Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary

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Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 14

by Dr Dale Seslick


  Do not try and cop a feel. There will be time enough for that later – once you have destroyed the brain and your attacker is down.

  NUKED

  Picture the scene. You have managed to find yourself a secure safe house and you’ve got all the weapons and supplies you need to last for at least six months. You have managed to get all your loved ones into your sanctuary with you and there is an attractive person to hand to enable effective repopulation when the whole affair is over.

  Then the authorities go and drop a nuclear bomb on you. From reading this training manual, you will have come to the conclusion that zombies will not be your only problem. You should bear in mind that some brainless bureaucrat may take it upon themselves to start blowing up urban areas in order to attempt to control the spread of the undead. Even if you paint a sign on your roof trumpeting your presence and the fact that you are still alive, they will just look upon you as collateral damage – one person who must be sacrificed in order to save the many. This is why, at your earliest and safest opportunity, you should attempt to vacate urban areas and get out into the country. There you can watch the beautiful mushroom clouds blossom all around you and die a much more slow and painful death due to radiation poisoning.

  …OF THE DEAD

  The definitive guide to most things apocalypse-related lies within the films of George A. Romero. The man who single-handedly reinvented the genre for modern audiences, he leaves no stone unturned when investigating the cause and effect of the living dead as they rise from their graves, whilst at the same time passing comment on the state of the world we live in today. Anyone who is truly serious about surviving the apocalypse should watch the complete collection of Romero movies and ingest every morsel of information within them.

  Survival of the Dead

  What you doing, George? You trying to make my whole point moot? I just don’t want to talk about it…

  Night of the Living Dead

  A group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in a farmhouse.

  Dawn of the Dead

  A group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in a mall.

  Day of the Dead

  A group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in an underground bunker.

  Land of the Dead

  A group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in a walled city.

  Diary of the Dead

  A group of people decide not to hide from bloodthirsty zombies but film them instead. Then they realise that that was a silly idea and hide in a mansion.

  Dairy of the Dead

  A group of people hide from bloodthirsty zombies in a cheese factory and eat lots of cheese… Or that may have been a dream I had…

  OBSTACLE COURSE

  This is probably the worst place to be when being chased by a zombie. If you happen to find yourself on an army base or the set of The Krypton Factor when the zombies attack, then ensure that you don’t get trapped on the obstacle course. You will have to run through tyres and swing across muddy puddles and walk across thin planks of wood, and if you do fall off, you’ll have to go back and start again. All of this will also be more tiring than running across flat terrain.

  If you are unable to steer clear of the obstacle course then just hope that it has one of those really tall walls with a knotted rope for you to climb over with. The zombies won’t be able to scale it effectively as they can’t climb. There is the faint possibility that they may realise they can walk around it…but that’s cheating so here’s hoping they’ll stick to the rules.

  ORIGAMI

  Ever had a paper cut? Lethal, aren’t they? Imagine building an axe or a sword out of paper! That would be doubly lethal…or just plain stupid. Either way, it passes the time.

  OTHER SURVIVORS

  In an apocalypse we won’t just have the zombies to worry about. Oh, no siree, Bob. And I’m not just talking about those troublesome authorities or even those loony bins who crack under the pressure. There are also the other – quite ‘sane’ – survivors to worry about, who may end up being your downfall. And we wouldn’t want you being popped off by just another plain, old human being. Here’s a few of the rotters that you’ll need to look out for:

  The cultist

  Whenever there’s a disaster there’s always a religious leader around to take advantage of people’s fear and confusion. Even if all the religious leaders have been torn asunder by their zombified choirboys, there will always be someone left who believes that they have been chosen to lead the new dawn and become the divine one. Their reasoning is that God has spared them and you do wonder if maybe God did have some kind of plan for this kind of person because it’s a mystery how they would have survived thus far without any divine intervention.

  The reason you need to be wary around these people is that they have usually amassed a group of followers who will do anything their leader commands (under the misapprehension that it is the word of the Lord) and if the leader sees you as a threat he may set his legions on you to retain his control or force you to join them and wear a silly mask and a yellow anorak. Death or a Difficult choice.

  The hoarder

  People who were organised when the apocalypse first began. They have managed to secure a great deal of highly sought-after supplies and will part with them for no amount of begging or bartering. Usually they will have moved the supplies to one main, extremely secure holding area, but in some cases they may have ‘staked a claim’ on other buildings, such as warehouses or large stores, where it is easier to leave the items in situ than move them. In this case you will be classed as a looter if you are found raiding these buildings and may be punished or killed. It is best to pay heed to any signs of territory and move on. There will be enough supplies to be found in the next town or village.

