“I play,” I say quietly.
“Oh!” She smiles as she sits down. “Thank you.”
I stand up and walk to the piano bench. It’s been months, but when I sit down the keys are all still where they should be. Guess I’m stuck.
“It’s um…been a while since I played.” I’m nervous. Why did I have to stand up like that?
“Oh, it doesn’t matter at all.” Sister McKay chuckles. I love Sister McKay. She makes me laugh every Sunday.
I think about how I’m going to see Eliza for the first time this afternoon, and I’m nervous. I’m not sure what to expect. Oh, piano. I should actually be playing right now while they set up. I turn the hymnbook to the one we’re singing today, and then I let my fingers roll up and down the keys to create some background music. I check the hymn over while my fingers play around softly on the keys. I realize that I’ve missed this. The music makes its way up my fingers and fills me in a way that just listening will never do.
The hymn is simple and pretty. I’m smiling the whole time. When I take my seat a few of the ladies sitting next to me pat my shoulders and my back. It feels good to be a contributing part of the ward, even though it was a simple task.
I don’t have a calling, or a job at church. I think the bishop is afraid to overwhelm me. He knows what I’ve been through, what I’m going through. Most everyone in our ward knows what I’m going through. There’s no hiding a pregnant belly at nine months, there’s no hiding the lack of husband, and there’s no hiding the fact that the baby isn’t with me. But only the bishop and Jackie have the whole story, and I like it that way.
~ ~ ~
Jackie offers to come with me to the Wright’s house to see Eliza, but I want to do it alone. I need to be able to do things alone.
I take the bus. The nearest stop to them is one block down the hill and across the main street. I think its First Street, but now that I’m off the bus and across it, I don’t remember. I’m excited to see them again, but part of me wishes Eliza wasn’t there. Just Brian and Leigh, letting me into their family in their friendly way. I don’t know if it will feel good or sad or what. It’s been two nights since I’ve slept well haven’t slept, but if I’m going to have a relationship with all of them, which I really want, I need to start now.
I walk slowly up the hill, still wearing clothes from church. It’s actually a black maternity dress from Jackie, but now that I’m not pregnant, it doesn’t look like maternity clothes anymore. I don’t think. Anyway, it’s what I have. I’m standing outside their building like a total chicken, wishing I had something to do. Something to keep me busy for a minute so I can think before walking up the stairs. But I don’t have anything to do so I head up. Slowly. I stand in front of their door and before I can either knock or turn away—Brian opens the door.
I’m struck again by what a good-looking man he is. He still has his dress shirt on from church but his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows. There’s one tattoo on his forearm that I can see, but the rest are hidden.
“It is really great to see you, Dani.” He immediately reaches out and gives me a hug. “I can’t believe how great you look. You’re so tiny!”
I look down. I look like myself. I don’t get it. Oh, dummy. They’ve never seen me not pregnant. Well, except for those few moments at the hospital.
I suddenly feel guilty about not coming sooner. It’s been over a month, and it’s nearly Thanksgiving. They’ll be taking Eliza to the temple soon I’m sure—adding to their eternal family. I slide my shoes off in their bizarre entryway. There’s this wall so you can’t really see the rest of their place when you’re just inside the door. I walk around, and Leigh is on the couch with Eliza in her arms. She’s feeding her a bottle. Nathan is on the floor. He and his dad have been drawing. I’ve only seen Brian sketch out a few things, but I could watch those two draw all day.
“Hey Dani!” Leigh’s whole face lights up.
I’m always surprised by her green eyes. I don’t know why. I know they’re green. They’re just beautiful. Everyone in my family has my mom’s brown eyes, even my brother Daniel who looks like dad. I wonder briefly how they’re all doing.
One family craziness at a time, Dani. Let’s just cover this one today.
“Come on over.” She gestures, but I’m not sure if I want to just yet. I mean, I do want to, but I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. I stand for a moment wondering if I should have come or not. Leigh’s face turns into an apologetic frown. She’s probably feeling bad that she’s encouraged me to be here.
I stop and kneel next to Nathan. “Wha’cha drawing today?” He seems safer than Leigh, or the baby, or even Brian.
“Well, it’s Sunday so I’m only supposed to draw stuff out of the scriptures.” He doesn’t sound too thrilled.
“I see.” I point. “And who’s this guy?”
“That’s Samuel the Lamanite, preaching on the wall.”
“Oh.” I don’t know all the stories.
“It’s one of the times when the Lamanites are the good guys,” he explains. “Or some of them are. I’m pretty sure.”
“Oh.”
Eliza has finished her bottle, and Leigh’s gently patting her back, joy and contentment all over her face.
I finally get up and sit next to Leigh.
“Oh good,” she smiles. “I need to pee.”
She sets Eliza straight in my lap and walks out of the room. Eliza’s feet touch my stomach and her head rests between my knees. I put a hand on either side of her to keep her from falling, but I’m afraid to look at or touch her.
