Although on the other hand, furnishing your house in Ikea furniture could actually be quite handy. Because it is all flat pack, it means that you could transport it all with you when you need to move on to the next place. Beds, sofas, desks, baths. Just unscrew them all, stick them in a suitcase and away you go. It may also be of interest to know that Ikea also sell flat-pack housing (’tis true) so, why bother moving your furniture when you can move your whole house? If the zombie apocalypse begins, just grab your power drill, unscrew the whole thing, stick it on the back of your bike and peddle off into the hills where you can find a nice, zombie-free, secluded spot and rebuild again.
In fact, we could be looking at our zombie survival techniques in completely the wrong way by allowing the army and government to research new weapons. We should actually be asking Ikea to do it! A flat-pack tank stored in your cupboard under the stairs could be invaluable. Likewise, a flat-pack missile launcher under the sink, or a flat-pack bomb shelter stored in the attic to be dragged out at the appropriate time.
Of course, in the case of these items, we would recommend that you DO read the instructions correctly as you want to make sure that the gun’s pointing the right way on the flat-pack tank – and who knows the consequences of a missing screw on a missile launcher?
INFECTION
Infection by a zombie virus is primarily through a bite from another infected person; do not discount the fact that the infection may be transmitted in other ways, though. Either as an airborne virus, in water, through blood, touch, toilet seats, kissing or phone sex. Until you receive definitive intelligence on how infection is caused, remain cautious.
INSANITY
It is a real shame, but with all the death, destruction, chaos and flesh-eating that’s going on during the apocalypse there will be some people whose minds won’t be able to cope. That little elastic band in their psyche that holds it all together will go ping and snap, sending them spiralling into a world of insanity. This will make them neither use nor ornament in the battle against the undead.
You may be able to halt the progression of some people’s mental breakdown by following the couselling advice laid out in the counselling segment. Those who are beyond help will either need to be disposed of swiftly or used as a distraction to facilitate your own escape. Here are a few examples of the insanity you may encounter during a zombie apocalypse:
It’s not happening
This form of insanity may seem quite mild, but it is highly dangerous as the person suffering believes that life is continuing as normal. Therefore, they will happily leave doors wide open, they will play live music and they will treat members of the undead like normal human beings and invite them in for tea and crumpets. When this form of insanity manifests itself, the person suffering is not always beyond redemption and you may be able to snap them out of their trance. If you cannot then just ask them to nip down the newsagents and pick you up twenty Bensons. It’s unlikely you’ll ever see them again – and if you do, you’ll have fags. Bonus!
The screamy shouter
Complete bellowing madness with all the wailing, moaning, thrashing and spitting that you would imagine would occur when total breakdown hits. The stress of the situation will force the sufferer to attempt to expel some of the tension they are feeling through screaming very loudly and foaming at the mouth. It is not too hard to see why it would be dangerous to have a screamer alongside you in an apocalyptic situation. Once this level of lunacy has been reached electrotherapy and a straight jacket is what’s needed and you won’t have time for that. Hit them with a spade. Hard.
Catatonia
It would be lovely to have Cerys Matthews with you when the undead rise. She could sing you to sleep at night with her haunting rendition of ‘Mulder and Sculley’. Unfortunately we’re talking about a different kind of catatonia. The kind where the sufferer will exhibit complete loss of motor functions and show ignorance of any external stimuli. Depending on the level of the problem this could come in fits and starts and manifest as a series of blackouts for the patient, or it could be constant. Either way, the last thing you need during battle is for the person fighting by your side to suddenly go catatonic.
Killing a catatonic person is not always your only option, though. Depending on the level of rigidity in their body when they lose motor function, it may be possible to use them as part of a barricade, a battering ram or a draught excluder, should the wind be creeping in under your door.
I am Spartacus
The belief that they are someone else completely can sometimes overcome a person, meaning that they themselves do not have to cope with the situation they are in. This could be manifested as multiple personalities or with the sufferer believing they are Admiral Lord Nelson, the Queen, Spartacus or Buck Rogers.
If they believe that they are someone relatively normal then this is sometimes absolutely no problem to deal with as you would treat them like any other person who you were attempting to survive with. The difficulties occur if they believe that they are imbued with super powers or happen to have become God. In this case, you need to get rid of them as soon as possible before they open the door to your safe house believing that they can keep everyone safe. It won’t be too difficult to rid yourself of the problem. Just tell them to go and fly off the roof or use their cloak of invisibility to pass unseen through a horde, or make the zombie masses part like Moses did with the Red Sea. Either way, you can use their supposed power to be their ultimate downfall.
