by Dan Danko
Boom Boy leaned over to me. “Last time he ranted about bunnies for at least five minutes. Wanna go get a soda?”
Chapter Three
In the Basement of Evil
“I did it! I did it!” the Evil Genius shouted in his basement. He stood before a large blueprint, one that covered an entire eight-by-twelve-foot wall and was filled with equations, schematics, illustrations, numbers, and arrows. Lots and lots of arrows. Lots. And lots.
“I have created the perfect plan to trick those foul superheroes into revealing their secret identities as if they were not something they didn’t want anyone to know!” He laughed loud and hard, like an evil genius who had just devised the perfect plan to trick superheroes into revealing their secret identities as if they were not something they didn’t want anyone to know.
“And do you know what the key to my entire plan is, Monkey Boy? Do you?!” the Evil Genius shouted at Monkey Boy.
Monkey Boy swung from the water pipe that ran along the ceiling. He screeched loudly and tugged at the diaper that was around his waist. He dropped to the ground and gently beat his little hairy fists against his forehead.
“Wrong!” the Evil Genius spat at Monkey Boy. “It’s the arrows! The pointy, pointy arrows! Pointing at... things.”
“Darrell!” a voice cried out from upstairs. The Evil Genius looked at his giant blueprint, inspecting every last inch. He gasped, then took a black marker and drew an arrow tip at the end of a line. “Brilliant,” he whispered.
“Darrell!” a voice cried out from upstairs. The Evil Genius turned from the blueprint and talked to Monkey Boy. “First, we will try this plan on the League of Big Justice. Once I have learned their darkest secrets, it will be mere child’s play to defeat them. And then, Monkey Boy, no one will stand between me and my conquest of the earth!”
“Darrell!” a voice cried out from upstairs. “I know you can hear me!”
“What do you want?” the Evil Genius finally yelled back. “I’m busy!”
“Well, you’re not too busy to take out the garbage, do you hear me, young man?!”
“I’ll do it later!” the Evil Genius yelled back. “You’ll do it now!”
The Evil Genius gave Monkey Boy a pleading look, hoping his primate partner would spring into action and stop the meddlesome woman upstairs. Monkey Boy picked a flea out of his fur and ate it.
“Mom! I’m plotting to rule the world!” the Evil Genius yelled up.
“The world will still be there after you take out the trash!” the voice yelled back.
“Mooooommmm!”
“Don’t make me come down there!”
The Evil Genius threw down his black marker and stomped toward the basement stairs.
“And that monkey had better be wearing his diaper! I’m tired of cleaning up after that little beast!” the voice called back down.
Monkey Boy screeched loudly and rolled on the ground. He rocked up to his feet, tore off his diaper, and put it on his head like a stinky white hat.
Chapter Four
Evil Doesn’t Brush Its Teeth
“Rule #2!” Pete said, after he’d stopped ranting about arrows.
Boom Boy ran up behind me and slipped back into line with a can of Pow! Soda in his hand. He checked his Sidekick Super Watch of Tickiness. “Hey! Hey! Four minutes and fifty-five seconds! Just like boiling an egg!” he bragged, and took a big gulp of his Pow! Soda.
Exact Change Kid’s pencil hovered over his notebook, ready to write down the all-important Rule #2.
“No matter how crazy it sounds, no matter how dangerous you think it may be, always, always do what a superhero asks you to do,” Pete informed us. “Superheroes know better than you, and the life they may be trying to save just might be their own.”
“But, but, what if you don’t want to?” Boom Boy asked.
Pete spun around on his heel. “Who said that?” he gasped.
Boom Boy raised his hand ... and pointed to Exact Change Kid. Exact Change Kid looked up from his notepad, his glasses slightly askew from the zeal with which he wrote.
“Huh?” he said.
Pete took a step toward Exact Change Kid. “So you don’t want to do what a superhero tells you to do? What? You too good for the people who save the earth every day like they’re just tying their shoelaces?”
