Linese hung her head over the chamber pot and retched violently. Her churning stomach felt like a roiling river about to overflow its banks. She closed her eyes against the sickening feeling and tried to focus on a happy thought.
She was pregnant.
The happiness of her condition almost made her present dilemma endurable. Almost, but not quite. She had been suffering with the morning sickness several times a day. She could barely hold down weak tea or broth. The thought of solid food sent her into violent episodes of vomiting. It had been a chore keeping her present predicament from Chase, but she didn’t want him to know. Not yet.
She had, however, decided to see Doc Lukins. By her counting she was more than three months’ gone, and she had never heard other women say they had the kind of sickness that lasted this long into their time. It was a worry to her and she wanted the kindly old physician to reassure her. And, she supposed, she wanted to share the happy news with someone. If it couldn’t be Chase, then it would have to be Doc. Linese rubbed a cold cloth over her brow and opened her eyes. The nausea was over for a little while at least.
She stood up and caught her own reflection in the mirror. There was a puffiness to her face that concerned her. She had not put on any weight. Lord knows that would be difficult with the war lingering, making it hard even to get enough to eat each day, yet she had the notion that her face was fuller.
If Chase had noticed any difference in her appearance, he hadn’t mentioned it. He treated her as if she were the most beautiful, precious woman in the world. Each night he had brought her to physical ecstasy and held her within the circle of his arms until dawn forced him to go try to find a new location for the Gazette.
If only she could feel safe and secure.
Chase hadn’t mentioned any more of his returning memories, but there were times when she would catch him unaware. She could almost see him reliving some forgotten moment. Whenever it happened, he became quiet and somber, more like the man he used to be. Each time she looked into his eyes, she felt a little of her heart die with the fear he was changing and leaving behind the man she adored, once again becoming the old Chase.
She turned sideways in front of her mirror and pulled her night rail smooth over her middle. She rubbed her hand over her belly and imagined what it would feel like when she was big with his baby. As it was, she had been forced to unlace her corset a bit to accommodate her filling waist.
“I’ll have to tell Chase about the baby soon,” she told her reflection. The prospect of telling her husband she was carrying his first child should have brought her deep satisfaction. Instead, it was a bittersweet secret she wanted to keep from him just for a while longer, just until the situation with the Gazette was settled and Chase was less distracted.
And she was waiting to see if more of his memory returned. She worried that when Chase regained his past, she would lose him, or at least the best part of him. She just couldn’t allow herself to believe the change in him was due to two years of war. It had to be his missing past.
If only she could believe it. But the Chase Cordell who had stepped off that train was a different man. And he was the man she wished to be married to for the rest of her life. In some ways she felt almost unfaithful to her husband, but it was a foolish notion. She tried to wipe the negative thoughts from her mind while she dressed to go see Doc.
Doc Lukins peered over his wire-rimmed spectacles and ran his hands over Linese’s body beneath the big sheet.
“Mrs. Cordell, are you sure about your dates?”
“Quite sure.” Linese vividly remembered the first night Chase had touched her, the night she had finally managed to batter his resolve with Melissa’s tricks.
His face pinched into a deep set of creases. He stood up and dipped his hands into the basin of water and then dried them. “I’m all finished with my examination. You can sit up.”
“Is something wrong?” Linese’s heart constricted painfully when she saw the tense look on his face.
“No, not at all.” He smiled reassuringly. “You are most definitely pregnant.
Linese wriggled up and adjusted the sheet over the lower half of her body. “Is that all?”
“I have a list of instructions I want you to follow. No lifting, no hanging wash on the line.” His smile broadened. “Have you told your husband he’s going to be a father?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, you best do it today. I’d like to talk to him about getting you some help around the house. You’ve used the Jones girl before, haven’t you?”
Linese nodded and scanned the old physician’s face. Worry and fear gripped her with fingers of ice. “Doc, is there anything you’re not telling me?” He seemed reluctant to meet her gaze straight on.
“No. I just like to pamper new mothers. There will never again be a first baby, Linese, no matter how many you have. We want this to be a happy and safe time for you. Go talk to Chase now, why don’t you, then have him come and see me. Today.”
Every nerve in her body was tingling, thrumming while she waited for Chase’s reaction to the news. The lingering smell of leather and grain warred with the pungent odor of printer’s ink and served to make Linese’s stomach churn. She twisted her hands together within the folds of her dress and willed herself to fight off the feeling.
He stood there, staring at her wide-eyed while her heart pounded in her chest. She could not read his thoughts and it was making her almost as sick at the stomach as the smells in the building.
“Say something, Chase,” she begged finally.
“A baby? In the spring?” Chase repeated her own words. Linese’s heart thudded inside her chest.
“Are you pleased, Chase?”
His mouth snapped shut and he blinked as if waking from a dream. Then he strode across the room and started shoving loose papers from the desk and chair.
“Oh, Lord, honey, sit down.” He grabbed Linese’s elbow and gently ushered her to the chair and eased her down as if she were fine china that might break any minute.
