Preparation for Battle
This is when you should be playing any music that can be described as ‘high octane’. The average bpm (beats per minute) should be anywhere between 120–140. Rock music is better than dance music at this stage as the guitar solos and middle eights with their power chords, key changes, and tempo can instil a sense of anticipation and power.
During Battle
You need something with a bit more kick, unrelenting pumping, non-stop action. This is where dance music will come into play. Don’t go for the watered-down chart fodder, though. You need a bouncing, happy hardcore baseline to get you through an unrelenting battle with the zombie masses. Alternatively, if you are doing battle with a large stick or broom handle as your weapon of choice then add ‘Me Ole Bamboo’ from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to your soundtrack.
After the Battle
You’ve won, and a sense of relief and exhaustion washes over you. As you make your way back to safety, remember that this is only one battle you have won. There’s a long way to go yet before the war is over, so don’t go for anything too cheery and upbeat. Maybe, ‘We’ve Made it Through the Rain’ by Barry Manilow or ‘We’ve Only Just Begun’ by the Carpenters. Allow yourself to relax.
Fortifying Your Safe House or Any Other Task of Importance
There’s nothing like a good Eighties montage sequence to get you through these sometimes dull but extremely important tasks. Get the theme from Footloose playing in your head and that job will be over before it’s begun.
Saying Goodbye to a Dying Friend
You can go for the obvious choices at this stage like ‘Candle in the Wind’ by Elton John or ‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Celine Dion; or how about that old karaoke favourite ‘I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston? But, let’s be honest, they’re all a bit cheesy and also slightly depressing. Maybe you should go with something a little more ironic whilst your best friend lies dying in your arms. How about ‘I Used to Love Her’ by Guns and Roses or ‘We’re All Gonna Die Someday’ by Kasey Chambers? That’ll lighten the mood slightly.
*I made this percentage up purely to add weight to my argument because I couldn’t be bothered to actually look up the official results of the trials. I’m sure it should be somewhere around that figure though and please feel free, if anyone should find the real results, to immediately email me so that we can update our future editions with the correct information. The address is [email protected].
SPEED
OK, gang! It’s hot potato time. Now, I know for a fact that the real zombie enthusiast and survivalist will have skipped through the rest of the book to get to this entry first. They will probably be reading this in the shop to ensure that I know what I’m talking about prior to purchasing the book. That is how important this particular topic is in the world of zombie survivalism. If you didn’t skip to this bit of the book first and are now feeling devalued as a reader then just put the book down and pick it up and skip straight to this bit and then we’ll just pretend that’s what you did when you first got the Zombie Dictionary home. No one will know any different. It will just be our little secret. You’ll know next time though, won’t you? Speed is the big debate in apocalypse town so here goes: let’s talk about the speed of zombies.
Do zombies move fast or slowly? It is an interesting question and if I am to answer it correctly then we need to base this on scientific fact rather than what is ‘artistically preferable’ for the genre of zombies in the media.
The truth of the matter is that zombies would mostly be slow moving. The degradation of their muscles, bones and body overall would severely limit their movement and it would be highly likely that given time, and depending on the speed of that degradation, a zombie will actually become slower and slower, eventually coming to a halt and collapsing. That’s not to say it wouldn’t attempt to keep moving by dragging itself along the floor but even then, that would be a slow process.
This means that ‘newer’ zombies will have the edge on their more rotted counterparts and this is where I’m going to be a bit excitable and off the wall. Depending on the time it takes for a corpse to reanimate and the health of the person prior to death, it is likely that there will be a limited period of time when a zombie will be capable of moving at the maximum speed it did when it was a living person.
Allow me to explain before you set this book alight and then attempt to seek me out to do the same. If we are to follow a scientific approach to zombie survival, rather than completely relying on the mythology and films surrounding the myth, we need to look at what happens to a corpse in real life – or real death.
Once a person dies, lividity will begin from between twenty minutes to three hours from the time of death. This is where the blood, which is no longer being pumped through the body, will sink to the lowest point in the body and pool there. Rigor mortis will also set in at around three hours after death. Both these factors will aid in slowing the zombie down. With blood pooled in its legs and stiff limbs they will not be able to move very fast at all. But neither of these things occur until three hours after death. If a corpse were to reanimate prior to this three-hour deadline, there is the possibility that at the onset of their reanimation zombies will still retain their normal speed until rigor mortis, lividity and rotting begins.
Remember, though, that zombies will only retain the maximum speed that they had when alive, so a young, healthy zombie would be able to move much faster than an old, feeble zombie.
ove very fght="0em" width="1em">Speed is an important debate in the world of zombie survivalists and some of those more avid fans of the subject have become so convinced of their own belief that they are unwilling to entertain the possibility of another point of view. That is not the way of the true survivor. Let me reiterate. The apocalypse has not happened yet. There has never been an account of a corpse rising. We do not know with any certainty what will happen and what form mankind’s nemesis will take. We must be prepared for anything – even if that goes against our very beliefs – and scientifically there is the possibility that some zombies may not be slow. Bear that fact in mind – or you could end up dead. Very quickly.
