by Pepper Pace
Y suddenly straightened. “I better go check on things. Sorry to have kept you, and I’m happy I did get a chance to meet you. It’s funny that you have that tattoo because you are like the Ki of that house. Yours is the energy that is like a strange invisible presence. You’re the mistake that Amberly can’t get over, and the friend that Belinda and Peter didn’t help…and of course the love that Jason lost. Wow, I thought you’d be bigger.” He shrugged. “If you don’t love Jason anymore then I’m sure you’ll get in your car and disappear again.”
Robin frowned at his words.
“But if you love him just a little bit, then consider forgiving him.” Y walked back to the house, leaving it open in case she wanted to follow.
Robin wanted to drive away, but she couldn’t. Y’s words cut through much of her hostility. As she stood there building up her resolve to either go inside or drive away Jason came outside. His limp was very pronounced. He obviously hadn’t put on his braces but he managed well enough.
He wasn’t wearing a shirt and she didn’t understand how she could have ever missed the hockey puck sized object beneath the skin on the side of his belly. It protruded outward just a bit and she thought that she could have traced it with her finger tips. And she had punched him there. Could she have damaged the pump?
“Did I hurt the pump?”
With a frown he looked down at his body. “No. You couldn’t damage it by punching me in the stomach.”
She looked away uncomfortably. She’d slapped a girl with cerebral palsy and punched a boy in the stomach that had a potentially deadly device surgically implanted into his body. She was a real piece of work…
“Do you think that we can talk?”
She felt nervous sweat beads begin to form on her brow. “It’s…hard for me to do that.”
“I don’t want it to be. How about I talk and you listen?” After a moment she nodded. “Can we go back inside?” She stiffened and Jason held up his hands. “We don’t have to.”
She looked at him. “You should have told me about Amberly living here. A heads up would have been nice.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“It would be nice.”
“You would have left if I had told you last night.”
She nodded. “Yeah, you might have missed out on the sex if you had bothered to mention it before,” came her bitter response.
His brow gathered. “Sex got us to spend the entire night together. Words didn’t. You snuck out before I got a chance to tell you anything, Robin. I’ve been trying to tell you something, something important. I apologized last night for pushing you away, but I didn’t understand until today why you never came back. Not coming back wasn’t a sign that you didn’t love me, I get that now. It was your way of making sure that no one ever got close enough to you to hurt you again.”
She shook her head and shrugged. “No one likes to lose someone, Jason. No one likes to be hurt by someone else’s bad choices.”
“That’s not what I mean. I mean that your ulcer, your panic attacks, the loss of your father and how you reacted when Miss Lucille passed away, is all connected to why you closed yourself off. You live with too much pain, you can barely cope with that. And it’s my thought that you just decided to cash in your chips and bale out on it all together. I think that your drug use, your drinking, the way you now seem to be a Belinda clone, are all ways for you to hide-”
Robin pulled open the car door and climbed inside. She slammed it shut angrily and then she opened it and climbed out again, this time glaring at him. “For your information, Mr. Amateur psychiatrist, I have panic attacks because I get nervous and that happened well before my Daddy ever died! And for your information I wasn’t afraid to love! I was happy to jump into love and friendship and I embraced it whole heartedly! When Miss Lucille died it dredged up bad feelings about my Dad. But the reason I didn’t come back is because I…”
“Because…why, baby? You didn’t fall out of love with me. You still love me, I have no doubt about that; just like I still love you. You put up armor so that you can’t feel-”
This time when Robin got into her car she drove away without hesitation. She sped down the street but she couldn’t completely get away from Jason’s words.
***
Robin wasn’t due to see her therapist until Monday, but she couldn’t completely get rid of the ideas that Jason had left in her head. Maybe she should talk about Jason…maybe she had actually done herself a disservice by talking to a therapist for months on end but never opening up to him.
The first thing that she did when she got home was to run a hot bath. She didn’t turn on the radio or listen to any music. She just sank into the hot water and allowed her mind to step forward. For the first time in a long time, she actually allowed herself to think.
