UNIVERSE
You may consider the idea of blasting off into space when the zombies attack the earth; of entering the final frontier; putting together a motley crew of adventurers to travel across the universe to seek out new life and boldly go where no one has gone before, but you will run out of food and water and air and you will all die and then possibly reanimate and then there will be zombies in space. I hope you’re happy.
URBAN AREAS
If you get the chance, then get out! Urban areas, although filled with abandoned shops full of supplies and empty buildings where you can locate your safe house, are the least attractive places to be when the zombies rise.
Urban areas have a high population of people in them at any one time. Either, working/shopping during the day or working/ partying at night. This means that should the undead begin to rise in that area then there will be a large number of zombies who may or may not migrate once the initial outbreak has subsided.
Due to this high-density population, you may also get nuked (see Nuked). What are you still reading this bit for? The explanation is under Nuked, like I just said.
Disease is the final reason to move on out. The number of dead – reanimated or not – and the associated rotten stench, will make living in urban areas almost unbearable, especially in the summer months when the tightly packed buildings and pollution residue will increase the heat and smell to levels of disgust that no person has ever endured before. All this rotting human flesh will attract insects that will spread the diseases and you will become ill and ultimately die and then rise again and start rotting and add your own aroma to that disgusting stench that will lie over the urban areas after the apocalypse has begun.
Your best bet is to set up shop in the suburbs and organise snatch and grab raids during the winter months when the smell would have subsided slightly due to the cold and rain. Ensure that you carry out reconnaissance first (maybe with your highly trained sheep – see Animals, Training of). It’s important for you to be aware of where the undead have horded and which streets aren’t blocked by debris and abandoned cars.
You will also need to get as many supplies as possible to last you through the oncoming summer. Because the cycle will repeat itself year on year and the smell will just get worse.
VANS & LORRIES
When you think of a safe house, you imagine it to be a highly secure location that is on the top floor of some g with heavy fortifications surrounding it. And you’d be right to think that – those are all ideal criteria for the perfect safe house. However, have you given any thought to having your safe house in the back of a van or lorry?
Naturally, there is the issue of fuel to be taken into consideration when thinking about having a fully moveable sanctuary but should you be able to overcome that difficulty by accessing an alternative fuel source – such as alcohol, biomass, wood, gas, steam, compressed air, cooking oils, peddle power, hydrogen or liquid nitrogen, to name a few (there are a lot of alternative fuels about) – then a moveable sanctuary is just as good an option as a fully secure stationary one, as long as it is fortified correctly.
Size does matter when considering a moveable home. You cannot just hook up a caravan to a hatchback and hope for the best. Should you be attacked by zombies, a reasonable number of them will be able to tip your caravan over with no problem at all.
If we’re honest, enough zombies could topple any vehicle but we shall gloss over that fact as I like the idea of a moveable sanctuary – especially in the back of a juggernaut like in Knight Rider. And this brings us to the perfect vehicles to use for moveable safe houses: security vans or police vans. If you can get your hands on a police or army control centre van then even better (as they’ve got radios and televisions and chairs in too).
All these vehicles are heavy, which will make it more difficult for the undead to tip you over, and they also generally have armour-plating that will stop hundreds of grabbing hands and beating fists putting a dent in the side. This means that minimum customising will be necessary, apart from the fuel source. You may want to put a cattle grid on the front and you will also have to make the driver’s cab accessible from the rear area, if it’s not already, along with adding support and security to the windows of the cab to keep the driver safe.
The only issue with these vehicles is that you will have to ensure your team is kept to a minimum, as the only way you will be able to accept more members is if you create a convoy. But more vehicles would attract more attention and more zombies on your tail.
The alternative, should you wish to make more room, is to trade up your van for a big red AEC Regent ‘RT’ double-decker bus and then you could ride across country and across the Channel to Athens with Hank Marvin, Bruce Welch and Brian Bennett whilst being chased by a girl’s mother and agent as well as zombies too. You’ve seen it in the movies, so let’s see if it’s true.
VENTRILOQUISM
The art of throwing one’s voice. A very useful technique to have when you are being attacked and need to draw a zombie away from you. Please do ensure that you have practised this technique before using it in a real-life defensive situation. Mumbling ‘gottle of geer’ through clenched teeth will do nothing but make your final moments on this earth look slightly ridiculous.
Also note that you do not have to have a dummy to be a decent ventriloquist and walking around with your hand stuffed up a small wooden man’s bottom will do nothing to instil confidence in you from your team.
VOX POP
‘Well, to be honest, I think it’s disgusting that our council allowed this to happen. Ten years ago you’d have never seen this kind of thing happening in Chorlton. The house prices have just plummeted since the zombies have taken over and no one cleans up their own dog poo either.’
FZZZZZZT
‘It’s immigrants, that’s what it is! Immigrant workers! First they take our jobs, now they die and eat us! The world’s gone mad!’
