She was nice about it. I mean real nice about it, like you’d never believe. I was a rock star an’ all, so maybe you would. But I was royally pissed. The next day we drove down to Jersey and I was kickin’ myself the entire way. I’d just wasted the best night of my life, and all ‘cause I couldn’t take it slow with the booze. Didn’t even get the girl’s number, so wasn’t any way to find her again. Hell, I didn’t even know her name. Maybe I’d wish her up again. Seven fuckin’ days I’d have to wait, but I’d get her again. And this time I’d be sober.
And then I had me a thought. Bobby, I said, why are you waitin’ a whole god damned week? You could’a had her. You could’a had her in ten seconds. None’a this week shit. That ain’t how wishes are supposed’ta work. It’s I wish, and then I get. That’s how it is in the movies. I could’a just said the ten sentences and wished myself sober. Or wished my dick up, or wished her right back into the tour bus once I sobered up. But instead I had to wait a week while I tried to wish the girl of my dreams back into my life.
That shit’s for suckers, I thought. I ain’t wastin’ a week on that. I’m gonna fix this thing now and forever, and I’m gonna get what I want, when I want it.
“From now on my cheat code’s gonna start workin’ right after I say the ten sentences.”
We drove around for another two weeks. We toured, we played gigs. I screamed like a lunatic when I was on stage and fucked like a rabbit when I was off it. I kept sayin’ that sentence to myself each and every day, no matter how much I drank, now matter how much coke I snorted. And I gave it an extra week, just in case.
We was down in New Orleans by then, eatin’ po’ boys at a sandwich shop before the big show. And I figured, time to take this baby for a spin. There was this girl sittin’ across the restaurant, a total stunner. Ten out of ten. And I looked over at her, and I started mutterin’ to myself under my breath, just quiet enough that the boys in the band couldn’t hear and think I was some kinda weirdo.
“That girl in the blue shirt will stand up and flash us.”
And I swear to God she stood right up, gave us a smile, and whipped up her shirt. And boy, I had a helluva time after that. Tried it with every woman in the restaurant, and it worked every time. Mardi gras came early, at least for me. Didn’t have to wait a whole damned week to get what I wanted anymore. I could have anything I wanted, anybody I wanted, and I could have it right then and there.
I tell you what, the rest of that weekend was a blast. Me and the band got up to no good, and I kept wishin’ up shit the entire time. We ran outta coke? No problem, I wished a bagful into the glove compartment of the tour bus. See a cute girl? Zap, she’s partyin’ with us. Swedish Bikini Team? They just happened to stay at our hotel, I guess. On and on and on. Picked a fight with a big ole boy down on Bourbon Street, just to show I could. “I’m gonna take Bubba here down with one punch,” I said, and nine times later I did.
Now it was late on Saturday night when I decided to do somethin’ stupid. I mean the stupidest thing I ever done in my life. Me and the band was all walkin’ down some alley, takin’ a piss. The cops started into us, and I turned ‘em around just as quick. They just strolled right back outta the alley and let us use it as a toilet. “How’d you do that?” the guys said. And I said, hold my beer and watch this. I point up to a building, six or seven stories tall. And I say, I’m gonna fly the fuck up to the top’a there just like Superman.
The hell you are, they say, and they all laugh.
The hell I ain’t, I say.
And I look up. And it’s real fuckin’ high up there. But I already talked all that shit, so I gotta go through with it. Can’t back out now. So I say it ten times. “I’m gonna fly up to the top of that building like Superman.” And I jump into the air.
And I land back down on my ass.
Everybody’s crackin’ up. I’m just sittin’ there wonderin’ what the fuck’s goin’ on and why it didn’t work. And then I realize it. That building is tall. Real fuckin’ tall. As much as I wanted to be a badass by learnin’ to fly, I had to admit I was just a little bit scared of the prospect. And that book said I had to want it, really and truly. I was still a little coked up, and still a lot drunk. And the thought got into my head. That was the problem. Part of me wanted to fly. But part of me was scared. So I’d never, ever be able to fly. This cheat code thing was broke. I’d never get everything I wanted, not if even a little bit of me had doubts about it.
