“I heard.”
Michael led her to the sofa. “I thought you just got back.”
“I did. Lawrence told me.”
Michael’s face hardened. “I’m not surprised. I got the impression he knew about it.”
“Lawrence knows everything. I think he may even know about us. I’ve never been able to keep a secret from him for any length of time. He’s worried about me.”
“Why? He’s worried you might let someone else love you and make you happy?” An edge of anger sharpened his voice.
“You don’t understand, Michael. I’ve worked hard to attain my position. I’ve seen other girls squander their good fortune by falling for a man. He only wants to make sure I don’t follow the same path.”
“He wants to drive a wedge between us.”
“He’s just protecting me.”
“I don’t trust him.”
Jocelyn bristled. “I trust him. That’s all that should matter to you.”
“Sometimes I think your love for him blinds you to his true character.”
“I’m a perfectly fine judge of character. Need I remind you that I was the one who fixed your betrothal? I judged George’s character and James’s well enough. It was my intuition and skill that solved your problem.” Jocelyn didn’t even try to hide the defensiveness in her tone. How had their happy reunion soured so quickly?
Michael sighed. “I know, Jocelyn. I’m not criticizing you. I love you. I think you’re an amazing woman with tremendous talents. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Then don’t hurt me, Michael. You’re the only one who can.”
“Me and Lawrence.”
“If Lawrence was going to hurt me, he would have done it long before now. He has done nothing but care for me, give me a trade, and love me like a daughter. There was no reason for him to do any of that.”
“I can think of quite a few reasons. How much of your earnings does he take?”
Before Jocelyn could think, she drew her hand back and slapped him. Her shock at her own action momentarily cooled her anger. Never before had she lost her temper with a man. She certainly had never raised her hand to one.
Michael worked his jaw, rubbing it with his hand. “I’m sorry. That was completely uncalled for. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“I’m sorry I slapped you, though it did prove my point. You’re the only one who can hurt me, Michael, and you wonder why I’m scared of loving you? It’s just a matter of time before you hurt me and leave me.”
“I will never leave you, Jocelyn. I can’t promise you I will never hurt you again. No one can. I can promise you that I’ll never consciously try to and that I will always feel like the most wretched man on earth after the occasions when I do hurt you. And you’re bound to hurt me too. It’s the curse of love. You’re right about that. But it’s worth it. I promise you it is. I know that every time one of us is hurt, we’ll comfort each other. We’ll remember that the only reason we hurt is because we love so much. I will always be there for you. We will overcome anything, navigate any stormy waters. And at the end of it, when the winds have quieted and the seas have calmed, we’ll still be together, watching the sunrise, stronger than we were when the storm began.”
Jocelyn desperately wanted to believe him. When she gazed into his gray eyes, she did believe. She wished she could steal some of his surety for herself.
“It scares me too, Jocelyn, but that’s what makes it exciting. You never struck me as the type of woman who handled boredom well.”
“No, I’m not.” The beginnings of a smile broke through as she shook her head.
“Good. Like I told you before, I have no place in my life for boring, sensible things. I went to sea searching for adventure, only to find the greatest one here on land. I know you’re uncertain, Jocelyn, but I’m sure enough for both of us. We can talk through any concerns or fears you have. I want you to make a list, and we’ll tackle them all. But I’m warning you now, once we’ve exhausted the list, once I’ve disproved every worry you have, fought back every fear, I’m going to ask you to be my wife. If, after all that, you want me, we’ll have the rest of time for me to prove my love to you, but if you don’t want me, I’ll leave you alone. You won’t ever have to worry about me hurting you.”
How could a woman not love a man like him? It wasn’t fair. He was cheating somehow. Jocelyn didn’t want him to help her work through her fears. She wanted him to decide she wasn’t worth the trouble and move on to a different woman. Better for him to realize she wasn’t worth it now rather than after marriage vows were made.
She wanted her life to go back to the way it was before she’d met him. She cursed herself for walking into King’s Head that night instead of heeding Lawrence’s advice to stay home. Ever since she was eleven years old and had been accepted into Lawrence’s house, her plans had been clear. Her dedication had been absolute. There was no room in her life for a husband. How could she be her own woman when she belonged to Michael? Yet, she felt more herself when she was with him, and the thought of him leaving her made her ache inside, as if part of her was being torn away. Parts of her already belonged to him, and she feared she would never get them back.
* * *
Chapter 24
Michael couldn’t help stopping to look at some of the market stalls on his way to court. His conversation with Jocelyn the previous night had rejuvenated him. She was a challenge, one he relished.
Browsing through the stalls, he stopped at a jeweler’s. A ring caught his eye.
“May I help you, My Lord?” The jeweler was a small man with delicate fingers and a high-pitched voice.
“I was admiring this ring here.” Michael picked up the pearl ring. It was simple compared to some of the other offerings. The central pearl was surrounded by little rubies set in gold. Something about it called to him.
“Yes, that is a beauty. It would make an excellent gift for a special lady.”
