15
“Sister LeClaire, I’m Bishop Phillips. It’s nice to meet you.” He’s a tall, clean-cut man who looks not quite old enough to have his job.
“You, too.” I shake his hand.
“Have a few minutes?” he asks. Church meetings have just finished up, and there’s a swarm outside his door.
“Do you?” I joke. I remember my first meeting with Michael’s bishop and how scared I was. It seems silly now.
He laughs. “Yep, you just follow me in. Don’t let anyone elbow you out of the way, alright?”
“I’ll do my best. People are generally nice to the pregnant girl.”
“I would hope so.” He chuckles a little as I follow him into his office.
“What can I do for you?” I ask as I sit down on the opposite side of his desk.
“Oh, nothing, really. I’m about to ask you the same question.” A corner of his mouth pulls up as he leans back in his chair.
“Well, as overwhelming as Jackie’s family is, they really want to help me out . I have a little money saved up . I’ll be looking for a small job to last me the summer, and I think that’s it.” I shrug.
“You’re a new member.” He reclines in his chair.
“Very.”
“Well, I want to warn you now, this downtown ward is kind of an odd one. There are a few trendy apartments that attract the poor college students who want to be part of the downtown scene, and you’ve seen some of the houses next to you girls and around you on the lakeside—we get them too.”
“And where do you fall?” I ask.
“Somewhere in between. I’m a quasi-retired architect who lives in a building I turned into a house.”
“Cool.” It seems impressive and interesting.
“Well, Jackie has all the ward lists. You have good home teachers and don’t ever be afraid to call me if you need anything.”
“Thanks.” I shake his hand again. “I’m headed to church social services and my new doctor this week.”
“A little overwhelming?” he asks. “This is a lot to deal with. You’re going to get to grow up fast.”
I laugh a little. “I don’t see how that’s possible, mooching off people the way I do.”
“Don’t say that.” He shakes his head. “It takes a lot of courage to ask for help. No one wants to do it. Remember that you’d help someone in your same position and love doing it.”
“Thanks again.” I stand up. He’s nice. “I think you’re needed.” I gesture to the door with my head.
“I’m sure I am.”
How can I be doing this? Living in Seattle, going to my new Mormon church and talking with someone I’ve never met like a regular person and not some kid?
~ ~ ~
“Welcome back Dani. Looks like we haven’t scared you away.” Clint takes me in a big hug when Jackie and I arrive for dinner.
“No, you didn’t scare me away,” I smile already more comfortable with him that I thought I’d be when I left Alaska. I feel pretty. I’m still in the red dress Jackie picked out for me to wear to church.
“Is that you Dani?” I hear Heidi call out from inside.
“Yep! It’s me!” I call back. This feels good. I get through the entry and Michael gives me a big hug before I can get to the kitchen where Heidi is. I hug him back and breathe him in. I love that he’s less reserved here.
“Okay, break it up you two or no one will believe you’re just friends.” Jackie laughs. She pecks Michael on the cheek on her way to help her mom in the kitchen. I’m envious of her easy way with him.
“What’s for dinner?” Jackie asks.
“We’re having a roast, fresh rolls and salad.” I hear Heidi say to her as we walk in.
“And who cooked all that?”
“Someone at Smokehouse catering.” She winks. “Spare the lecture, I picked it up yesterday.”
“Mom doesn’t cook,” Jackie explains as I follow them to the kitchen, Michael’s hand resting lightly on my lower back.
“Oh.” I can’t imagine a mom who doesn’t cook. Those two things just seem to go together. Or, they used to go together.
I sit next to Michael, and listen and observe the way I like to do. Jackie and I have to leave before it gets too late. She doesn’t like walking from her car to the entry of her housing community in the dark.
I’m sad to say goodbye to Michael because I’m sure I won’t see him this week, but I feel more comfortable in the house and we have a whole summer of Sundays before he leaves. I’m trying really hard to focus on the first part of that, and not the second.
~ ~ ~
“Your appointments are today, right?” Jackie’s voice is way too chipper for nine am. “I’ve cleared my whole schedule, when do we leave?” Jackie is honestly excited about driving me around to stupid appointments all day. I don’t know how she lives with the kind of enthusiasm she does.
~ ~ ~
“So, here’s the head,” the lady technician explains. “You can see the eyes and the face here…” She points, and I look.
I don’t know if I want to look. Do I want to see the baby that won’t be mine? I feel like if I don’t embrace the process that I’ll cheat this baby out of the experience it should have while in utero. Maybe that’s weird. I want the baby to feel loved. Even if it’s just by me.
