How can there be so many different shades of green? Brittany wondered. There was sage, mint, moss, lime. light, dark, each named with exotic names that only added to her confused state of mind.
It hadn’t taken long for her to conclude the next rooms in line for transforming would be the taupe master bedroom and bath, symbolically important in the reclaiming of her house. From there, she would move to the dining and living rooms, having already chosen the color for them. Their color choice was easier; she would paint them both a pale putty color that blended with the taupe in the kitchen. The front door was on her list, too; it was old, stained wood, dull and faded from the eastern exposure, soon to be enameled a dark blue-green.
But, tonight Brittany occupied herself by sorting through various shades of green for the bedroom, trying to decide which one would be given the task of erasing another reminder of Craig while trying, with no success, to distract Shadow from thinking they were for him to play with.
Even she could tell that any greens mixed with yellow wouldn’t work. She sorted those samples out, tossing the discarded paint chips to the foot of the bed in hopes her hyperactive kitten would relocate. She flipped over on her back to be immediately attacked by Shadow, quickly bored with the inanimate paint chips, preferring a real live playmate. She gave up on the chips deciding play time sounded good to her, too. Adopting him had been a good decision, at least now she could voice out loud some of what was rolling through her brain and not feel totally crazy. Plus, he made her laugh.
Putting her mark on the kitchen was a rather simple fix, despite the laborious taping. But, after experiencing how laborious the process was, she didn’t want the other rooms to become long and drawn out projects, nor did she want to assume the pressure, on top of everything else she was dealing with. So, the following morning she began combing the internet to find someone with good referrals that she could afford.
Jeanne suggested she look on Angie’s List, where Brittany quickly found someone who was both affordable and was available to begin immediately. They agreed he should come over the following weekend to bid the job.
Now, to her amusement, Shadow was again pouncing relentlessly on the color swatches, tossing them in the air and attacking them like they were rodents needing to be shown who was boss. His playfulness was catching and she began tossing them into the air with him—soon the room was strewn with the discarded chips, but better still, it rang with Brittany’s laughter.
***
Over four weeks passed and Brittany did not hear one peep from Craig, other than through his attorney’s office. She, per his request, resisted recurring urges to contact him. She couldn’t help but wonder if he’d given any thought about the possible toll terminating seven years of their combined lives had taken on her. A week earlier his attorney’s office called, asking for her to stop by to sign some additional paperwork. With some amusement she could tell Allan Chandler didn’t recognize her in street clothes, after watching his facial expression change when he connected the dots.
“Well I’ll never forget the robe and slippers, but wasn’t your hair different, too?” he asked, reminding her that some impressions are lasting. They both laughed, although his comment bugged her. Rather than let her irritation show, she told him if he liked long hair she had a baggie full of it that she would be happy to give him. He refrained from asking her why she retained her hair in a baggie, and for the second time he entertained the fleeting thought that he hoped she was getting some counseling.
Brittany had taken no notice of him their first encounter, but now had to admit to herself how attractive he was—she doubted she would have recognized him at all after their first meeting. And he had the nerve to remind her what she was wearing that day!
***
Her emotions leveled off after the first several days of completely breaking down after Craig left. She credited some of her now neutral emotional state to having been left financially sound, something she knew was unusual and she did not take for granted. In an attempt to analyze her reactions, or lack of them, she pulled out her old counseling notes along with her journal, to see if there was anything there that might help her process what she was going through.
While the counseling had served to help her better understand her complicated relationship with her mother, in hindsight she recognized a clear trail of how she had found denial a comfortable place to exist, rather than standing up for herself by addressing issues when they happened. Am I in denial now? She wondered, thinking it unlikely in light of his brutal exit.
Remembering some of the exercises from her previous therapy, she decided to examine what their life was like during the two years before Craig left. Reviving those memories helped her identify some subtle changes in their habits that, had she been watching for them then, might have been red flags. She could also identify patterns of behavior that had crept in so stealthily neither of them seemed to noticed.
Most notably, they had fallen out of the habit of calling each other during the day to check in, and simultaneously, their interactive dinner times had all but disappeared. For at least the last calendar year television had replaced conversation during their meals, or Craig was distracted by work he brought home from the office. She, similarly, would be flipping through magazines or working.
It had happened so gradually neither of them had noticed that their one deliberated vow to claim that part of the day to focus on each other had disappeared. Sadly, neither of them apparently missed it.
***
While she was contemplating shades of green, Jeanne called to invite her to join them for dinner the following weekend, insisting they would not take “No” for an answer. Brittany knew they were concerned she was spending too much time alone and concluded they were probably right. What gene did I inherit that makes me prefer to seal myself away from outside input? She wondered, consoling herself that everyone processed things differently and this was normal for her. Plus, the role modeling from either of her parents was to keep the messy parts of life private. So, because of that, she refused to consider her choices as unhealthy, despite how it might look to some of her friends, and in particular, some friends from work who in similar circumstances, had immediately rushed out to regain the social life they felt entitled to.