Undead-lover
These weirdos must have made some really bad relationship decisions in the past, because when the dead rise they will see them as some kind of holy thing to be worshipped and adored. The only thing you have to worry about with these idiots is that they close the door on their way out to give their dearest undead a hug and get themselves killed.
Chomper
The worst form of insanity is if someone actually believes they are a zombie when they are not; that by becoming their nemesis they will become safe from it. This is in no way similar to emulation (see Emulation). They will not just pretend to be a zombie; they will become a zombie just without being dead. They will try and bite you and they will seem impervious to pain (their mental state will cause them to block their pain receptor. They will however be affected eventually – the human body can only take so much. The plus side to this is, unlike real zombies, you don’t have to go for the head shot and they will be disposed of quite easily, leaving you to carry on living a life of quiet normality and battling the undead.
INNER CITY REDEVELOPMENT
AND ROAD PLANNING
‘Quick, turn right now!’
‘That won’t get us out of the city!’
‘It will! Trust me! Turn right!’
‘Full right or bear right?’
‘You missed it! Damn it!’
‘It’s OK, I’ll go down here! Damn! Where did those bollards come from?’
‘Reverse! Reverse!’
‘It’s one way!’
‘It’s a zombie apocalypse, it doesn’t matter! Quick, cut down that alley!’
‘This is a pedestrian area!’
‘Turn right. Now!’
‘But we need to be over the other side of town!’
‘I know what I’m doing!’
‘What the hell is that blocking the road?’
‘It depicts the flourish of youth that lives within the life of us all.’
‘It looks like a few hunks of rusted metal with a fibre optic light in it.’
‘Cost the council three million pounds.’
‘I shouldn’t really run it over then.’
‘Go down this road here.’
‘But we’ve driven past that Starbucks three times now!’
‘Turn right!’
‘But we need to be over the other side of the canal!’
‘Watch those speed bumps!’
‘Who put those bollards there?’
‘Oh screw this, I’m just going to get out and
let the zombies eat me.’
INSECTS
Things to bear in mind regarding insects during a zombie apocalypse:
Mosquitoes, flies, lice etc. spread disease. Ensure you keep your safe house and your own body clean to stop the spread of disease.
Some insects aid in decomposition. Something that is generally overlooked by popular media in the depiction of the undead is that they will most likely be surrounded by flies and will have other insects living in or on them. Zombies are rotting flesh and this will attract some insects to them. It is unlikely that insects will be prey to zombies and as zombies don’t feel pain, they will not try and stop the infestation of our six-legged friends. The insects then eat the rotting flesh and, although it is a time-consuming way to await the end of the apocalypse, they will ultimately kill the zombies. (A disturbing side effect to this rather positive thought is that the flies who eat the zombie flesh may then be able to transmit the virus.)
Some insects make things. Bees make honey. Honey tastes nice. Yum. Silk worms make something too – it eludes me exactly what at the moment.
You can eat insects – only some of them, mind, so don’t just go and stick your head in a termite mound and hope for the best. Amongst those that are tried and tested are Green Thai Crickets, Toasted Leafcutter Ants and Chocolate Covered Giant Ants – I’m not too sure to which area chocolate-covered ants are indigenous, but I’m sure further research on the interweb will reveal where to find them.
Some insects could survive a nuclear explosion (cockroaches can’t, that’s an urban legend – but fruit flies could). With that in mind, it may be a good idea to make yourself a suit out of fruit flies. This will keep you safe should the authorities decide to nuke your area in order to destroy the zombie menace.
Without the correct predators to control population, some species could potentially reproduce so quickly that they could literally bury the whole world in one season. Not really sure there’s anything you could do about that.
INSTANT REACTION
What’s the first thing you should do on hearing of a zombie apocalypse? Get to your loved ones? Grab a weapon and start fighting? Jump off a building? Set your Sky+ to record all the programmes you might miss? Tidy your room? No. No. No. Possibly. No! The first thing you should do is get yourself secure.
That doesn’t mean you need to move to the place that you had designated as a safe house in your zombie plan. What it means is that you need to get yourself locked into any building (apart from Panic Zones) and barricade the doors as quickly as you can. At this stage don’t worry about supplies or weapons. There may be things within the building you have chosen that can be utilised should the need arise. But if you have secured yourself correctly then the need shouldn’t arise for weapons and you shouldn’t have to wait too long before you can venture out and look for food.
