by Rebecca Lang
'Shall we walk for a while, maybe down by the waterfront?' Joel suggested evenly as they left the restaurant.
'I'd like that,' she said, very aware of the tension in him. Inside she was agonizing over their relationship which had seemed so promising that morning, while outwardly calm. The tension of trying to remain calm was telling on her and she was glad that she did not have to concentrate on driving.
They drove a short distance to a large sand spit that went out into Lake Ontario, just south of downtown Gresham, a place that was a bird sanctuary, intersected with footpaths and bordered by a narrow stony beach. Joel found a place to park and they walked silently along the beach, where there were no other people in sight, where wading birds ran up and down near the water. The tranquillity of it, with the traffic noise of the city only a faint hum in the distance, calmed her.
'Shall we sit?' Joel said, indicating two smooth low rocks that would make good seats.
It was pleasant sitting there, looking out over the water in the mellow evening sunlight, with a breeze blowing away vestiges of city pollution that penetrated the area. Breathing deeply, Nell willed herself to calm down.
Joel stared out over the blue-grey water of the lake,, hardly able to comprehend that he actually had a son, when he had more or less resigned himself to the thought that he would never have children. When he considered that for ten years he had not known of the child's existence, he felt a slow, bitter anger, During those years they could have got to know each other, the boy would have grown up knowing that he had a father who cared for him.
'I would have taken responsibility, you know,' he said evenly, trying to keep the harshness and bitterness out of his tone, reminding himself that Nell had been only sixteen, that he had made love to her.. .with her consent...had supposedly been responsible at the time for the contraception. Although she had been beyond the age of consent, he would not have touched her if he had known her true age. The thought of it made him feel guilty and angry with himself, as well as with her.
'Did you think I wouldn't?' he persisted.
'After all this time, I can't say exactly what I thought. All I remember is that I think I knew you would take responsibility, but I didn't want you to have to take responsibility,' she said, sitting immobile beside him. 'I didn't want you to feel obligated or trapped.'
'We would have sorted something out,' he said tightly. 'We could have shared everything. I imagine that you could have used some emotional and practical support from me.'
'Yes,' she agreed. 'It may seem odd now...but it seemed to me then that I had to keep it a secret from you, partly for reasons that I've just given and partly because my parents had told me to give you up. And the reality of what it would mean to my life hadn't really set in, of course.'
'Shall we walk a bit?' he said, standing up and reaching out a hand to her.
'Mmm,' she said. Although his expression was stiff and controlled, he kept hold of her hand as they walked, and the warm contact added poignancy to his words that they could have shared things, and she wanted to weep because of the lost opportunities.
They walked along a thin strip of sand near the water's edge, where the water of the lake lapped softly. Soothed by nature and the touch of Joel's hand, she strove to explain herself.
'It's such a relief to talk about it,' she said. 'My parents didn't want any man in my life at that point, because that was not what they had planned for me. They said I was far too young, and I was, Joel. I was so naive. I had a lot of confidence, but I was so naive.'
'That doesn't make any difference,' he said. 'I could still have been a help to you, and I think I had a right to know.'
'It's easy to see that now,' she said quietly, 'but at the time I was very, very frightened. I just did what my parents thought best. It was difficult being at school, looking pregnant. Fortunately, he was born in the middle of the summer... the fourteenth of August.'
They walked in silence for a while, watching the sun turn red, low in the sky.
'After the baby was born, I wanted to tell you...face to face, not in a letter,' she explained, desperately wanting him to understand. 'Perhaps I should have sent a letter to your parents' home, but I didn't want to. When you sent me that card telling me you didn't want to maintain contact, it broke my heart.'
'Let's go back,' he said. They turned round to walk back to where they had parked his car.
'There's something I want you to know,' she said. 'Alec Was always wanted.' She recalled the joy she had felt in her condition in quiet moments when she had been alone, an intense, strange, primeval joy.
'Very glad to hear it,' he said.
