Taking his meal, he kissed her and they sat down.
"Tell me about your day. Did you find the library okay?" he asked and she nodded enthusiastically.
"Oh my gosh - the library was amazing!" she started and he was instantly transported into her day as she told him all that she had done, always talking with such passion and energy.
Chapter 25
The rest of the week passed similarly - David went to work each day and came home with stress in him and looked forward each afternoon to seeing Tanya's beautiful face. His work wasn't usually like this, but this week he felt stressed and like he just did not want to work anymore. On Thursday he met Kendra for lunch, at her request for an update of gossip. He had known her for 20 years and never had she used the word 'gossip' with him in that time, leaving him curious as to what the lunch was really about.
"So," she started when they sat down together, waiting for their meals.
"So, what?" he asked, laughing with her. She had been there right at the start of his relationship with Laney and had supported and watched him go through everything he had over the past 20 years, as he had watched her also. There was no-one else he trusted so completely.
"How is it going? With Tanya?" she asked and he smiled at her.
"Everything is fine. Why?"
"I was just curious. I thought I might take her out one weekday. Would you be okay with that?" she asked and he was suddenly nervous.
"Of course, but why…"
"Girls sometimes need time with girls - she might be missing female company," she said simply and he realised he hadn't really given any thought to what Tanya had left behind in coming here. Kendra was right - apart from him, Tanya didn't see anyone, and that wasn't really any way to live. She had only been in the US for almost two weeks, though, but he wanted her to want to stay much longer - perhaps forever.
"Do you love her?" Kendra asked, straight out, and startled David with the question. "Yes, you heard me right - do you love her?"
Suddenly a vision of Laney came into his head and he felt an overwhelming sense of betrayal. He shook his head.
"I can't…" he started, and Kendra took his hand.
"You can. You know that Laney would never have wanted you to not move on and truly be happy with someone else. She told you that, David."
He changed the subject and they didn't talk about the subject again that day. When David got home he told Tanya of his lunch with Kendra, and that Kendra wanted to take her out the following day. Tanya was surprised but appreciative, and the next day, when Kendra came to get her, Tanya embraced the opportunity to spend the day with her, and in the process learned even more about David.
After shopping and eating, the new friends both went back to the apartment for coffee.
Kendra stopped and looked at Laney's photo on the wall, and became noticeably sad all of a sudden.
"She was a good friend, and David loved her so much," she said idly.
Tanya watched and listened, not sure how to respond, or even if she should respond.
Kendra stopped and looked at Tanya, suddenly remembering she was there.
"But he is with you now and we are all happy about that Tanya. It is good to see my friend so happy," she said and then paused, looking back at the photo again. "How do you feel, seeing this each day? I loved Laney but I don't know how I would feel if I had to look at a photo of Tony's ex every day."
"They were together for a long time, and he still loves her. I don't mind it at all - I guess it is a reminder to me to have hope…"
"Hope for what?" Kendra asked, curious, and Tanya looked right at her.
"That maybe one day someone will love me."
Kendra was speechless as she looked at Tanya. She really has no idea, she thought to herself. This woman before me has absolutely no idea how he feels about her. She actually sounds like she expects he will move on. And if she thinks and expects that, will she stay in the US or not? No, Kendra thought to herself, she can't be allowed to have doubts about this, and decided to start making sure David was aware of what she had just come to realise.
"I had better get going, but Tanya I have really enjoyed getting to know you today," Kendra said, giving Tanya a hug.
"Thank you for making the time, Kendra," Tanya responded and walked her out.
* * * *
"David, you need to tell her how you feel," Kendra said to him when her and Tony came to the apartment on Sunday for a meal. Tanya and Tony were in the living area, talking amongst themselves about New Zealand, and Kendra had seized the moment to corner David.
When David turned to her, she saw he was fighting tears in his eyes.
"Kendra, I can't … I'm not ready to," he said to her, pleading her to stop trying to force him to say things that he didn't feel were right to say. It was still too soon after Laney's death and no matter how much he knew he had come to love Tanya, saying it out loud felt like a giant betrayal to his wife.
Kendra watched him, saddened for him to be as conflicted as he obviously felt he was. He had been through enough, she knew, and so backed off, deciding to not mention anything more about it. But not before getting her last word in.
"We all loved Laney - no-one more than you - but you need to start letting her go…"
"No I don't," he snapped back at her, unlike his usual easy going self.
For the rest of the evening David was on edge and Kendra was regretful for having talked to him as she had. Tanya watched the dynamic and knew something must have happened that she did not know about, but she equally knew that it wasn't her place to ask about it.
When Kendra and Tony went to leave, Kendra gave her a hug and a sad smile, adding to Tanya's confusion. After the door was closed, she turned back to David, who walked over to the windows and looked out. So many times he had struck this pose - looking out windows - and had loved her approaching and hugging him from behind, but something about his demeanour tonight told her he didn't want her close by. To avoid any difficult situation she turned and went into the kitchen, to start cleaning up. He didn't come and talk to her, and she left him to his thoughts.
