We wander around a little more. He has created an actual maze with these partitions. I’m convinced of it. We run into Jackie who gives me an eyebrow and glances over at Hank who still has his arm around me. I give her a look that says I’m okay and she mouths back, be careful.
Jackie is being silly. Jackie is always being silly. I polish off my glass feeling positively delightful. Must be all the sugar after not eating dinner.
Hank is still leading me. We step around another partition and another, and I realize we must be in his apartment. I’ve never been in here before.
Wow. This is where Hank lives.
It’s sparse and clean. It’s almost amazing that this huge space is simply in a corner of his loft.
“Wow.” I say, using all of my newfound confidence in my beautiful too sexy dress. “So, this is where the mighty Hank lives, huh?” I stand tall, keep my stomach sucked in and walk slowly in my high, high heels.
“Yes.” He’s watching me from a bit of a distance. The way he’s looking at me gives me butterflies, and I smile, enjoying the feeling. This party is so fun. He’s leaning against a counter, but he pushes off and walks to me. He is absolutely, perfectly unkempt.
He wants to look like he doesn’t care, but he does. He cares about everything. He stops coming toward me when our faces are inches apart. I smile at him again. This whole evening is full of smiles.
“You are such a gorgeous creature, Danielle.” He rests his hand on my neck. His thumb traces my jaw and grazes across my cheek. He touches with a confidence that I’ve never felt before and the tingles in the pit of my stomach have moved lower. He moves his face in and pauses. He doesn’t hesitate out of shyness. He hesitates out of anticipation. I feel his warm breath on my face and my lips part, just slightly, waiting for him to make the next move.
When he kisses me it’s like nothing I’ve experienced. He knows he’s going to get his way. He knows how to move his mouth, his hands. He’s not some shy kid. My body’s floating, and he feels so good that I slide my hands around to his lower back and pull his hips toward mine.
He chuckles once. “I knew there was a bad girl in there somewhere.”
I freeze. What am I doing? I feel all fuzzy. I pull back and look at him. “You let me drink, didn’t you? Even though I said I didn’t want to?”
“It’s two little drinks, Dani. Don’t worry about it.”
He leans forward and takes my lips with his again. It feels so good to be touched like this, wanted like this. I’m almost swept up, but push him away.
“Find a new assistant.” I don’t think it comes out the sharp way I want it to. I stumble once as he pulls away. I think he pulls away. Maybe I push him. I’m disoriented but find my way out of his apartment and back to the party. I have to find Jackie. It’s so confusing.
I finally give up and yell. “Jackie! I’m heading to the door!” The people around me look at me funny, but I just wave in return. Jackie’s there before me.
“You disappeared.” She looks at me accusingly.
“We need to get out of here.”
“You drank.” She puts her hands on her hips.
“Thank you, Sherlock.” I’m not in the mood for obvious statements right now. “He said there was no alcohol.”
“Well… But can’t you taste it?” She seems impatient.
The elevator arrives and we climb on. “No , I can’t taste it! I don’t know what I’m tasting for!” I cross my arms but as soon as the elevator moves, I need my hands for balance. What kind of horrible person am I?
We’re quiet on the ride home. What a disaster. I feel icky. Justin yesterday, Hank today and Michael’s still in my thoughts as much as he always is. I feel nauseous, not because of the alcohol , but because I know I shouldn’t drink. If I didn’t know I was drinking, does it still count? I’m scared to talk to the bishop. I’m sure I need to.
~ ~ ~
Dear Danielle,
I’m past halfway point! Can you believe this! I can’t believe it. We’re still doing more service than anything else, but I feel like I’m in the groove. My new companion is fresh out of the MTC. It makes me realize how long I’ve been here and how fast the time will go by until I’m home again.
I know I said we shouldn’t do this but I miss you, Dani. I think back to my last night there. It was the best night of my life. I was so upset at myself for not starting that sooner. We could have had a whole summer. Though, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to leave you. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Please let me know what’s going on. I’m always curious about you and the fact that you and Jackie are best buddies. I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you again. Wish I was there,
Love,
Elder Mason
~ ~ ~
Grr. Michael! What is he trying to do to me! I’m mad. I want to send him a seething letter back to tell him that I’m trying to get on with my life but things keeping popping back up like HIM, and it all just sucks. To make things worse, Justin is on his way over after I begged him to do something simple instead of the big night I asked for. I’m not ready to put that dress on again.
My eyes flash back to the computer screen, and I’m irritated all over again. I pick up the computer and go to the living room where Jackie has a law text on her lap and the TV on to Tim Gunn.
“Look at what your brother is doing to me!” I set the computer on her book.