'I loved him even before he was born. In fact, I'm so glad that I have him. Now I can't imagine what my life felt like before I had him. It seems like I had another self before,' she explained quietly, searching for words among those that seemed so inadequate.
Joel thought of the time she had told him that her parents had forbidden her to see him again, that she was only sixteen. 'Why did you lie to me?' He remembered saying that to her when they had met one weekend in his apartment, a bitterly cold winter day in which she had been bundled up in a thick, loose sweater, leggings and a voluminous sheepskin coat. Perhaps she had worn all that, he thought now, because her figure had been changing even then. 'I can't believe you're a kid, still in high school.'
'I just had my seventeenth birthday,' she had said.
'Gee, that makes a big difference,' he had said, the first time he had used sarcasm to her, a way to hide his bitterness. 'And I asked you why you lied to me.'
'I wanted to get to know you outside work,' she had said. 'I couldn't bear the thought that you wouldn't be interested in me.'
Now they got back into his car for the drive back to her house, remained sitting there for a few minutes, reluctant to leave that quiet and pleasant place and the tentative communication that had, at last, opened up between them in that place. Nell knew that such communication should have started a long time ago.
'The outcome of this is that I find I can't trust you, Nell,' Joel said as they sat side by side, the sadness of his words like a tangible thing between them. 'You've lied to me once too often, this time a lie of omission, and it's just burning me up.'
'Will you still be coming to work here?' she asked, her voice small.
Joel sighed. 'Yes,' he said. 'One thing you can do for me from now on is let me be part of my son's life.'
'Yes,' she said. 'He knows your name, has seen photographs of you. Maybe when I get home he will have recognized you, because he asked me if he knew you.'
'That's a start. We'll play it by ear,' he said. 'There's no hurry. Maybe I can see him later on this week before I leave Gresham?'
'Yes,' she said softly.
'Will you tell him that I'm his father, or would you like me to do it?' he asked, staring out of the windshield at the mellow evening sunlight.
'I rather think he will have realized by then,' she said. 'Otherwise, I'll tell him.'
'All right,' he said.
'What about...us?' she asked quietly.
'Do you want there to be an "us"?' he said brusquely.
'I...I think I do,' she said.
Again he sighed. 'I don't know, Nell,' he said. 'I really don't know. At this moment, I doubt that there can be any "us".'
CHAPTER FOUR
Joel drove Nell back to the house and declined to come in, switching off the car engine and the lights so that they sat in silence.
'You'll have to forgive me,' she said desperately, 'otherwise it will be impossible for us to work together. Anything that we might have done differently in the past might not have worked out. Alec's been well cared for.'
'I'm sorry, too,' Joel said quietly, 'that you had all that to go through by yourself. I know you had your parents. This is a strange situation and I'm having trouble getting my head around it.'
'Not so strange,' Nell said. 'People have babies all the time in different situations. It's only strange when
it happens to you, unplanned.'
'I'm sorry,' Joel said again. 'But seeing your son now, I wouldn't wish that he hadn't been born.'
'I'm not sorry,' she said.
'I should have been more careful,' he said, 'as well as guessing that you were much younger than you said you were. Maybe I didn't want to know.'
'Don't blame yourself,' she said, her voice trembling. 'That's the last thing I want. There is no blame... It's just something that happened.'
Responding to the unbearable tension between them, Nell moved to get out of the car, giving Joel a quick kiss on the cheek. 'Goodnight,' she said. 'Don't think too badly of me. I'm so relieved now that you know. It's been hanging over me all these years like a sword waiting to fall.'
'Wait,' Joel said, leaning over and pulling her into his arms, crushing his mouth on hers with a fierce kiss. Nell put her arms up around his neck, holding him to her.
'It's good to see you again, Nell,' Joel said when he had released her. 'We can try to be friends, yes? For the sake of the boy. I'm glad I have a son, although it's going to take some getting used to.'
