by JA Huss
“You deserve nice.”
“Do you know him?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you kill his little brother?”
“Yeah.”
“Was it an order?”
“It was.” And then he hugs me harder. “But it’s no excuse.”
“I killed people too, Nick. We didn’t have a choice. We had to back then.”
“I still have to now, Sasha.”
I let out a long sigh. “I know. But you’re not gonna kill Jax, right?”
“No. He’s not on my list.”
My back stiffens at the mention of a list.
“Don’t ask me if you’re on the list, Sash. Because if you do, my heart will break completely in half.”
I want to hug him so hard right now. I know the pain and desperation I feel inside myself, and when I’m close to him like this, I think I can feel his too. We are promised. No matter how it turned out, we are promised. Nick may not be my soulmate, but he’s part of my soul. “I know you’d never hurt me.”
“I hurt you so bad back then. I hurt you so bad I wanted to cry when I watched you disappear on that boat.”
I want to cry right now just picturing him fading into the foggy night. But once I start, I will never stop. I can’t let this be the night I fall to pieces. I’m not ready yet. “I went to the hotel room and waited for you. I waited until those two weeks you paid for were up and James made me leave.”
“I figured you would. That’s just the kind of girl you are. Loyal to the end.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes after that.
“So,” he says after the quiet goes on too long. “What did you think of your aunt?”
“You know I went to see her?”
“Did you like her?” he asks, ignoring my question.
“Not really. The whole place seems weird. Too… I dunno how to explain it.”
“Too Company?”
“Yeah,” I say. “That’s how it looked. Secret shit and big houses and some guy named Julian attacked me.”
“He’s her… James, I guess.”
“A killer?”
“Yeah. Did you kick his ass?”
I laugh. “What do you think?”
“I heard you did.”
“From who?” His knowledge is bugging me. “How do you know all this?”
“I have rats too.”
My back straightens again. Rats. That’s the word Jax used to describe what his father does in the FBI. He runs the rats.
“Julian, the priest,” Nick says with an air of contempt. “They run a school, Sasha. Or they did until I got here and put a stop to it. A school for girls. Julian was in charge of it.”
“Who would send their children to a school with that creep running it?”
“Who do you think?”
I close my eyes. “No. No. Please.” I let out a laugh that is so far from laughter, it strikes fear into my heart. “No. They aren’t allowed to do that shit, Nick.” I look him in the eyes as the pieces start to fit together. “You—”
“Don’t get paranoid on me, Sasha. It’s my job to know what they’re doing. I’m still the Admiral’s son, after all. Did she tell you some story about the Zeros?”
My chest hurts. I might be having a heart attack.
“Sasha,” he says, turning his body so he can face me full on. His scarred face is hard for me to look at, but I force myself. He deserves to be seen. He earned it. I owe him. “That program they had to raise Zeros, it’s all true. You were one of the first, but there were more. Michael, the foster kid Jax loved so much. He was one of them too. Your father—”
“No.”
“Yes, Sasha. Your father was in on it with your aunt. They started that program but they never had a boy who didn’t go crazy. And all they had to do was look at James to see what the future of that program would bring. He was, I guess, the pilot kid. The one they tried everything out on first. Including his capture and imprisonment in Honduras back when he was sixteen. But the girls were different. They were trainable, but they didn’t snap like the boys. They’ve been breeding them for more than twenty years now.”
Breeding them? That’s how they think of us? Offspring? What the fuck is wrong with people? How do you do that to your kid? “She said you were one too, ya know.”
“I was Number Eleven, Sash. You know that. You were always a Zero. Harper, she was a Zero, but my father set her up to fail on purpose. And I helped him. There was no way we were giving Harper up to that sick program.”
“But your father, the Admiral, he was a bad guy.”
He looks at me sideways, one eye peeking out from his hoodie. “We’re all bad guys, remember?”