She reads through it. “And this is news, how?”
“Don’t you get it?” I’m almost yelling. “We had a deal! No talking about missing and no talking about when we’re together. Just live and do!”
“Dani?” She hands the computer back to me. “What is it with you and boys?”
“What are you talking about?” We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about Michael, and how he totally broke the rules.
“I mean you go from Lucas to Michael…”
“No, wait a minute. I didn’t just jump from Lucas to Michael.”
“Really? How much time after you and Lucas…you know. Until you started hanging out with my brother?”
“It was months before he kissed me!”
“I’m not talking about kissing, just hanging out.”
“Not long.” I start to feel uneasy. Where is she going with this?
“And then Lucas shows up after Michael leaves and you kiss him while he was here, am I right?”
“I pushed him away. But we already…you know.”
“Yes,” Jackie says dryly, “I know.”
“While you’re on the bus, on Lucas’ lap, you notice Justin.”
“Well, but Justin doesn’t come into the picture until way later.”
Jackie shrugs. “Last night…”
I’m feeling defensive now. “I swear I didn’t know there was alcohol , Jackie. I didn’t…”
“But you still kissed him, and you’re supposed to be dating Justin.”
“Well…” I don’t know what to say at this point. “What about you and boys?”
“There are none.” She looks down at her book.
“Exactly! Don’t you think you’re taking it a little too far in the opposite direction?”
She stops. “Boys are not meant to be trusted.” She takes a deep breath in and out. “What’s the relationship between you and your dad like?”
“Is that a joke?” I ask. “We don’t have one and thanks a lot for bringing it up!” I’m tense now and irritated.
“And before he kicked you out, how close were you?”
I shake my head. It also sucks. I soften a little then.
“What does my dad look like Dani? My real dad?”
“Um…” I have no idea. I’ve lived down here for more than a year, and I have no idea what her dad looks like. I’ve never seen him.
“Exactly. Because he’s never around. Why, oh why would you rely on something that isn’t supposed to be relied upon?” She stares at me. “Men are not to be relied upon Dani, and until I find one that I’m absolutely
sure I can trust, I’m not doing it. Any of it.”
“But…” I’m thinking of good examples. I’m trying to. I want to. “Michael.”
“And he’ll probably make some girl a great husband some day. Maybe you. Maybe someone else. I don’t know. I just don’t see the point right now. I already have one man in my life that disappoints me on a regular basis. I don’t need another one.”
“Fine.” I say. Justin’s on his way over and I don’t want to face him. “I have to tell Justin, don’t I?”
“Dani, don’t ask me questions to things you already know the answer to.”
I stand and look at Jackie for a few minutes. She’s picked up her textbook again.
“I miss Michael, Jackie. I miss him. I miss having someone around. That’s all. That’s my problem.”
“Okay,” she says.
I kind of want to scream. Of all the non-committal answers…
~ ~ ~
I meet Justin on the dock. We sit down on Jackie’s chairs. Her accusations hit me again.
“You don’t want to date me, Justin.” I stare at my lap.
He laughs. “And why would you say that?”
“Because I have too much back-story.”
“I don’t mind back-story.” He shakes his head.
“Some of its recent.” Ugh. That nauseous, I’m-a-horrible-person feeling is back again.
He looks at me. He wants an explanation. I don’t know what to do.
“Fine.” I don’t want to be in any more messy situations. He needs the truth. This sucks. “I think I’m in love with Jackie’s brother who’s on a mission. Even though I promised not to wait for him, he’s still kind of out there you know?”
“That’s okay.”
Crap, he really likes me. I feel worse.
“That’s not it.” I look down. “I went to my boss’s party last night and he gave me champagne only I didn’t know it was champagne , and I felt a little tipsy, and I kissed him. Well, actually he kissed me, but I didn’t stop him right away. I did walk out of the job though.”
“Oh.” Justin looks a little taken aback now. I might as well finish it off.
“To top everything else off, joining the Mormon Church isn’t the only reason I got kicked out of my house. I was pregnant at the time and am now auntie to my birth daughter who lives a few blocks north of Safeco field. I was on the lap of the father that day on the bus.”
“Wow.” He looks at me. “And you didn’t tell me before because…”
“Because it’s a big deal, and it makes me feel stupid.”
“Well it is a big deal.” He gets up and starts to walk away. I knew he’d go. “But it shouldn’t make you feel stupid, Dani. We’ll see you around.” He looks hurt.
“Sorry.” But I’m sure he doesn’t hear me.
It’s kind of an anti-climactic ending to something that never really got started. This seals it for me. I don’t know why I even tried to move past Michael. I am going to follow our rules though. Unlike him.
