What is also frowned upon in many fighting styles is multiple head shots. This can lead to brain damage of your opponent – which when fighting a zombie is pretty much the point. With this in mind you need to be able to adapt your fighting styles to be most effective.
FIGHTING RULES
Avoid being bitten.
Avoid being grabbed – and if you are grabbed, escape whilst following point one and attempting point three.
Destroy the brain whilst carrying out both points one and two.
Doing point one, point two and point three all at the same time can effectively be called point four.
There is no point five unless you want to incorporate point four into the other three points thus making the need for a further point, but if that were the case we could just continue to bullet point the points we had already made in order to make pointless points so disregard this point.
FIGHTING TALK
No matter what your fighting style, it is always good to use as much profanity as possible. It’s the done thing. You should swear and insult with such vehemence that you spit whilst you are doing it. Do not worry about the noise you are making either. Once a zombie has you and starts growling others will be attracted anyway and a good bit of swearing can pump you up enough to finish the zombie off quicker and escape before his friends arrive. PLEASE note that words like ‘poo’, ‘bottom’, ‘nipple’ and ‘flip’ do not class as swearing.
All other moves you incorporate into your own personal fighting style will be purely for show – and frankly a zombie isn’t going to be impressed if you can kick a lighted cigarette from his mouth whilst standing on a bottle of beer, so what’s the use of adding razzle-dazzle if it’s only going to be as effective as flailing about with a hammer and swearing very loudly?
FILM
Many people would not appreciate the merits of sitting in a darkened room surrounded by empty Wotsit packets, pizza boxes and coffee cups watching horror films. They would prefer to go for a jog around the block in order to be in peak physical condition in preparation for the apocalypse. Whilst I fully support exercise as essential to a decent training regime, so is research and the only way we can research zombies is by watching films.
A zombie apocalypse has not yet happened so our only source of reference is the imagination of such masters as Romero and Pegg. Although some of the technicalities may not be correct (Day of the Dead 20/i>, for example – I don’t think we’ll ever see vegetarian zombies or watch them disintegrate when touched by flame) they provide us with some noteworthy combat and survival ideas. Who previously would have thought of using LPs as weapons prior to Shaun of the Dead? The issue of zombies underwater had never really been broached prior to Land of the Dead and to give Day of the Dead 2008 some credit, zombies may well inadvertently let off a machine gun. Who knows? And that is the point – nobody does know and we won’t until it finally happens, but we need to attain as much information as possible for every available scenario if we are going to be prepared. So yes, go for a jog around the block, but also watch zombie films. Lots of them! (We also recommend interspersing the horrors with the occasional romantic comedy just to take the edge off. And maybe some porn? But not if you’re eating Wotsits as that will turn your penis orange.)
FIRE
Without electricity, fire may be our only option for light or cooking. In these circumstances, when used properly so that the flames or smoke will not attract hordes to your location, we advocate its use. Never, never, never use fire as a weapon.
We know that the only way to kill a zombie is by destroying the brain and I’m only repeating myself now in case certain readers decided to skip the letters A–E due to some particular dislike of those specific letters and have joined us straight at F.
Fire will destroy a brain, and indeed an entire human body given time, but when you have a member of Club Dead shambling towards you, time is something that is not on your side. Zombies are unaffected by pain and have no fear, so being set alight will do nothing to deter them from continuing on their quest to bite you. So now, because you threw a Molotov at your attacker, you not only have a zombie shambling towards you but you have a flaming zombie who has just set fire to your mum’s favourite curtains and isn’t stopping.
The fact that the zombie is a walking fireball will prevent you from getting close enough with a melee weapon (see Weapons) and to make matters worse, your mother will be shouting about her curtains and the ash that’s being shed on her Laura Ashley sofa. So, you see what you’ve done? Not only have you condemned yourself to death, you’ve also burnt down your own safe house. Rather than make a Molotov cocktail, you should have just smashed the bottle over the zombie’s head and then rammed the jagged edge into its frontal lobe. OK, you would have got blood on the carpet, but I’m reliably informed that club soda could get that out.
FIRST AID
There will be times during an apocalypse when non-zombie-related accidents happen and you won’t have the excuse of just being able to smash the injured party in the head with a brick in order to solve the problem. A good survivalist needs to know the basics of first aid in order to keep the rest of the team in tip-top condition ready for their next round with the undead.
First aid and medical issues are quite involved and you could probably fill a whole book with the various skills you’d need to learn to deal with the injuries that could befall you or a member of your team during a zombie apocalypse (in fact, I did fill a book with the info called Dr Dale’s Various Skills You’d Need to Learn to Deal With the Injuries that Could Befall You or a Member of Your Team During a Zombie Aalypse – available from all good bookshops soon). In the meantime though, I have listed some of the more pertinent information should the dead rise before the book is released.