FZZZZZZT
‘Yeaaaaaaah! Props to the Fleetwood massive!!! Yeeeeeahhhhh!’
FZZZZZZT
‘My mum says that we should think of all the people who are suffering and she said I should sing… Love lifts us up where we…’
FZZZZZZZT
‘My favourite cheese is cheddar. It’s the simplest of cheeses, but simple is sometimes best. Don’t even get me started on Wensleydale…’
FZZZZZZZT
‘…and then when I heard what Vera had told my Barry I just couldn’t believe my ears so I had to see it for myself. So I went outside and it was disgusting. Blood and arms all over the place. Tell them, Barry, tell them – he’ll tell you. All I can say is we won’t be going to that particular Chinese Restaurant again…’
FZZZZZZZT
‘Cock! Tee hee, tee hee…I said Cock!’
FZZZZZZT
‘I like long walks in the country and visiting new and interesting places and ultimately I’m looking for a woman who will share my passion for pre-war politics and grass… What? This isn’t a dating service… You want my opinion on the zombies? No. I don’t fancy one of those…unless they give out on a first date…’
FZZZZZZZT
And ultimately this is why the general public should not be allowed to speak or pass opinion once the apocalypse begins.
WASTE DISPOSAL
This is one of those things that generally goes under the radar when considering how to survive a zombie apocalypse. During the training and planning stages people focus solely on how they are going to keep on living and kill all the zombies simultaneously.
But within this never ending circle of survival there are also the menial tasks that need to be addressed and this is a task that could ultimately cause some problems.
In our everyday life, it has become somewhat routine to empty the bins on the assigned day and just wait for the bin men to come and pick up any waste that we have amassed over the week. During an apocalypse there will be no bin men.
So where will all the rubbish go? You can’t leav
e it lying around the safe house, as this will cause hygiene problems and disease amongst your team.
It is also not too clever an idea to just dump it out of a window to land in the streets below as the same rules of hygiene apply. Plus, over time, the waste product will start to smell, making your safe house unliveable.
An ever-increasing pile of rubbish outside your safe house can also cause two other possible problems: Firstly, other survivors may spot the ‘fresh’ rubbish and be alerted to your safe house; and they may not be the kind of survivors you want discovering your location.
Secondly, over time the pile of rubbish will get bigger and bigger and bigger meaning that eventually the undead may be able to scale the rubbish heap and access your safe house through the window you’ve been throwing it out of.
You also don’t really have the option of sending one of your team out to dump the rubbish at a safe distance away, as you don’t want to risk the life of one of your team purely with the job of putting the bins out. You can’t burn the rubbish either as this may attract the attention of the undead. So? What do you do?
Recycle! That’s the only thing you can possibly do. Yup. What our rather pointless councils have been using as a smokescreen to confuse us into ignoring the larger and more important issues over the years could be the only way to stop your safe house turning into a cesspool of disgust.
Some Useful Tips On Recycling:
Firstly, any paper or card can be used to insulate your walls and windows and can even be used as an extra layer of covers for when you are sleeping at night (if it’s good enough for drug-addicted homeless people then it’s good enough for you).
Tin cans and metal containers can be turned into weapons (have you ever cut your finger on a soup can lid? They are lethal!)
With regards to food waste, there shouldn’t be any of that, not if you are truly intent on surviving. You should be munching through every last item on your plate. Even the sprouts.
The only other item of waste to consider after that is human waste, and it may be prudent to consider that the flush facility may become inoperable during a zombie apocalypse meaning that you won’t be able to dispose of your waste as easily as you first anticipated. Not wishing to get into poo too deeply (ahem), there are two possible solutions to this problem.
You could go down the route of ‘humanure’ whereby you recycle your own waste product to be used at a later date to help grow new foodstuffs in your cellar. Do bear in mind, though, that it can take up to two years for human waste to break down into purely organic matter which can be used for composting. During that time you will have buckets of poo standing around covered in sawdust or straw (which apparently reduces the odour according to the Humanure Handbook (available to download online in multiple languages).
You could utilise your other waste products to construct a rudimentary slingshot (e.g. an empty baked beans tin within a large crisp bag). You can then catapult your waste product from the roof of your safe house to a reasonable distance away. As long as you are not spotted, any zombie that may be alerted by the noise the tin of poo makes when it lands will not have the mental capacity to work out where it came from, leaving your safe house uncompromised. And in a best-case scenario you may hit one of the undead blighters on the head.
Frankly, I would be more inclined to go with the second option regarding the disposal of human waste, but if you really do feel like doing your bit to save the planet by all means surround yourself with containers of human waste for months on end. The one consolation is that should other survivors discover where you are hidden, they certainly won’t want to invade your sanctuary – unless it’s Kim and Aggie. Then you’ll be in trouble.
WATER
‘Let us head for an island! An island will be safe from a zombie attack!’