~ ~ ~
Elder Mason,
Don’t break the rules again.
Love,
Dani
BTW – Jackie isn’t nearly as much fun when she’s in law school.
In fact she’s perfectly grouchy.
~ ~ ~
I spend an hour writing my brother a letter where I say everything. I tell him about my argument with Michael, with Jackie. It helps me sort it all out in my head. I apologize for dumping it on him. I tell him I miss him and for him to be safe. I wish him a Happy Thanksgiving and then drop the letter in the mail.
~ ~ ~
My meeting with my bishop goes better than I expected. By the time I finished my whole story about Hank and drinking and kissing he’s trying to hold in his smile. I’m relieved.
“You need to spend some time being really prayerful about what you want to do , Dani.” He looks at me across his desk. “You’re a special girl. I hope you see it.”
“Thanks.” I’m confused. “Is that it?” I ask.
“That’s it. This is between you and your Father in Heaven, Dani. We’ll see you next Sunday.”
“Thank you.” I guess this is good. I’m not sure.
27
“Dani!” Clint pulls me, and then Jackie, into a big hug when we come over for Thanksgiving. Heidi has catered again.
“We wanted to keep it a surprise…” Heidi starts.
“We’re going to Hawaii for Christmas!” Clint yells.
“Eeee!” Jackie looks more enthused than she has since school started.
“Oh no.” I shake my head. “I can’t possibly…”
“We’d really like to have you, Dani.” Heidi reaches over and grasps my hand.
“Hawaii?”
“Hawaii.” She nods.
I’m in shock. I can’t believe this is happening, or going to happen. I listen to them planning and talking. It doesn’t feel real. Not yet.
I watch Clint all through dinner. Even though Michael was adopted, he has some of his father’s mannerisms, and even though they don’t look physically alike, they are alike. It’s a good lesson for me. I miss Michael when I watch his dad. I miss him and it hollows out my chest.
“Jackie and I are going to go upstairs,” Heidi announces. “I have to sort out my closet before that benefit thing we do every year.” She looks at me. “You’re welcome to come up too, Dani.”
“No thanks.” This sounds like their thing.
“It’s like a clothing garage sale,” Clint explains after they’re gone. “Except the women all try to best each other in how many designer labels they’re so bored with they’re willing to give to charity.” He laughs a little. “Heidi wins often. It’s become sort of a big deal, they now change locations every year and they like to think that women all over Seattle are waiting with baited breath to find out where it will be this year.” He seems amused by the whole thing.
I smile.
“Well Dani, since we’re alone, I have some pictures I think you’d like to see.”
“Okay.” I get up and follow him into their family, or living or whatever room this is. He pulls out two photo albums from the bottom shelf of one of the massive bookshelves.
“These are pictures of Michael as a baby. Heidi doesn’t like these because I was married to Collette.” He winks at me.
It’s fun seeing him like this. I want to return the favor. I want to show Michael some of my youth, but it’s lost in Alaska. It makes me miss him but it also makes me feel closer to him. I realize I’ve been pushing him away over this past year. I’ve been living my life in fast-forward and blocking out way more than I should. I need to slow down and enjoy the moments and enjoy the knowledge that I’m loved or at least liked by Michael Mason.
We move on to the next album, obviously after Clint and Heidi got married. Michael’s in high school for most of these pictures. Jackie’s always around and I even see a few pictures of the elusive Bridger. He looks like Heidi’s son and Jackie’s brother, it makes me wonder what Jackie’s dad looks like since his genes lost out on both kids.
“You miss him, don’t you?” Clint asks.
The simple question brings tears to my eyes. What do I say to that? He puts his arm around me.
“I’m really glad you’re here. You’ve been good for my son. I believe that.”
I want to cry again but don’t. I do let myself lean into Clint for a moment. He smells like Michael does.
~ ~ ~
Hermana Le Claire,
That’s funny, your name is kind of like a lesson in culture or something, right? Things are good. I try not to worry too much when I don’t hear from you in a while. I know you’re busy. I heard that you’re joining my dad, Heidi and Jackie in Hawaii this year for Christmas. I’m so relieved. I hated not being there for you last year. And just think, next year I’ll be there.
I want to know what’s going on with work. Maybe you could send me some of your photographs? I’d love that. You’re fun to brag abou
t , my little chica. Okay, I’m probably getting too personal again, but I don’t want our letters back and forth to be all business you know? I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you like we did when we were sitting on the couch together at my mom’s house, or like we did on Jackie’s dock, or porch or whatever you call something like that on the water.
I laugh.
My Forever (The Next Door Boys) Page 21