“So they are aphysical. But they record physically. What do you suppose they are?”
“A very expressive hole in spacetime?” Mtepic shrugged. “Most star traders commit bodies to space at peak velocity. Most of us run at 98%c or higher. Once the body is outside the protection of the forward shield, the atoms and dust in interstellar space erode it, and it loses velocity, though not quickly. And of course it is far above galactic escape-velocity. Except for the very few that run into stars or black holes or comets, all the bodies committed to space must still be out there, some as much as thirty thousand light-years away if you allow for burials during the First Pulse when there was little or no trade.
“You could picture each corpse as a long pathway, sweeping atoms and ions and molecules and dust out of interstellar space, shaped very much like the dead person at this end in time and space, and as the interstellar medium punches them full of holes and breaks them down, trailing off into just a cloud of nucleons at a far end somewhere way outside the galaxy and some millions of years in the future. Perhaps something aphysical flows back along the path they make, and—‘crystallizes’? ‘condenses’? maybe just ‘organizes’ is the word for what it does, around any passing seed or nucleus or whatever you would call a thing a ghost organizes around. Maybe where a large number of pathways run close together, they entangle like spaghetti, and express as a ghost swarm when something that can appreciate their meaning comes along. That would explain the association with birthdays. Birthdays are meaningful even though they’re so drastically different in slowtime and eintime and depend completely on when you got on the ship, and where it goes, and how long an Old Earth year was at the moment they standardized it. So maybe ghosts annucleate around meaningful things like ships and birthdays. It makes a certain kind of sense. Meaning is aphysical, and ghosts are aphysical. Then again, what do physical beings like us know of aphysics?”
“But none of that would explain the baby coming out of your chest, or that the baby was you, or that we both remember it, let alone that I’ve got a patch of spiritual pee right over my heart.”
“Was I a baby? I wondered why I felt so strangely proportioned, and so small, and had no teeth. Well, that is certainly data to add to the puzzle.”
“Why should there be ghosts or spirits on a starship?”
“Why not here as much as anywhere? And for that matter, why should there be ships? Robot-only starships are just slightly less likely to reach their destinations, but it would be so easy to factor that into the price, and it would be more profitable to send containers one way and just accept some losses at the other end. As it is 9743 pays for an immense amount of space and mass to keep us alive. So why are we here? Why is there even an economy? We make everything on the ship by transmutation and molecular assembly—we never ‘pick up supplies’ though we sometimes buy new goods to record them for later manufacture—and we know the people in slowtime are centuries or millennia ahead of us—so why is there cargo for us to carry?”
“You think that has something to do with the ghosts,” Xhrina said, not a question, just trying to stay with him; clearly he had been thinking about this for a long time, had worked out the perfect presentation in his mind, wanted to have it produce perfect understanding—it was the way he had taught her mathematics. She knew he liked it when she understood at once, and she knew this might be her only chance to understand.
“I think it’s another void in spacetime. Once pretty much everyone human traded, going way back to Old Earth. For some reason it paid to trade between the stars. The ships began to move. Now they just move, bodies in motion remaining in motion, and the trading just happens. Maybe. Maybe we’re all just the ghosts of what humans used to do. Three-quarters of the star systems we traded in at one time or another now just wave us off, new ones come on line, and old ones reactivate after centuries of slowtime. Who can say what goes on out there?”
“Is it possible that the slowtime people on the planets are all just crazy, or perhaps playing at things because there’s nothing real left?”
“The slowtime people might ask the same things about us. We could just liquidate, and move into a nice orbital resort where they’d pamper us silly for the rest of our lives.”
“I would hate that.”
“So would I.” Mtepic smiled shyly. “Do you think it would be all right for me to have another pancake like that last one?”
“You’ve been losing weight,” she said, “and I worry about your appetite. You can have ten as far as I’m concerned. And actually, being very concerned, I wish you would.”
“Let’s start with one, but I’ll keep the offer in mind. And you’re right, I haven’t been taking very good care of myself, and for some reason, now I feel like I want to, at least for a while.”
She prepared it for him, not because he couldn’t do it himself, and not because she had to. She pointed that out as she served it to him, and he said, “You see? Part of what makes it good is all the things it’s not.”
She thought about that for a while and she said, “So the ghosts are not hallucinations. And they’re not physical as we understand it or the machines would be able to see them, rather than just record them. And you think maybe they’re where the bodies—well, the traces of the bodies—are not.”
“Except that Sudden Crow destroyed that theory,” he said. “She always was good at destroying theory. Part of why she was a good shipmate.”
“She hurt you,” Xhrina said, surprised at her own vehemence. “You said she was rough with you.”
“True. But I was not as fragile then as I’ve become, and besides she was a valuable member of the crew. And of course so are you, and getting more valuable all the time, and you are very good to me. You fill up a space different from the one she vacated.”