The reason for this action is simple. As soon as the apocalypse begins all hell will break loose: there will be panic on the streets, people won’t know what’s going on, and the place will become a war zone. With so much mayhem it will be difficult to keep focused and keep yourself safe. By distancing yourself from the chaos and ensuring the building you have chosen is correctly secured, you are effectively biding your time until the initial panic is over. This won’t take as long as you think – either the authorities will gain control or the dead will win. Either way you will reach the other side of the initial outbreak alive.
Unlike a conventional war, the dead won’t start searching house to house. Once the carnage is over they will become docile and start wandering around aimlessly. Once they have begun this process (after the majority of the living are dead or reanimated) that is when you can put your survival plan into action and head for your designated safe house.
INSURANCE
Although a cursory search of the Internet only reveals hoax and comedy versions of insurance cover in the event of a zombie apocalypse, this is not a matter to take lightly. If you feel it necessary (and should you also believe that the financial stability of the world’s currencies – and the insurance company – will survive through the apocalypse), then by all means take out a policy. Many high-profile insurance firms have specialist departments that deal with out of the ordinary requests, including the insurance of celebrity body parts and unique highly expensive items, so insurance against a zombie apocalypse must be within the realms of possibility.
At the moment one is able to purchase insurance against alien abduction and to also double the payout should you become pregnant with an alien baby during the abduction (available to both men and women), so I imagine it won’t be long before some forward-thinking insurance company comes up with the idea of zombie insurance. When they do though, we’ll be the ones who come out laughing. Alien abduction insurance will never be cashed in, but a zombie apocalypse is bound to happen.
INTERFERONS
Interferons (IFNs) are natural cell-signalling proteins produced by the cells of the immune system of most vertebrates in response to challenges such as viruses, parasites and tumour cells. Interferons belong to the large class of glycoproteins known as cytokines. They are produced by a wide variety of cells in response to the presence of double-stranded RNA, a key indicator of viral infection. Interferons assist the immune response by inhibiting viral replication within host cells, activating natural killer cells and macrophages, increasing antigen presentation to lymphocytes, and inducing the resistance of host cells to viral infection.
But I don’t know why you’d be interested in that because THERE IS NO CURE! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop holding on to the possibility that you might be immune! You’re not! Nobody is! Why? Because there is no cure!
INTERNET
Due to the continuing computerisation of the world and the fact that a lot of our day-to-day amenities no longer need constant human supervision in order to operate, I’m sure that you’ll all be pleased to know that the Internet should stay up and running a fair way into the apocalypse. And you should have continued access to it as long as your electricity holds out or you don’t need to use your laptop to barricade a door.
There will, of course, be certain sites that will be of use and those that won’t. To help get your priorities straight let’s have a look at some of them.
Facebook
When used correctly Facebook can be an excellent way of increasing your survivalist contacts worldwide so that you can monitor the possibility of zombie outbreaks and share survival tips with a prepared global community. Don’t become distracted by the some of the other wonders that this social networking site has to offer, though (poking people, building a farm, running a mafia gang or joining any groups that promise to show you pictures that will make you either LOL, ROFL, PMSL or LKAOPSBQG) as it will seriously eat into your training time.
RECOMMENDED GROUPS ON FACEBOOK:
-Zombie Apocalypse Preparation
-You’ve Got Dead On You
-The Hardest Part of a Zombie Apocalypse Will Be Pretending I’m Not Excited
-How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse*
*That last one is ours – you can talk to me direct on that one.
YouTube
Amateur filmmakers ahoy! Do not waste your time looking on YouTube for any useful information about the apocalypse. It will be inundated with undergraduate media studies students uploading grainy footage of themselves snivelling into the camera in night vision about how scared they are. They’ll believe this to be a true and honest depiction of the unadulterated horror that the world is enduring. All in the hope that after the apocalypse, should they survive, their opus will be picked up for a Best Documentary Award at Cannes.
The best you can hope for is that while they’re being self-obsessed about the lighting, one of the undead will lumber up behind them and chew off an ear – now that would be entertainment.
eBay
The place to get anything! Weapons, fuel, survival gear and this book (probably for less than what you paid for it in the shops).
Problem is, I’m not sure that the postal service will be running at 100% efficiency during the apocalypse so it may be as well to ensure that if you do buy anything you get the seller to guarantee personal delivery within 24 hours (even if it is from abroad). If they don’t then threaten to leave negative feedback. That’ll hurt them.
Twitter
An excellent way to find out if your loved ones and major celebrities are alive and well. We suggest updating your Twitter at least every three minutes with the statement ‘I’m Still Alive’ up until the point you are not (it won’t be necessary to update your Twitter once you are no longer alive).
Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 10