SPIDERMAN ZOMBIES
The undead cannot climb up walls or walk across ceilings on their hands and knees. Neither will they be vegetarians. Silly Jeffrey Reddick (although kudos for Final Destination).
STICK
The ultimate fighting weapon. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise!
It can be found almost anywhere, comes in varying weights, sizes and colours to suit any survivor and can be adapted to be a multi-purpose bludgeoning and stabbing weapon merely by whittling the end to a point. If you don’t have the means to do this you can snap it at an angle and the break should form a point (this then becomes more than just a stick, this then becomes the BPS – big pointy stick. You will be truly blessed to own one of these).
The stick is one of the safest weapons a survivor can own with minimal danger of causing damage to yourself whilst using it. Apart from a few splinters and unless you accidentally fall on the point or hit yourself in the face with it, you are highly unlikely to sustain any injuries from the use of a stick in battle. More people are killed worldwide each year by accidents with their own guns than accidents with their own sticks.
Depending on the length of the stick it can also be used to aid walking or to carry goods (you could sling it over your shoulder like Dick Whittington or across both shoulders like a coy but alluring milkmaid).
You can break windows with it, force open doors and cupboards. You can even cut notches on it to count how many days have gone by/zombies you’ve killed/yellow cars you’ve seen. You can use it as a measuring pole, or to check how deep water is, or to prod things to see if they’re dead. You can knock things off tall shelves with a stick as well as use it as a back scratcher when you get an itch in a particularly hard place to reach. You can catch fish with it and play lawn darts. You can draw maps in the sand and also use it to pole-vau
lt over walls and fences. There are many other uses for the humble stick, and if you can name me any other weapon that is as versatile then I shall eat my stick. (Eating sticks is not one of the many uses of a stick as our bodies cannot digest the cellulose. I was merely being pedantic as I know for a fact that you will find no other weapon that is as versatile as a stick. Not even a Swiss army knife. You just try using the very small screwdriver to kill a zombie – or the nail clippers.)
STUPIDITY
Don’t, for god’s sake, let stupidity be your downfall during the apocalypse. The zombies to upposed to be the stupid ones, not you. Here are the simple rules of thumb regarding the use of intelligence during a zombie apocalypse:
If you hear a noise then don’t stand and shout a tentative ‘Hello’ and then proceed to go and investigate said noise whilst continuing to repeat the word ‘hello’.
If a cat or other small animal leaps out making you jump then you can assume that anywhere between 10 seconds to a minute later a zombie will leap out and attack you.
Should you go out on a scavenging mission and on returning to your safe house it seems deserted, do not walk slowly into the safe house calling out for your teammates – especially if the place has been ransacked and the lights aren’t working. Leave immediately.
If you then discover one of your teammates silhouetted in a doorway or in front of a bright light and they do not respond the first time you call their name, then shoot them in the head or run. They have been transformed! Don’t get any closer and especially don’t take the time to say their name sadly and shake your head in sorrow.
On entering a dark and scary room alone, do not put your weapon and/or method of communication down on a table and then walk over to the other side of the room as far away as possible from it.
If you get into a car or any vehicle to escape from an attacking zombie and the car doesn’t start immediately then get out and find another means of escape. Don’t just sit there repeatedly turning the key and listening to the engine splutter.
When given the choice of either escaping into the relative safety of a house or trying to lose a zombie in a dark forbidding-looking forest, choose to hide in the house.
If somebody says to you ‘You don’t want to go in there…’ then please, dear god, trust them. You really don’t want to go in there.
When being chased, do not stumble around gasping and panting and squealing every time you trip over a tree branch. Just climb up a goddamn tree! Zombies can’t climb! From that point you can come up with a more comprehensive plan that doesn’t involve gasping, panting, squealing and rolling down leaf-covered embankments straight to the feet of your attacker.
If you hear any form of music that involves tense violin chords or a rumbling slow tempo playing when you enter a room, building, street – then you can guarantee that something bad is liable to happen. Also, if fog rolls into the street for no apparent reason this also means that something bad is about to happen. Likewise, if your torch batteries suddenly fail, it’s a sign that something bad is going to happen. If you spot any of these signs then back away from the location you are in and go someplace safer that has nicer music and no fog.
SYMPTOMS
Although there has been no recorded outbreak of the zombie virus yet we can make some simple assumptions as to what some of the symptoms may be that will indicate that a person is going to reanimate as a zombie. Bear in mind that the depiction of the zombie virus in films, books, television and other media is based purely on speculation and that there is equal possibility that none, all or only some of the symptoms that the characters portray may occur when a person has been infected by a zombie virus.