'Yes...we'll try to be friends.' As Nell got out of the car, putting on a calm face, she felt as though she was weeping inside, because what she wanted from Joel was more than friendship. But that would have to do for a start, if indeed they could achieve that. At the moment she wasn't too sure. Before going in, she watched him drive away.
Her mother was waiting in the hallway when she got in, as were the two dogs, who only gave a cursory bark or two before going back to their beds in the kitchen. 'Hello, dear,' her mother said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. 'Alec's asleep, having done all his homework.' Not one to beat about the bush, she added, 'Who was that man, Nell? Alec seems to think he's his father, he's been getting out photographs. Now I think so too.'
Nell sighed. 'Yes, Mum, it's him.' Briefly she told her mother about the unexpected meeting, about the fact that Joel was coming to work at her hospital.
'What a shock, eh? That could be a bit awkward for you,' her mother said, 'although maybe the best thing for Alec.'
'It could be awkward, but I think we can work through it. Joel wants to meet Alec, be a part of his life if it works out.'
'If you handle it right, I don't see why it shouldn't work out,' her mother said.
'The trouble is, he doesn't trust me,' Nell said miserably. 'He said so.'
'You'll have to show him that you can be trusted,' her mother said, preparing to leave. 'After all, you're ten years older, things are completely different now.'
'I know. Goodnight, Mum. And thanks...thank you for everything.'
Slowly she went into the kitchen and dumped her handbag on a counter, deciding that she would make a cup of tea before going to bed. Going through the familiar motions of filling the kettle, plugging it in, calmed her churning mind. What a strange day it had been, yet the relief that she had spoken of earlier was very real.
It was all over now, the need to inform Joel. Part of the battle was over. What she had left to do was talk to Alec about it. How astute he was. You couldn't really fool children: they picked up intuitively on all the unspoken cues and clues, the nuances of behaviour and speech in those close to them. She didn't want to fool him anyway. A long time ago she had vowed to be truthful with him about everything, it was better in the long run, because otherwise you were not trusted. It was an awful thing not to be trusted...
Tears gathered in her eyes and she blinked them away with determination as she reached into a cupboard for a mug. Automatically she went through the motions of making tea, mentally rehearsing what she would say to Alec.
'Mum.'
Nell turned round. There was Alec in the doorway, tousled in his pyjamas, having come upon her soundlessly.
'Oh, hello, darling,' she said. 'I'm just making myself some tea. Would you like something? How come you're awake?' She went over to him and kissed him, giving him a hug at the same time. Hesitantly, he came into the room, as though he wasn't sure of what he had to say to her.
'Was that man my father?' he said, looking at her solemnly, his eyes so like Joel's that her heart lurched with love for him.
'Come and sit at the table,' Nell said. 'Would you like juice?'
'No.'
'Wait until I have my tea,' she said, making up her mind. 'I'll tell you what happened.' Alec already knew the story of his birth, because she had told him. As far as he was able to understand, he had accepted that, but she sensed he did not accept that his father had not tried to get in touch with them, had not accepted that he did not have the love of a father, as most other boys did with whom he went to school.
Nell sat down next to him at the kitchen table, cradling the mug of tea in both hands. 'Yes, that man is your father...Joel Matheson,' she said at last. 'We met unexpectedly at the conference I went to today,' she began. 'He's never been to such meetings before in Gresham.'
'He didn't say he was my dad,' Alec said, puzzled and very serious. Nell got the impression that he had not been asleep at all, had lain in bed worrying about this. 'Is that because he didn't know who I was?'
'Yes. But like you, he guessed after a while, because you look so alike. I didn't tell him about you at the conference—I thought I would leave it till later. I didn't know he was going to come to the house. I'm sorry he suddenly appeared like that, Alec.' She paused for a sip of tea. What an added relief it was to talk to Alec about this. 'You know that I tried to find him, but couldn't. Then he just turned up...'
Alec looked at her, his expression still serious as he studied her face, weighing up her words. 'Does he want to meet me? I mean, today didn't really count, did it?'