“I’d better,” she said. “I wouldn’t want to fill her place, at all.” And because she had said it a bit too vehemently, and the two of them were looking at each other awkwardly, she hurried on with the first question she could think of. “Why did you say Sudden Crow destroyed your theory about the traces of the bodies in spacetime?”
“Because she was buried in space about a year and a half out of Aydee-to-Ridny, outbound. Her pathway couldn’t have come anywhere near here.”
“But she was on this ship. Her path before she was dead included it. What if it doesn’t matter as long as you can describe the path, or the place where the path was? Suppose that, and maybe—“
“But it might be too hard if we suppose that,” Mtepic objected. “It doesn’t restrict things enough. Why don’t we see everyone’s ghost all the time?”
“ ‘Mathematics is how we find the logical implications of the boundaries of things, and the whole history of mathematics is the story of working with fewer and flimsier boundaries,’ “ she said. “You said that to me the very first time I sat down to learn algebra. Maybe we don’t see them often enough because there aren’t enough boundaries to produce them, or because we live inside so many boundaries, or… well, we don’t even know what the boundaries are, do we?”
“Hard to evaluate the boundary conditions,” Mtepic agreed. “But as far as I can see, it’s all holes and voids. There’s some odd thing in the slowtime world, some place we fill, though we don’t know what it is. Empty spots left in crews and on ships when people die, and the holes in space they make when we throw their bodies away, and the big emptiness of space itself, and every hole is outlined, and every outline means the hole—and, well, you must think I’m senile by now, surely.”
“I don’t,” she said. “Oh, I don’t. You know I don’t. Can I make you another pancake?”
* * * *
In Mtepic’s last few years, they talked more. She liked that. She had received the last promotion she could get while he was alive, to mathematician’s-mate-pending-mathematician. That forced her for the first time to think of the succession. She decided that however she acquired her apprentice (she rather hoped to buy one out of a slave world, she wou
ld feel good about freeing someone as she had been freed), she would consider looking for someone who would talk. Many ship people didn’t, for weeks or months at a time.
That was another guess of Mtepic’s, that ship society was where the surrounding slowtime societies were dumping their autistic people and those whose mathematical gifts were no longer needed because they had synminds. “Sort of a featherbedding asylum for mathematicians,” he would say, coughing and laughing as she bathed, dried, and rubbed him. She would always laugh too, just because it was Mtepic and she felt how close he was to crossing over to the other side, and she expected to miss him then, and wish she could hear his jokes again.
The night after her thirtieth birthday, she awoke knowing that there would be ghosts in the opsball, and felt Mtepic waking within the circle of her arms. Xhrina dressed them both quickly and gently towed him with her, as she had had to do for the past few months, since his limbs had grown too feeble and shaky to keep him stable as he swam in the air.
It was as before, with a new swarm of ghosts, and in the middle of it, the baby emerged from Mtepic; she held the baby for a long moment, and kissed the tiny mouth tenderly, and then watched it sail off, giggling and tumbling, into the stars, until it was just a star itself, and then gone. She towed Mtepic’s remainder back to their quarters; for reasons she did not understand, she didn’t want to tell her shipmates that he had died in the opsball.
They might have been surprised at how dry her eyes were, and how perfect her composure, when they buried Mtepic’s body in space on the next shift, but ship people are never very surprised at anything human, for they don’t understand it and lose the habit of being curious about it.
* * * *
Treo often floated with her in the dark opsball now. “It’s a big promotion,” he said, “and an honor, and you would make a good captain. I admit I’m delighted with the idea of being ship’s mathematician without having to wait for you to die.” That was the longest speech he had made, and Xhrina found it faintly ironic that he made it as they floated in the opsball, where normally they were most silent.
It was not a normal occasion; Phlox had chosen to die voluntarily after Arthur’s death, and would be doing it after she said her good-byes tonight, so they were replacing a captain and a first mate. The crew had chosen Xhrina as captain, with Officer-Apprentice Chang to be brevet-promoted to first mate, if they wanted the positions.
Xhrina thought Chang would be all right as a first mate; he was young and should ideally have had a few more years as an apprentice, but she reckoned that he would have them by the time she died, and would still be a young, vigorous, apt-to-be-successful captain. It was a good match all around.
They were far out in the Sixth Pulse systems now, newer worlds with more cargo to send and receive, out in the thinly populated fringes of the human sphere. So there could have been very few of those pathways of the dead that Mtepic imagined, but when they jettisoned Phlox’s body, Xhrina felt something; and the next day was her fiftieth birthday, and she felt it more strongly; so that night she was unsurprised to awaken and feel that it was time to see ghosts in the opsball. It had been a long time since she had seen ghosts, only twice since Mtepic’s death, and this was the first time since Treo had come aboard. She woke him, told him to dress and be quiet and to hurry.
