“I will now tell you my top secret—secret—secret—secret—” stuttered Horrid Henry. “Cross—my—palm—with—silver and sweets…” He held out his robot hands. Peter filled them.
Tee-hee.
“I want to be the robot now,” said Peter.
“Okay, robot,” said Henry. “Run upstairs and empty all the wastepaper baskets. Bet you can’t do it in thirty seconds.”
“Yes, I can,” said Peter.
“Nah, you’re too rusty and puny,” said Horrid Henry.
“Am not,” said Peter.
“Then prove it, robot,” said Henry.
“But aren’t you going to give me—” faltered Peter.
“MOVE!” bellowed Henry. “They don’t call me the MAD professor for nothing!!!”
Playing Robot and Mad Professor was a bit less fun than Peter had anticipated. Somehow, his piggy bank was now empty and Henry’s skeleton bank was full. And somehow most of Peter’s Halloween candy was now in Henry’s candy box.
Robot and Mad Professor was the most fun Henry had ever had playing with Peter. Now that he had all Peter’s money and all Peter’s sweets, could he trick Peter into doing all his chores as well?
“Let’s play school,” said Peter. That would be safe. There was no way Henry could trick him playing that…
“I’ve got a better idea,” said Henry. “Let’s play Slaves and Masters. You’re the slave. I order you to…”
“No,” interrupted Peter. “I don’t want to.” Henry couldn’t make him.
“Okay,” said Henry. “We can play school. You can be the classroom cleaner.”
Oh! Peter loved being classroom cleaner.
“We’re going to play Clean Up the Classroom!” said Henry. “The classroom is in here. So, get to work.”
Peter looked around the great mess of toys and dirty clothes and comics and empty wrappers scattered all over Henry’s room.
“I thought we’d start by taking attendance,” said Peter.
“Nah,” said Henry. “That’s the baby way to play school. You have to start by tidying the classroom. You’re the classroom cleaner.”
“What are you?” said Peter.
“The teacher, of course,” said Henry.
“Can I be the teacher next?” said Peter.
“Sure,” said Henry. “We’ll swap after you finish your job.”
Henry lay on his bed and read his comic and stuffed the rest of Peter’s candy into his mouth. Peter tidied.
Ah, this was the life.
“It’s very quiet in here,” said Mom, popping her head around the door. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” said Horrid Henry.
“Why is Peter tidying your room?” said Mom.
“’Cause he’s the classroom cleaner,” said Henry.
Perfect Peter burst into tears. “Henry took all my money and all my candy and made me do all his chores,” he wailed.
“Henry!” shouted Mom. “You horrid boy!”
***
On the bad side, Mom made Henry give Peter back all his money. But on the good side, all his chores were done for the week. And he couldn’t give Peter back his candy because he’d eaten it all.
Victory!
“Isn’t it exciting, Henry?” asked Perfect Peter, packing Bunnykins carefully in his Sammy the Snail overnight bag. “A museum sleepover! With a torch-lit trail! And work sheets! I can’t think of anything more fun.”
“I can,” snarled Horrid Henry. Being trapped in a cave with Clever Clare reciting all the multiplication tables from one to a million. Watching Cooking Cuties. Even visiting Nurse Needle for one of her horrible injections. (Well, maybe not that.)
But almost anything would be better than being stuck overnight in Our Town Museum on a class sleepover. No TV. No computers. No comics. Why oh why did he have to do this? He wanted to sleep in his own comfy bed, not in a sleeping bag on the museum’s cold, hard floor, surrounded by photos of old mayors and a few dusty exhibits.
AAARRRRGGGHH. Wasn’t it bad enough he was bored all day in school without being bored all night too?
Worse, Peter’s diaper baby class was coming too. They’d probably have to be tucked in at seven o’clock, when they’d all start crying for their mamas. Ugghh. And then Miss Battle-Axe snarling at them to finish their work sheets, and Moody Margaret snoring, and Anxious Andrew whimpering that he’d seen a ghost…
Well, no way was he going to that boring old dump without some comics to pass the time. He’d just bought the latest Screamin’ Demon with a big article all about vampires and zombies. Yay! He couldn’t wait to read it.
