I wonder if he’s seen the hateful video and witnessed my humiliation. Ugh, I’m so angry with myself. Why had I been so naïve and let Mr. Avery take advantage of me, and my stepdad? What the hell is wrong with me? Do I not have a little piece inside of me that would just STOP falling for the wrong people?
I lay there in the dark all alone and eventually fall into a fitful slumber.
I don’t know how I’m going to drag myself out of this, but I’ll have to find a way.
“Sshhh, it’s ok, don’t cry.” I feel his lips by my ear, murmuring softly his breath tickling the skin on my neck and causing goose bumps to appear.
“Don’t listen to him, I’ve got you.” Another set of lips at my other ear, whispering sweet nothings.
Tears are coursing down my face. I’m hiccupping loudly. I don’t understand what’s happening…. I’m confused and frightened, my body trembling in fear. I close my eyes and squeeze them shut as hard as I can. When I open them, in front of me is Candy Abernathy and she’s wagging her fingers in my face.
“You should have paid attention to the signs. I know that you KNEW Mr. Avery was doing me too. You know he liked me better.” She’s cackling and her teeth seem really large for her face, which is contorted, her mouth stretched in an evil sneer.
“You’re nothing but a dirty slut, fucking two brothers and now you’ve got none.”
I bolt upright in bed, my nightie and the bed sheets are soaked, and my face is wet with my tears. I’m fairly certain my nightmare has become my reality and I’ve lost Sawyer.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Sawyer
I decide I’m going to head into Pair-A-Dice and see if Cherry is working. She isn’t responding to any of my texts or phone calls and I don’t know what to do to get her attention. I need to see if she is ok.
I pull up to the parking lot and see that it’s a full house tonight. My chest swells a little when I see Cherry’s bike here. I park my bike and lock up my items in the saddlebags, holding my helmet under my left arm. When I get to the door I slide my shades up so they sit on top of my head and nod at the bouncer at the door. He’s standing with arms crossed over his massive chest an impassive look on his face as he nods back at me. I walk in and I’m thankful for the dark interior. I don’t want her to see me, I just want to see that she is ok. I’m trying hard to respect that she may need some time, and that’s why she isn’t answering my repeated attempts of getting her attention.
I sit in the back in the shadows and order a beer, tapping the fingers of my left hand on the table in front of me, my nerves getting the better of me. I pick at the nuts that are in a bowl in front of me as I watch the other patrons lazily eyeing the woman dancing on the stage. She’s got nothing on Cherry. Mind you, she’s beautiful, but to me, she doesn’t stand out. Cherry is lit from within, her kindness shining through. I don’t have long to wait before an announcer indicates Cherry is on next.
The music starts out fast and loud. Cherry isn’t wearing any elaborate costume nor is she wielding any props, today it’s all her. As soon as the spotlight hits her, my chest feels as if it’s breaking in two, a searing pain is felt right in the center, and it goes deep. I see how shattered she is, how broken and I bite my bottom lip, hoping to God that I didn’t contribute to this deep hurt that she is carrying around. I watch her in awe. Fuck, she’s magnificent. She’s leaving her feelings, her heart, on the floor for every person to see. I look around and notice that not one man is talking or eating, they are all in awe of my girl, dancing her heart out. Her routine comes to an end and the room is dead silent, the only sound is her harsh breathing. Oh baby, her face is wet with tears and I want to go up there and tuck her into me, but maybe she doesn’t want me anymore.
One by one the men step up to the stage and drop money down until the very last man has put his money down and they all clap, giving her a standing ovation. I see her shock and watch as her face crumples with emotion, more tears streaming down her face. I feel something wet drip on my hands and look down in confusion, noting that I’m crying. I reach up and wipe my face, not wanting the men to notice that I’m losing my shit in the middle of a strip joint. I am truly on my way to losing my man card. I don’t know what any of this means, but it’s obvious to me that Cherry is hurting at the deepest level. I rub my hand across my chest, the tightness there not abating at all. I sigh loudly and decide to call it a night. I stand and fish for my wallet, dropping cash on the table for the beer and a healthy tip.