“We can’t all be bad, Nick. Someone has to be good. The whole world isn’t bad. I mean, I get it, there’s shades of gray and all that good shit. But seriously, I need to believe in something right now. I have no idea what’s happening. And then you show up and spill this shit on me. I can’t take it anymore, Nick. I swear to God, I want to scream, that’s how confusing this is.”
“Whatever Madeline told you, she lied. She’s gonna use you, Sasha. To train more Zeros. She’s gonna use you to bring the Company back to life, only this time she’ll be in charge. Matias is the de facto leader at this moment because I made that deal with him back in Santa Barbara. It was planned that way, Sasha. I’ve been plotting this moment for more than a decade. But he’s meeting with Madeline tonight at that estate. They are forging a new relationship—”
“Matias is Company?” Jax was right. How many other things was he right about?
“Why do you think he let me live?” Nick grabs my hand and squeezes hard. “Think, Sasha. Why me? Why did he want me?”
“You’re a killer? He needed you?”
“Why did he need me?”
I know where he’s going with this line of questioning, but I can’t bring myself to say it. Because if I do, then I have to admit that my life was planned for me as well. That I am just a pawn in a game. I am offspring.
“I’m the Admiral’s son. I’m the next in line. I’m the only thing left of the Company leadership.”
“You’re not still Company. You left. We all left. That was the whole fucking point of killing all those people ten years ago. We set the kids free—”
“I am the Company heir, Sasha.” He says it hard. In a way that leaves me no doubt that everything Jax said about him was true. “And the kids aren’t free. Just ask Sydney if the kids are free. Ask her about the kids she found two years ago. It’s bullshit what we did. The Company never died, it just went underground and regrouped with me as their promise for a new future. I did a lot of shit down in Central America, Sasha. With kids, the new Zeros—”
“Those kids on your back, that tattoo…”
“I make Zeros down in Honduras. That’s my job. I’ve been doing it for years. But in order to keep them from succeeding, I have to fuck it all up. I set them up to fail.” He grabs me by the shoulders and squeezes so hard I wince. His eyes dart back and forth, looking into each of mine like he’s desperate for me to see what’s happening. But I’m not sure I want to know these things. “I kill them,” he says in a flat voice. “I save them by killing them. I am responsible for the death of every single one. I kill. That’s my only purpose. And I’m not sorry about any of it. Every death was a sacrifice that needed to be made.”
I feel vomit coming up in my throat.
“And the only reason I came back tonight was to tell you the truth about me.”
“Why?” I’m so angry. “Why do I need to know? Why now? Why not just leave me alone? You’re the one who told me to move on, love someone else, live a normal life. So I did. I did my best, Nick. And now you’re back, fucking it all up! If you hadn’t started looking for me, I’d still be in school. Jax would’ve never found me. I’d be safe and living my stupid life as a PhD wannabe.”
“I only came back to make sure you understood. I can’t do this anymore, and I need you to und
erstand.”
“Understand what?” I want to scream so bad.
He cups my face in both of his hands and forces me to look him in the eyes. “That you’re the only one I can trust. So when the time comes, all I’m asking is that you do your job.”
And then he stands up and walks down the stairs.
“Hey!” I yell after him. “Where do you think you’re going? You don’t get to show up here and fill my head with all this shit and just leave!”
But he keeps walking and then gets into some stupid little car parked on the other side of the street. I run after him, but his door is closed and the engine is already running before I get there. I pound on the window, but he puts the car in gear and drives off.
“Motherfucker!” I yell. Dogs start barking down the street and then a porch light goes on. I back away, all the way to the sidewalk in front of my house. Afraid that the neighbors will come out and ask me what’s wrong.
And I can’t even begin to explain.
I can’t.
Because this is history repeating. Nick came, he wrecked me, and he walked out.
Again.
Chapter Thirty - Sasha
My phone is ringing when I walk back inside. I pick it up, read the number that says Unknown Caller, and tab accept on the home screen. “Yeah.”