He had always loved pearls and had hunted for them as a child. He always experienced a sense of wonder and jubilation when he opened an oyster to discover one. It was the same way he’d felt when he’d met Jocelyn. The rubies surrounding it were as fiery as she was. They were blood red, the same color that had tarnished her alabaster skin the night they’d made their vow. The ring accurately represented their love.
“Yes. I’d like to buy it.” It would make the perfect ring to give Jocelyn when he asked her to marry him. Perhaps it was too soon to be thinking that far ahead, but he was confident he would succeed in winning her hand.
Michael didn’t bother haggling. He paid the price the jeweler asked and a little extra for a lovely wooden box carved with flowers to keep it in. It was a simple piece of jewelry compared with much of what Jocelyn owned, but there would be plenty of time to buy her more. This wasn’t a gift to be catalogued with the others she was showered with. It would be the first present he gave her, and he hoped the simple beauty and symbolism of it would touch her the way it had him.
The box made the ring too bulky to carry in his money purse all day, so he went back to King’s Head to put it away for safekeeping. Seeing it excited him, and he hoped he’d be able to give it to her soon. In reality, though, it could be a long wait. Michael resolved not to worry. No matter how long it took, Jocelyn was worth it. There was no need to rush when he expected to have the rest of his life with her.
With the ring safely stored in his chest, Michael made his way to court. He both looked forward to and dreaded seeing Jocelyn. While he could spend all day simply looking at her, it was dreadful not being able to talk with her as he did in the privacy of his room. She needed the distance, and he would honor her desires. Given the recent business with the king and Michael’s suspicions about Lawrence, it wasn’t wise to be seen to be overly interested in Jocelyn anyway.
Jocelyn, however, seemed to have other ideas. As soon as she saw him, she came to him.
“Good day, Lord Dover.”
“Good day
to you, Mistress Jocelyn.”
“I thought you would have been here earlier to watch the tennis match.”
“I’m sorry I missed it, but I was making a purchase. How was it?” Michael caught the slight surprise in Jocelyn’s eyes.
“It was fine, but not nearly as interesting as when Prince Charles is at court. You should see him play. It’s almost as entertaining as watching the women fawn over him.”
Michael chuckled at the note of disdain in Jocelyn’s voice. “I should think so.”
“I didn’t take you as the type to spend your mornings making purchases.”
“No, I’m usually not. However, I saw something that caught my eye, and I simply had to have it. It was too beautiful to leave lying in a market stall. I thought I might know of a much lovelier place for it to lie.”
Jocelyn’s eyes twinkled. “Really? And where would that be?”
“On a woman I know. Then again, she would really put the item’s beauty to shame. I think I’ll hold on to it.”
“You’re such a tease.” Jocelyn’s grin made the price of the ring seem inconsequential. Her entire face lit with merriment. She appeared so young and innocent. It’d be easy to lose himself to the dream of how wonderful life would be if they really did run away together.
“I’ll give it to you when it will mean something. I have no interest in being yet another man who showers you with gifts.”
“There’s no hope of you ever being that.”
“Good. I’m still going to hold on to it just to be sure.”
Jocelyn feigned a pout. “Spoilsport.”
“I could say the same for you. There are a great many things I’d like to do with you that you haven’t permitted me yet.”
“You’re the one who places restrictions on our activities.”
“And you’re the one who refuses to accept them and let our relationship move forward.”
Jocelyn sobered. “I am trying.”
“I know you are, love. Have you thought of anything you’d like to talk about?” He wanted to touch her, to provide physical reassurance, but given their situation, it didn’t seem prudent to appear so familiar in public.
“Yes, there are a few things we can discuss, if you’d like.”
“Wonderful. I look forward to it. When are you available?”
“Tonight.”
“Two nights in a row?” A thrill coursed through him that made him wonder how it would feel to spend every night with her.
“Yes. I’m not soliciting any new work. I’m simply taking what Lawrence is giving me. Despite what you think, he’s not the one who keeps me busy. I’ve made enough money and have enough benefactors that Lawrence doesn’t put financial pressure on me. I’ve always been the one who sought engagements.”
“I’ll expect you this evening then.” Michael nodded farewell and went to find the Earl of Middlesex to discuss business. Surely he’d be able to get through the day knowing what he had to look forward to. He couldn't help hoping he’d be able to give her that ring sooner than he’d thought.
* * *
Chapter 25
The crackling fire chased the chill from Michael’s room while the wine warmed Jocelyn from the inside. It would seem awkward to sit on his sofa with him, preparing to discuss their future as if it were a business transaction, but she could never feel awkward with Michael. She’d taken his request to catalogue her concerns seriously. Her mind always came back to one thing. “How will it work?”
“How will what work?”
“Us being married.”
“All right, we can discuss that. What other concerns do you have?”
“That’s it.”
“Really?” Michael’s face showed his surprise.
“Yes, Michael. I know I love you. I know you love me. The only thing that’s stopping me is the fear of losing myself. I need to know how the practical details are going to work. It’s a much more complex question than it appears.” She took a sip of wine, preparing to expose her fears.
“Then let’s get it answered. Could you be more specific?”