I walk to the door feeling as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I need to get it through to her that I’m here for her. I want her to know she can come to me with anything. Someway or another I have to get her to believe me.
Chapter Thirty
Cherry
The sun is high and bright in the sky. It’s a beautiful day, but not for me. I’m still in a deep funk and can’t put a happy spring to my step. I tried to sleep in, but to no avail. My mind just doesn’t want to stop. It keeps replaying things over and over. I drag myself up and into the shower and hurry through it. I decide I’m just going to let my hair air dry while I’m having coffee on my back deck. I’m desperate for that first sip. I pull on a pair of shorts and a tank and head out back with my mug. I breathe deeply and close my eyes, trying to relax the tension that’s in my shoulders in neck. I let out the breath I’m holding and open my eyes. I just need to be in the here and now. We just have to deal with what we’re dealt, Princess. Daddy was right, and I’ll figure it out. I always do. I take a deep sip of my coffee, and just enjoy the view.
I really don’t want to look at my messages, not ready to face the shame. I need to prepare myself for what I’ll hear or see, but I don’t know if I have it in me. Maybe I’ll do it later. I’ll head into work early and put in a shift. I’ll beg Roger for a few extra dances today, and I know he’ll give in. I don’t need the money, but I need to shut off my mind and I can do that when I’m dancing. The music takes a hold of me and moves me. Not just physically, but emotionally as well.
Roger doesn’t even ask what’s up. He takes one look at my face and gives me a terse nod. No words are needed, thank goodness. He knows I’m hurting, and that’s enough for him. Besides, I wouldn’t even know where to start.
Fawn is in our dressing room when I get there. My face must give something away because she smiles sympathetically and brushes her hand down my arm.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks softly, still rubbing my arms.
I shake my head no, but thank her. I’m really trying not to cry, so I’m biting my tongue. She looks doubtful, so I need to tell her something.
“Maybe later,” I say quietly. “Let me get some dances in, it helps to relax me and then we can talk.”
She smiles at me and nods, heading back to her station.
I drag my body onstage and wait for my cue. I choose a White Snake song as my intro, a little throwback to the 80’s. I dance and gyrate, moving my body with the music while I shake my ass and cup my breasts. I tune out all other sounds, and hear only the music. For all I know, I’m in the room alone, dancing my heart out. I rip my costume in two, exposing my breasts. My body is shaking in anger and frustration so I let it all out. I dance angry. Vicious. I’m overwhelmed with emotion, but need to get my anger out, and I do that on the stage. A fine sheen of perspiration coats my skin. My breathing is ragged. I don’t realize it, but I’m crying, tears coursing down my face. I take one hand and run it up the side of my face, and grip my hair while the other hand slides down my body and cups my pussy. I’m shredded and I’m leaving it all out on the dance floor. Suddenly, the lights go off, and the music is gone. I open my eyes and the entire room is silent, you could hear a pin drop. The only sound evident is my harsh, ragged breathing.
And then one by one, the men stand up and throw wads of cash on the ground at my feet as I stand there, exposed and crying. Vulnerable. When the last man has thrown his cash onto the stage, they all stand up and give me my first s
tanding ovation, ever. I’m so moved. The tears keep streaming down my face, and still the clapping continues until Roger steps in and thanks everyone before ushering me off the stage.
“Fuck woman, you’re going to be the death of me,” he says shaking his head. “That was the most passionate and raw piece I’ve ever seen you do. It was amazing, and it obviously came from the heart. Cherry, it’s obvious you’re hurting. Talk to me. I’m here for you,” he finishes softly.
“Thanks Roger, but no thanks.” I don’t need or want a man’s opinion on this.
Roger leaves, shaking his head and muttering under his breath. I’m glad he didn’t argue with me, I don’t think I would have handled it well. I sit in front of my mirror and just stare at myself. I don’t know what I expect to see or if I’m waiting on some answer, but I get nothing. I sigh and gently remove my eye makeup. I’ll start fresh and be ready for my next performance.
