by Leela Ash
The tears came soon, hot and uncontrollable. She plonked herself down on the couch as she cried loudly, in the empty house. She had been angry with Vincent, but Gerard’s success, his happy and fulfilled life made her sad, made her regret every decision she had ever made. The memory of Gerard’s smiling face filled her mind and she burst into tears again. She could see him standing in his Khaki pants and an old striped shirt, his backpack hung loosely from his back. He was waiting for her outside her class and she ran towards him, his smile grew. She remembered it like it was yesterday. She pressed her face against his chest as they embraced tightly. He smelled of coffee and doughnuts, probably all he ate in the past twenty-four hours.
“I hadn't seen you in a day. I missed you,” she heard him say and she looked up to stare at his handsome face.
“I wish you would make your breakthrough already, so we could spend some time together, finally,” Sue said, his eyes held her gaze confidently. She could see he worshipped her.
“Soon,” he said before he bent his head down to kiss her. Even now, as she sat alone on her couch, trying hard to hold back another volley of tears, she could feel his full lips on hers. He kissed her with an intensity she hadn’t experienced after him. That thought immediately led to the memory of Vincent returning home after a book tour. Sue opened the door for him and flung her arms around her husband.
“I missed you Vincent!” she squealed and showered his face with adoring kisses. Vincent only peeled her arms off him and hurried into the house past her.
“Vincent?” she called after him as she heard the sound of the door of his study shut behind him.
Chapter 2
Sue woke up in a dark room. She had clearly fallen drunkenly asleep a while ago. She sat up on the couch and wiped the crusted dribble from her mouth. Drawing the folds of her cardigan around her, she stood up from the couch, drawn towards the bright light from the computer screen. She didn’t have to check her watch to know that it was very late, way past midnight.
She sat down on the armchair again and saw her email inbox open on the screen. She had no recollection of her actions, after she had discovered Gerard’s news article. As her eyes adjusted to the glaring brightness of the screen, her heart stopped. The first unread email in her inbox was from the username Gerard.T. Panicked thoughts raced through her mind as she tried desperately to recall what she had emailed him. She could see her hands shaking as she clicked on the email and instead of reading his response, she scrolled down directly to her initial message to him.
Dear Gerard,
I have only recently discovered your immense success and would like to congratulate you on it. We should meet up!
Best wishes,
Sue
A soft moan escaped her lips as she read the message all over again, cringing the whole time. The fact that she was embarrassed by it, was to say the least. She used her fingers to roughly massage her throbbing temples as she scrolled up to read his response. He had apparently emailed her back in half an hour’s time. Polite and punctual as ever.
Dear Sue,
Great to hear from you after ages. Thank you for your well wishes. Yes, I would love to catch up. Friday at 5PM at Queen of Tarts?
Regards,
Gerard
Regards? Regards! The word seeped into her consciousness like poison. His entire message embarrassed her; she wondered if he could tell that she had written to him in a fit of rage and loneliness. That it had been a message of spite? Then again, she couldn’t be sure what her sentiments had been when she had emailed him. She shook her head and shut her eyes tightly. This was going to be a disaster, she was convinced of it. An ex-lover flaunting his success and happiness in her face was the opposite of what she needed in these lonely times and she was the one to blame for having brought this upon herself.
She hurriedly switched the computer off and caught a quick parting glimpse of their vacation photograph. She nearly spat on Vincent’s digital face.
•••
Sue was early, thankfully. This gave her a chance to survey the place and try to grow comfortable in her surroundings before Gerard joined her. She had spent the last three days trying to distract herself from the impending meeting. She tried to coach herself in front of the mirror to deliver the most casual and nonchalant greeting when she would finally meet him, but she knew she wasn’t prepared. How could she be prepared for this? They hadn’t met in twenty years, they had parted ways on unfriendly terms and now, she had foolishly gone and invited him for a meeting during the worst phase of her life. She was convinced she would make a fool of herself.
She had chosen a simple lilac knee-length dress after much deliberation. A dark purple shawl, the color of blackcurrants, was wrapped around her shoulders as she sat at a corner table, overlooking the fountain in the square. Her hair was still fawn, but she usually pinned it up in a chignon these days, instead of letting it fall loosely around her shoulders as she used to. She sat with her legs crossed, her hands on her lap while her black strappy sandals peeped out from the sides of the tablecloth.
She had ordered a Chai Latte already, but she let it grow lukewarm as it remained untouched on the table before her. She regretted it, she regretted all of it. She wished she had replied to his email and made an excuse for not meeting him. The last thing she wanted was to feel any more feelings.
She heard someone clear his throat close to her and Sue jerked her head away from the French windows to find Gerard standing beside her. The smile on his face appeared to be despondent, rather than enthusiastic.
“Hello, Sue” His voice surprised her. It was exactly the way she remembered it; boyish and jovial. He looked the way he did in the photograph she had seen of him recently. His dark head of hair was graying, especially around his temples. His clean white shirt hung from his square shoulders and she noticed how he wasn’t as skinny as before. The same Rolex watch peeped out from the hem of his cuffs as he walked over to the chair opposite her and sat down noiselessly. She noticed how he had traded his usual Khaki pants for finely tailored trousers. She had only smiled at him weakly, without having verbally responded to his greeting earlier.