I could fix that, though. I could fix it if I changed the rules again.
My grandad used to tell me a story about a fence. He was a rancher, see? And he said if you ever walk out into a pasture somewhere and you see a fence just sittin’ right there in the middle of nowhere, you leave it be. You don’t tear the damned thing down unless you know why somebody put it up in the first place.
Well I was drunk, and I tore that fence to bits.
“From now on I’m gonna get whatever I want right away, whether I want it really and truly or not.”
That was a stupid move. That was a real stupid move. But I’d been tearin’ down plenty of fences already, and I didn’t think about what’d happen if I tore down this last one, too.
First thing that happened was I thought, I wanna be able to fly up on top of that building. And hell if I wasn’t floatin’ up in the air a few seconds later. Just zippin’ around like a drunk-ass Superman, the boys down on the ground shoutin’ shit up at me.
I aimed for the roof. I swear I did.
But I smacked my ass into the side of the building instead.
Must’a fell six stories. Next thing I knew I was on the ground, coughin’ up blood, every bone in my body broke to pieces. The guys were all around me, lookin’ scared as shit. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t move, and every inch’a me was in pain.
“I don’t wanna die like this,” I thought, and I didn’t. “Wish I hadn’t pulled this shit.”
And then there I was, standin’ in front of the guys like nothin’ ever happened, pointin’ up at the roof and sayin’ I’m gonna fly the fuck up to the top’a there just like Superman.
I freaked the fuck out. Checked myself up an’ down. Wasn’t a scratch on me. I’m in a panic. The guys are laughin’ at my dumb drunk ass. An’ I’m done for the night. I think to myself, man I just wanna go back to the hotel and sleep this shit off.
Zap, there I am. Lyin’ in my bed, the lights off, and a few seconds later I pass the fuck out.
I wake up with a hangover from hell. Need some breakfast, I think. Knock knock. It’s room service with a whole damned plate of it. I scarf it down. Wish this fuckin’ headache would go away.
And it does.
And then I remember it all.
All the dumb shit I did, and how close I came to killin’ myself.
Gotta fix this, I thought. Gotta figure out some way to fix this.
I tried puttin’ that fence back up. I really did. I knew right then and there I’d fucked up good. So I say it out loud. “I wish I still had to want something really and truly before I’d get it.” And then I wait.
“I wish somebody’d bring me a suitcase full’a money,” I say. Knock knock again. There’s this Russian mafia lookin’ guy at the door. Tattoos all over his neck, black suit, black sunglasses. He drops a silver suitcase on the floor in front of me and just walks the fuck off. I plop it on the bed and open her up. It’s filled with hundreds, just about to burst.
Well, shit still worked. But I think to myself, that’s a stupid test. ‘Cause everybody wants money. Nobody was gonna say I didn’t want that, not even a little bit. So I start thinkin’ about shit that I didn’t want, and what I could try.
I got pretty lucky. I could’a thought up somethin’ worse.
But the first thing I did think up was a giant-ass shark in the middle of my bed.
It was there just as soon as the thought popped into my head. Bitin’, thrashin’, snappin’ at me. A Great White. Took up the whole damned bed, the tail at one end of the room and the teeth a
t the other. Nearly got my arm. I crawled my ass in the corner and yelled it out. “I wish that damned thing were gone!”
Poof, it’s gone. The bed’s still soaked, and there’s a hole in the ceiling where the fin smacked into it.
I think to myself, oh shit. Oh, holy shit. I gotta be real, real careful what I think about right now. ‘Cause I know for sure I didn’t want that damned shark in my bed, really and truly or otherwise.
I try it again. I try harder this time. “I wish things worked the way they did back before I started fuckin’ around with ‘em. I wish it took ten sentences to get what I want. I wish it took three god damned months.”
I look around. Nothin’. And I think, shit. I gotta test this fucker again somehow and see if it’s fixed.