Fawn sits down beside me, and starts running a brush through her chestnut hair all while watching me. “Who is he? She asks me.
“How do you know it’s a guy?” I ask
“Isn’t it always”? She says with an impish smile on her face.
I just nod and smile, but the smile doesn’t reach my eyes. She doesn’t say anything, and waits on me patiently while brushing her hair. I take a deep breath and start in on my entire, dreadful life story. Several times she gasps and covers her mouth with her hand either in shock or disgust, I don’t know, and I don’t want to ask. Several times she reaches out and clasps my hands in hers and just squeezes, giving me comfort, the only way another woman knows how to do. When I get to the end, even she has tears pouring down her face as she shakes her head back and forth as if in denial. We both blow our noses, loud blasts of noise filling the air. For some reason it causes us to giggle and we sit there laughing hysterically until we are both crying again. I don’t know Fawn’s story, but I’m not ready to hear more heartbreak today. We’ll have to do a ladies night, and drown our sorrows in wine and sappy movies. Make it an adult sleepover. It sure would be nice to have a girlfriend.
I head back to the stage and pour my heart and soul onto that dance floor. I’ve never raked in as much money as I did tonight and it sort of surprises me. When it’s just me, without any elaborate costumes or routines, that’s when I get the most cash. The most response. Huh?
Maybe I should just be me. I can be accepted for me, right?
***
I can’t put it off any longer. I’ve danced and cried for days, but it’s time to bite the bullet and look at my messages. I have to deal with whatever is coming my way. No more running.
I pull out my phone with a shaking hand and turn it on. It beeps and buzzes for several minutes while it receives all of my messages and calls. I shake my head and think that it can’t be good. I’m about to open and read the first message when there is a knock at my door. I take a quick peek of myself in the mirror and declare it good before I open the door.
Standing in my doorway is Sawyer, looking as sexy and sensual as ever. I close my eyes and inhale deeply, smelling him, my chin and bottom lip quivering. I close my eyes trying to hold it together. I breathe out and open my eyes. I’m not imagining him, he’s still standing right in front of me.
“Hi,” he says while linking his fingers with mine.
“Hi,” I whisper back, my voice cracking with emotion.
I invite him in and we go to sit in the living room. I’m trembling with a bit of fear, dreading the upcoming conversation, and his reaction to everything. I can see the wheels turning in Sawyer’s head, as he watches me closely.
“What happened to you the other night,” he asks quietly. “Why did you run?”
I need to know what he knows before I continue. “What did Candy tell you,” I ask.
I see the confusion in his face.
“What the hell does she have to do with anything? Did she say something to you?” His questions come one after the other, giving me no room to respond. “She wasn’t there for me, I swear,” he replies vehemently. He grabs my hands in his, “Please, talk to me,” he begs. “What did I do or say wrong? You haven’t answered any of my calls or texts. I came to your work, I saw you dance on the stage,” he says, his voice brimming with emotion. “I saw that your heart was ripping right out of your chest. You poured your entire soul out onto the floor that night and the men gave you a standing ovation. Tell me, please. I’m begging you. I want to fix this. No. I need to fix this,” he insists. “I’d been watching you for months and was so excited when you finally said yes to me, you made all my dreams come true. Then we started seeing each other and I thought we were growing closer. I thought you might be falling for me,” he says nervously. “Like I’m falling for you. Like I have fallen for you. Baby, I don’t know what went wrong, but please let me fix it. I don’t want to scare you away, but I can’t not tell you this,” he says, his voice adamant. “Cherry, I’ve fallen in love with you, deeply and irrevocably. My heart is forever yours and I will never love another. Not the way I love you.” At those words, he grabs me and pulls me in tight to his chest. I feel him trembling with emotion as I pull back and look at him. He grips my fingers in his hand, “I’m not letting you go baby. Please. Talk to me”.