The funny thing was, Pete didn’t know how to tie his shoelaces.
“That’s why the Russians created Velcro!” Pete once said to me as he Velcroed his shoes.
“NASA invented Velcro,” I informed him. “NASA? Is that near Switzerland?”
Pete inched closer to Exact Change Kid and gave him the Pumpkin Eye. “What’s your name, Quarter Boy?”
“Uh... well... actually ... my name’s Exact Change Kid, not Quarter Boy... .” Small beads of sweat were starting to form on Exact Change Kid’s brow.
“I mean, what’s your real name? Your parents didn’t put ‘Quarter Boy’ on your birth certificate, did they?” Pete pressed.
Exact Change Kid brightened and was about to answer, but then stopped, remembering Rule #1: Never reveal your secret identity, even to a super-hero.
“I’m sorry, sir, but as you taught us with Rule #1, ‘Never, never, never tell anyone your real name, even a superhero.’ ” Exact Change Kid was proud he had passed the test.
“Oh, sure, sure!” Pete replied, and put an arm around Exact Change Kid. “But I’m sure you also remember Rule #2?”
“ ‘Always do what a superhero asks you to do’!” Boom Boy jumped in and gave a knowing wink to Exact Change Kid.
“And right now, a superhero is asking you your real name,” Pete said. “Unless you’re saying that I’m not a superhero... that I don’t have all the powers of a pumpkin!”
Small beads of sweat ran down Exact Change Kid’s temple. He looked at his notebook where he had written Rule #1 and #2 and underlined them several times.
After an uncomfortable pause he began, “My name’s Myron Stra —”
Pete interrupted Exact Change Kid and slapped him on the back. “You just broke Rule #1! You’re outta the Sidekicks!”
“But...but...,” Exact Change Kid stammered.
“Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.” Pete pointed Exact Change Kid toward the street in front of the League of Big Justice and shooed him along with his hands. Exact Change Kid slumped slightly as he shuffled away.
“That’s not fair, Pete!” I protested. “You can’t kick him out for breaking Rule #1 when he had to break Rule #1 to follow Rule #2!”
“Whoa! Slow down there, egghead!” Pete chuckled. “Save the algebra for the classroom.”
“You can’t kick Exact Change Kid and Spice Girl out of the Sidekicks! They were just doing what you told them!” I was waving my arms above my head like it would somehow help convince Pete.
“Are you saying that I made a mistake?” Pete growled.
“No! I’m just saying that maybe you shouldn’t kick them out of the Sidekicks for just doing what you said.”
“You wanna know what happens when a superhero makes a mistake?” Pete snarled.
“Uh... no,” I answered.
“Well, I’ll tell you! Superheroes don’t make mistakes! That’s why we’re superheroes! If we made mistakes, then we’d be not-so-superheroes, wouldn’t we? And that’d make you not-sosidekicks!”
Boom Boy shrugged his shoulders. “Makes sense to me!”
“It’s good to hear you admit you can make a mistake.” Pete relaxed. “Of course, that means you can never be a superhero, because super-heroes don’t make mistakes!” Pumpkin Pete spun back to face the rest of us. “And that leads us to Rule #3! Even a superhero can make a mistake!”
Spelling Beatrice shook her head in silent misery. “This is giving me a headache,” she said with a sigh.
Chapter Five
“I’m Sad Now”
Spice Girl sat on the curb that ran along the League of Big Justice Parking Lot of Big Parking. She leaned back
and supported herself with her palms. She was surprisingly upbeat for having just been kicked out of the Sidekicks. She watched Exact Change Kid shuffle over from the rest of the group and sit down next to her.
“Hey,” Exact Change Kid mumbled, and plopped on the curb.
“Hey.”
“They kicked me out of the Sidekicks, too.” Exact Change Kid let out a long sigh and scratched his head. He flipped open his pocket notebook and reviewed his scribbled writings. Rule #1: Never, never, never tell anyone your real name. Rule #2: Always do what a superhero asks you to do. Exact Change Kid dropped his head into his hands. His notebook fell to the asphalt. “Where did I go wrong?”
