.
Me: Well since you’re using emojis, am I supposed to know it’s real?
I enter the eye roll emoji and sit back in my seat, waiting for him to reply.
Troy: Hell yeah. You know I don’t mess around with this lame shit. It’s all for you. To let you know how I’m feeling (Smiley Face emoji with the teeth showing). Have dinner with me?
Before I get a chance to respond, another text comes through.
Troy: You miss me.
No smileys faces are joined with the text, and I can just imagine the sexy stare he does with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth - that makes my stomach and sex clench. Do I say yes to dinner, and yes to missing him?
Me: Pleading the 5th. I don’t know if I’m ready for dinner with you yet. Call me later and I’ll answer.
Troy: Ok. We’ll play this your way for now (winking smiley face emoji)
I finally put my phone down and look up to meet Charity and Marcus’ eyes.
“So, what’s up? You over there smiling like a fat kid with cake,” Marcus says with a raised eyebrow. Charity giggles over the food in her mouth.
“Yeah. A big ole piece of fine, rich caramel cake,” Charity says, continuing to giggle.
“Ya’ll are so irritating,” I reply and stick my tongue out.
Since Troy didn’t call when I thought he would, I started washing my hair. I’ve been trying to put less heat on my hair, so I have it in four ponytails. I’ve placed elastic bands down the length of my hair. I was trying out something called the stretching method. I’d learned from watching YouTube videos. It’s supposed to stretch my hair without me applying heat, so the only heat that I’ll put on my hair is flat irons.
For some reason, my face has been breaking out lately. I type a reminder into my phone to call the doctor to see if I need an adjustment to my birth control pills. I didn’t have pimples in high school. I purchased my first bottle of pimple cream yesterday; now I have little white spots on my face, attempting to rid myself of the sudden emergence of puberty. As I type the reminder in my phone, I’m thinking about forgoing birth control altogether since currently I’m not having sex, and if I have sex with Troy he uses condoms religiously, so I really have nothing to worry about.
I had my glasses on since I’d popped out my contacts. I put on a stretched out t-shirt and cotton shorts. I was nice and comfortable in bed, reading my book for my African American Popular Culture class. As soon as I propped my book up on a pillow so I wouldn’t have to bend further to read it, my FaceTime alert went off. Oh. Hell. No. Now he wants to call. Ugh. I wanted to talk to him so I answer and hold the phone away from myself.
“L’oriel, where you at baby?” I let out an exaggerated moan.
“Troy. I’m indecent right now, can I call you back on the phone?” He laughs.
“Hell no. Little girl, I’ve seen you naked. I want to see you. If you won’t have dinner with me, can’t you at least let me look at you?”
“Troy,” I whine.
“What baby? Come on. I missed you, girl. Your body is beautiful. I know you’re not shy. Maybe we can have some real fun with FaceTime,” he says with his voice full of suggestion. I suck my teeth. “I’m clothed, freaky old man. I’m just…ugh…I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“L’oriel. I’ve seen you with your face swollen like a pumpkin. I’ve seen you vomit all over my car and yourself. I’ve seen you naked. I’ve had my face in the place.” When he says that, he causes my sex to clench at the thought of his face in the place. His tongue did awesome things to my place. “Baby, I think we’re past the point in our relationship where you try and be cute in front of me.” I can hear the mirth in his voice. “Come on now girl, I’m curious. I gotta see why you’re hiding. Don’t make me come over there.” Ugh. I suck my teeth and decide to go ahead and let him see me at my worst. I turn the phone so that the camera is facing me and twist my lips into a smirk, waiting for his reaction.
“Baby. I know I’m not up on all the things girls do to their hair, but why do you have ponytail holders going down your hair?” he says, attempting to hold in his laughter. I roll my eyes and push my glasses up my nose and he loses it, giving a deep down gut laugh.
“O. Hush Troy. Your old behind wears glasses too. And I have ponytail holders on my hair stretching it, so I don’t have to blow dry it.” He attempted to stifle his grin after a few moments of him hysterically laughing as his face came in and out of view.
“I’m sorry baby, but you have these different color bands going down your hair and you used your finger to push your glasses up and I just couldn’t help it, but you still look cute baby,” he says, pressing his lips together, still attempting to stifle his mirth.
“Oh really, I used my finger to push up my glasses, did I use this one?” I stick my middle finger up and stick my tongue out. He laughs out loud again.
&nbs
p; “Oh. It’s like that,” he finally says when he sobers up.
“Yeah,” I smirk. “Quit making fun of me. That’s why I didn’t want you to see,” I pout.
“Baby you’re always beautiful to me—ponytails, glasses, pimple cream, or whatever.” He stares at me with that priapic look in his eyes, effectively releasing butterflies in my stomach. I turn away from the screen to give myself a moment to get myself together. “Have dinner with me?” I hear the longing in his voice.
“Troy. You disappeared on me without so much as a phone call. Now I’m supposed to give you another chance? Just like that. Besides Troy, you’re not looking like you want to have dinner with me. You’re looking at me like you want me for dinner. I’m not ready for that.” He smirks; seeing the indention in his cheeks causes the butterflies that are already in my stomach to stir.
“L’oriel, I apologize for not contacting you. However, I was really caught off guard. You were still talking to your ex too. I didn’t know if what you were saying was real. I couldn’t stop thinking about you though. I actually do want to sit down and have a meal with you. Converse about what you’ve been up to the last two months. I wanna kick our reunion off right. You just make sure you keep your hands to yourself. I don’t know how much of a gentleman I can be,” he stated with his eyes full of merriment. I suck my teeth.
“Trust me, you don’t have to worry about me putting my hands on you.” I try to sound as unimpressed with him as I can. I will not let him think it’s going to be easy to get back in good with me. He may have been caught off guard. I’ll give him that. However, it took him two months to get over finding out I was married? He hasn’t even asked me if I’m still married or not—so what, that suddenly doesn’t matter? Why couldn’t he keep in touch, but keep his distance?
“Baby. I know you,” he says, interrupting my thoughts. I twist my mouth in disbelief. “Oh. You don’t believe me? It’s your eyes that give you away. I know when you’re happy or excited, your eyes are the brightest aqua green. When you’re deep in thought, they’re emerald; hardly any other color shines through. Finally, when you are aroused, they’re murky-dark; hardly any green is detectable. They were like that the first day I met you. They’re like that now. Do you want me to come over?” My mouth flew open and my heart rate increased. Could he really tell all that about me from my eyes?