Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary

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Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary Page 21

by Dr Dale Seslick


  YOGA

  Staying supple during a zombie apocalypse is imperative. You never know when you will have to crawl down a U-bend, shimmy through a crack in the wall and worm your way under an overturned milk float to escape the undead hordes, and yoga is one of the best ways to ensure that your body remains the temple it’s supposed to be.

  Of course, there is no gain without pain, and likewise there is no pain without gain (however, there is rain in Spain which falls mainly on the plain) and if you want to be capable of putting your own foot behind your head whilst your hand rotates your spine, then you are going to have to spend time practising.

  Although throughout the majority of this book we have advocated a regime of self-training, when it comes to yoga, it would be vastly more sensible to receive one--one professional training, so that you don’t end up stuck with your head inserted in your back passage with no way of removing it, as you may need to escape down your back passage should a zombie attack begin… What? No, that’s not what I meant – some people just have minds like gutters.

  YODA

  Bad zombies are. Them to kill brain the destroy them to win must you. Master am I of all knowledge Jedi. Though, speak properly I not, though even I am most clever and trust in I do you. Also sound I like Fozzy Bear. Still trust in me do you?

  YO–YO

  I hit you in the head! I hit you in the head again! Ha Ha! Hit you in the head again! And again! Now I’m walking the dog. And I hit you in the head again! Cat’s cradle. And there’s the head again!

  YWCA

  Young Women’s Christian Association.

  Nobody wrote a song about them. This is obviously quite a sore issue as they never mention it in public. Ever.

  ZOMBIE WALKS

  For those of you who aren’t initiated into the world of the zombie fan life. A zombie walk is where a large group of people gather together and walk the streets of a city on a predestined route dressed as zombies. Although you may assume that these events would carry the same perils as Halloween, in many ways you would be wrong.

  First off, the majority of people who take part in a zombie walk are zombie enthusiasts which means they know all about zombies and how to kill them and how to spot them and what to do should the apocalypse begin. So, they have no need to worry for their own safety either from zombies or from the authorities shooting at them believing they are the undead. And as soon as news of the apocalypse reaches their ears, they will go into hiding just like this book advises.

  Secondly, zombie walks only entail a few thousand people whereas on Halloween the whole city will be dressed up. This means that the advent of the apocalypse will be easy to spot and those affected for real will also be easy targets. A zombie walk takes a predetermined route so anyone straying from this will be prime targets for brain destruction.

  Finally, there is no way that anyone would mistake a zombie walk for a real zombie outbreak as 90% of the zombies in a zombie walk will have mobile phones, cameras, video cameras or other such recording devices to hand, ready to capture their jolly day out and upload to YouTube and Facebook as they go along. And as we all know, zombies don’t have Facebook profiles and if they did their status would say ‘Luv my m8s. U know who u r. Anyone up for a rampage:):)’

  ZOMBIE AID

  Currently one of the industry leaders in organising zombie walks is a company called Zombie-Aid and although the name may make you assume that the organisation has been set up to supply aid to zombies, it hasn’t. Much like Band-aid wasn’t set up to give to bands (even though Bob Geldof didn’t do too badly out of it). The walks are set up to raise money for cancer and children’s charities and if you’re going to emulate a member of the flesh-munching, rotting, living dead you might as well do it for a good cause other than just for a trip to your local ASDA.

  ZOO

  Throughout this dictionary I have made various references to different species of animals and how they may be useful to you or not during a zombie apocalypse. Well, here we shall talk about where these cuddly little creatures reside: a zoo.

  As a refuge during the apocalypse, a zoo has various pros and cons. There are a lot of animals there that could be trained to carry out your bidding and keep you safe. And there are a lot of animals there who will make a noise and draw the zombies to your location looking for fresh meat.

  You can hide in one of the many terrained areas where each animal lives in its ‘natural’ manmade habitat. Monkey houses will be ideal places to hide as they have access to trees and high places (although the monkeys do tend to throw poo at you which can be quite disconcerting), and the caging or glass around these areas is usually quite high so that the monkeys can’t get out (and thus the dead can’t get in).

  Apart from that particular enclosure, though, these days each animal is usually housed in a sunken area so that the public can look down upon them (and thus feel superior) or surrounded by water, thus making it quite easy for the dead to get to you either by dropping in or wading across. The majority of food in the zoo will also be geared towards feeding the animals and the only supplies you will be able to get your hands on are those that are sold in the over-priced cafeteria or ice-cream carts dotted around the place. (Of course, you could always have roast lion, but you’d have to catch him first and do you really want the bother? Maybe start with something easy like a penguin).

  To be honest, zoos aren’t very good places to hide at all, what with the lack of food and the chance you might be mauled and eaten – by wild animals as well as zombies.

  There are also really tacky-looking baseball hats and T-shirts sold in the gift shops, along with the pencil toppers where you stick the writing implement up the badger’s bum so it sits there whilst you write (and there aren’t even any badgers in this zoo!). I frankly wouldn’t even bother. Just nip in, grab a giraffe (see Giraffe) and be on your way.