I don’t think Brian approves. Not that he doesn’t approve of me holding her—I think that he doesn’t approve of his wife forcing this. I’m still afraid to look at Eliza. What Brian doesn’t know is that Leigh makes me feel good. I’d rather have her forcing me to do more than I’m comfortable than for me to not feel welcome. I like them. I like their house. I want to be here. I need to make sure to send Brian an email later on today or tomorrow. I make myself look down at the baby.
She takes my breath away. She looks like me. I can see my skin and my hair, and then breathe out a sigh of relief that she doesn’t look like her dad. Not that he’s a bad looking guy. It would just make it even harder. I’m okay with this. Her eyes are huge and deep brown. They widen when I smile and her eyebrows go up.
“Wow, she’s amazing isn’t she?” I glance toward Brian.
He nods. “She’s beautiful, just like her mom.” From him it’s a nice compliment. He says it like plain fact. He’s not trying to suck up to me or make me feel better.
“Yes she is.” Leigh agrees as she walks back in the room. “I’m so glad you made it out, Dani. We’ve missed you. We saw you so much just before, I was starting to worry that you wouldn’t come visit.”
“I just wasn’t sure what to expect.” I look down at Eliza again. “I’m so glad she doesn’t look like her dad.” I kind of laugh now. To say that out loud makes it seem silly.
Brian and Leigh look at one other. I haven’t talked about him. They’ve never asked. I can tell they’re curious, but they won’t ask now either. They know this trip will already be awkward for me. Eliza is still happy on my lap.
“He’s three years older than me,” I start. I’m still watching Eliza’s face make all sorts of bizarre expressions. “He was a good friend for a long time. We weren’t dating or anything. He’s tall, close to six feet with light brown hair and hazel eyes. He’s a good guy, smart. I think he finishes his degree this year. Physics.” I add the last little bit so they know more about him. Eliza will be curious one day. I’ll have to find a picture of him for her.
I touch Eliza’s hands and continue to watch. Her eyes now rest closed, and I know that I can’t sit here with her sleeping on me. That’ll be too much. “Do you want your daddy or your mommy pretty girl?”
Leigh looks at Brian and he walks over to take her from me. I’m sad and relieved at the same time.
“Well, thanks.
” I say standing up.
“You won’t stay for dinner?” Leigh asks.
“No, I’m headed over to the Masons’ house,” I tell her. Mostly I just feel this sudden desperate need to leave.
“Thanks for coming all this way Dani. Can I give you a ride home or get you a cab?” Brian asks.
“No need.” I shake my head. “I got my bus pass. I’m good.” Why must I stare at the floor?
Brian starts to protest, but I look at him and shake my head just slightly. He understands. I’m doing this on my own.
“Thank you for making me feel welcome. I’ll stay longer next time.” My feet slide into my shoes.
Brian sits down with Eliza and Leigh walks with me to her front door.
“We’re not chasing you out, are we?”
“Not at all.” I can’t look at her. It feels like too much. It’s not good or bad it’s just a lot. I put on my raincoat and walk out the door. I can tell Leigh wants to walk me out , but I hear Brian in the background.
“Just let her go, Leigh. She’s okay.” He tries to be quiet so I don’t hear.
By the time I hit the street, I’m crying. Part ly because of Eliza, part ly because of the love in the room. I know now that the bond Brian, Leigh and I had before Eliza was born is even stronger now. I’m so relieved. I realize I’ve been more worried that they won’t like me anymore now that they have her. As if the draw to me only had to do with her. But it’s not that way.
We’re still okay. I’m okay. I think about Eliza. I think about seeing my face in hers. And now I wonder if tears will just be a part of my visits to them.
I wipe my cheeks again and look down the street. I decide that all I need to do is make it past the intersection. As soon as I get to the bus stop the tightness in my chest will go away. I’ll be okay. Just across the street. And of course, the street light changes. So I stand here, trying to slow my tears down and I do, a little. When the light changes to let me walk, I dash to the other side and take a deep breath. I make it. I force myself to take another slow deep breath in.
I don’t need to cry anymore. I’m okay. The bus stop can be my safe place.
As soon as the bus slows, I climb on for the trip home. I’m staring out the front window when I realize someone is looking at me. A guy, maybe a couple years older. His dark curly hair is so short, you almost can’t see the curl. His eyes are a bright blue that sparkle. He’s cute. I look away as my heart speeds up.
“You okay?” His voice is soft, but I can hear him, despite the grinding of the bus engine.
“Fine.” I don’t make eye contact. Today is not the day for this—cute male strangers on buses. I get off at my stop and the bus continues on with the sparkly-eyed man.
Earlier, I told Jackie to go to her parent’s without me. When I arrive home, she’s gone. I heat up leftovers from the night before and sit in front of the TV glad for some time alone.
I spend the next week or so doing nothing of consequence—just living. I can fit into my old clothes, but I don’t particularly like them anymore, the very few that I own. I still have the outfit I wore when my parents kicked me out of the house. I know it’s silly, but I go outside and drop it in the water so I can watch it sink, which is strangely satisfying.