David could hear Tanya cleaning up and doing dishes but couldn't bring himself to approach her. He knew that Kendra's observations were only hers - Tanya hadn't done anything to create this uneasy situation - and yet all of a sudden he couldn't bear the thought of speaking to anyone, even her. He just desperately needed to be alone - he needed to think about his wife.
He left the living area and went into his office, the only room that Tanya had not spent any time in and wouldn't interrupt him. In there he had a sofa set up that he sunk into, after grabbing a photo album off the bookshelf in there. He looked through it, seeing photo after photo of him and Laney and their life together. As he did so, the tears finally broke. It had been weeks since he had let himself really think about her, and now his emotions overflowed at a great rate and depth. He sat in there for over an hour, finding that he wanted to just seize his memories and hold them close, and not give them up. In the back of his mind he knew that doing this was unfair to Tanya - she was the one person who had told him he shouldn't give up his memories of his wife, after all, so why did he suddenly feel like he didn't want to be near her?
He sat long enough for his feelings to do a full circle. He relived memories, he clung to them, he held them close and refused to let anyone take them away from him … and then he kissed the photo of Laney on his desk and put it into his drawer, along with the photo album. It was time. He needed to stop fighting it and accept it. Laney was his past, and he wanted Tanya to be his future. And while he wouldn't forget Laney, it wasn't fair to Tanya for him to keep denying her his feelings.
Tanya sat on the sofa, watching out over the city, wondering what had happened and what she should do. She ran her thoughts over the night and couldn't pinpoint what she had done - it really was a mystery to her. And now he had gone and shut himself away, obviously wanting to be alone, which she respected and had no desire to interrupt
. Perhaps it was just 'that time' - the time where things started to just go downhill in her relationships and then end completely. They had had a great time together, so if she was going to be flying home, that was fine - there was nothing she could regret.
He had been in there for hours, she thought to herself, and she didn't know even if she could go and jump into bed - what if he didn't want her in there? So, watching the lights of the city, she lay down on the sofa and let herself drop off to sleep.
David got himself together and came out to the living room. At first, on not seeing her, he thought she might have left or gone to bed, and then, not seeing her in the bedroom, he started to panic. Walking through the kitchen, he looked at the photo of Laney for a few minutes before carefully unhooking it from the wall, taking it into his office and storing it away in the back of a cabinet.
When he came back out to the living room, he walked around to the sofa and finally saw Tanya, spread out along the length of it, fast asleep. He didn't disturb her, but instead sat down on the floor between the sofa and the window, with his back against the glass, and just looked at her. She was beautiful - he had known that from the first moment he saw her in the hotel restaurant on the morning of the bus trip - even before he had had opportunity to approach her. But everything about her was wonderful, not just what she looked like. She had welcomed him into her home and her friends; she fitted in well with his friends; she was fun and witty and made him laugh; and she did not in any way expect him to stop thinking about Laney - for that he was incredibly grateful. He didn't want to lose her - the thought of that did upset him.
He didn't want to talk to her tonight - she was obviously exhausted - but he didn't want to leave her out here alone either. He moved closer to her and kissed her on the mouth and saw her start to wake.
"Come to bed," he said, helping her up, walking her to the bedroom, undressing most of her attire, and tucking her in, before jumping in himself and letting himself sleep.
Chapter 26
When Tanya woke up the next morning she was disorientated - she was sure she had gone to sleep on the sofa in the living room. She turned over and saw David beside her, awake and alert, looking at her.
"Hi," she said, not sure what was coming.
David had waited for her to wake - he had been awake for an hour or so - and was now nervous. He moved closer to her and kissed her longingly, feeling like he wanted to jump but he was finding it so hard to step off the edge. It didn't matter if he didn't do or say anything now - she didn't know about anything that had been going through his head so wouldn't miss the words that were trying so hard to get out, trying to get past his protective wall.
Tanya could feel his seriousness in his kissing and dreaded what was coming, but at the same time was ready to accept it. She knew how to accept rejection with grace - she had done it enough times before. He didn't say anything and the silence made her speak up.
"Do you want me to leave?" she asked, quietly.
He looked surprised.
"What?"
"Do you want me to go back to New Zealand?"
He was horrified at the thought.
"No! Why would you ask that?"
She didn't answer and he analysed the night before and thought she must have assumed that was what was on his mind - he didn't want her around anymore.
He moved even closer still.
"No, Tanya, no … I love you," he said, surprising even himself at this declaration. "I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay with me, here … forever." He was silent as she seemed to struggle with the words being presented to her. "Tanya, I want you to be my wife … will you marry me?"
Tanya heard that and was mixed in her emotion on hearing it.
"I thought I upset you … I thought you didn't want to be near me anymore … that I had done something to hurt you," she said.