“Sasha,” Jax says, sounding a little breathless on the other end of the phone.
“Jax,” I breathe. And then I cannot say anything else. My throat closes up with my desire to cry. I want to cry my heart out.
“Sasha? Are you OK? I’ve been calling for like ten minutes. I called the safe house landline, but you didn’t pick up. And Madrid said you never went home.”
I gasp in some air.
“Sasha? Sasha? Where are you?”
“Ford’s house,” I choke out.
“Are you OK?”
I shake my head no as I sniff away the building tears. But I say, “Yes,” because that’s all I know how to do. I only know how to be OK because if the day ever comes when I’m not OK, I will die. I know it. I will drop dead on the spot from loss, and pain, and fear. And there won’t be some promise of salvation on the other side either. It can’t be that simple. It. Can’t. Be. That simple.
Because if we get salvation after we’re dead, then what’s the purpose of living?
“Sasha, stay where you are. I’m forty-five minutes away.”
If we can’t find salvation in life, then why should we be rewarded in death?
“Do you hear me?”
“I’m dying, Jax.”
“What? Sasha?”
“We’re all dying. Me, Nick, James, Harper. There’s no saving us. Ever. Because those people will never let us go. And it’s not fair. OK? I never asked to be born. It’s not fucking fair!”
“Are you inside?”
“Yes,” I sniffle out. And then I realize there’s a tear streaming down my cheek. “Oh, God,” I sob, drawing in a hitched breath. “I’m dead.”
And then I end the call, throw the phone down on the couch as I run past, and take the stairs two at a time as I race to the bathroom. I turn the shower on and step inside fully dressed. I wash away those tears under the cold water as I hug my body.
Make them go away, I say to myself over and over. Make them go away.
My teeth start chattering and before I know it, my whole body is shaking. I slump to the bottom of the shower and pull my knees up to my chest.
It’s over.
I can feel it. Everything that’s happened in the past two days feels like the trumpets of Revelation for Sasha Cherlin. My life is over and I failed. Because no matter how hard I try, no matter how fast I run, how many times I change my name, or how many degrees I get to make myself legitimate… I still belong to them.
I am property.
Chapter Thirty-One - Jax
Ford Aston’s front door is unlocked, and knowing that Sasha learned everything he knows about security, this concerns me.
“Sasha?” I call out as I enter. “Sasha?” I have a very bad feeling as I move through the front room and into the kitchen. She sounded very distressed on the phone. “Sasha?” I ask again, making my way towards the back of the house. I stop at the bottom of the stairs and listen as I identify the sound of water coming from upstairs. I take the stairs quietly, not sure what to expect.
The bathroom door is open, and for a moment I come to terms with the worst-case scenario.
She killed herself.
No, my rational mind says. Sasha is not a girl who gives up. She’s a fighter. If she wanted to kill herself, she’d throw herself in front of a bullet to save someone else. She would not slit her wrists in a bathroom.
But that fear takes over again as I approach the shower. She’s fully dressed in clothes I recognize as my own, slumped on the tiled floor.
“Sasha,” I whisper.
Her head raises, just enough for her thundercloud eyes to peer up at me through her wet and stringy hair.
“Sasha,” I say, opening the glass door and reaching for her. The water is freezing cold, and when I touch her arm, it’s ice.
She tilts her head all the way up to me and whispers, “I already died, Jax. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying and it scares me.”
I pull her up out of the puddle of water on the floor. She doesn’t resist, but she doesn’t help much either. “Come here,” I say, lifting her off her feet and cradling her in my arms. “Let’s get you out of these clothes.”
She buries her head in my chest and the sobs start. Long, hitching breaths of sadness.
“It’s OK, killer. You can cry if you want.” I need to know what happened, but she needs me to take care of her first. So I carry her into the hallway and she points to a room.