And the words pop into my head. I can’t even stop ‘em. “I want Godzilla and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and King Kong all tearin’ up the city." I hear the noise a few seconds later. The roar. The buildings smashin’ to pieces. There’s a boom and the whole room shakes. An’ I do the first smart thing I did since all this started.
I’m sittin’ there thinkin’ to myself, “I don’t wanna die. I wish I couldn’t die. I wish I couldn’t get hurt, not ever, no matter what dumbass thing I think about. I wish—"
Right about then the big green claw pops through the wall and pulls the hotel down around me. I get banged around. I can’t see shit. I’m in a pile of dirt and rocks and whatever. I hear Godzilla clompin’ around out there. There’s a chunk of concrete the size of a Ford sittin’ on the middle of my chest, but it doesn’t hurt. Not a bit. And I ain’t dead.
“I wish I was out on the street.”
And then I was. And the whole city was gettin’ torn to pieces while those monsters fought each other up in the sky.
“I wish they was gone.”
And they was. And it was quiet, at least for a little bit.
You ever tried not thinkin’ about somethin’? Like makin’ yourself not think about somethin’ you don’t wanna think about? It’s hard as hell. And you can’t do it for long. Once there’s a thought tryin’ to get into your head, you just can’t keep it out. You know it’s there. It’s like tryin’ to hold in a good piss. You’re gonna let it loose sooner or later. It’s just a matter’a time.
I tried everything I could since then. Believe me, I tried. I tried meditation. Tried controllin’ my thoughts. Tried wishin’ away all the bad shit as soon as it comes. But it keeps happenin’, every time I think somethin’ I shouldn’t. All that crazy shit you been seein’ on the news. The ghosts, the goblins, the wars, the Martians, the cities burnin’ down and then comin’ right back again. The asteroid, the chocolate rain, the talkin’ cats and the flyin’ dogs, the people that turned inside out, the blob that ate up New York, the candy cane people and the skinny-ass Santa Claus eatin’ kids instead’a cookies. It’s me. It’s all comin’ from me. And I can’t stop it. I can’t stop any of it.
More than anything I try wishin’ those fences back into place.
But I can’t. I just can’t. I should be able to if I really get anythin’ I want, but I can’t. I think it’s cause part’a me don’t want it that way. Part’a me knows I’d end up back the way I was. Drunk and dumb and waitin’ around to die. I was like that too long. And a little tiny part’a me’s scared that if I put those fences back up, I’m gonna end up just like I was before all this started.
‘Course, the rest’a me wishes I could. The rest’a me’d go back to the way things was before in a heartbeat and thank the hell outta whoever let me do it.
I think it’s cause whatever fence I tore down, somebody out there’s gotta put back up. I don’t think you can fix the fences from in here once you tear ‘em down. It’s a computer code thing, and I flipped some kinda switch from inside this video game. And now somebody out there’s gotta flip it back. And until they notice it’s all gone wrong in here, whatever shit pops into my head is gonna pop into the world just like it was real. I can’t do nothin’ about it from in here. I tried as hard as I could, and I just can’t.
I wish somebody out there’d pay attention to this shit. I wish they’d see how bad I fucked this place up. I wish they’d come in here and save me, I wish they’d talk to me, I wish they’d make things right, I wish they’d make me back the way I was, I wish they’d put the trainin’ wheels back on, I wish they’d help, I wish they’d stop the monsters and the ghosts and the freaked out shit that keeps showin’ up anytime I lose my train’a thought, I wish they’d do somethin’, anythin’ to make this better.
But you can’t always get what you wish for.
RUMSPRINGA
Where are you, my Esther?
It hurts to see you lying there. You can’t hear me, and I know that. But I still come here, and I always will. I don’t know whether your Grossdaadi can hear me either, but I visit his grave all the same.
What’s happened since the last time I came?
The family’s doing well. They miss you. We all miss you. But otherwise we’re fine. The corn’s about ready for harvest. The Petersheim’s cow broke its leg yesterday, so we had to help them set the bone. Your cousin Moses is about to get married to one of the Schrock girls. Your Aunt Mary and I’ve been helping sew her wedding dress.