“How are you, Sue?” he asked her, the smile disappeared from his face.
“I’m well, Gerard. And you?” She smiled at him awkwardly. Surprisingly, he still smelled of coffee and it had a powerful nostalgic effect on her, which she couldn’t escape.
He nodded his head in response and turned to catch a waiter’s eye. They both sat in silence till the waiter appeared and Gerard ordered a black coffee and a Tuna sandwich for himself.
“Would you like something to eat, Sue?” He turned to her, but she shook her head at the waiter, even though she could feel her stomach rumbling with hunger.
“Long time, huh?” he laughed awkwardly and steepled his hands on the table. Sue smiled at him and dropped her gaze immediately. She knew she was blushing, but couldn’t stop herself. It reminded her of the first time they had met, at the Fresher’s party in college. She had spilled an entire bottle of beer on his clothes by accident and when their eyes met, they were both blushing.
“Congratulations, again,” she said stupidly. She regretted saying it the moment the words left her mouth. “I mean, for making the Forbes list,” she over-explained and hated herself for it.
“Thank you, again,” he said and looked away from her. He wasn’t smiling anymore.
“What have you been up to?” he asked suddenly and caught her off guard. He didn’t seem nervous at all, even though he had been slightly awkward initially, he seemed to have regained his composure at the expense of her embarrassment.
Sue struggled with the words. “I taught ballet for years, till I gave it up recently,” she managed to say and watched as he raised his eyebrows.
“Why did you do that?” he asked her and also thanked the waiter curtly as he placed the coffee and sandwich before Gerard. Sue looked around the cafe for support, refusing to meet his eyes directly.
“I lost interest,” she said bluntly and he raised his brows again.
“I don’t buy that,” he said as he stirred a cube of sugar into his coffee and picked up the cup.
“I just didn’t want to do it anymore.” She shrugged her shoulders.
“When I knew you, ballet was your lifeblood. What the hell happened?” He took a measured sip of the coffee and looked at her directly. Sue dropped her gaze again and was now fiddling with the fabric of her dress on her lap. Whatever she did, she knew she couldn’t paint a sad and depressing picture of her life to him. She couldn’t afford him the joy of victory.
“I just lost interest,” she asserted again and decided to meet his gaze, as confidently as she could. Besides, what gave him the right to believe he knew her well, that he still knew her well? Gerard smiled suddenly, even after twenty years, she could tell the smile was put-on, too polite.
“That’s too bad,” he said and took a bite of his sandwich. “Why aren’t you eating anything? You’re as skinny as ever.” He looked at her like he was making a joke.
“I had a late lunch,” she said defensively and looked away from him. So far, their meeting after twenty years was not the way she imagined such meetings to go.
“So what do you do now? After ballet?” he asked, dabbling the corners of his mouth with the folded napkin under his plate.
“I have a few things in the pipeline, haven’t settled on one,” she said and the defensive tone in her voice was open and naked for him to hear. He raised his eyebrow again and grinned, and she was worried he thought she begrudged his success.
“I worked with my husband for several years as his PR agent, but now he’s my ex-husband.” She tried to sound chirpy and neutral.
“Vincent and you are divorced now?” he asked, his eyes widened. Sue’s heart leapt out of her chest, Gerard knows Vincent?
Chapter 3
Gerard must have noticed the look of shock on Sue’s face.
“You seem to be surprised that I’ve heard of your ex-husband,” he laughed and she relaxed a little.
“You didn’t think I read?” He was studying her face as she smiled at him politely.
“I don’t remember you picking up a single book in college,” she said and finally took a sip of her drink, which had gone cold by now. She forced herself to gulp it down.
“I didn’t have the time then, as you very well know,” he said and they fell into an awkward silence for a few seconds.
“How did you two meet, anyway?” He broke the silence and she met his eye again.
“His kid sister was one of my ballet pupils. Vincent used to come by the studio to pick her up from classes from time to time.” She tried sipping her drink again, for the distraction. “Are you married?” she asked and nearly winced at the question. She didn’t really want to hear the response.
“I avoided it like the plague, successfully,” he said and laughed. Sue joined him with an embarrassed, short laugh.
“I read Vincent’s first novel. It did quite well?” She could see an evil gleam in his eyes, his seemingly innocent question was a fatal jab at the fact that Vincent’s second and consequent novels were utter disasters.
“Yes, it did,” she replied quietly and looked away from him. Her initial instinct had been right; he was using this meeting as a show of victory. They were quiet again and Sue watched him pull out his cellphone, which he concentrated on for the next few minutes. His eyes were focused on the screen, his face held together by the same full lips which were now taut and grim as he presumably read his emails. He still had the same big hands and she noted his clean and neatly cut fingernails. The image of his former self, scruffy dark hair and unkempt nails, floated in front of her eyes as she tried to discreetly study him. She couldn’t believe it was the same man. In college, the last thing Gerard cared about was his appearance and twenty years later, she could see the flash of glittering stone cufflinks on his wrists.