  The highwayman

  The ones who rob you. I think that it’s pretty self-explanatory what the problem with these guys is. Yes, that’s right. They come in and reorganise your kitchen so you can’t find anything. No! They rob you! Steal your stuff! All your stuff! Including, but not limited to, your stuff! All of it! Kill them.

  The Soloist

  That lone wolf who sits brooding in a darkened room smoking an endless supply of cigarettes and toting his bloodied hunting knife. He wears nothing but his ripped jeans (mid-blue) and a sleeveless combat jacket to show off his rippling tattooed arms. The stubble on his face is indiscernible from the dirt and dried blood. He has usually decided to go it alone because his entire family was annihilated within the first few minutes of the outbreak and he has vowed to destroy every last zombie.

  He is reckless and doesn’t take orders, and he wouldn’t think twice about killing you should you distract him from his mission. Stay away from him. He may be strong and deadly but he’s also extremely depressing to be around and will ruin any party you decide to have.

  FEMALE SOLOISTS

  The soloist can just as easily be a woman who will take on exactly the same appearance – just replace the ‘stubble on his face’ with ‘stubble on her legs’.

  The master

  ‘I’m king of the world!’ No – he’s neither Jack Dawson nor James Cameron accepting an Oscar. This survivor thinks that due to the death of all others he is rightful ruler of the city/country/world/universe (depending on what this person believes they rule could topple them over into our insanity segment). It is quite likely that they are also ‘hoarders’ with a large store of supplies that they won’t share.

  The difference between being a master as well as a hoarder is that they are attempting to instil their own form of law onto the land that doesn’t just bear on looting. They may wish to take several wives. They could charge taxes for travelling across their land. They could enslave you. Like ‘cultists’, they will have a large group of followers who will do their bidding.

  These followers are not as stable as a religious following, though, as they will only stay loyal to those in power. Either way, you really need to avoid these guys, as the last thing you need to
become involved in is a turf war whilst the undead are still lumbering around. The master also has a tendency for complacency as he sits resting on his laurels, which will ultimately lead to him being bitten.

  The Shoot-firsters

  As you go sauntering down a deserted street minding your own business, taking in the fresh air and looking for food and weapons, the last thing you expect is for a bullet to embed itself between your eyes. There are survivors out there, though, who understandably will shoot or kill anything that moves.

  When travelling the streets you must react as if you are in a war zone. Don’t just keep your eyes open at ground level for the undead. You also need to look above for signs of life just to make sure that you don’t get shot or get a piano dropped on you, or a sofa, or a filing cabinet, or a bed or a… Actually, the list is endless really so I’m going to stop there. Suffice to say that other survivors may drop things off buildings hoping to hit you thinking that you’re a zombie. Actually, it’s unlikely they’d drop a tulip on you so maybe the list isn’t endless, after all. You get the point though.

  The Meek

  It is said that the meek shall inherit the Earth. Not bleedin’ likely, matey. Not if they continue to weep and wail and wander aimlessly about putting themselves directly in harm’s way so that they constantly have to be rescued. The meek will just get killed is what’ll happen, and then they’ll turn into zombies and then they’ll take over the world… Oh! I see what it’s getting at now!

  OUIJA BOARD

  Here’s an interesting theory. Once a zombie reanimates we all know that there is no longer anything human about them. The human part of them has died and what is left is a feral monster that is driven by an infection and the lust for living flesh. The fact that death occurs prior to reanimation means that technically the person’s soul should have gone somewhere. So for those who believe in ghosts and the spirit world, it should mean that we will still be able to communicate with our loved ones after death because it is only their body that is still active and not their soul.

  It is also a well-documented fact for those who believe in ghostly goings-on and watch Most Haunted on a regular basis that spirits are more likely to manifest themselves if they have suffered a violent and untimely death – and not surprisingly, there will be a lot of that kind of thing going on during a zombie apocalypse.

  So, does that mean that there will be restless spirits roaming our zombified cities as well as the undead? If so, are they likely to try and help us? And if they can, how do we contact them? The Ouija board, of course.

  In the absence of having a trained medium or Yvette Fielding on your team of survivors (and you don’t want Yvette on your team. She’s really jumpy and even after years of presenting a programme about ghosts, she squeals at the slightest noise). Your next best bet is to try and make yourself a Ouija board. This can be done by only using the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ answers or you can include every single letter of the alphabet to allow the spirit to give more detailed answers. You then overturn a glass, everyone involved puts their finger on it and you ask the question ‘Is anybody there?’ Then Bob’s your uncle, the spirits contact you. (It may, actually, not be as easy as all that and may take a bit of tension-building first and the occasional flash of lightning or the lights flickering on and off. Anyway, at some point the spirits ma or may not get in touch.)