  Animals also live in safari parks. There is no way I would recommend you entering a safari park during a zombie apocalypse. The animals roam free and you would be much more liable to be eaten or mauled. You would also get the windscreen wipers pulled off your car, and baboons may defecate on your bonnet. All that and dealing with zombies too – it just isn’t worth suffering the stress for.

  DR DALE’S FINAL

  WORDS OF WISDOM

  As I reach the 70,000-word quota that I am contractually obligated to write, I realise that today we have merely scratched the surface of the information that you will need to know when planning on surviving the coming apocalypse.

  There are so many things that have been left unsaid. How could you utilise a bag of multicoloured rubber bands to aid in your survival? Can you use a tea urn full of pears to treat psittacosis? If a zombie fell down in the woods and no one was there to hear it, would it make a casserole? What role would a battologist play in your team? What role would a battologist play in your team? And would it be possible to move the entire human race to Mars?

  Some of these things we will never know. Some of these things we will, and some of these things we really don’t want to know the answer to. The important thing is not to dwell on what you haven’t learnt but think about what you have and adapt that knowledge to expand your survival skills s to suit any situation that may occur during an apocalypse. Without the capability to use your own common sense and come up with new and interesting ways to get through the dark days of the undead, I can assure you that you won’t survive. You will get bitten and you will reanimate and then rise again and then get killed again by a much better survivor than you who was able to adapt, use their common sense and came up with new and interesting ways to survive. And I didn’t spend three days on a beach in Malibu courtesy of my publishers writing this dictionary just for you to fail.

  The twenty basic points listed overleaf are all you really need to remember if you plan on surviving a zombie apocalypse, which begs the question: why did you bother buying this book in the first place? Why not just nip into your local bookshop and steal this last page? It’s
a good question and I shall answer it for you. You bought this book because you have a quest for knowledge. A yearning to learn all there is to know about surviving the days of pain that await the human race. You bought this book because you know that the apocalypse is coming and that I am your only hope of survival.

  Stay safe. Stay alive. Stay unreanimated.

  You could also have purchased this book for the £10 voucher on the next page that can be redeemed at any outlet of Big John’s Weapon Mart, but it’s highly likely that someone will have just nipped into their local bookshop and stolen the last page. Bastards. They’ll get theirs when the zombies rise.

  DR DALE’S 20-POINT SURVIVAL PLAN

  Zombies are dead.

  Go for the brain.

  Hide immediately on hearing of the apocalypse.

  Get high… Actually I’ll rephrase that. Get to a high place.

  Don’t get bitten.

  If you do get bitten, kill yourself by destroying your own brain.

  Be wary of other survivors.

  There is no cure.

  Anything can be used as a weapon (either defensive or offensive).

  Choose a weapon that best suits your fighting style.

  Zombies don’t have supernatural abilities.

  There is no cure.

  It doesn’t matter how the apocalypse began. It did. Deal with it.

  Zombies can survive under water.

  Steer clear of panic zones before, during and after an apocalypse.

  There is no cure.

  Many a muckle makes a muck.

  Fail to plan. Plan to fail.

  Zombies have no memory of their human life.

  The cure can be found at Birkin Labs on the outskirts of Raccoon City. Ha! Just testing you… No, wait! Come back! That was just a test. There is no cure! Have you learnt nothing? Come baaaack! Oh Jeez, you’re all going to die!

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Amongst the many people who should be thanked are those folks who spent their time writing interesting stuff on the world wide web on the vast amounts of topics I needed to research in order to write this book – your knowledge meant I didn’t have to leave the house once.

  The lovely Lara at Allison & Busby who said yes to six pages of a website and now knows more about zombie survival than she ever wanted to.

  David Ash and Jess Napthine who really had no idea what they were getting themselves into when they agreed to this.

  The entire High Council at After Dark Entertainments most of whom keep me sane, but not necessarily grounded.

  Jack Haysom – zombie slayer of the future.

  My Mum, Dad and sister for immeasurable support and love.

  And Lee Cooper – my own reason for wanting to survive.

  DR DALE is the founder of the School of Survival, a society of experts who live for one purpose only: to train the masses to survive the rising of the undead and other (currently) fictitious and mythological creatures. Based on his sell-out Edinburgh festival show and nationwide tour, Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary is a must-read if you plan on surviving a zombie apocalypse.

  www.howtosurviveazombieapocalypse.co.uk

  Copyright

  Allison & Busby Limited

  13 Charlotte Mews

  London W1T 4EJ

  www.allisonandbusby.com

  Copyright © 2010 by BEN MUIR

  First published in paperback by Allison & Busby Ltd in 2010.

  This ebook edition first published in 2010.

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

  stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by

  any means without the prior written permission of the publisher,

  nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover

  other than that in which it is published and without a similar

  condition being imposed on the subsequent buyer.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from

  the British Library.

  ISBN 978–0–7490–0922–9

  Disclaimer: While clearly a work of humour, this book is also a work of fiction,

  and its author and publisher assume no liability for readers

  who act upon the fictive instructions herein.

 

 

 


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