Perfect Peter watched him stuff his Mutant Max bag full of comics.
“Henry, you know we’re not allowed to bring comics to the museum sleepover,” said Perfect Peter.
“Shut up and mind your own business, toad,” said Horrid Henry.
“Mom! Henry just called me a toad!” wailed Peter. “And he told me to shut up.”
“Toady toady toady, toady toady toady,” jeered Henry.
“Henry! Stop being horrid or no museum sleepover for you,” yelled Mom.
Horrid Henry paused. Was it too late to be horrid enough to get banned from the sleepover? Why hadn’t he thought of this before? Why, he could…
“Henry! Peter! We have to leave now!” yelled Dad.
Rats.
The children lined up in the museum’s central hall clutching their sleeping bags as Miss Lovely and Miss Battle-Axe ticked off names on a big register.
“Go away, Susan,” said Moody Margaret. “After what you did at my house I’m going to sit with Gurinder. So there.”
“You’re such a meanie, Margaret,” said Sour Susan.
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
Susan scowled. Margaret was always so mean. If only she could think of a way to pay that old grouch back.
Margaret scowled. Susan was always so annoying. If only she could think of a way to pay that old fraidycat back.
Henry scowled. Why did he have to be here? What he’d give for a magic carpet to whisk him straight home to the comfy black chair to watch Terminator Gladiator. Could life get any worse?
“Henwy,” came a little voice next to him. “I love you Henwy. I want to give you a big kiss.”
Oh no, thought Horrid Henry. Oh no. It was Lisping Lily, New Nick’s little sister. What was that foul fiend doing here?
“You keep away from me,” said Horrid Henry, pushing and shoving his way through the children to escape her.
“Waaa!” wept Weepy William as Henry stepped on his foot.
“I want my mama,” cried Needy Neil as Henry trampled on his sleeping bag.
“But I want to marry with you, Henwy,” lisped Lily, trying to follow him.
“Henry! Stay still!” barked Miss Battle-Axe, glaring at him with her demon eyes.
“Hello, boys and girls, what an adventure we’re going to have tonight,” said the museum’s guide, Earnest Ella, as she handed out pencils and work sheets.
Henry groaned. Boring! He hated work sheets.
“Did you know that our museum has a famous collection of balls of wool through the ages?” droned Earnest Ella. “And an old railway car? Oh yes, it’s going to be an exciting sleepover night. We’re even going on a torch-lit walk through the corridors.”
Horrid Henry yawned and sneaked a peek at his comic book, which he’d hidden beneath his museum work sheet.
Watch out, demon fans!! To celebrate the release of this season’s big blockbuster monster horror film, THE ZOMBIE VAMPIRES, study this checklist. Make sure there are no zombie vampires lurking in your neighborhood!!!!
Horrid Henry gasped as he read How to Recognize a Vampire and How to Reco
gnize a Zombie. Big, scary teeth? Big, googly eyes? Looks like the walking dead? Wow, that described Miss Battle-Axe perfectly. All they had to add was a big fat carrot nose and…
A dark shadow loomed over him.
“I’ll take that,” snapped Miss Battle-Axe, yanking the comic out of his hand. “And the rest.”
Huh?
He’d been so careful. How had she spotted that comic under his work sheet? And how did she know about the secret stash in his bag? Horrid Henry looked around the hall. Aha! There was Peter, pretending not to look at him. How dare that wormy worm toad tell on him? Just for that…
“Come along, everyone, line up to collect your flashlights for our spooky walk,” said Earnest Ella. “You wouldn’t want to get left behind in the dark, would you?”
There was no time to lose. Horrid Henry slipped over to Peter’s class and joined him in line with Tidy Ted and Goody-Goody Gordon.
“Hello, Peter,” said Henry sweetly.
