“Sorry, I probably shouldn’t be in here. Mom and Tracy went out to run an errand, and I just wanted to say hi.” I love Michael’s voice. It moves through me and fills me and makes the world disappear.
“Hi.” I wave. “Thanks again for the use of the computer.”
He just shrugs it off and sits next to me. Close enough that our knees touch, sending my heart into a weird flutter.
“What’cha working on?” he asks.
“Photos.”
“Can I see?”
“Of course.” I turn the computer so he can.
“Wow.” He flips through a few. “I know this is our school but the shapes and colors…” He scrolls through a few of people. Shots I took on the morning after I got kicked out of my house.
I know in a couple of shots will be the one of Michael, my favorite picture of him, looking relaxed and happy to see me. “You did a great job capturing all the people.” He stops at his picture. “I didn’t know you took that.” He looks at his picture carefully.
I’ve spent some time looking at that one too. An embarrassing amount. He gaze shifts to mine.
I shrug. “It’s what I do. You know for the yearbook and the paper.” If he knows how much I like him, it will feel like rejection when we continue to be friends because that’s what we’ll continue to be. Friends. I’m sure of it. No matter how he occasionally looks at me, he doesn’t feel it. Not like I do.
“Right.” His eyes rest on mine for a moment longer, and then back to my photos. He flips through a few more. “I’d love to see the world the way you do.”
Michael’s small comment fills me with pride that I don’t think I’ve ever fully felt over my photos. I smile at him next to me and bump his shoulder with mine.
His smile spreads as we touch, and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kiss someone as badly as I want to kiss him right now. I swear he leans in, just slightly. Just enough that I forget to breathe.
“We’re home. Where are you two?” Collette calls.
“See you.” He raises his eyebrows at me once and sprints out of my room.
Guess he’s not supposed to be in here. I laugh a little. It’s not like he could get me pregnant, even he was interested.
11
Monday morning I sit for a few minutes in front of the mirror, and with just a little work, I manage to fix my hair up the way Tracy did yesterday. I borrow her mascara and use some lip-gloss that Collette brought me from the store. I slide on her ballet flats and follow Tracy and Michael out the door.
I get through the school day much better than on Friday. I decide it doesn’t matter what people are whispering about, and I’ll just keep doing what I know to do. I’m smart. I’m a good student. I can keep being those things.
Drowning out gossip is pretty easy when you always have a friend nearby. The Mormon kids are still watching out for me. I finish my school day feeling better than I have since this whole mess started. Michael and Tracy are probably already waiting for me and if they’re not, I want to make sure they don’t have to. I hitch my pack up and step outside the school.
“Dani!” I turn my head around to see Lucas standing in front of my school. Lucas, who’s supposed to be in Fairbanks. My heart stops and then drops into my stomach.
I try to regroup so I can form a sentence when we’re face to face. I shove my backpack further up on my shoulder, again, and walk forward. I have no idea what to say to him.
“Dani,” he says more quietly as I get closer. He looks happy to see me, smiling widely. He surprises me by putting his arms around me and holding me tightly.
I’m still in shock that he’s here. I think about how many times I’ve fantasized about being this close to Lucas Crawford. I breathe in deeply enjoying the closeness. When he pulls away, he does it slowly, leaving our faces together.
“I’m so sorry, Dani. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He moves his hand from my back to touch my face.
I look down at another borrowed pair of Tracy’s shoes against the grey sidewalk. “I figured that if you wanted to talk, you’d call.”
“Dani, if I had called, your parents probably wouldn’t have let you come see me again. And I wanted to see you again,” he says.
“So we could have a repeat of my last visit?” I ask. I don’t mean for it to sound so snide. I can’t imagine him wanting more than that from me.
His face turns to a scowl, but it looks like I’ve offended him. “I want to do the right thing here.”
“Then give me the signed papers.” I’m afraid to believe he could want more. Could he want more? I don’t move.
He tips our faces until our lips come together. He kisses me softly, and it tingles slowly through my body then pulls back just far enough to talk.
“But what if… What if we did this together? I mean, we could get married and have this baby and…” Lucas’s hazel eyes stare into mine. He’s older than me. He looks it. He looks like a man. He’s offering to take care of me.
I can’t believe what he’s suggesting. What he’s asking of me. I want it. I want him.
He’s still smiling, and I stand frozen, my brain running in circles. This was my first thought. My dream of dreams that I knew wouldn’t be able to happen. I feel relief for the first time since I crammed the test into my sweatshirt pocket. I’ve been saved. I can have my family back, and I get my life back.
I start to smile back at him but then it stops. Lucas won’t understand about my Mormon friends, and I know right now, in this moment, I can’t give them up. What started out as a journey for my unborn baby has turned into a journey for me. I’m not able to let that go. Not now. As much as I want Lucas to be the right thing for me, he’s not.