Was she afraid to feel? She sat forward in the tub and clutched her bent knees. She hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time. But she never let anything close enough to affect her. Not even singing in front of a crowded room bothered her because she just turned off her mind.
So what? So what if she chose to lock away the pain? The water was becoming tepid when she asked herself the next question.
What if…what if she let out everything that she had locked away? And so the first thing she chose to examine was what did she feel for Jason? Her body tingled and felt awash in hot and cold. The experience was so fast that her heart began to race in excitement.
“I love…” She frowned. “Jason.”
Do you want to be with him?
“Yes.”
Do you trust him?
“I always have.”
Why did you tell him that you didn’t?
…
Robin sighed and got out of the water. She couldn’t do this alone. After dressing she called her therapist.
“I know you said that it was okay to call you-”
“Yes, of course it is. Is there something wrong?”
She began to pace. “Yes. I wasn’t completely honest with you.”
“Okay.”
“I never told you about…well-” she couldn’t say it. What the hell? “I don’t know why I never mentioned…”
“Robin?”
“I think…that I’m very fucked up.”
“Do you want to change your appointment from Monday to today?”
She nodded and swallowed back her tears. “Yes.”
“Can you be here by four pm?”
Her voice cracked and she swallowed back the tears that were falling fast now. “Yes.”
“Will you be okay until you get here?”
She nodded quickly. “Yes.”
Her therapist paused. “Thank you for calling me. I’ve been waiting for you to open up to me.”
He knew all along. She nodded and said something in the way of goodbye before hanging up. She couldn’t make the tears stop but somehow she felt better. She had asked and these tears were what she had locked away.
Dredging up old emotions is never easy or neat. The first thing Robin had to do was to stop apologizing to her therapist for withholding so much vital information about what was bothering her. He assured her that it was common. No one came in to therapy able to lay all of their cards on the table, even if they thought they were, there was always some things hidden beneath the surface.
“Tell me about Jason,” he requested.
She began by being very analytical and non-emotional. But soon she relived the joys and the pains of her relationship. One hour ended and then the next began. Robin chuckled.
“You never let me go over an hour before.”
“You never had anything that you needed to say before.”
In telling the story of Jason she also told the story of her friends. “Do you think that you were a good friend or a bad friend?”
Robin frowned. “Um, I thought I was a good friend.”
“Even now?”
“I think that they weren’t good friends?”
�
�Why?”
“Because…they didn’t stand by me when I needed them, and I was always there for them, especially Belinda.”
“Did you set boundaries?”
“Well I tried to but I can’t enforce rules towards other people! She wasn’t going to listen to me when she didn’t want to hear me!”
“No, I meant for yourself?”
Robin stared at him but he wasn’t looking at her, he was looking down at what he’d written. She knew that he was doing that on purpose. He was trying not to stress her with his gaze.
“I don’t…No. I didn’t.”
“Okay. Do you want to continue to be friends with them?”
“I don’t know…”
“Yes you do.” He closed the page on his notebook and looked at her. “Remember what I told you during our first appointment. Never say I don’t know. I may not know you, your best friend may not know you. But YOU know you. Do you want to be friends with them?”
It literally took her a full minute to answer. “Yes. They hurt me, and I don’t know if I forgive them. But…I miss them.”
“You do?”
Robin smiled. The tissues that she had clutched in her hand were sopping wet, but she did smile. “I missed having friends who need you, but who you can turn to when you need them.”
“Do you think that they can be that for you?”
“Well…I don’t know what they can be, but I do know what I can be.”
He stood up and took her hand. “See you Monday?”
She gave him a surprised look. “I’d like that.”
“I want you to think about something over the weekend.” He didn’t continue and she grinned.
“Okay. What?”
“Yourself.” She felt the tears wanting to return. “It is okay to cry, you know. Tears cleanse the soul.”
“Yeah, but it makes you weak.”
He frowned. “Who ever told you that?”
“My…” Robin frowned.
“Robin?” She looked at him.