“Do you need anything? Water? How about milk? Do you want a pickle?” He didn’t know why he said that, but some half-forgotten part of his brain said pregnant women had a craving to eat cucumber pickles and saltwater taffy. Could he find any if she wanted them? Maybe the mercantile, or perhaps Hezikiah could go to Bartlesville. His head was spinning, traveling a million miles a second. The need to pamper his wife wiped every other thought from his head.
Linese looked up at her husband’s lean face and blinked rapidly to prevent the tears in her eyes from spilling over. She saw love and concern etched into the brackets around his mouth. The need to reassure him filled her heart and wiped away all thoughts of her own discomfort.
“I’m fine. Doc Lukins would like you to come by his office, though.” Linese tried to banish a niggling worry from her mind. The old country doctor probably had some silly little thing he wanted to tell Chase, about how emotional she was going to become, or some such male nonsense. She told herself not to fret over imagined problems.
“Are you sure? I can see him later. I don’t want to leave you alone if you’re not sure.
“I’m positive, I’m just fine. Go.” She smiled.
“Will you be all right until I get back?” Chase asked.
“Chase, I’m only having a baby. I’m a little tired, but I’m fine. I left the buggy right next door, at Ira’s. I’m going to get it and go home.”
He shook his head and the heavy strand of dark hair grazed his eyebrows. “No, you are not. You sit right here. I’ll go tell Ira to bring it around and pick you up. He can drive you home and then use one of our horses to get back to Mainfield. You are most certainly not going to drive a buggy by yourself, not anymore.”
“Chase—” She stifled the grin that wanted to break out.
“I won’t hear of it.” He walked back to her and went down on one knee in front of the chair. He picked up her left hand as if she were delicate and precious to him. He brought it to h
is lips.
Linese glanced at her hand and noticed her wedding ring was cutting into her finger. It also occurred to her that her shoes were pinching tight today.
“I intend to take very good care of my child’s mama, and I want no arguments from you about it. Understood?” His face was stem, but his voice was gentle with affection.
Linese blinked back more tears of joy. She had noticed of late, the least little thing, good or bad, moved her to the brink of tears. “Understood, Major Cordell,” she conceded softly.
Chase smiled at her then he stepped through the door that led to Ira’s livery. When he was gone, Linese looked over the stack of papers lying on his makeshift desk. There were several half-finished editorials on top. She picked one up and read part of it.
His strong, blunt style impressed her. The tone was similar to the editorials he had written before he went to war, but there was a sensitivity and a compassion within them that had not been there before. It was yet another layer of the new character he had returned home with.
Linese sighed and laid the paper down. She mentally willed herself to be happy about Chase’s trying to regain his memory. No matter what the future held she loved him as he was now more than she had loved him before, even though she could not tell him so.
Guilt flooded over her again. It was almost, in some crazy unexplainable fashion, like having been unfaithful to the man she had wed.
The man who had come home from war was truly a separate man, and the love Linese felt for him made her feelings for the old Chase pale in comparison. How could any wife tell her husband such a thing and hurt him, as it surely would?
She pushed herself up from the chair and felt a twinge in her lower abdomen. Terror snaked through her while she slowly eased herself back down into the hard seat. Linese drew in gulps of air and tried not to grow more anxious with wild imaginings. Soon the pain spread across her back and dissipated slowly into her thighs where it settled with a dull ache.
A million fears about the complications of childbirth flitted through her head, but she forced herself to remain calm. Chase had only gone for Ira, he would be here in a moment, she told herself. Ira was close by, she could call out if she needed to. He was no more than a stone’s toss away.
The outer door opened. Linese sighed and looked up gratefully, expecting to see Ira or Chase, but found Rancy Thompson staring at her.
“Ma’am.” He took off his hat. “I was hoping to find Major Cordell here. Is he around?”
Linese shook her head. “No, Sheriff, he stepped out of the office for a moment.” She shifted on the chair, trying to find a position that would ease the ache in her lower back.
“I see.” Thompson’s forehead crinkled into a frown. “I was hoping to ask him a few questions.” He held the hat between his fingers and was methodically worrying the brim through them. “Perhaps you can help me, Mrs. Cordell.”
“I’d be happy to try, Sheriff.” She felt the color draining from her face as the pain grew sharper.
“I was wondering if you could tell me when it was, more or less, that you met Major Cordell? It’s nothing official, you understand, I just need to clear up some unanswered questions.” His frown deepened.
The question seemed odd, but she was preoccupied with trying to master the growing pain, so she did not examine the sheriff’s reason for wanting to know such a thing.
“I met Chase Cordell on May 30, 1862.”
“Now how is it you can remember that date so precisely, Mrs. Cordell?” Something like disbelief flitted through his eyes.
“It was the Presbyterian church’s annual social. I always helped with the baking, decorations and such. It’s held the same time each year—on May 30.”
The sheriff nodded and looked more thoughtful. “That’s just over the line into Ferrin County, isn’t it, ma’am?
“Yes, it is.”
“I see. Well, thank you, Mrs. Cordell, you’ve been a great help.” He turned then turned back. “Are you feeling all right?”
“Yes, Sheriff, I’m fine,” she lied.