And you have a new niece. Aaron’s baby, a perfect little girl. He named her Naomi. I think she looks just like your Daed. The same big nose, the same grumpy face he makes. I thought of you when I saw her. About the way you used to tease him. You’d scowl back up at him, and then you’d giggle, and then so would he. He’d pick you up on his shoulders and carry you around through the fields.
I wish you’d been there to see her. To hold her.
To be with the family again.
There’s a hole in my heart where you were. I’ll never be able to fill it. No matter how big the family gets, no matter how many grandchildren I have, I’ll always have a hole where you used to be.
I had to fight to be allowed to work here, you know. This isn’t women’s work. To be a Caretaker. To come every day to this awful building. To this tomb. The English buried themselves in here, and who’s left to tend to their graves? To soil ourselves with their machines and help them dream their sinful dreams?
Only us. Only the Amish. You should be out here with us.
You should be out here with me.
I went on Rumspringa, too. I never told you much about what happened. We should have talked about it. What it was like, and the choice you’d have to face. You were just a child. I thought I’d corrupt you if I told you too much. I thought it would tempt you. I should have known there’s temptation enough in there already. I should have known you’d see it for yourself one day no matter what I said.
I should have prepared you.
I should have warned you.
I was so excited. My Mamm didn’t tell me much, either. Just that I could go there when I turned sixteen. That I could live with the English in their fantasy place, and that I could do whatever I liked while I was there. And that it would be up to me whether I stayed with the English or came back out to live with my family again.
Mamm told me the same thing I told you just before they put me inside. “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”
I knew what she meant. I could go into their false paradise, and I could taste their tainted fruit. But if I was wise, I wouldn’t fall in love with the illusions I saw in there. If I was wise, I’d see through the veil. I’d come back out to the world God made. I’d get down on my knees before Him and join the Amish church. And I’d live the way He intended until the day He took me up to the real paradise. Not a world of shadows and lies and sin, but of truth. I wouldn’t live down there with them. I’d live up there with Him. With Him, and with my family, forever.
Love not the world. She told me that. She cried when I went inside. She was the only one there with me, holding my hand. Your Grossdaadi didn’t want me to go.
He couldn’t stomach being there. He was a bear of a man. He made everyone else in the family stay away when I went. He didn’t approve of me going on my Rumspringa, even though he knew he couldn’t stop me. He growled and he snapped and he raged. Back then I thought he was mad at me. I know better now.
Now I know he had his reasons, and they had nothing to do with anything I’d done. He didn’t want the rest of the family to be tempted. He’s a man. He’d been in there, too. He went on his Rumspringa when he was a boy. And maybe he was still a little tempted himself.
I wore my church clothes when I went. A white cape, a white apron, a white dress. And my prayer cap. I wore that too, as if I’d be doing any prayer in there. I was afraid. So very afraid. But one of my brothers, your uncle Jacob. He’d just come back from his own Rumspringa a few years before I left. He told me things. About how much fun it would be. About how you could do anything, anything you’d ever dreamed of. About how he missed it sometimes, and about how hard it had been to give it up and come back out to join the church.
But he said something else. He said he wasn’t sure where the Kingdom of God was, but that after he’d spent a few years inside that place, he knew it wasn’t there. And he said that no matter how much fun he’d had, he wouldn’t trade his family for anything in the world.
I wish I’d told you that before you went in. I wish I’d told you how much I love you.
I went to this very same building and sat down in one of these coffins when my sixteenth birthday came. The Caretakers were there. They put the mask over my head, right over my prayer cap. They stuck the wires into my skin. My Mamm held my hand and prayed. And they told me to close my eyes and count to ten.
When I opened them I wasn’t there anymore. I was in a city. A big city, just like the ones the English used to live in. Buildings as high as I could see. No buggies, no farms, no grass, no trees. Just metal everywhere. And cars. I’d never seen a car. They were so fast. So scary. I jumped against a wall as they raced by. I thought the first one I saw was a demon. Bright and red and flashy, roaring as it went.
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