The weekend came all too quickly. While she was dressing for dinner, the phone rang. It was Jeanne. “Brittany, we didn’t want to surprise you, or have you think we manipulated you, but the dinner plans have changed somewhat. Someone else is joining us for dinner tonight, also—and, no, it isn’t a man.”
“Well who is it then?” Brittany asked her, a little too crisply, fighting the impulse to be annoyed at the change in plans. Jeanne ignored her tone, going on to explain, “A good friend has been in the area for the last few days doing a seminar. I’m sure we’ve mentioned her to you before; her name is Gloria Zachery. Anyway, she wasn’t sure she would have time to see us and we had given up on it, but she just called and asked if we wanted to join her for dinner. I told her we had a dinner guest coming over and asked her to join us here instead. I will understand if you don’t feel like coming, and either way you will get dinner.” Jeanne added in a pleading tone, “But, please, please come!”
After, what seemed like a very significant pause, Brittany spoke, “Yes, of course I’m coming. She’s your friend and I remember you mentioning her to me in the past.” She added, “I’m coming, but I wouldn’t if she was a he!”
Jeanne quickly responded, “I hear you, and there’s no fear of that happening, so not to worry. Matchmaking is way more responsibility than either Randy or I am willing to take on. I’ll stick with food.” They both laughed, leaving Jeanne greatly relieved that Brittany hadn’t taken offense to the sudden change in plans.
When the call ended, Brittany did have second thoughts. After a brief panic attack, she decided a change of clothes was called for. When in doubt change clothes three times, she thought, thinking that idea could be a good topic for an article in her m
agazine. For some reason, the process of reexamining her wardrobe always boosted her confidence.
When she stepped inside the Stone’s living room Gloria walked up to her, offering her right hand and saying, “I am so very pleased to meet you, Brittany. The Stones were certain I would love you on sight and they were right. I would have felt terrible if you stayed home because of me!”
Any reservations on Brittany’s part vanished. She couldn’t help but like her, relaxing immediately. It was going to be a nice evening, and a much needed night out.
Gloria had dark brown eyes that sparkled with amber flecks, surrounded by lush, long lashes. Her almost black hair was pulled back from her petite, oval face and while she was tiny in stature, she had an irresistible presence, and a boatload of style. Brittany decided an evening out with friends was just what the doctor ordered.
The dinner was simple but delicious. Jeanne was a fabulous cook, and even the simplest fare always included one spice or distinguishing ingredient that made her guests inquire what her secret was; tonight was no exception. They dined on strip steaks, twice-baked potatoes, and grilled asparagus topped with a hollandaise sauce that Brittany wanted to lick off her plate. What made the hollandaise different, Jeanne told her later, was that she added tarragon. It was a groaning-good dinner.
After dinner the foursome settled in the sectional in the living room to enjoy the fire blazing in the fireplace brownies that were layered with York Peppermint Patties and topped with a generous scoop of peppermint ice cream.
The dinner conversation had, for the most part, been centered on Gloria’s seminars and her busy schedule going forward. For Brittany’s benefit, she explained what attending one of them would be like. Gloria was the main event, teaching and singing at each event. Brittany could see what an effective speaker she would be; her joy of life was contagious. But, she soon found out that the Gloria, who was sitting across from her now, was very different from the Gloria of a couple decades ago.
It took little urging for Gloria to open up about, as she described it, her “past life”. She explained how she quit college after two years to become a flight attendant, and had cast aside every red flag that presented itself to caution her about what she was getting into. But, because several of her sorority sisters had already crossed over the lineand romanticized the lifestyle, she wanted it, too. She flew for eleven years both domestically and internationally.
Without any embellishment, she explained how in the blink of an eye she had traded away her very conservative and Christian moral code to participate wholeheartedly in a lifestyle that was rife with every kind of compromise she had been raised to be horrified by. She said how thankful she was for Christian parents and grandparents who, she now realized, prayed her through it.
Then, while on a layover in Denver, two of her flying buddies invited her to go with them to a Billy Graham crusade. She walked away from the event a believer in Jesus Christ. “I grew up in a Christian family, and believed I was a Christian, but it was never personal for me. I now know that is why it was so easy for me to fall away with so little conviction.
“When I look back on that night, I know my being at that meeting was arranged by God. Neither of the girls who suggested we go went forward, or ever mentioned it to me again, but they were who got me there. I’m not sure that any of us knew exactly what it was we were going to, and I never would have gone on my own. Believe it or not, at the time I had no idea who Billy Graham was, but when he said for us to, “get up out of your seats”, I literally felt a hand on my back pushing me forward. I even looked behind me to see who it was who pushed me. To this day if I think about it, I can feel the pressure on my back.” She smiled one of those far away smiles that someone in love might have when they were talking about a romantic getaway.