There’s just the quietest whisper of a feeling, but the meaning is clear. I think I’m going to be sick. Here’s Lucas, standing in front of me, in all his perfection, asking me to marry him, and I can’t do it. My eyes are back on the ground.
I knew this baby wasn’t mine from the beginning. As much as I want to throw my arms back around Lucas and say yes, I know I can’t. I’m starting to get good at following my feelings, but right now, it really sucks. Tears prick at my eyes.
“Hel-loo? Dani?” Lucas is staring, his eyes a little questioning.
I snap out of my cycle of thought and look at him again.
“I just sort of proposed to you, and you’re spacing out on me.”
Great, so I’m the spacey girl again. I like being the girl with a great imagination. I’m not sure if I can look at him. The buses are gone, and the parking lot is empty.
“You don’t even know me Lucas, not really.” It’s horrible, but true. I think about the kind of marriage the missionaries taught me about. The forever kind. I’m not even close to that with Lucas, but I know it’s what I want. I just hope I recognize my forever when it happens.
“But…” His brow furrows.
I wonder how many girls have said no to Lucas. More importantly, I wonder how many girls have said yes?
“I realize it’s every girl’s dream to be proposed to in front on her high school while pregnant…” Maybe that’s harsh. I take a breath in. What can I say to him? “We don’t know each other at all.” I shake my head. “This baby isn’t mine.”
“Well, Dani, what are people going to think?” Worry fills his voice.
“I’ve been kicked out of my house. Everyone in my high school knows I’m the pregnant girl. How much worse can it get?”
He stuffs his hands in his pockets. Now I understand. It’s him he’s worried about.
“Don’t worry, Lucas.” I fold my arms across my chest. “I’ve told no one you’re the dad.” A moment ago I felt happy. I looked at a future I really wanted. Now I feel completely and totally rejected. It’s too much. “I just need the signed papers.” I take a careful breath in. Please don’t cry in front of Lucas. Please don’t cry in front of Lucas. Please… I pull my arms tighter across my chest.
“So, that’s it?”
“T
hat’s it.” It comes out sharper than I mean it to, but I’m concentrating on very little outside of not crying.
“Okay.” He moves slowly, still maybe partially unsure but he reaches into his back pocket and hands me an envelope. “They’re signed.”
I choke out a laugh as I fight back tears. The fact that they’re signed and ready to go speaks volumes. I take the envelope from him and fold it into my arms. I shouldn’t have been flattered by his sort-of proposal. He was simply saving face.
“Thanks.” I start to walk away.
“You know Dani, it wouldn’t kill you to let someone in. I meant every word. I like you. I would have come down to see you no matter what. We could have maybe made it work.” A pause. “Call me…if you want.”
“See ya, Lucas,” I say as I walk back to the school. I feel a tear slide down my cheek, and don’t look back.
As soon as I step in the first set of doors, Michael’s there. He’s been watching. He probably saw me kiss Lucas, saw his arms around me. I hate that he saw that. He glances down at the envelope in my hands.
“Was that the dad?” he asks quietly, even though we’re the only ones around.
I quickly smudge away the tears on my cheek. “Yep. Lucas. I got what I needed.” I hold up my envelope.
“Everything you need from him is in that envelope?” He looks at me as if there’s no way I can be telling the truth.
“Yep.” My crazy emotions betray me, and I have to keep wiping tears.
“I don’t believe you, Dani.” For the second time since the school bell rang, a good, completely unattainable boy, takes me in his arms.
I lean into Michael anyway. Glad to have someone so willing to comfort me. I know this moment won’t last long so I pull on him with my arms and rest my head on his chest, soaking him in while I can and letting myself cry.
~ ~ ~
“I’m ready to get baptized,” I say from the backseat. My heart thrums wildly, and I’m a bit in disbelief at what I’m doing, but it feels good, so I’m going with it.
“What?” Tracy turns in the passenger’s seat to look at me.
“I’m eighteen, my parents’ have already kicked me out, what else could possibly happen?”
“You should have Michael do it!” Tracy’s smiling wide now. “It’ll be good practice for his mission.”
“You can do that?” I’m still a little confused with how it all works, but to have Michael be the one to do it…that would be amazing. The perfect beginning or end or whatever.
“I can do that.” His smile is huge. “But only if you want me to . I’m sure one of the missionaries would also be happy to do it.”
“I’d like it if you would.” Is his smile real? Does he really want to do this for me?
“Wow, did Dani just ask for something she wanted?” Tracy laughs.
My eyes catch Michael’s in the rearview mirror, and I’m immediately glad I asked.
He’s thrilled. It’s all over his face.