I’m crying, having heard him out. He is so emotional, and the message heartfelt. I don’t doubt that he is sincere about this, about how he feels. It makes my stomach tight, my heart pinches in my chest, and my hands are clammy. I’m fixated on one thing he said.
“You were there that night? You saw me dance, and get a standing ovation,” I ask quietly. Why would he come see me dance if he knew? Why would he still love me? Oh my God. He just told me he is in love with me and I can’t even process that without knowing if he knows about my past first. I guess it’s time to tell him everything.
He nods at me, but stays quiet, his gaze solemn, just watching me and waiting.
I look at him, and take a deep breath. “I’m about to tell you something. Something that will forever change the way you look at me, and feel about me. You might actually even be sorry for admitting your feelings like you did. So before I tell you, I want you to know that you taught me to believe, and to trust again. You taught me to live. It’s all because of you. You’re a good man, Sawyer. A kind man, and I love you. I believe that you are my soul-mate, and there will never be another for me,” I finish, my eyes on the ground.
He grips my hands in his and says “Then we can fix whatever this is. Okay?”
I won’t agree with him. He needs to hear all of this, but I’m afraid. Honestly, I don’t have anything to lose at this point. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve already lost everything. I take a deep breath and start in on my story.
I am pulled out of my thoughts about my horrible stepfather with Sawyer squeezing my hands. He tightens his grip while staring into my eyes. “No little girl should ever have to go through something like that. This doesn’t change how I feel about you, don’t you dare think that. If you need to go to counseling, I’ll go with you, I’ll help you however I can,” he tells me. You can see that feels terrible for me and wants to do whatever he can to show me he’s sincere.
“Thank you Sawyer, but I’m not finished yet." I know I’m crying, my face is wet with the tears that are falling. My hands are shaking as I decide I need to tell him the rest.
I continue, replaying my time with Mr. Avery, internally cringing at the next part I have to tell.
I’m not looking at Sawyer at this point, I’m so ashamed, and I really don’t want to see his face. He has such a beautiful, and expressive face. If I see horror, or even pity, I might just be sick. I take a deep breath and carry on.
I’m sucked back into my nightmare remembering how stupid I felt and all the dreams that were destroyed on that horrible day. I thought he could help me, I thought he would love me and be there for me, only to find out how naïve I had been for trusting him.
Sawyer interrupts and grabs me tightly, he’s speaking, but I cannot
focus on what he is saying. I finally get my bearings and am able to hear him again. “Cherry, you were still a child, and he took advantage of you. You shouldn’t beat yourself up and you need to give yourself more credit….”
I swiftly cut him off. “Sawyer, I’m still not done,” I say sadly and I can see the strain on his face, as he tries to listen to every detail.
At this point in the story where the boy from the football team restrains me, I start gagging, and crying. I feel hot tears on my face, and my nose is running heavily. Sawyer tightens his grip on me again. “I won’t go anywhere, nothing that you tell me will change anything, I’m here Cherry… I’m here for you,” he says. I just shake my head in disbelief. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. He doesn’t know that it’s his own brother I had a sexual relationship with. His own brother, who raped me, and Candy, whoever she is to him, she filmed it all. My chest is heaving as I continue the story.
Sawyer breaks in with “Oh no Baby,” but I can’t stop now.
I tell him about how I was restrained by the two men and then raped as it was filmed. I knew my life was going to be over when that tape went public, but I couldn’t bring myself think of anything but the pain these men were causing me. It was a searing, crippling pain that wouldn’t quit, not only physically, but emotionally as well. I finally come to the end of my nightmare and explain how I met Roger and ended up with my job as my mind returns to the present.
“And here we are today, but there is more. I just found this out, and honestly didn’t know. I think I’m just confusing you more, so I’m going to spit it out. Okay?”
I don’t even wait for the nod of his head.
“When I was at your place the other day, I answered the door and there was a woman there. Who is she to you,” I ask.
Accepting Cherry Page 21