Dislocated bones
We’ve all seen it happen in films where someone has to have their shoulder popped back in by a buddy. Well, if you’ve seen it in a film you shouldn’t need me to tell you about it. Thing is, it’s not really as easy as it looks and it may take three or four (or fifteen is my personal best) attempts to get that bone back in place. Naturally, the person with the injury will feel one or two slight twinges of pain so you may have to ram a balled-up sock in their mouth to muffle any screams. Do ensure that you don’t push the sock too far into their mouth as this will suffocate them.
Suffocation with sock
The quickest and easiest way to deal with this is to remove the sock. However, should the sock have been shoved too far down the throat for you to able to retrieve it then you may have to perform a tracheotomy. This would involve making a hole in the person’s throat in order for them to continue to breath. It’s usually best not to do this unless you are a trained surgeon, but if you don’t happen to be qualified then please be careful not to damage the vocal chords when carrying out the procedure. If you do, it means that the injured person may no longer be able to speak or will sound like a Dalek when they do.
If the person is still conscious when you carry out the procedure, make sure someone holds them down as, should they struggle, it may cause you to slip whilst making the incision and cut open your own hand.
Cut on hand caused by accident duringtracheotomy
As long as you don’t slice any major arteries there should be no problems. The initial order of the day is to stop the bleeding. Just apply pressure to the wound until the blood starts to congeal. If it is a small wound this can be done with a small piece of tissue and your finger. If the wound is larger use a towel and your entire hand. Also make sure your hand is elevated to slow the flow of blood to the wound, giving the cut time to start healing.
Once the blood has subsided, ensure the wound is clean and bandaged. Do ensure that the bandages are tied tightly though, so they do not come loose and you inadvertently trip over them and break your arm.
Broken arm after inadvertently tripping overloose bandages
If after the fall the arm is twisted into a strange shape, you may wish to take
a moment to assess the situation. You will then realise that as you are in the middle of an apocalypse there is no medical help coming, and you will come to the conclusion that you didn’t actually need to assess the situation. The arm will need to be splinted so that it resets in an approximation of the shape it first started out in. To do this, you will need to twist the arm round, back into its original position and then bind a splint to it (a splint is a solid unbendable piece of wood. If the splint has nails sticking out of it or a spike on the end, and is bound to the broken arm effectively, it can also be used as a weapon).
Be aware that if you have to twist the broken arm back into its original position, the injured party may struggle with pain and inadvertently push you through a plate glass windowiv height="0em">
Being pushed through a plate glass window by a struggling person with a broken arm
As long as no shards of glass have pierced vital organs or major arteries you should be OK. Just slowly remove the slivers of glass that are protruding from your body and apply pressure to the wounds much like you would if you had cut your hand whilst performing a tracheotomy. If there are larger pieces of glass it may be wise to have a sewing kit at hand so that the wound can be stitched up to aid the healing process. The sewing kit need not have any more in it than a needle and thread because if it is too heavy somebody may dislocate their shoulder when lifting it.
Dislocated shoulder from lifting a heavysewing box
Refer back to the beginning.
These are just a few of the possible accidents that could occur whilst trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. It is best to assess each case individually and decide whether or not you are going to spend the time and energy treating the injured party.
For example: How long will your teammate be out of service with the injury? Will your teammate suffer long-term effects due to the injury? Will they get a lot of sympathy and attention from the rest of the team leaving you wanting? Once you’ve weighed up the pros and cons you should be able to decide whether you will help your injured teammate or whether you should creep up to them in the night, stick a bag on their head and dump them in the middle of the city to wait to die. I’m sure they’d want the latter – no one wants to be a burden in this day and age.
FOOTWEAR
We have previously discussed the best clothing to wear during an apocalypse and equally important is planning what to wear on your feet. Your feet, along with your legs, are what you will do most of your running with so it is important that they are correctly attired. We recommend steel toe-capped workmen’s boots or any variation thereof. Initially, they may seem cumbersome to run any great distance in, but with the potential for hazards and rough terrain they are preferable to normal running shoes and the toe-caps give an added kick when your feet are needed to stave off attackers.
FOOTWEAR AT HOME
Of course, this is what we recommend when out and about on the scavenge or on the move. When in the confines of your safe house you can afford to be a little more comfort-orientated or adventurous with your footwear (I do enjoy a lovely red stiletto with a killer heel) as long as you have your boots ready should you need to leave quickly.
FRIENDS AND FAMILY
You will no doubt be familiar with the saying ‘Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer’. This doesn’t apply in a zombie apocalypse. Bugger your enemies (not literally) and, if possible, use them as a decoy to facilitate your own escape. It is your friends and family who are most important to you now.