Peter looked at him nervously. Did Henry suspect he’d told on him? Henry didn’t look angry.
“Shame my comic got confiscated,” said Henry, “’cause it had a list of how to tell whether anyone you know is a zombie vampire.”
“A zombie vampire?” asked Tidy Ted.
“Yup,” said Henry.
“They’re imaginary,” said Goody-Goody Gordon.
“That’s what they’d like you to believe,” said Henry. “But I’ve discovered some.”
“Where?” said Ted.
Horrid Henry looked around dramatically, then dropped his voice to a whisper.
“Two teachers at our school,” hissed Henry.
“Two teachers?” said Peter.
“What?” said Ted.
“You heard me. Zombie vampires. Miss Battle-Axe and Miss Lovely.”
“Miss Lovely?” gasped Peter.
“You’re just making that up,” said Gordon.
“It was all in Screamin’ Demon,” said Henry. “That’s why Miss Battle-Axe grabbed my comic. To stop me from finding out the truth. Listen carefully.”
Henry recited:
“How to recognize a vampire:
1. BIG HUGE SCARY TEETH.
“If Miss Battle-Axe’s fangs were any bigger she would trip over them,” said Horrid Henry.
Tidy Ted nodded. “She does have big pointy teeth.”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” said Peter.
“2. DRINKS BLOOD.”
Perfect Peter shook his head. “Drinks…blood?”
“Obviously they do, just not in front of people,” said Horrid Henry. “That would give away their terrible secret.”
“3. ONLY APPEARS AT NIGHT.”
“But Henry,” said Goody-Goody Gordon, “we see Miss Battle-Axe and Miss Lovely every day at school. They can’t be vampires.”
Henry sighed. “Have you been paying attention? I didn’t say they were vampires, I said they were zombie vampires. Being half-zombie lets them walk around in daylight.”
Perfect Peter and Goody-Goody Gordon looked at one another.
“Here’s the total proof,” Henry continued.
“How to recognize a zombie:
1. LOOKS DEAD.
“Does Miss Battle-Axe look dead? Definitely,” said Horrid Henry. “I never saw a more dead-looking person.”
“But Henry,” said Peter. “She’s alive.”
Unfortunately, yes, thought Horrid Henry.
“Duh,” he said. “Zombies always seem alive. Plus, zombies have scary, bulging eyes like Miss Battle-Axe,” continued Henry. “And they feed on human flesh.”
“Miss Lovely doesn’t eat human flesh,” said Peter. “She’s a vegetarian.”
“A likely story,” said Henry.
“You’re just trying to scare us,” said Peter.
“Don’t you see?” said Henry. “They’re planning to pounce on us during the torch-lit trail.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Peter.
Henry shrugged. “Fine. Don’t believe me. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when Miss Lovely lurches out of the dark and BITES you!” he shrieked.
“Be quiet, Henry,” shouted Miss Battle-Axe. “William. Stop weeping. There’s nothing to be scared of. Linda! Stand up. It’s not bedtime yet. Bert! Where’s your flashlight?”
“I dunno,” said Beefy Bert.
Miss Lovely walked over and smiled at Peter.
“Looking forward to the torch-lit walk?” she beamed.
Peter couldn’t stop himself sneaking a peek at her teeth. Were they big? And sharp? Funny, he’d never noticed before how pointy two of them were…And was her face a bit…umm…pale?
No! Henry was just trying to trick him. Well, he wasn’t going to be fooled.
“Time to go exploring,” said Earnest Ella. “First stop on the torch-lit trail: our brand-new exhibit, Wonderful World of Wool. Then we’ll be popping next door down the Passage to the Past to visit the old railway car and the Victorian shop and a Neanderthal cave. Flashlights on, everyone.”
Sour Susan smiled to herself. She’d just thought of the perfect revenge on Margaret for teasing her for being such a scaredy-cat.
Moody Margaret smiled to herself. She’d just thought of the perfect revenge on Susan for being so sour.
Ha ha, Margaret, thought Susan. I’ll get you tonight.