I take her in there and stand her up in the center of a black rug that covers most of the dark hardwood floor. It’s her childhood room, I realize, and just the fact that I have an opportunity to get a little glimpse of this part of her life makes things just a little better. “Lift your arms,” I say as I tug her wet shirt off. I have her lift each leg so I can take off her shoes, and then I tug the wet sweatpants over her hips.
She stands there in the black boxer briefs I gave her last night, shivering uncontrollably. “He left me, Jax.” Her teeth chatter to the rhythm of her shaking body. “He left me.”
“Shhh,” I say. “We’re not talking about anyone else but us right now.” I reach behind my head and take off my shirt, throwing it on the floor. And then I kick my shoes off and drop my pants.
I stand there in my black boxer briefs and we stare at each other. Not at our bodies. We look each other in the eyes.
And then I hold out my arms. “Come here,” I whisper. “Come here and I’ll warm you up.” She takes a step forward and crumples into my arms, sobbing hysterically. “It’s OK, Sasha. It’s OK. You’re always safe with me, remember?”
She nods into my chest.
“But you’re cold. So let’s get you a hot shower this time, warm up, and rest for a little bit. The world can wait until we’re done.” I lead her back into the bathroom and then turn the water on hot, checking the temperature until it’s warm enough to motion for her to get in.
She takes off her underwear, and steps under the spray of water. I watch as she goes through the motions and when she’s done I turn the water off and hold up a towel for her.
We go back into her bedroom and she shuffles through some drawers until she comes up with night clothes and then I lead her over to the modern low-profile bed and pull back the black down-filled comforter. She climbs in without me asking and then I lie down next to her, pulling her into my arms. “Just relax.” I stroke her wet hair, then her cheek. “Just relax. You’re not dead and you’re not dying. I’m here now, and there’s no way I’m gonna let you drown yourself in tears.”
She nestles her face into my neck and lets off a long gasping sigh. But her crying slows, and after several minutes, her breathing evens out.
I just hold her as she drifts off, thinking about what she said on the phone. She’s right. It’s not fair. Nothing about her life has been fair. She was born into the very definition of unfair. Lost her whole family as a child. Lost the one man she thought was gonna be with her forever. And then she lost herself to the new family that took her in.
There is no doubt in my mind that Ford was the answer to all her problems back then. But when you have to pretend to be someone else for ten years, there’s no way that doesn’t have consequences.
“I have never needed saving.”
“You’re silly, Sasha Aston. You have always needed saving. And I’m here now. So it’s OK to admit it.”
She starts crying again. Harder than before.
“Shhh.” I pet her hair. “Please don’t,” I whisper. “Please don’t cry because I want to help you.”
“I can’t take it anymore, Jax.” She shakes her head against my chest. “I can’t do it anymore. I just want it to be over so fucking bad. For ten years I’ve tried to convince myself that we won. But we didn’t. We didn’t do anything but change the game.”
“That’s not so bad, you know. It’s better than giving up and doing nothing.”
“It feels like nothing. Every moment of struggle feels worthless right now. I just want to curl up and give in.”
God, she is so sad. I can’t stand it. “Give in to me, then,” I say. “It’s the only answer I have right now. Just let me take care of you and I promise, I can help you. I will be your friend. Like those other friends you have, Sasha. I will die for you too. Just trust me. Give me that and I’ll do everything in my power to make it end.”
She pulls away from me, her chest and head back, trying to see my face. She sniffles, and then she reaches up and touches my face with her fingertips. “I’m falling for you, Agent Jax. I’m falling for you and your promise. And that scares me. Because every time I find something good in this world—Nick, or James and Harper, or even Merc—they take them away.”
“No, they’re still here.”
But she shakes her head. “James and Harper have been running for ten years. They can’t even come visit us here because of Kate. My little sister Kate is half Company kid, Jax. And James was afraid if he came around to watch his niece grow up, they’d find out about her and kill her.”