The blue-to-red Dopplered stars became plain white stars, the swarm of ghosts arrived, and as Xhrina was just beginning to watch with wonder, and celebrate being here for such a thing again, Treo cried out in fear, having seen Phlox swim through the hull and take up her navigation station, and all of it vanished.
That settled Xhrina’s mind. She took the captain’s cabin, and shared it with Chang, from then on, letting him rub her back because he seemed to like to do it and it did feel good, and occasionally relieving him sexually, though he was much more attracted to the second physicist’s mate, Robert, who was unfortunately not interested in sex at all, or at least not any kind that Chang offered.
Xhrina didn’t exactly give up on any idea of love, but it was a long time before she trusted Chang as more than a mere colleague and convenient bed companion, so long that she got to know him too well, and settled for trust without love. It was an even longer time before she saw ghosts again.
* * * *
Of the old generation, only she, Peter, and Squire were left on her eighty-fifth birthday, and Squire spent all of his time sleeping in his life support tank now, though when roused he seemed coherent enough in a querulous sort of way. 9743, by vote of the crew (a vote Xhrina had very carefully nurtured into happening) had been renamed Ulysses, a name it had last had 290 years eintime before. Xhrina could not have said why she preferred that.
There was a Seventh Pulse underway, carrying the human frontier out past 150 light-years from the home system, and at great distances, now and then, they detected the sonic boom of near-lightspeed bodies of a kilometer or more across, pressing so fast through the interstellar medium that their bow shock was too much for the thin trace of plasma and shook it hard enough to make microwaves. “The new colony ships move much faster than the old,” Captain Xhrina observed, at the table with everyone. She had insisted on establishing a tradition of birthdays, real birthdays for everyone, even looking up some old traditions so that everyone wore funny hats, and they served fish, and sang a song called “Years and Years” in ancient Konglish.
“I would like to see one more new part of space before I pass on,” she said. “There may just be time for that if we do this, and there is something in it for all of you. It will make our reputation forever as traders; the name of Ulysses will be known, and that would please me, and I hope it would please you.
“Sixty years ago, according to radio, the Sol and Alfsentary systems were known to be open, so we could make one stop on the way. My plan would be that we would take only half a hold of cargo—we probably can’t even get that, nowadays, anyway, there doesn’t seem to be much at any port—and then stuff the empty holds with extra mass, which we could feed into the shielders, and we could run at ninety-nine-four instead of our usual ninety-eight-two. That would mean eintime would be about one ninth of slowtime, instead of one fifth, and we could be back to the center in about seven years eintime. Switch cargos and pick up more mass there, head out again, and run at ninety-nine four for a hundred twenty years of slowtime, so that we get all the way into the Seventh Pulse worlds on the other side. The corporation could afford to do it a hundred times over; I’d just like to take a chance on being there at the end of that voyage, and if we make it there, we will have made a name for ourselves, forever, among star traders. No other reason.”
Treo would vote with her; he always did because he feared that she thought he was a coward, though she had never said so. And his mathematician’s mate Fatima would vote yes along with him. Peter would probably vote yes just because he found all port calls distressful and would like the idea that he would probably die before they made their first stop. With her vote, that was fifty-fifty; she thought Chang had liked the idea when she explained it to him, but with Chang it was hard to tell about things. The other three tended to think that the economic models that slithered and hissed through Ulysses’s computers, paralyzing everything with their venom of marginal returns, were gods to be propitiated.
“Call the question?” Sleeth, the second physicist’s mate-pending-first, said. That was conventional because she was juniormost voting member; it also fit Sleeth, because she was young and bouncing with energy in a crew of old, tired people. Most of the crew muttered that she was annoying except Squire, who said it outright whenever he was out of the tank, and Robert, the first physicist’s mate, who said it coldly, as if it were the atomic mass of oxygen or the orbital velocity of a planet.
To compensate, Xhrina made no secret that Sleeth was as much her favorite now as when she had come aboard as a too-noisy-for-ship-people two-year-old. As the captain grew older, she had felt more and more that Sleeth was the only person, besides Xhrina, who
liked to get things done. So this calling the question was natural, aside from being a duty.
The vote wasn’t even close—only Squire and Robert voted against. Sleeth said apologetically to her cabin mates, “I’d like to be from a famous ship, and these runs around on the surface of the Sixth Pulse are getting dull.”
It seemed to Xhrina more likely that Sleeth, who was barely twenty, but had come back from the training ship when only twelve, had been living too long with an angry husk in a tank, and a cold man who never spoke (did Robert use her roughly? Xhrina had asked Sleeth, more than once, and Sleeth had said no in a way that Xhrina thought meant yes, but please don’t do anything). This looked to be Sleeth’s first little step to saying that she would not be pushed around by Robert and Peter, and it made Xhrina glad in a way that she had not felt in a while.
The Year's Best Science Fiction: Twenty-Fourth Annual Collection Page 107