“I think when you landed on Park Place,” Spice Girl suggested.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to be a sidekick... to use my uncanny powers of exact change to battle the forces of evil.” Exact Change Kid reached into his utility belt and pulled out a fistful of coins. He opened his hand and stared at the little heads. “Abe. George. Thomas. And good ol’ FDR. I’ve let you down. I’ve let all of you down.”
“Don’t worry so much,” Spice Girl assured him. “The last time Peter Pumpkin kicked me out of the Sidekicks, I just went home and watched TV. When I came back the next day, he didn’t even remember my name. He called me ‘Stinky.’ ”
“Really?” Exact Change Kid brightened. “You mean there’s still a chance I can be a sidekick?”
“No. Probably not this time. I’m just telling you what happened before.”
Exact Change Kid deflated like a balloon that was just kicked out of the balloon version of the Sidekicks.
He looked at Spice Girl. An idea drifted into his head. “But...I guess on the bright side . . . you and I can spend some time together. Maybe go watch some TV . . .” Exact Change Kid smiled and nudged himself ever so slightly nearer to Spice Girl.
“I’m sad now,” she said.
Chapter Six
Evil Eats the Last Fig Newton
Boom Boy sat down next to Earlobe Lad. The two didn’t say anything to each other. Usually Boom Boy liked to torment Earlobe Lad. His super-sized ears and super-hearing made him the perfect target for someone as obnoxious as Boom Boy.
“Man,” Boom Boy said in a sad voice. “I don’t even feel like blowing up.”
“Maam pah ma pamm mam?” Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy asked as he slowly rolled over in his Giant Hamster Ball of Justice.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Boom Boy said. Spelling Beatrice was sitting next to Spice Girl, who was now chatting with Charisma Kid. Exact Change Kid was making page after page of notes: small scribbles, detailed descriptions, and elaborate theories.
“To follow Rule #1 breaks Rule #2, but to follow Rule #2 breaks Rule #1.. .” He took his eraser and aggressively rubbed it against the page. “What am I overlooking? What?”
“Please don’t erase so loud!” Earlobe Lad complained.
I walked up and saw the whole group sitting on the curb. They all looked sad, except for Spice Girl, who was taking advantage of the free time to talk with Charisma Kid.
“Did he kick you out, too?” Spelling Beatrice asked the moment I sat down next to her.
“Yeah,” I replied.
“What rule did you break?” Boom Boy inquired, curious to see if it was the same rule he had broken.
“Rule #8,” I answered.
“Rule #8?!” Exact Change Kid blurted. “There’s a Rule #8?!”
“Yeah,” I said, and quoted, “ ‘Rule #8: Never be the last sidekick.’ ”
Chapter Seven
The Lucky Chapter . . . Or IS It?
The next day we were all back at the Sidekick Super Clubhouse. Pumpkin Pete had told King Justice that he had kicked all of us out of the Sidekicks for breaking the rules. King Justice had then reminded Pumpkin Pete that that meant Pete would have to do his own laundry and get his own Chinese takeout and polish the rims on the Pumpkinmobile himself.
Pete reinstated all of us in less than fifteen minutes.
And in fact, to make sure that would never happen again if he ever had to kick all of us out of the Sidekicks again, Pete approved the Side-kicks to interview for a brand new member. That way, there’d be one leftover sidekick to do his chores. Pete suggested we name the new side-kick “Chore Boy” or “Task Lass.”
Exact Change Kid, Boom Boy, and Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy sat behind the Sidekick Super Fold-Out Table, or in Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy’s case, sat in his Giant Hamster Ball of Justice behind the Sidekick Super Fold-Out Table in the middle of the Sidekick Super Additional-Parking Parking Lot of Justice. The rest of us flanked them on either side, except for Charisma Kid, who had told us to “pick whatever stupid new sidekick you want” and to try not to choose “as big a loser as the rest of you.”