"I know. I'm sorry - last night I was mixed up about my feelings. I have been fighting them, feeling like I have to remain loyal to Laney, but it isn't right. Being with you is right. I want you and I want to move on from my previous life with her…"
"You don't have to…"
"I know you think that, and I love you for not asking me or expecting me to turn my back on her, but it is time - it is the right time for me."
She was quiet, feeling confused and uncertain of anything. He kissed her again, helping her to mellow and melt into him.
"Please … will you marry me?" he asked again, starting to get nervous at the prospect of her turning him down.
"Yes … yes, David, of course I will marry you," Tanya replied, feeling surprised and stunned.
He smiled at her, such a brilliant smile, and she smiled back at him and kissed him. Conversation was forgotten as they let their passion take over, but when David reached for a condom, Tanya stopped him.
"No," she said, putting her hand on his arm to restrain him. "David, you told me you weren't against having children."
He looked surprised, like he had forgotten that conversation.
"I'm not. I don't know if I can even make babies, Tanya."
"Well I don't know if I can either … so can we let nature do its thing and decide for us? Would you be okay with me getting pregnant with your child?"
He was overcome with emotion. "Of course I would … yes, I would be happy for us to have a child together!"
And so they kissed and moved together, for the first time with no barrier between them.
Chapter 27
Over the next three months they established a good routine for themselves, and David became more and more irritable in his work. He just didn't enjoy it anymore, he had come to realise. One night he sat in his office, going over financials, and wondered why he was even working. He had done so well in this work that he had more than enough money saved to get him and Tanya through for a long time - they could keep living this life just on his savings and the interest those earned him. He thought about Tanya - since coming to the US she had not worked but she seemed to enjoy her life. She had filled it with things that cost little or no money, and was making friends through Kendra, and she didn't ever seem to yearn for more of anything. David had one large project on the go and it was expected to be finished at the end of the next month. In the meantime he could purposely not look for any more projects, and just see this one off, and be happy with living off the money made from that.
He walked out to the living room, where Tanya was sitting quietly, reading one of the many books she kept bringing home from the library. Another free occupation that she always looked so simplistically content doing, he thought to himself.
"Are you happy living like this, Tanya?" he asked, surprising her with the unexpectedness of the question.
"Yes," she replied and he laughed at her. A typical simplistic Tanya response - it was that easy. Why could he not learn to see things as she did? When he did not expand on his thinking she questioned him. "Why?"
He sat beside her.
"I don't feel like I am enjoying my work anymore and I am thinking of retiring," he said, wondering how she would react.
"Okay," she said, waiting again for him to expand.
"You haven't worked since you came here, and I know you loved the work you did before. Do you regret giving up work altogether?" he asked and finally she understood what he was asking her.
"Oh David, no - I am actually loving this time, being able to do what I want."
"But you can't really do what you want, can you - you aren't earning any money so you don't have any money to spend."
"I have enough to do what I want to do - most of the things I enjoy don't cost money," she said and he was quiet again. "What are you thinking, David?"
"I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. Do I need to keep working? I don't think we need the money," he said.
"Then stop working and start enjoying your time more," she said.
He looked at her. Many women would not be happy at the prospect of her husband-to-be giving up their
earning capacity so easily.
"David, we don't need anything - well I don't anyway - and I don't think the baby…"
His ears picked up.
"What?"
"What ... what?"
"You said something about a baby," he replied, impatient to hear what she was saying.
Tanya blushed, annoyed at herself for letting that slip out.
"I think - it isn't confirmed yet, David, as it is still early so please don't get excited - but I think I am pregnant."
"Oh Tanya!" he exclaimed and jumped up, so excited.
"David, it is too soon to know for sure…"
"That is okay - we won't tell anyone until you are at a safe time, but we can be a little excited, can't we?"
She smiled at him indulgently and nodded.
"But we aren't married yet - we need to get on and do that. What about next weekend?" David asked, so easily, as if it were no big event.
She laughed at him.
"David, people might want a bit more notice than that."
He looked at her, making himself more mindful.
"Sorry, yes - you have people in New Zealand who would want to come to your wedding, I am sure," he said, forcing her to think about that.
"Oh yes … hmm … oh but David, I wouldn't want Olivia to miss something like this, but she is so far away and it is a long way for her to come."
His mind turned over.
"Unless we don't get married here - what if we go and get married in New Zealand instead?"
"But then your friends will miss out."
He laughed loudly.
"My friends would love any excuse to go to your country, and they can afford it, believe me."
"Okay," she said, feeling excited at the prospect of going home, even if just for a short time.
He hugged and kissed her, looking full of excitement and energy.
"As soon as I finish this project, we will set a date and go. When would you be due, if you are pregnant? I don't think you can fly in the last three months…" he asked but didn't seem to require any reply from her. "The furthest along you could be would be three months?" he asked her and she did nod at that. "So we have to fly in the next couple of months."
Cruising Through to Fulfilment Page 22