First of all we’re going to do a little exercise. I want you to close your eyes and picture all of your family together – perhaps envision them posing for a family portrait that you are taking. Now I want you to imagine which two of your family you would take w>
What you did just then was decide who to save. It will be impossible to save everyone so what you have to do is prioritise. Of course, you may manage more than two. If your entire family lives under one roof then you’ll have a good chance of saving them all (but remember, the benefit system will crumble during an apocalypse so you may have to find some other way to survive). It is important to realise, though, that if your family is separated some of them will die. It also doesn’t matter what your reasons for choosing your top two were. OK, granted your sister is younger than your grandma – but granny was the only one who was ever nice to you and your sister always thought she was better than you what with getting her degree in natural sciences and marrying that marine biologist – you’ll show her who the golden girl of the family is now! You must help the ones you feel are most important to you as their support will guide you through the darker days of the siege.
Your friends are just as important, but bear in mind that each individual friend will have family members that they will wish to save in an apocalypse so it is with your friends that you need to make a survival plan. Firstly, decide where you plan to meet within seven days of the outbreak. I will leave you to decide on an exact location – there is enough information within this dictionary to help you make an informed decision.
But before we leave this topic let’s do another quick exercise. I want you to put your friends in order of usefulness during a zombie apocalypse. For example, a martial arts expert would be very useful whereas a performing arts student would not.
Once you have done that, look at the list and ask yourself the question: ‘Are there enough skilled people in my circle of friends?’ If not, then you need to make some new friends. Mechanics, nurses, weapons forgers – get on MySpace, Facebook and sadandlonely.com and link up with people of use in your area.
‘You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.’ Remember that! It will come in handy. Although technically it is now no longer true. You can legally divorce your own parents and get a Professor of Medicine or Chuck Norris to adopt you – then they’d be duty bound to protect you when the zombies rise.
FUNFAIR
There may be numerous places to hide in a funfair – like the hall of mirrors and the fun house – and there’ll be rides and rollercoasters and an endless supply of candyfloss, so initially it may seem like the perfect place to set up your sanctuary. But if Zombieland has taught us anything it’s that when the apocalypse comes there will be zombie clowns, and where will they be? The funfair, of course.
Clowns are bad enough when they’re not the reanimated dead but when they are they’re twice as freaky. Besides, it would be extremely embarrassing if you were attacked and then had to explain to everyone that you were bitten by a clown. Especially if it was a girl clown with big shoes and a pink wig and a nose that honked when you hit her.
Mascots are an issue too – people dressed as animals. It’s demeaning enough that they had to do the job when they were alive, but now they have to spend eternity wandering round looking like that, and would you really feel right taking a machete to a six foot zombie beaver called Bradley? Or a puffin called Don?
GAMING
Specifically, gaming that involves a console and not gaming that requires you to sit at a dining room table wearing a plastic replica helmet pretending that you’re Bladmor the invisible wizard from the realm of Juggerjuggerjuggersadlife.
Unlike most survival manifestos for the coming apocalypse, we fully advocate the use of video gaming as part of your training routine. It has been shown that along with regular exercise and occasional forays into fresh air, console gaming can increase hand-eye coordination, reaction time and stamina. Just ensure that you train by playing relevant games and do not lose your focus on facts and reality. It may be a great deal of fun to pretend to be a small fat Italian plumber racing a dragon in a go-cart, but at exactly what point during a zombie apocalypse do you think you will have to utilise that particular skill? And even if you do think you look particularly snazzy in a pair of red cut-off dungarees, I can assure you that no matter how many mushrooms you eat you will neither become invincible for a short period of time nor will any part of your body increase in size.
Even
in zombie-specific games, there are certain occurrences that must be taken with a pinch of salt. Firstly, you are not going to find small caches of ammo and guns piled up in safe rooms for you to stock up on, and if you do have weapons they will take longer to load than the click of a button. Neither will you be able to heal yourself with a few sprigs of basil and a lettuce leaf or by wrapping a bandage around your leg for five seconds.
GARAGE
I’ve just been down to my garage and found a life-sized plastic carp and a copy of the 1984 winners of the Eurovision Song Contest on vinyl 45. It is amazing what you can find in these oft-ignored store areas when preparing for and scavenging during a zombie apocalypse. The average household tends to store all their tools in the garage, along with batteries, fuel, light bulbs, rope, old clothes, hiking boots, winter coats and freezers full of food – some people even keep their cars in there! Garages are also safer areas to scavenge in than houses as you are more likely to encounter the zombified inhabitants still in situ in their living room where they thought they were safe. People often opt for comfort over security in these situations and nine out of ten homeowners would prefer to die in their own houses than in their garage (the other one out of ten actually lived in his garage so the results there are a bit cloudy).
Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 7