'No, it didn't,' she said. 'Yes, he very much wants to meet you. Maybe we can work something out this week, before he leaves for Montreal, where he lives right now.'
Carefully she explained to Alec that Joel would be coming to work in Gresham.
'I'm glad about that,' Alec said, sounding so intense that Nell leaned forward and kissed him.
'So am I,' she said. 'Maybe we'll all like each other.'
He looked puzzled again. 'It would be funny if we didn't,' he said.
'Well—' she chose her words carefully '—just because you want to like someone and they you, it doesn't always work out that way. It's like love. You can't force someone to love you, just because you want them to, or because you love them.'
There must have been something in her tone, because Alec looked at her enquiringly. 'Does...he love you, Mum?' he asked.
'He used to,' she said. 'Now I don't know. We have to get to know each other again.'
'What about me? Will he love me?'
'I hope so, but I don't know,' she said.
They sat talking for a while as Nell drank her tea, until she felt content with what she had told Alec so far. 'We'll just do our best to make sure it works out,' she said at last, standing up, 'so that we all like each other. We'll see how it goes from there. Come on, it's time you went back to bed. I'll come up and sit with you until you're asleep.'
'OK,' he said, going ahead of her. It was a measure of his disturbance that he did not decline her offer, saying that he was too old to have her sit by the bed until he fell asleep. It was something she had done for years when he had been younger.
There was a low stool by the bed and she sat on it, taking his hand. 'Off you go to sleep,' she said, 'otherwise you'll feel really tired tomorrow at school. It's all going to work out.' She stroked his hair away from his forehead and kissed him. Already she had a strange intimation of what it would be like to share her child with his father, and that sense brought mixed feelings, although it was something she had longed for. The focus of his love would not be all on her and her own parents.
'I'm glad he's here at last,' Alec mumbled.
'So am I,' she said. What ever the future might bring, that much was true.
With his hand warmly in hers, she leant back against the wall and mulled over all that had happened that day, what she
had said to Joel, what he had said to her, both spoken and unspoken. Whatever happened next, it was all out in the open, and it seemed to her that there was nowhere to go but forward.
When Alec was asleep and she was in bed herself, she knew that she would not sleep well because her mind was too active and for once she did not worry about it. There was so much to think about, to sort out. Tomorrow she would call Joel and make plans for the three of them to go out on Saturday, knowing that he planned to return to Montreal on Sunday evening. As luck would have it, she was to be off for the Weekend. Maybe they would do something simple, like take the dogs for a long walk, and then she would cook supper for all of them.
The weekend dawned bright and pleasantly hot. Gardens were burgeoning with life, as were the wild places in the city of Gresham, now that it was summer, everything green and lush. The collective spirit went into overdrive, Nell could feel it, as the population of the city finally put memories of the long, cold winter behind them.
Joel had duly been invited to come for the afternoon and had accepted.
Where Nell lived, in an old established residential area near the downtown section, the city was liberally intersected with wooded ravines with pathways and lanes through them. The one that she went to frequently with her family and dogs had a stream running through it, which looked inviting, even though it was actually polluted with the overflow from city drains that took rain water. It looked good as it babbled over stones. While walking there, she could delude herself that she was in the country, especially in the summer when dragonflies flitted about over wild flowers and birds sang. Once she had seen a fox nonchalantly crossing the lane a few yards ahead of her.
'He's here, Mum!' Alec shouted excitedly to her after lunch on Saturday. They had both been waiting somewhat impatiently for Joel to arrive, with Nell getting more and more agitated, as well as stressed with the effort of not wanting to show it to her son.
She acknowledged that she was just as excited as Alec was at the prospect of spending time with Joel, who had agreed readily to the outing. Nell got the sense that there was to be some sort of truce between them, if she could call it that. For a few hours they would be a family, linked by their blood ties. It was almost a new concept to her, something that had come to seem like a vain hope before, that she would be forever united with Joel because of their child, regardless of what happened to them as individuals. Sometimes that concept was comforting.