The zombie virus may take many different forms. It may take days, hours or minutes from the time a person has become infected to the time that a person reanimates, so the length, speed and duration of any symptoms that an infected person exhibits may vary and cannot be guaranteed either by scientific fact or conjecture.
Thus far, hhe list that we have managed to compile of the symptoms of a person infected by the zombie virus prior to reanimation:
Death.
Actually… that’s it…
We can guarantee beyond a doubt that a person will, in fact, show acute signs of death prior to being reanimated as a zombie. Unfortunately, currently this is not a good symptomatic indicator to the fact that a person may reanimate purely due to the fact that most human beings (and in fact all living organisms) will suffer this symptom to some degree of seriousness at some point in their life. With this in mind, should you come across a person who is suffering from death then please do not automatically assume that they will reanimate as a zombie. Death is only one of the symptoms that is associated with the zombie virus. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to pinpoint the others yet. But as soon as we do, you’ll be the first to know.
TEETH
The second-best alternative to saving yourself from being infected with the zombie virus (the first being the destruction of the brain, for those who haven’t been paying attention) is to take out the blighter’s teeth. If a zombie has no teeth then you can’t get bitten.
The handy thing about teeth is that they are situated quite near to the brain, so if you do miss the brain you could possibly take out the teeth instead (or the nose – but that’s not very handy as the zombie virus is not passed on through touching a zombie’s nose). Either way, repeated blows to anywhere around the facial area should do something that will aid in neutralising the zombie threat so stick with the original plan of going for the head.
NOTE: The virus will not be passed through the teeth. It will be passed from the saliva in the mouth. Removing the teeth will merely cause an open wound through which the virus may pass into your bloodstream. If a toothless zombie was to bring its mouth into contact with an open wound on your body you would still be infected.
THE BEGINNING
The reason that this is listed under T is because the beginning of the apocalypse will never just be known as a beginning. It will always be the beginning. With the obligatory capital T.
When the apocalypse gets underway, it’s important to understand that it won’t be a slow-burning affair that will idly work its way across the world as government bodies and authorities fail in their task to keep their countries safe and secure. When it hits, it will hit hard and it will hit fast. You could go to bed one night with the world at peace and in relative harmony and wake up the next morning with buildings burning, bloodied bodies piled high, the streets in chaos, the wail of the injured, gunfire and sirens piercing the air, and nuns running naked through the streets.
Likewise, you could step from the calm and peaceful streets of your town into a restaurant to grab something to eat and by the time you had finished your steak and ale pie with curly fries and had left the building, the main road could be in uproar with overturned cars, the undead chewing on the living, blood-smeared shop windos, store alarms piercing the air and nuns running around naked.
Equally as likely is that you could leave your desk in your open-plan office to go for a quick wee. After you’ve finished relieving yourself you may return to your desk only to find severed limbs strewn across the carpet, furniture upended against doors, your workmates either dying, dead or reanimated, the sprinkler system and fire alarms going off and nuns running around naked.
What you need to learn from these examples is that when the apocalypse does begin you will have little or no time to gather your thoughts. You must be ready to react immediately to the situation and be capable of putting all the survival techniques you have learnt into immediate action. There will be no time to react to the horror you are witnessing. No time to take in the scenes of degradation. Of complete chaos. Of death and destruction. And certainly no time to take in the naked nuns.
THINGS YOU MAY NOT HAVE CONSIDERED
There are those of you out there who will be completely ready for a zombie apocalypse and are just reading this book to cross-check your own plans or to
shake your head in nerdy disgust and disagree with me (remember the apocalypse hasn’t happened yet, so where’s your proof that I might be wrong? Ha ha!)
Then there will be those of you who are using this as the first step to discovering a life of survival after the undead rise.
In both cases, though, there may be things that you haven’t considered – and even if you have considered them there will be people out there who haven’t so let’s just stop being so smug and self-righteous for the moment whilst I deal with the others.
General y speaking, your main role in the apocalypse is going to be fighting, scavenging and surviving, but there will always be something in your well-thought-out plans that you hadn’t considered. Of course, I couldn’t possibly comment on what that might be because I am not privy to your personal survival preparations, but think for a moment what you might have missed out of your contingency plans.
I carried out that very same thought process the other day and do you know what I realised? Do you? That we would run out of cheese. Might not seem earth-shattering or of great importance but cheese is going to be scarce during the apocalypse and I like cheese. Nothing fancy, just your bog-standard mild Cheddar. But all the same, I like it and there’s not going to be a lot of it around when the undead rise. So, by considering this eventuality now, I can ensure that I have prepared myself for that disappointment come the apocalypse, meaning I will be of a stronger disposition with or without cheese to calm my nerves.
Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 17