“So you quit flying because of that one night?” Brittany asked, incredulous, and more than curious at how that experience could so completely alter one’s destiny.
“Well, no, not exactly. I now believe God had already begun making me more and more uncomfortable with the compromises that I continued to make in order to keep flying. But, yes, that night was what propelled me to plan my exit. I quit flying that same month and I have never looked back. I knew I had been forgiven, and I wanted to reclaim the years that I traded away for God for him. While I had no regrets while I was living the lifestyle, after that night I was not only convicted, but I knew that I needed to put as much distance between the temptations and myself as soon as possible.”
Gloria further explained how after leaving her career in the air she decided to go back to school to get her degree. She promptly joined the university’s choir, partly because she missed singing, and partly because it was an easy three credit hours. Her choir director began mentoring her, detecting her exceptional voice. He asked if she would mind his sharing recordings of her singing with some business associates that he was acquainted with who he recalled were on the hunt for acts for some of their events. So, with his help, she began singing professionally, earning enough to keep her head above water.
One of the CD’s took on a life of its own and found its way to someone who was looking for someone to bring a musical element into her ministry. That opportunity led to the next door opening, and the next. She now had her own ministry named “Out from the Ashes”, where she both sang, and taught principles of healing and wholeness through receiving God’s “Shalom” found in faith in Jesus Christ.
Before the evening ended, email addresses and phone numbers were exchanged, along with promises to keep in touch.
It was evident the Stones were extremely happy the two women hit it off. Later Brittany told Jeanne that she was a matchmaker after all. Brittany returned home that night feeling hopeful, but in a way she had never felt before nor expected to.
For the first time, and quite unexpectedly, she considered there might be a purpose for what she had been through.
Chapter Seven
If Brittany was pondering ways of finding purpose for her own life, her brother Brent wasted no time in seizing the day by moving in with her mother. He is a Carpe Diem kind of guy was Brittany’s first thought, after being informed by a mutual friend that he had moved into the family home with her mother.
After confronting her mother the excuse she offered Brittany, apparently feeling the need to fabricate one for her benefit, was that his being there was only temporary and totally justifiable because Brent was trying to save up money for the start-up costs needed for him to open a business of his own. When Brittany pressed her mother for an explanation about what kind of business he would be opening her answer was so lame Brittany bet her cat a night on the town that her brother would never leave. She couldn’t help but wonder how Sarah felt about the new arrangement.
There was only one other time she and Sarah saw each other, and that was on Easter Sunday, when another family gathering was attempted. Brittany, forecasting how stiff the day would inevitably be, would have preferred to be anywhere else. But, her curiosity to see how the living arrangements were proceeding with a wedding about to take place won in the end. I must be a masochist, she mused on the drive over.
With some relief, Brittany could see that Sarah appeared to be less than thrilled at the prospect of spending life after their honeymoon in her mother-in-law’s guestroom. Later, when Alma and Brittany were alone in the kitchen preparing dessert, Alma assured her the plan was for Brent and his bride to have the master bedroom, and how she intended to surprise by moving down the hall to the guest room—and how Sarah would, “love it”. All Brittany could muster in response to that offering of information was “How romantic.”
Shortly thereafter Brittany mentioned the upcoming wedding to her mother, sensing something was amiss. In a clipped voice her mother informed her Sarah had returned her engagement ring to Brett and how she had warned Brent in the beginning that Sarah was flaky. The engagement ring had been Alma’s mothers, so Brittany was pretty sure that might have also become a sticking point,
a little too much in-law on every level. She was glad that her almost sister-in-law had the foresight to run and not walk.
Whenever Brittany would stop by to see her mother, which happened more and more infrequently, Brent now felt empowered to be critical of Brittany. It began with his dropping not very subtle innuendos about Craig’s having left her, and then more recently, personal comments that he directed at Brittany’s personality, finally accusing her of not giving Alma enough attention or support.
After the third stinging incident with Brent Brittany felt she had no choice but to ask her mother to set some boundaries with her brother. Unfortunately, she couldn’t resist asking her how long Brent would be living there. The words were barely spoken before she was asked to, “Please leave”, followed by a, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you” directive. Brittany could only imagine the level of righteousness indignation that followed her exit. She had been tolerant of them in a way they would never be toward her, and was relieved to not have to do the dance for a while.
Several weeks later another family friend, who was also the executor of her father’s will, called Brittany to notify her that her mother had signed off on Brittany’s portion of the trust and that she could have it in full immediately on the condition she would sign an agreement accepting that her brother would one day get the house in exchange for taking care of her mother. It was a huge admission of what kind of arrangement it was in reality. So, in black and white, the terms were that he would not be leaving and Brittany was being written off. It galled her, but she signed. The trust money, while not enough to pay off her mortgage entirely, it was sufficient to allow her to stay in her home, and that was a huge weight lifted.
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