“Oh, now we’re getting to the good stuff,” the lady says. Jackie is bursting with excitement. “Oh, here we are…it’s a girl.”
Jackie lets out a little squeal.
A girl. At least I don’t have to call the baby “it” or “baby” anymore. She’s now a little girl. Wow.
“Oh…a little girl,” Jackie croons. “Think of all the fun pretty things…” Jackie’s in her own little world of plastic money and shopping bags. I can tell. It’s okay. She likes it there. She’s such a welcome distraction from the thoughts that want to run into my head that I don’t know how I would have done this without her.
~ ~ ~
We get to the adoption office, and Jackie waits while I sit down with my new counselor to make sure all my paperwork is correct. They have all the boring details that accompany a move.
She ushers us into a room where I can look at possible adoptive families. This is the big thing. The important part for me. Jackie takes one side of their table, and I take the other. Each of us has a notebook of possible families.
I begin excited but go through the book quickly and nothing hits me. I start at the beginning again, flipping the pages over and over. I stare at the names and faces, waiting for that small voice to tell me what to do. Nothing comes. I turn the next page and stare. Nothing. What am I going to do? This is ridiculous. I have so little time left.
The family will need time to prepare, and I need to feel the peace I know will come when I get this part taken care of. I sigh and flip another page, not expecting anything at this point. Any one of these families would be great. Does it really matter so much? Would a roll of the dice work? Or pick a page number or… But I know neither of these things are right. I have to feel it. To know it. I need that.
Apparently I stay on a page for too long because Jackie sets her book aside and peers over at the smiling couple on the page in front of me.
“Them?” she asks.
I shake my head.
“Whew.” Jackie relaxes back into her seat. “Look at her shoes.”
I look at the lady’s shoes. They’re worn out tennis shoes. I don’t mind that much.
“I need to feel it…”
“Here.” She points to her chest. “I know.” She gives me a look that makes me remember there’s more to Jackie than what comes out of her mouth. “Just please don’t feel it here.” She points at her chest again. “When someone is wearing shoes like those.” She points back to the picture.
I laugh, once again glad Jackie’s with me. Nothing can be heavy or serious with her around. I’m starting to get used to it, and I have a feeling it’ll save me more than once through this whole mess.
&
nbsp; ~ ~ ~
When we get home I’m both emotionally and physically exhausted. Maybe doing both in the same day wasn’t such a good idea. It’s hot out so I change into a bathing suit Jackie got me. As far as I can tell, there’s nothing she didn’t think of. I can’t even think about how much money she spent.
I sit on the edge of the dock to put my feet in the water. Just a little over a week, and I’m happily swishing my feet around in the black looking water—the water I didn’t like the look of when I first arrived.
“Hey there!” Michael’s walking up the aisle way with a pizza box in his hand.
“It’s a girl!” Jackie yells as Michael hits our dock.
He waves in acknowledgement. I watch his face. He doesn’t know how to react to the news. The little girl won’t be sticking around. Do you still congratulate? What do you say?
I don’t know what I want to hear from him so I guess it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do. He’s still dressed from the workday. His tie and jacket are gone, but he’s in his dress shirt and suit pants. I let myself fantasize about him coming home from work like this to me, every day. It takes my breath away, even though I let myself dream it up and know it’s not real.
“There’s shorts and a T-shirt for you on the couch downstairs,” Jackie tells him.
Michael pauses for a second, setting down the pizza box. “Thanks.” He disappears inside and comes outside appropriately dressed for the weather.
He sits next to me to puts his feet in the water. Jackie’s eating her pizza while thumbing through magazines.
“How did your visit at the church office go today?” He leans back to get us each a slice from the box.
“Okay.”
“Any luck on the parental front?”
I shake my head.
“You look discouraged.”
“It’s so hard to hear,” I try to explain.
“Hear what?”
“When I felt like I should join the church, it was so subtle, so quiet, that I feel like I almost missed it.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No, I didn’t. But before that, when I knew what I wanted to do with this little baby girl, that was quiet too.” I stop for a moment. “Lucas proposed.”
“What?” Michael’s head snaps up to look at me and he almost drops his dinner.
“Who’s Lucas?” Jackie asks from behind us.
“The father.” We answer at the same time. We stare at each other though, not Jackie.
“Oh.” Her eyebrows go up and then she takes another bite of pizza. Her magazine is only temporarily forgotten.
“Why didn’t you tell me? What happened?” He’s intent on me. I didn’t realize what a big deal it was.
“Same quiet voice. It wasn’t the right thing,” I say. Michael’s gaze is too intense and I look away. “I wanted to say yes. I’ve liked him since middle school.”