I need to figure out what’s next for me because I can’t be a bum in Jackie’s house forever.
21
Jackie walks straight into my room. No knocking. She must mean business. We’re only a few days from Thanksgiving, and I’ve really accomplished nothing since Eliza. I’m sure this is what my interruption is about.
“Okay, Dani. Erase anything on your schedule for tomorrow, if you have anything. You’re coming with me.” Her lips are pursed, and her arms are crossed. This is Jackie’s don’t-mess-with-me look.
“What for?” I’m immediately suspicious. Anyone with half a brain would be suspicious if Jackie looked at them like she’s looking at me now.
“You’re just coming with me. We’re cutting your hair. I cannot, I mean cannot see you in another ponytail. Also, you need clothes.”
I look down. “I need to save money…” I start to explain.
“I don’t care.” She puts a hand on her hip and cocks it to the side. “I get a good allowance, and I’m sure if I’m a bit over this month, it won’t matter. Besides, this is just driving me crazy. Any woman six weeks after having a baby would want to look like you do. Shoot, a bunch of people who haven’t had babies would want to look like you, and you’re honestly just wasting it.” Fortunately I can see a smile on the edges of her mouth.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit. I don’t know how to dress. I know how to dress for high school. I don’t know what I want to do even. I have no idea how to look like Jackie. I don’t know if I want to look like Jackie. I, I, I…am admittedly acting a bit pathetic.
“I have a stack of magazines in the living room. You mark pages—anything you like, even if you think you could never pull it off. Actually, don’t mark the pages. Just pull them out. I’ll look them over, and then we’ll shop.”
“Okay.” I’m part interested, part terrified. Jackie is a force to be reckoned with.
“Come on.” She turns and we walk to the living room together. “You sit here.”
“Now?”
She drops a stack about a foot tall next to me on the couch.
“Yes, now. Have fun!” She flops down in her favorite chair and picks up the TV remote. “You work on this.” She pats the tall stack with her hand. “And I’ll catch up on Project Runway.” She rests back in satisfaction and scrolls through the DVR menu.
I do as she asks. I begin to rip out pages, pages of hair, shoes, clothes, anything I like. Jackie occasionally glances over at my progress and nods.
I’m halfway through her stack of magazines, it’s bedtime, and I can’t sleep. I’m too nervous about what Jackie is going to do to me tomorrow.
~ ~ ~
Elder Mason,
Jackie took me shopping. You can imagine the results. I’m trying to get used to having choices of beautiful things to wear every day but it’s hard. There are more dresses, dress pants, skirts and blouses than I’ve ever owned. And the shoes… I probably have two pairs for each outfit. It’s a bit overwhelming, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it.
I don’t look like me. I look like the woman I’ve always admired. She even cut my hair—not a lot, but I learned how to straighten it and everything.
Also—did you know Jackie already has a four-year degree? She starts law-school in the fall, and I’m still sort of shocked. I also feel bad because I’ve lived here for months and feel like this is stuff I should know.
I feel like I’m walking on a balance beam right now. I have this old life where I shared a room with my little sister and helped my father be the pastor and lived in a nineteen seventies trailer posing as a house. In this new life of mine, I’m a Mormon girl, I live in an incredible house on Lake Union, and I have a roommate who drives a convertible and a baby who lives with a different family. The changing of my clothes is the least of my worries, but it is an outward reminder of how much life has changed for me. And just like I’m balancing lives, I also feel like I have to walk and talk just right or everyone will know I’m some poor imposter in designer jeans.
Wow, I didn’t actually mean to get all philosophical on you there. I just wanted to tell you about shopping. I’ve signed up for classes at Seattle Community college. I have one semester done with my ACT scores testing me out of math and my AP classes all transferring without a hitch (a miracle). I’m looking forward to being in school again though I have no idea what I want to do.
How’s the language coming? Having fun? Keeping busy?
Love,
Dani
***
After a Thanksgiving meal like I’ve never had, catered by one of the finer restaurants in town, I miss home. So, in a fit of nostalgia, I write my grandparents.
Grandpa and Grandma LeClaire –
It’s
Dani, I’m in Seattle right now and was hoping you wouldn’t mind a visit from me sometime over the holidays.
Love, Dani
I love Michael’s family and Eliza’s family, but I miss my own. The one I grew up around. The ones who knew me in diapers. There’s just something to be said for someone you share blood with who’s known you for that long.
~ ~ ~
In my need to accomplish something, and Jackie’s need to keep pushing me forward, I email Leigh to tell her that I’ll be in Portland, and would her and Lori like for me to take some pictures for their store. She emails back almost immediately with a yes.
When we arrive in Portland I’m excited. As excited as Jackie. They have clothes and models all picked out as we step into the store. It’s another time I wish I had Michael’s quiet confidence to back me up instead of Jackie’s unfounded enthusiasm.
My Forever (The Next Door Boys) Page 16