CHAINSAW
Cited as the weapon of choice by 8 out of 10 zombie survivalists in the absence of any firearms, the chainsaw is inded a fun weapon to have around when mass carnage is the task of the day. But although it is an extremely effective way to dispose of those pesky undead, and one that can also bring immense pleasure too, we would not recommend putting this particular item at the top of your Christmas list.
Firstly, your average chainsaw can weigh from 8–30 lbs making it difficult to transport along with all your other supplies.
Secondly, there is the fuel to consider. Although the blades can cause major damage when spinning around like a fairground carousel, when they aren’t moving you may as well be hitting a zombie with a sponge. Fuel is likely to become scarce during the apocalypse and even if you do find some, carrying it around would be heavy and cumbersome.
Finally, there is the operational aspect of the trusty chainsaw. It may look easy to use but just Google ‘chainsaw death’ and you’ll see how many people have fallen foul of the teeth of one of these beasts – and they can’t all be inbred retards. Therefore, unless you are already versed in the art of chainsaw usage, it would be a bad idea to just wade into battle waving one around your head – and do you really want to waste fuel practising at home?
Of course, here at the School of Survival we don’t like to rain on anyone’s parade and as using a chainsaw to chop up a ghoul can be spiffing entertainment, we advocate the use of this particular weapon in a ‘defence situation’ only. Once you have found and fortified your safe house, keep a chainsaw handily stored in case zombies get in. Just choose a smaller, more manageable weapon whilst out in the field.
CLASSIFICATION
As discussed in the Introduction, there are four distinct classes of zombies. These are each broken down into further subclasses and then broken down into even more subclasses. In fact, ultimately there are so many different classes and subclasses of zombies that you could fill a whole book with them (which incidentally will be coming soon entitled Dr Dale’s Classes, Subclasses and Sub-subclasses of Zombies – a Whole Book Full of Them). But for now we will deal with the four main classes just to keep it simple.
Supernatural Zombie
Created by: Death
Points of interest: The apocalypse that starts for no apparent reason! And quite possibly the worst kind of zombie apocalypse to be caught in as it will never end. It’s not just the bites that cause reanimation – every single person who dies will eventually reanimate. Whether they were hit by a bus, fell out of a window, accidentally stabbed themselves in the eye with a spoon whilst eating breakfast or got knocked by a bus out of a window face down onto a spoon, they will come back as zombies.
Even those who die of natural causes will ultimately reanimate – which means if you have a 21-gun salute at your funeral it would be wise for the mourners to aim the barrel directly at your head.
Genetic Zombie
Created by: A genetic mutation causes death and reanimation in the host human due to radiation, experimentation, weird gas or space dust. Will only affect the living and not the previously dead as the mutation should only occur in living cells, so no need to worry about Great-great-great Uncle Roger clawing his way out of his grave.
Points of interest: Generally speaking most zombies will look like your normal everyday walking dead human as the genetic mutations will have occurred to the organs inside the body (most likely the brain). But, in the case of Genetic zombies, the ‘super-powered’ zombie although unlikely, cannot be discounted. In this scenario the genetic mutation causes the zombie to become super-powered, psychokinetic, large, almost invincible and mutated.
This is a less likely eventuality but one you should still allow for in your training as we cannot completely discount the idea that we may come face to face with a big, round zombie that explodes bile all over the place when you shoot it. Or a huge, leather, S&M-clad behemoth who grunts the word ‘Stars’ at opportune moments just to warn you he’s coming. If you were to come up against him then throw this book away and go and find a very big gun.
Parasitic Zombie
Created by: An external host takes over the body of the human, kills them, and uses their body to sate the creature’s blood lust. Can affect both the living and the previously dead as the parasite is only operating the body like a puppet – like Rod Hull used Emu – although Emu didn’t try and kill you…much.
Points of interest: There are two different kinds of parasite: the first will conceal itself inside the body of the human and will be unseen; the second will attach itself to the outside of the body – generally somewhere on the spine or on top of the head like a jaunty hat. The reason the headshot is important in this case is that the brain will be what the parasite needs to control the body. This does not necessarily mean that the parasite will die immediately when the brain is destroyed so you will need to be extra vigilant in looking for bloodthirsty little parasites running around trying to find a new host.
It also means you’ll have to find a way to kill them too. (I can’t help you with that one. This is the Zombie Dictionary – not the Parasite Dictionary. Try stamping on them or using salt – it works on slugs.)
Viral Zombie
Created by: A virus – the clue is somewhat in the name (the infection can also be bacterial, but it seems pedantic to have two separate classifications for what is essentially the same thing).