~ ~ ~
I’m nervous on the morning of my baptism. I want some huge sign that I’m doing the right thing. It doesn’t come. I still know it’s the right thing, but the feeling is so quiet. It’s quiet like it was when I first talked to Michael about my unborn baby. It’s quiet like it was when I said ‘no’ to Lucas in front of my school. Its quiet but gentle and pushing me forward. I want more than a quiet idea that I’m doing the right thing but don’t get it.
I know what the process will be. I have the same soft feeling as I step into the water. It’s interrupted by something different when Michael’s gentle hands carefully dip me under the surface, but it’s still there. I want to throw my arms around him and kiss him when he pulls me back up, but don’t.
When I sit down to be confirmed a member of the church I’m in partial disbelief at what I just did. At what I’m doing. They say words of encouragement, and I hear “strength”, “determination” and “strong spirit” several times. I want to remember everything, to soak it all up.
Before I know it, we’re heading home. It all happened so fast.
I feel like I should distance myself from Michael when we get back to his house, and end up on the couch with Tracy. What’s crazy is that I didn’t even sit like this with my sisters. My own family. Tracy and I talk, but not a lot. Michael and I talk, but I can’t tell him how I feel. We work in silence.
Lucas is right on one thing. I don’t let people in.
~ ~ ~
Nothing could have prepared me for school the next day. Every single one of Michael and Tracy’s friends from church are coming up to me and giving me high fives, hugs, pats on the back. The attention I’d already been getting from them doubles. I belong, and I feel good about it.
Even though my family still isn’t speaking to me, I have support. I have backup. I have people.
12
Time is flying. I’ve settled into a routine with Michael, Tracy, and their mom. It involves me keeping to myself a bit because I still feel like an intruder here. Michael is nice, as always, but he feels more polite than I want him to. There’s only a few more weeks until graduation. I’m still not sure what I’ll do with myself. A knock at my door pulls my from my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
Michael’s head appears around the side of the door. “Hey, do you want to go somewhere with me?”
Anywhere. I just nod. We haven’t been alone for a while, not since the day he sat on my bed to look at pictures.
I climb into the passenger’s side of his car and he takes off down the road. He drives across town and pulls us into the parking lot of the downtown mall.
“Really? The mall?” I tease. “I was waiting for some spiritual journey.”
He laughs. “I just thought it would be fun to be somewhere that nobody knows you. Where you can walk around and just be you.”
It suddenly seems like a really nice gesture. I feel the warmth from him that I’ve missed. He comes to let me out of my side of the car, and takes my hand in his. I don’t want to question for fear it will stop. I don’t think we’re this way, but maybe I’m wrong.
He must notice my hesitation. “When was the last time someone touched you, held your hand or gave you a hug when they didn’t want something from you?” h e asks.
I don’t know. Missing my family slices through my chest. Daniel’s smirk. Hannah’s eye-rolling. Mom’s cooking. Everything.
“I like you.” He squeezes my hand. “We’re friends . T his is not a big deal.”
I hope we don’t run into anyone we know. Would it be embarrassing for him? It’s almost embarrassing for me, that he’s doing me this odd favor , but I don’t want him to let go.
How would Michael and I look inside the confines of my camera lens? Like a couple for sure. Probably a married couple. I’m pregnant, we’re comfortable with each other. We laugh, we talk, and he never takes his hand from mine. We share a dozen Mrs. Fields cookies and start the drive home. It’s all over way too fast.
We’re laughing when we walk in the front door. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed like this. Collette doesn’t look as welcoming as she usually does. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s sensing the mood of the people around me. I’m an observer, always have been.
My stomach sinks as silence hangs between the three of us. I excuse myself and go to my room, afraid that everything I gained from my afternoon with Michael will be lost if I don’t get away.
~ ~ ~
An hour later, I hear a knock at my door. “It’s Collette, Dani.”
“Come on in.”
“Hey Dani.” She has this really awkward smile plastered on. “Can I sit?”
I gesture to the foot of the bed. I’m sitting up working on homework. Anything to keep my mind from her odd stare when Michael and I returned today.
“Are you aware that Michael leaves in September for his mission?”
“Yeah, I think it’s great.” As sad as I know I’ll be when he’s gone, I’m glad he’s so dedicated.
“As his mom , I’m a little concerned.” She looks like she doesn’t know how to continue, taking in a few purposeful breaths and shifting her position twice on the end of my bed. “About how distracted he’s getting…with you.”
Part of me wants to laugh. That Michael feels toward me the way she’s suggesting… “Um… I guess I know what you’re saying , but there’s no way your son feels that way about me. He’s just been a good friend. That’s all. I’m really excited for him to go on his mission.” I’m trying to reassure her even though ‘excited’ is not the word I’d use. I think he should, so I want him to, but I don’t want to think about not seeing him for two years.
My Forever (The Next Door Boys) Page 9