Ha ha, Susan, thought Margaret. I’ll get you tonight.
Ha ha, Peter, thought Henry. I’ll get you tonight.
“Follow me,” said Earnest Ella.
The children stampeded after her.
All except three.
When the coast was clear, Moody Margaret turned off her flashlight, darted into the pitch-black Passage to the Past hall, and hid in the Neanderthal cave behind the caveman. She’d leap out at Susan when she walked past. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wouldn’t that old scaredy-cat get a fright.
Sour Susan turned off her flashlight and peeked down the Passage to the Past corridor. Empty. She tiptoed to the railway car and crept inside. Just wait till Margaret walked by…
Horrid Henry turned off his flashlight, crept down the Passage to the Past, sneaked into the Victorian shop, and hid behind the rocking chair.
Tee-hee. Just wait till Peter walked past. He’d—
What was that?
Was it his imagination? Or did that spinning wheel in the corner of the shop…move?
CR—EEEK went the wheel.
It was so dark. But Henry didn’t dare switch on his flashlight.
Moody Margaret looked over from the Neanderthal cave at the Victorian shop. Was it her imagination or was that rocking chair rocking back and forth?
Sour Susan looked out from the railway car. Was it her imagination or was the caveman moving?
There was a strange, scuttling noise.
What was that? thought Susan.
You know, thought Henry, this museum is kind of creepy at night.
And then something grabbed onto his leg.
“AAAARRRRGGHHH!” screamed Horrid Henry.
***
Moody Margaret heard a blood-curdling scream. Scarcely daring to breathe, Margaret peeped over the caveman’s shoulder…
Sour Susan heard a blood-curdling scream. Scarcely daring to breathe, Susan peeped out from the railway carriage…
“Henwy, I found you, Henwy,” piped the creature clinging to his leg.
“Go away, Lily,” hissed Henry. The horrible fiend was going to ruin everything.
“Will you marry me, Henwy?”
“No!” said Horrid Henry, trying to shake her off and brushing against the spinning wheel.
CR—EEEEK.
The spinning wheel spun.
Wh
at’s that noise? thought Margaret, craning to see from behind the caveman.
“Henwy! I want to give you a big kiss,” lisped Lily.
Horrid Henry shook his leg harder.
The spinning wheel tottered and fell over.
CRASH!
Margaret and Susan saw something lurch out of the Victorian shop and loom up in the darkness. A monstrous creature with four legs and waving arms…
“AAAARRRRGGHH!” screamed Susan.
“AAAARGGHHHHH!” shrieked Margaret.
“AAAARGGHHHHH!” shrieked Henry.
The unearthly screams rang through the museum. Peter, Ted, and Gordon froze.
“You don’t think—” gasped Gordon.
“Not…” trembled Peter.
“Zombie vampires?” whimpered Ted. They clutched one another.
“Everyone head back to the Central Hall NOW!” shouted Earnest Ella.
***
In the cafeteria, Miss Lovely and Miss Battle-Axe were sneaking a short break to enjoy a lovely fried egg sandwich with lashings of ketchup.
Oh my weary bones, thought Miss Battle-Axe, as she sank her teeth into the huge sandwich. Peace at last.
AAARRGGHH! EEEEEKKK! HELLLP!
Miss Battle-Axe and Miss Lovely squeezed their sandwiches in shock as they heard the terrible screams.
SPLAT!
A stream of ketchup squirted Miss Lovely in the eye and dripped down her face onto her blouse.
SQUIRT!
A blob of ketchup splatted Miss Battle-Axe on the nose and dribbled down her chin onto her cardigan.
“Sorry, Boudicca,” said Miss Lovely.
“Sorry, Lydia,” said Miss Battle-Axe.
They raced into the dark central hall just as their classes ran back from the torch-lit walk. Fifty beams of light from fifty flashlights lit up the teachers’ ketchup-covered faces and ketchup-stained clothes.
Horrid Henry and the Zombie Vampire Page 3