  Once you have made contact, you can use the spirits to let you know things like where the best supplies are, if you are going to survive and where One-Eyed Willy’s secret treasure is buried. And I’m sure they’d be more than willing to help seeing as some evil force has taken over their body and is currently dragging its heels about outside looking for people to rip apart.

  If the dead don’t happen to get in touch on this particular occasion then all might not be lost. Use your own finger to point the glass to members of the team you don’t particularly like and send them out on suicide missions while pretending to be possessed by the spirit of Great Uncle Mortimer. The only thing you have to remember with this is that when they get to the afterlife they will probably discover from Great Uncle Mortimer that he wasn’t the one who sent the message and that it was actually you and then they could come back and possess you and force you to make a vase out of clay on a pottery wheel or some other such heinous task. Of course, all of this is irrelevant if you don’t really believe in this kind of thing, because if you don’t believe in it then it can’t really exist, can it?

  Please note that the last question was rhetorical and the theory of not believing in something meaning it doesn’t exist doesn’t work. If that were the case I wouldn’t believe in the zombie apocalypse, meaning that it wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t believe in racial intolerance, meaning that wouldn’t exist, and I also wouldn’t believe in the combined hits of Sophie Ellis Bextor, Gina G and the Cheeky Girls because I really wish they didn’t exist.

  OUTBOARD MOTOR

  Useful for propelling a boat (see Boats) but I would also imagine it would be quite fun to start one up and then stick it in a zombie’s face thus blending its head. Or that may just be taking the whole art of zombie killing just a little too far. With that in mind, though, if you don’t have a blender to make your morning smoothie, you could always use a bucket and an outboard motor. Or a power drill in a jug.

  OUTSIDE

  Try and go there as little as possible.

  PANIC ZONES

  This is one of the things that will get the most people killed in an initial outbreak and will cause the greatest spread of the undead across the globe, yet it would be so easy to stop if people just used their noggin for a moment. People won’t though. You know that and I know that. The general public is essentially stupid when it comes to times of crisis and will flood to their own reanimated death in these quarters of doom known as Panic Zones.

  So what exactly are panic zones? There are several classifications that I will look into now. Avoid them at all costs.

  BEFORE:

  AFTER:

  The Outbreak Zone

  Hospitals are the prime example of this type of panic zone. At the first signs of an outbreak, those who are infected will rush themselves or their loved ones to hospital. The hospital staff won’t know what’s going on and neither will the patients. Then the patients will die, and in due course start to reanimate. The many sick and vulnerable people in the hospital will find it difficult to fight back so you will have a huge number of people all reanimated very quickly. And as more people arrive with no idea of what’s going on inside, the circle of death will continue.

  The Answer Zone

  When a crisis begins everyone thinks they’re a hero, but that doesn’t mean they grab a shovel and walk down the street smashing in the head of every corpse they see. No, that would be the sensible thing to do. They think that the way to be a hero is to march down to the nearest authority (police station, council office, army barracks) and demand answers. They’ll be shouting and bawling at those in power who could be doing a much more effective job if they didn’t have half the city’s population camped on their doorstep screaming and shouting about the ignominy of the situation rather than doing anything proactive about it. So there you have it. Crowds of people all in one place. All it takes is one zombie and the rest, as they say, is history.

  The Escape Zone

  Once the horror of the situation sinks in there will be a mad clamour to get out of infected areas. Airports, train stations, and ports will all be flooded with people wanting to get away as quickly as possible. And there will be extremely impractical people amongst them too. Those who see fit to take with them all their worldly goods including their clothes, television, washing machine and Ikea flat-pack house. During a zombie apocalypse so many people crammed into one place is once again setting the scene for a mass infection. The real stupidity of the situation is that the transport system in the UK is never very reliable at the best of times, so why would anyone assume it would be running at perfect capacity when there’s a crisis on
?

  MAIN ROADS

  These are also classed as panic zones as those travelling by car will also clog up the primary exit routes from a city. Although not as dangerous as crowded areas, the long lines of cars filled with the living will be like a trail of breadcrumbs leading the undead to more victims – but ultimately clearing urban areas of larger hordes.

  The Supply Zone

  We need cheese! This may be the cry of the masses as they hear of a possible crisis. And not just cheese, but any form of dairy products, food, weapons, stationery, fuel and all manner of useless stuff. There is nothing the general public like more than panic-buying when a ‘situation’ occurs. Every year over the Christmas period shops are bled dry of every possible form of foodstuff because they are closed for a few days over the New Year period. So imagine the shopathon that will occur if the undead rise. It will be like Supermarket Sweep with bludgeoning weapons instead of Dale Winton (or Dale Winton being used as a bludgeoning weapon!). And although these panic zones will be filled with aggressive folks all trying to purchase what they believe is necessary that aggression will make them blind to their own safety – these areas will be easy pickings for a zombie intent on doing his own taste-testing.

 

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