“You’re wondering how I’ve changed,” Gerard said to her, without looking away from his phone. Sue blushed immediately and fidgeted around in her seat.
“Well, you’ve changed too,” he continued and carelessly flung his phone on the table to look back at her. Those scrutinizing eyes were focused on her again and Sue could feel another wave of embarrassment overtake her.
“It’s been twenty years,” she said softly, but Gerard didn’t seem to agree.
“Not simply in appearance, actually, you don’t look that different. You’re quieter now,” he said, he seemed to have his own deep thoughts in his head that he was going over. Sue smiled and sighed.
“I’ve grown up is what you mean,” she said, but he still didn’t show any signs of agreeing with her.
“You’re less confident,” he finally said, after a few seconds of silence. Sue was surprised by his words, surprised that he had seen right through her, that she was so transparent to him.
“Well, I’m not twenty anymore. The quiet comes with maturity,” She still tried to hold her ground. She didn’t want to appear weak before him.
“You’ve lost your fiery self and that’s a pity,” he said, rather harshly and Sue glared at him with angered eyes.
“I don’t know what you mean,” she said to him as he drained the coffee from his cup.
“You know what I mean. You’re less demanding. You’re more accepting,” he said and pushed his empty plate towards the center of the table. He was looking about him and snuck a few looks at his watch, while Sue continued glaring at him. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks, but she was frozen in her seat.
“I can’t imagine you liked my demands,” she blurted out and he fixed his gaze on her again, slowly, almost menacingly. She inched back in her chair and dropped her gaze. She wanted him to stop, to stop staring at her like he knew who she was.
“No. But I admired you for it,” he said and stood up suddenly. Sue could feel tears stinging the back of her eyelids and she was glad he was making a move to leave. She refused to look up at his face as he remained standing for a few seconds, above her.
“I have to go, Sue. Urgent business,” he said casually, as though he had no idea the effect his words had on her. Sue kept her head hung low, she didn’t want him to see her struggling to hold her tears back.
“It was nice meeting you,” he said curtly as the waiter joined them and he handed over a few large bills without looking at the receipt.
“Sue,” she heard him say, almost like he was admonishing a naughty child. When she didn’t respond to him for a few seconds, she sensed him walking away.
Sue breathed out loudly, like she had been holding her breath the whole time that Gerard had been sitting there. It was an attempt to keep the tears in. She got up from her chair quickly and hurried out of the cafe. Outside, she could smell the balminess of the air, it was about to rain. She tightened the shawl around her shoulders as she started walking towards her house. She was going to walk home, she decided, even if it took hours.
•••
Sue peeled the wet shawl off her skin and stood in front of the long mirror in her room. Her hair was damp and messy and pasted against her forehead. Her eyeliner was running in black streams down her cheeks, while her lashes were clamped together. She had the appearance of a wild cat caught in the rain and she laughed loudly, maniacally.
She hooked a finger at the back of the strap of her shoes and prized them off her feet, one by one. The soft carpet felt warm and comforting against the damp soles of her feet. She felt miserable.
Sue looked around her bedroom and spotted the empty bottle of whiskey on her bedside table and let out a disappointed sigh. I admired you for it, Gerard’s words haunted her now. She was a joke to him now. She looked at herself in the mirror again for affirmation. Her dress stuck to the outline of her bony body and she shook her head. I need to eat. I need to stop drinking. She said it to herself aloud and walked to the kitchen, dripping rainwater all over the floor.
She made herself a salami sandwich a
nd found an old tub of chocolate ice-cream. She took a bite and it reminded her of how depressed she was and how food was of no importance to her anymore. Why aren’t you eating anything? You’re as skinny as ever. His words came back to her and she forced herself to eat the entire sandwich. She picked up the tub of ice cream from the counter and walked back to her bedroom. The bedroom she had shared with Vincent for ten years, the man she now despised. She didn’t care anymore, so she flung herself, in her wet dress and hair, on to the bed. Her laptop was on the bedside table and she opened it up. The lid of the ice cream tub opened with a loud crack and she stuck a spoon in it and scooped some of the creamy goodness into her mouth as she checked her emails.
The first unread email was from Gerard T. Again. Sue had to blink hard a few times to reassure herself that she wasn’t dreaming or drunk.
Dear Sue,
I apologize that I had to leave so suddenly. I was hoping we would be able to continue our catch-up another time? I’m hosting a small dinner party this Sunday. I look forward to seeing you then. I’ll have my secretary send my home address and directions over to you.
Regards,
Gerard
She couldn’t believe how self-important he sounded. The fact that he simply assumed that she would accept his invitation, that she would even want to see him again, after how rude he was to her. Sue fluffed up a few pillows behind her and sat back in the bed, crossing her arms over her chest. No, she didn’t want to see him again. She didn’t want any more negativity in her life, any more men walking over her. Most of all, she didn’t want Gerard Tate, the guy she had dumped twenty years ago, to make her feel like she was a doormat.