“I’m scared of becoming Lady Dover.” She looked past Michael, wondering where to begin. Finally, she sighed and met his irritatingly calm and patient gaze. “What is it I’m going to do all day? I don’t want to be an idle woman. And if you dare say embroidery, I’ll walk out of this room right now and never come back.”
Michael chuckled. “No, I would never presume to relegate you to embroidery.”
“Then what? I don’t know how to be a Lady, and I really don’t want to learn.”
“First of all, you already are a lady. Second, I assume you’ll do many of the same things you do now, just less sex with other people and a lot more with me. You’ve told me yourself, the sex is not central to what you do. I expect you’ll still be active at court. I’ve never been one for politicking, but you’re a natural.”
Jocelyn tried to make sense of that in her head. It was true that she considered the sex a secondary part of her work. The primary part was helping men advance. As Michael’s wife, she would do the same, only her priorities would be promoting Michael’s interests. “All right. Are we always going to be at court? I assume we’ll need to spend some time in Dover to attend to business. What then?”
“You have a brilliant mind and would be quite an asset to the business. Remember that we don’t just have Dover to manage, we also have my fleet. You’ve been a shrewd businesswoman your whole life. That’ll continue, only it will be a different business. The principles are the same, and your skills still apply.”
“And how will I put my skills in bed to use?” Jocelyn couldn’t help teasing him. He did such a superb job of banishing her fears. She could see the shape her life with Michael would take.
“You’ll be putting them to use multiple times a night. Especially in the beginning. There’s lost time to make up for.” Michael leaned forward and grazed her neck with a kiss. It sent a delicious chill down her spine, the promise of things to come.
“Fair enough. That brings to mind another concern. What about children? I’ve taken precautions in the past, but I’ve never become pregnant. There’s a chance I’m barren. It’s never bothered me because I’ve never imagined having children. I would be a terrible mother.”
“I think you’re wrong on that count. You would raise wonderfully strong women and wise men, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t intend to use you to produce heirs. While it would be beneficial, it’s not required. I don’t care who inherits my title and lands as long as my family is taken care of. This is another area where you can work at court as Lady Dover. My nieces need betrothals, and Margaret needs a marriage. That is the best way to ensure their futures. You’ll be invaluable in negotiating those details and securing the best possible matches for them.”
“Really?”
“Yes. The income from my ships is enough to provide for us and my family for the rest of our lives. Margaret and the children just need insurance should something happen to me. I’m not so vain that I need to continue my line. However, it would be interesting to have a little Jocelyn toddling about.”
Jocelyn snorted. “You mean it would be a headache. Can you imagine?”
Michael grinned. “Yes, I can. She’d keep us busy.”
“She’d send us to an early grave.”
“Whether we have children or not is a decision we will make together. I’m sure we can stay entertained and avoid a baby. If you decide you want to try to get pregnant and it turns out you are barren, I’m fine with that. It seems to me that it all comes down to trust. You worry that I’m going to marry you and force you to abandon your life. I don’t want to change anything about you. It’s you I’ve fallen in love with. It would defeat the purpose for me to marry you and then demand you relinquish all the essential parts of yourself. We can even travel together, visit the court in France. Nothing restrains us. We can do anything together. The only important part is that we’re together.”
It wa
s as if he knew exactly what she needed to hear. Only he wasn’t saying the words solely for her benefit. Everything about him spoke to his sincerity. “I was hoping you’d say that. I am who I am, Michael. I won’t change for any man. I suppose that’s why I’ve always been against the idea of marriage. I never thought I would find a man who would value a woman like me as a wife.”
Michael took her hand in his and drew it to his chest. “All being a wife means is that you’re mine, and I’m yours. It doesn’t change anything else.”
Jocelyn peered into Michael’s gray eyes and saw her perfect counterpart. Here was a man who valued all the parts of her she did and loved all the parts of her she didn’t. He was everything she would have been searching for had she known it existed. To turn her back on him because she was afraid of the unknown would be foolish. The best parts of her life had come from overcoming her fears. If the trepidation she had felt at the thought of letting Michael have her was any indication, she was about to embark on the adventure of her life.
“Good, because I want you, Michael, and you’re the only man who I’ll allow to have me.”
Joy bubbled up in his eyes, and he kissed her. Like all of Michael’s kisses, it left her wanting more. She never tired of them. She didn’t think she ever would. It occurred to her that she’d probably have the chance to find out. For the first time in her life, everything was incredibly simple. All she wanted was to see Michael’s eyes looking at her with the same love they held now. Forever.
* * *
Chapter 26
Michael’s palms were slick with sweat. The idea of eloping looked better with every passing minute. It was unlikely the king would really care whom he married or care enough to annul the marriage. However, given the situation with Michael’s fairly recent betrothal and the place Jocelyn held in the king’s affections, he felt it prudent to seek the king’s permission before proceeding. He didn’t know what he’d do if he were denied. Michael tried to think which would be better for his family’s sake: marrying without seeking permission or marrying after permission was denied. The latter would be worse but was more unlikely. The first would incur the king’s displeasure for certain.
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