Points of interest: Probably the most likely cause of the apocalypse – the virus will attack the human immune system shutting down all internal organs until only the brain is operating on a primal blood lust. On the plus side, like the genetic zombie, the virus will only affect the living, but on the down side it is likely that the virus will not just be transmitted by bites – it may be airborne or caught by touching someone who is infected. Back to the plus side again, though – there may be those who are naturally immune – but once more to the negative – they could still be carriers and infect other non-immune living who will eventually get on a helicopter to Europe and infect Paris with the zombie plague. Hmmmm – that turned into a positive again.
CLOTHING
I have never pretended to be any sort of fashion guru – even though I have been asked on numerous occasions for advice on what’s hot and what’s not – but as a rule of thumb I would categorically state ‘If it ain’t clashin, it’s not fashion’. So bear that in mind when next perusing the racks at your local Primark. However, I do have some advice on what to wear during a zombie apocalypse:
Go tight
The tighter fitting the clothes are, the better. This will give the undead less to grab onto should you be stuck in a ‘hand-to-hand’ situation. The best possible option is a wet-look unitard as the slippery surface will also ensure that you are able to slide, snakelike, from the grasp of any clawing hands.
Neutral colours
A zombie’s perception and peripheral vision is likely to operate in much the same way as it did when they were alive. It is also wise to remember that although the undead may have heightened predatory senses we shouldn’t imbue them with a supernatural sixth sense that they are unlikely to possess. It is therefore recommended that you wear unobtrusive colours that are less likely to be spotted should you have to hide quickly: darker colours at night, urban colours during the day, pastels in the spring, browns and beiges in the autumn months.
This choice of colour also works for protecting yourself from other survivors who will be able to spot you in a retro Eighties neon pink tank top from several miles away. They’ll have shot that crossbow bolt into your head before you get anywhere close enough to let them know you are not a zombie.
Remember what your mum said
Always make sure you’re wearing clean underwear – you may get hit by a bus. And although I always thought my mother was a little bit twisted for saying this (my grandfather was killed by a herd of stampeding buses) she was ultimately right. Buses aren’t the issue here, though. It is the zombie plague
that we are dealing with and should you die, It is highly likely you will rise again (unless you have very good friends – see Euthanasia) and I very much doubt that the first thing that enters a person’s mind on seeing a zombie is ‘I wonder if they have clean pants on’.
However, you must ensure that the basics of hygiene are followed in order for you to attract the best mates when it is time to repopulate the world, and wearing undergarments that are solid enough to crush a zombie’s skull is not the best way to go about attracting a perfect mate.
I know you’re thinking that water will be sparse and it will be difficult to wash yourself, let alone your clothing, but that is no excuse. In every populated area you encounter there will be homes and stores with a surplus of clothing so you will be able to change on a regular basis. Even if you are overly fond of your Iron Maiden tour crop top you are going to have to let it go eventually.
Don’t be stupid
There are two polar opposite trains of thought in the clothing debate that are both as stupid as each other and should be disregarded without a second thought.
The first one is to wear as many clothes as possible, thus forming a protective layer of fabric around yourself to make it harder for zombies to bite through. Is it really logical to think that a zombie that can bite through gristle and flesh will be halted in its tracks by a few layers of thick-knit wool? If you are going to allow a zombie to get close enough to bite you, then he will bite you no matter what you are wearing. And I doubt very much you will be able to ve quickly enough to run away or attack him in six jumpers, two hoodies, nine T-shirts, a swimsuit, three pairs of dungarees and a duffle coat.
The second of these ridiculous theories is to be completely naked. The theory is that by wearing nothing you will give your attacker nothing to grab onto. Firstly, I’m sure the men reading this can see the potential element for risk in this plan, and secondly, it’s all well and good being naked in the confines of your own home whilst you’re doing the ironing and Coronation Street is on TV but this is a zombie apocalypse we’re talking about here! You may have to run for your life at any minute through streets littered with rubble and glass and people’s entrails and drawing pins. It’s just not practical! And don’t even get me started on those people who also advocate covering themselves with a layer of grease so it’s harder for the zombies to grab onto…
COCONUT
A coconut is not a particularly effective weapon to use against the undead, but with the correct application it will do the trick of destroying a brain. There is, however, an even better use for this humble nut and that is in your training.
A coconut is hard and cylindrical and thus very similar to a skull (in most cases it is actually thicker and harder). It’s therefore an excellent gauge of how effective your bludgeoning weapons are and will allow you to measure just how much force is required to smash the coconut – and ergo a human skull – when the time comes. Having this handy item will also save you from having to practise on your friends or grandparents.