“What happened?” Michael asks again, quiet this time.
“Didn’t feel right.” I look down at the water, I throw in my crust, the fish or the birds will get it, I have no doubt.
He puts a hand on my back. “I didn’t know, Dani. I can’t imagine…”
I’m a little bewildered about what a big deal this seems to be to him. “But this brings me to now,” I say. “I’m worried. It was so quiet. I almost missed that one too. Probably mostly because I really wanted to say yes.” I put my hands together and dip my feet back in the water. “I’m looking at the photos of families and reading bios, and I’m just afraid that I’m going to miss it.”
“Don’t worry, Dani,” Jackie says from behind me. “You’ll know. You didn’t miss it the first times. You won’t miss it here. Maybe if those things had been huge spiritual experiences then something yet to come in your life won’t be when it needs to be.”
Michael and I exchange glances and then look back at her.
“What?” she asks.
“That was very insightful,” Michael says.
“Don’t look so surprised.” Jackie laughs.
“It’s not a big deal.” I shake my head.
“Of course it’s a big deal.” His voice is quiet but forceful. “Lucas would have been an easy way to be back talking with your parents and to have a safety net and…”
“No.” I keep swishing my feet in the water. “I have a safety net. The people in our ward all seem really amazing, and I couldn’t go back to whatever it was I had before.”
He puts his arms around me and squeezes me into a sideways hug, and his skin feels so warm against mine.
This is what I want. Why can’t I tell him?
16
I now work at Pike Place Market. The bishop put in a good word for me, and I got a job. Tanya runs a fruit and vegetable stand for her sister and her sister’s husband who live out in Puyallup, a farming community not too far from the city. I love it. The job is fun, even when it gets busy, and my days pass quickly. The bus has almost a direct route from the stop at Pike, to the stop near my house. I help her all day Saturdays and two half days during the week.
I love the smell of the fresh peaches and apples. I can take as many home as I can eat, so I’ve been eating a lot of fresh fruit. Cheap and delicious.
Her booth isn’t too far from the place that’s always throwing their fish over the countertops. I get into the groove of being here because there’s always something to smell and see. I take my camera on more days than not.
On my short days I wander around downtown taking photos. There’s an arcade between work and home that has some of my favorites, but I can’t bring myself to be the pregnant teen playing Pacman. Time’s passing too quickly, which means Michael’s about to leave, and this baby’s getting closer to being born.
~ ~ ~
I smile as I see Michael come up the dock. “Hey there!” I wave. “Jackie isn’t here.”
“Yeah, I know,” he says. “She’s at the law office today. I thought we could take off in the boat together. I got us sandwiches on my way here. We can have a picnic.”
My heart pounds at the thought of having some time with Michael where I’m not sharing him with Jackie or anyone else.
He holds my hand as I step into the boat. My balance isn’t very good because my belly is so huge. I feel enormous. On hot days like today I have to keep my feet up or my ankles swell. I’m in the last trimester now, and it isn’t a lot of fun. It’s like my whole body is large with baby, my hands, my feet, my face… Nothing about me feels petite anymore.
It’s hard to talk above the noise of the engine so we don’t try. Michael is great behind the wheel of the small lake boat, but I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s spent his summers here since I can remember. We stop and he cuts the engine so we’re just free floating in the lake.
“Dinner?” he asks.
“Please.” I shuffle around, trying to get comfortable but it’s hard. “This belly gets in the way of everything!”
“Well, you look beautiful.”
I’m stunned by his compliment. I don’t know what to say so I brush it off. “Oh come on. You have to say that cause you’re one of the nice guys.”
“I’m starting to get nervous.” He digs his hand into a bag and hands me a sandwich.
“About what?”
“Leaving.” His eyes catch mine. “I’m going to Puerto Rico.”
“Wow! That’s amazing!” And so far away.
“Yeah, but it makes it more real, you know?”
“I know.” I know exactly how real life-changing things feel. “Every time I go in for another doctor’s appointment or, well, try to move, I’m reminded of what I’m doing here and that there’s no stopping it. It’s moving forward whether I want it to or not. Like being on a train car you have no control over.”
He looks concerned. I’ve said too much. I look away and take another bite of my sandwich. He knows exactly what I like. Olives with lettuce and dressing and maybe some other stuff on wheat bread.
“You’ve never said that. I�
��m worried about you.” He tilts his head to the side. I like it when he does that, like he’s really taking me in. He doesn’t move, and I start to get self-conscious. Oh wait. It’s my turn to talk.
“It is what it is. I’m okay.” I nod. “I’d feel better if I knew who the parents are going to be.”
My Forever (The Next Door Boys) Page 12