The door came open and Ira Goten stepped into the new Gazette quarters.
“Sheriff?” Ira flicked a quick glance beyond the sheriff and met Linese’s eyes. “Mrs. Cordell.”
She nodded in response to Ira’s crisp greeting.
“Goten. What brings you here?” The sheriff asked.
“I came to take Mrs. Cordell home.” Ira stepped past the sheriff. “If you’re ready, ma’am. Major Cordell said to get you home right away.”
“He’s not with you, Mr. Goten?” Linese felt a moment of disappointment. Having Chase nearby made her feel less apprehensive about the baby, and the pain in her legs and back seemed to be worse.
“No.” Ira glanced toward the sheriff. “He said he had an appointment to keep. He said you knew about it.”
Linese nodded. Chase had gone over to Doc Lukins and he would be back soon, she told herself. “Yes, of course. It slipped my mind.”
She pushed herself up from the chair and the strange biting pain shot through her with greater force. To her embarrassment, a whimper of pain escaped her lips. Linese found herself mighty grateful for Ira’s strong arm. The sharp cramp came again and her knees almost buckled beneath her.
“Ma’am? Are you feeling all right? You are a bit peaked.” Ira peered into her face while he supported more of her weight.
“I am feeling a bit woozy all of a sudden.” Ira’s face was swimming before her as if she were looking at him through fast-running water. Suddenly the whole room tilted and she fought to catch her breath. “I think perhaps you should send for…my…husband,” Linese whispered. Then the room disappeared.
“I’m concerned Linese may have a bad time of it.” Doc Lukins took off his spectacles and rubbed his fingers on the bridge of his nose where two small red marks remained. His old face was a network of weather-roughened creases.
“Is Linese in immediate danger?” Chase’s heart lodged in his throat when he heard his own voice asking the question he had been trying to avoid.
“Probably not any more than any other women in Mainfield. Just call me an old worrier. She is a tiny woman and you Cordells are big men, combined with the poor diet we’ve all had due to the war. That in itself is no cause for concern, but I detected some swelling in her face and extremities. I’d just like to take the extra precaution of seeing her take real good care of herself. It’s going to be up to you to see she follows my advice.”
“I’ll do anything to keep Linese safe, Doc.”
“That’s what I wanted to hear.” The old physician slipped the glasses back on his nose and smiled. “I’m sure it will all be fine, Chase. The first thing I want you to do is get somebody in to take care of the household chores. Effie, the oldest Jones girl, is good. I believe she helped Linese out once or twice while you were away. I can send her over, if you like. I’m going out that way later.”
Chase nodded numbly. Guilt and worry mingled in his chest. He had been so afraid to touch Linese, perhaps his fears had been founded. While he was wallowing in his misery, the door swung open so hard it hit the wall behind it with a loud thump.
Chase looked up to see Linese laying limp and pale in Ira’s arms. Fear such as he had never known galvanized him to action. He bolted from his chair.
“Oh, my God, Linese.” Terror constricted his voice.
“Put her in here.” Doc Lukins directed Ira through the maze of his small, crowded office and into his own bedroom. Linese’s limbs seemed almost liquid when Ira gently laid her down.
“She fainted dead away, Chase.” Ira rubbed his palms together nervously while he explained. His eyes were round with alarm and sympathy. He faded back into the other room, leaving Doc and Chase alone with Linese.
“What is it, Doc? Is it the baby?” Chase’s knees were weak as water while he stared at Linese’s lovely pale face. “Will she be all right?”
“Don’t get timid on me now, Chase. Loosen that damned corset more to
give her air.” The doctor was pressing his fingers to her neck and opening one of her eyelids with his thumb. “She’s just passed out. Could be the heat, could be this confounded garment. Now I wish I’d told her to leave it off after the exam,” Doc muttered. “Still, she’s not even showing.”
Chase’s fingers moved automatically to loosen the dress and the corset laces beneath while he listened to Doc’s muttering. Guilt covered him in a heavy, suffocating blanket. His lust had brought her to this.
“Please, don’t let her die, please,” he prayed over and over. He was ready to make whatever bargain was necessary to keep her and his child from harm.
Linese was practically lost in the huge bed Chase and his grandfather had carried down and set up in the dining room. Her golden hair fanned out like a halo on the pillow. Doc had given her some herb he said would make her groggy.
Chase kissed her lightly on the forehead and moved to the old rocker. He intended to watch over her and keep her safe, even if he had to do it by strength of will. He shifted positions in the hard chair and pulled the old faded quilt up over his shoulders. Only the flickering flame of a single lamp drove back the darkness of night.
Images, distorted and warped, rattled around inside his head while he kept his vigil. What if his father had been right? What if his love for Linese would be the very thing that took her from him?
Linese stirred and moaned. He was instantly on his feet beside the bed.
“Chase?” Her voice was slurred with sleep and the potion Doc had given her.
“I’m right here.” He reached out and took hold of her fingers. Her hand felt so tiny inside his own. She seemed to be little more than a frail child herself, too young and fragile to carry a baby inside her body for nine months.
Linda Castle Page 18