COSMIC ORDERING
Dear Cosmos,
Please could you stop the undead from rising? Destroy all the zombies that have already risen. Allow the human race to flourish again. Give me lots of money, a large mansion and a big penis and/or breasts (depending on what sex I am).
Yours gratefully,
A True Believer
Dear True Believer,
No.
Yours, Dr Dale
C/O The Cosmos
COUNSELLING (OTHERS)
During the apocalypse it won’t always be just about katanas, machetes and eating toilet paper to survive; sometimes the battle will need to be fought with words and the occasional hug. Due to the immense knowledge of survival techniques that you will have garnered from these very pages you will naturally fall into a leadership position in your group and it will be your primary responsibility to protect everyone in it. And not just from the enemy outside – they will also need saving from themselves.
Not everyone will have taken the fall of civilisation as well as you, not everyone will have been able to accept the deaths of their loved ones as easily as you have and not everyone may be able to deal with the inevitable loss of daytime soaps from their lives. A survival team requires full mental focus in order to be successful, so, as well as being a soldier of mercy, you will also need to be a shoulder to cry on.
Counselling can take many different forms and I do not presume to know all the ins and outs of the human psyche, but here are two simple techniques I recommend for dealing with a mentally unbalanced member of your group to ensure that they remain on kilter and ready to fight. It’s up to you which you prefer.
Listening
Sometimes, just sitting and listening to a person’s problems can help them come to terms with their inner issues. All this technique requires is for you to sit (preferably with your legs crossed) and nod sagely and with understanding at the appropriate times.
PERFECTING YOUR NODDING TECHNIQUE
The correct nodding technique is the most difficult part of this particular strategy and you may wish to grab a mirror to practise. First furrow your brow slightly and let a sadness enter your eyes – now nod… No! That’s too fast, slower, slower, slower – no – now that’s too slow – somewhere in between… No! That’s too fast again. Look, it might be better if I let you practise that on your own.
The beauty of this technique, once perfected, is that you don’t ever actually have to listen to what is being said to you. Purely the act of nodding occasionally will give the illusion that you care and sometimes that’s all someone needs. To know someone cares… Even if you really don’t.
Cruel to be kind
The polar opposite of the ‘Listening’ technique. Sometimes people need a shock to the system to break them out of a cycle of maudlin thoughts. So if they come to talk to you about some minor issue (e.g. they’re finding it difficult to cope with the solitude or they lost an arm during battle) just shout at them. Not in a random, Tourette’s way – you need to be focused in your rant. Take this example below and adapt it to fit your own style:
‘What? What are you talking about! You’re worried about (insert person’s minor problem) when civilisation is over!! You’re worried about (repeat person’s minor problem) when all over the world millions are dead! When corpses are rising and killing people all you’re worried about is (repeat person’s minor problem this time with utter contempt). Do you realise how selfish and self-absorbed you sound? Now, get over yourself and let’s go kill some zombies!’
WHICH TECHNIQUE IS THE MOST EFFECTIVE?
In controlled tests we discovered that the ‘Cruel’ technique works a lot quicker than the ‘Listening’ technique. We also found that it is 29% more effective when used on old people and toddlers.
COUNSELLING (YOURSELF)
It is easily assumed that a highly trained individual like yourself will be a cold-hearted, single-minded dealer of death during the dark days of the apocalypse, and it would be wise to uphold this image to ensure that you have the full support of your teammates during any crazy missions you plan. Even so, you are only human, and there will be times when you will need to talk. There will be occasions when you feel that you are teetering on the edge of sanity with all the blood, guts, gore, death and destruction around you, but you won’t want to reveal your weakness to the rest of your group. Who could you possibly trust with your fears? That’s easy – the one person you can truly rely on during a zombie apocalypse is yourself. That’s why you will also need to educate yourself in the art of self-counselling.
Of course, you don’t want to be seen talking to yourself because people may then begin to question your sanity. So here at the School of Survival we have formulated a foolproof method of effective self-counselling.
Take a sock.
Put it on your hand.
Talk to the sock puppet (you’ll have to do the voice of the sock too).
A self-counselling sock puppet may go something li
ke this:
You: Hello there, do you mind if I talk to you about my problems?
Sock: Not at all.
You: What’s your name?
Sock: That doesn’t matter – let’s talk about you.
You: I’d like to know your name, though.
Sock: It’s not really important.
You: I’m not going to tell someone my problems if I don’t know their name.
Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 4