“My father…”
She remembered that now. He used to say, ‘Robin, be tough, be strong and don’t let them see you weak. You dry those tears little girl and you let those bullies know that they can’t hurt you. You will learn that multiplication table and no one will call my babygirl, stupid again.’ But she never did learn it; at least not in that grade or the next. And the panic would set in that she was stupid. Her Daddy would be so disappointed if he understood that she wasn’t strong and that she wasn’t smart like him and mama.
She just didn’t want to disappoint her Daddy because he was the most proud of her as anyone in the world.
Her therapist led her to the door. “I see that you came to some type of conclusion. Think about it this weekend and we’ll discuss it Monday.”
“Okay.” She said, not sure how she felt about that particular memory. Her daddy would have never thought less of her just because she had a harder time absorbing new things. Her parents loved her. Robin got into her car. Her stomach was empty, she felt empty but ready to fill herself up with something healthy.
Mr. Sushi. She hadn’t had Mr. Sushi in…a long time. Robin ordered two rolls. She knew why even if she wasn’t ready to say it to herself. Then she drove an unfamiliar route to the North side of town. Hyde Park was an area that was affluent not just comfortable and she never had much of a reason to travel these roads but she easily remembered the path that led to Jason’s house.
It was dusk when she pulled into the circular drive. A Range Rover was parked there as was a nice Mercedes Benz. Well, if she sat there thinking about why she was there she would never go inside so after checking her horrible appearance in the rearview mirror she grabbed the food and hurried to the door.
She rang the bell feeling as afraid as she had ever felt in her life. But it was her right to feel fear…just to feel anything and she claimed it and examined it and owned it.
The door opened and it could have been anyone else, but the one person that she did not want to see. So of course Amberly was the one to open the door.
The slight girl watched Robin warily, before opening the door wide and allowing her inside. After shutting the door the two women looked at each other.
“Hi Robin.” Amberly said softly.
Robin’s eyes scanned her face for signs of the slap that she had received. Her cheek was a little red but she wore makeup and her hair was styled nicely and she was dressed as if she was ready to go out on the town and so Robin didn’t think that anyone would know that she had just been slapped earlier that day.
Robin moved the bag from one hand to the next. “I know that I should…apologize for slapping you earlier-”
Amberly looked down, her posture relaxing some. “It’s okay—”
“…but I’m not going to. You really deserved that.”
Amberly nipped her lower lip but then nodded. “I know.”
“Y seems very nice. You’re lucky to have him.”
“Yes. I love him very much.”
“Well…imagine him in a hot tub with someone that you thought you could trust, and him kissing and touching that person-”
Amberly nodded quickly, appearing very uncomfortable. “I know, Robin. I know! I’m sorry. I meant it when I said it before. I’m sorry. I never had anything against you, but…I just thought that I was better for Jason. And no! I wasn’t laying in wait for him. I didn’t orchestrate that night, I wasn’t trying to break you two up. I was drunk…and I just did something that I’ve regretted every since.”
Belinda came to the top of the stairs, staring at the door curiously to see who had rang. And when she saw Robin her face lit up in honest joy. She ran down the stairs at the two women. Robin smiled at her, and it was an honest smile. Her heart felt filled with pleasure at the sight of her running form.
Robin spread her arms with a giddy smile. “Come here baby!” She laughed suggestively. And then they were hugging tightly.
“Sorry sorry sorry...” Belinda cried not letting her go.
Robin pulled back enough to give her a long look. “Can we…do you mind if we do all of the sorrys later? Because I bought Mr. Sushi and I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Sorta starving here.”
Belinda shook her head while she chuckled. “I should get Jason-”
“This is about you and me right now.”
Belinda hooked her arm and led her to the kitchen. Robin paused stopping them from their progression and looked over her shoulder at Amberly.
“Do you like sushi?”
“Once you go Japanese it’s hard to call the stuff here sushi, but yes.”
Robin gestured for her to follow with a tilt of her head. Amberly did.
In the kitchen the girls ate sushi, drank tea, talked about what it was like being engaged/married and Robin looked at Amberly.