‘But we’re on an island. Britain is an island and it’s not safe’
‘No! I mean a smaller island, like that island in the middle of that lake over there! The one that the park keeper always shouts at us for taking our peddle boats too near!’
‘Oh yes! What a good idea! Let me just go and get my speedos on so we can swim across – the park keeper will only shout if we get a peddle boat too near.’
OK, let’s see if we can spot what’s wrong with this conversation. Yes, OK, we’ll ignore the bit about the speedos. Speedos are most definitely wrong whether we’re in a zombie apocalypse or not. The issue here is the statement that an island will be safe. Will it? Will it indeed?
Zombies cannot swim. They are incapable of doing the backstroke, butterfly or even the doggie paddle and would be unable to keep themselves afloat, let alone stay in their own lane.
However, that does not mean that zombies aren’t able to come into contact with water. Remember, a zombie is dead so it doesn’t need to breathe. What’s to stop a zombie just walking through the water and onto your safe little island? That’s through the water and not on the water – zombies are not Jesus and as I think we’ve already explained, neither is Jesus a zombie.
Due to their state of death, zombies’ bodies are capable of withstanding a lot more than the average human being. As long as their brain is not adversely affected, they will be able to walk through anything to get to you, be it poison gas, a floor full of nails, a field of nettles or a vast amount of water.
So, armed with the knowledge that an expanse of water is not a safe barrier from the undead bear these facts in mind:
Zombies may become trapped under water due to rubbish or plant life that they get tangled in – making them an unseen enemy. If you are swimming across the water they may grab you from below, or if you are in a boat they may attempt to capsize it.
They go where the current takes them. If a zombie wanders into an area of high current, as long as its head isn’t smashed against the rocks it could be washed up on the shore anywhere ready to carry on marauding – maybe even the island that you believed was so safe.
Saltwater will aid in the destruction of a zombie. The heavier the salt levels the quicker the corpse will degrade – and as water will get to the brain via various orifices in the body, the brain will also be destroyed too. Fresh water will actually slow the decomposition down. Corpses that are left in water will actually rot slower than bodies left on land, so although the water will disfigure and bloat the zombie, it will ultimately extend its life longer than if it was on land.
Just like on land with insects, there are scavenger fish that will eat away at a corpse thus doing your dirty work and destroying the undead for you. Depending on how old the corpse of the zombie is and how far the flesh has rotted, sharks and piranhas could also be tempted to eat a zombie if it ventured into the sea.
If anyone were ever stupid enough to start a zombie zoo, the safest way to exhibit them would be in tanks of water, like in the Sea-Life Centre. The zombie will be unable to climb out of the tank due to the glass sides and the water would also slow down his movement even more than his natural shambling gait.
You could also consider the option to use water as a weapon, or at least as a means of defence, should you have an ample enough supply of it. Police and the authorities have been known to use hoses for crowd control in riot situations and there is no reason why a strong current of water blasted at the undead should not hold them back too. As they are rotting flesh, the force of the water may be strong enough to clean the meat from their bones making it more difficult for them to walk. You could even be lucky enough to wash out their skulls and clean away the brain.
The final point to make regarding water is that, as far as survival is concerned, you are really going to need a supply of it. For a period of time, you may be lucky if the main water supply stays active. Do not count on this fact, though. On hearing of an apocalypse you should start stockpiling water. Fill up all available containers. Even fill up the bath. Then ensure that you ration it for as long as you remain in that particular area. And the first person you find in the bath surrounded with bubbles and playing submarine with t
he shampoo bottle, stick a spoon in their ear. Really, really hard.
WEAPONS
Throughout this dictionary you have been taught one simple fact about weaponry and that is that anything can be used as a weapon. With that in mind I am not going to list all items that could be used, as that would just involve a very long list and you may as well just buy a real dictionary and look through all the nouns because every single one of them can be used as a weapon in some form or another.
Instead, I’m going to go through the subgroups of weapons to give you a better idea of how each of these nouns can be operated for maximum devastation and effectiveness.
Long range
Long-range weapons are those that cause damage without you having to be near your victim. These fall into two simple categories: targeted and non-targeted.
Long-range weapons such as guns, crossbows and missile launchers tend to have some form of crosshair or targeting system on them meaning that they are liable to be more effective in hitting your intended zombie.
The disadvantage of these weapons is that they are generally two-part weapons – in other words, they require ammunition to operate. The non-targeted long-range weapon is one that can be propelled towards a zombie but does not have a targeting system, so in order to be effective it requires skill or luck. Such weapons include spears, rocks, clocks, pens, chairs, books – in fact, anything that you are strong enough to pick up and throw. These items can also be used in conjunction with a catapult, either the kind Minnie the Minx used in the Beano or the one the French used to throw the cow in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (thus showing the effectiveness of anything being used as a weapon).
Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 19