Several would-be sidekicks lined up on the opposite side of the table. Exact Change Kid pulled out a clipboard and read the first name.
“Super Vision Lad?”
A young boy stepped forward. He had a wild look in his eyes, and his head darted about. He had black hair and a beach towel clothespinned around his neck, like a terry cloth cape. Otherwise, he was dressed totally normal, in jeans and a T-shirt that said MOMMY’S LITTLE ANGEL. One of his shoes was untied and he had a runny nose. His mother was with him and held him firmly by the wrist.
“So... you have super eyes, I see,” Exact Change Kid said. “How far can you see?”
“He doesn’t have super eyes,” Super Vision Lad’s mother corrected.
Super Vision Lad made motorboat noises with his lips, extended his arms, and spun around like a human helicopter. “I like chocwet!” he yelled.
“Then why is he called Super Vision Lad?” Boom Boy asked.
“Because he needs constant supervision,” the kid’s mother answered.
“How does that power work?” Spice Girl asked.
“Look, I’ll pay you ten dollars an hour if he can joined your little ‘club’ from three to six every day.” His mother pulled out thirty dollars and laid it on the table. “And double on holidays. I just...I just need a little break.”
Exact Change Kid looked at the other side-kicks. “Well, we might have to fight evil during those hours . . .”
“Does it take all of you to fight evil?” Super Vision Lad’s mother asked.
“Usually,” Spelling Beatrice jumped in. “Don’t you think you’d be better off finding a babysitter?”
“Oh, I see how it is,” Super Vision Lad’s mother said in a huff. “You can count pennies and spell words and roll around in a plastic hamster ball and suddenly you’re too good for ten dollars an hour?”
“MAAA PA MAA PAM!” Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy yelled.
I turned and saw Super Vision Lad kicking Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy’s Giant Hamster Ball of Justice around the Sidekick Super Additional-Parking Parking Lot of Justice like he was a giant plastic soccer ball with a screaming teenager inside.
“I told you he needed constant supervision!” his mother snarled, and chased after her son.
“Next!” Boom Boy called out.
A boy with a large, brown cardboard box encasing his body stepped forward. There were holes cut out for his head and legs, and the box covered his body from his shoulders down to just below his hips.
“I’m Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy!” he said eagerly.
“And what powers do you have?” Exact Change Kid asked.
“Cardboard powers!” Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy bragged.
“Wow,” Spice Girl whispered to Spelling Beatrice. “He is powerful.”
“Powerful?” I quietly butted in. “What makes him so powerful?”
“He can stack himself,” Spice Girl explained. “And I can store my winter clothes in him.”
“That doesn’t make him powerful,” I huffed. Spice Girl turned her back to me. “Let’s see if you’re still saying that when summer comes.”
“Hey, hey!” Boom Boy said. “Here’s a little test for you: What
would you do if the Veggie Tarian attacked you with his Cucumber Brigade and you were the only one who could stop him?”
Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy laughed as if the answer was obvious. “I possess all the powers of cardboard! I’d simply defeat him with that!”
Exact Change Kid and Boom Boy looked Boyin-the-Cardboard-Box Boy over. “I don’t know,” Boom Boy said, shaking his head. “I just don’t think you’ve got what it takes to be a sidekick. Unless we can store our winter clothes in you when summer comes.”
“Sorry, BITCBB,” Exact Change Kid said, and checked a box labeled LOSER on his clipboard.
“Oh, I get it now, you can have a kid in a Giant Hamster Ball, but not one in a Giant Cardboard Box?!” Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy shouted.
“MAAAA PA MAM PAM!” Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy yelled in a panic as Super Vision Lad rolled him across the street and into the deserted field.
“Come back here with that hamster ball!” Super Vision Lad’s mother yelled, and chased after him.
“It’s nothing against you,” Exact Change Kid explained. “Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy’s got a Giant Hamster Ball of Justice...”
“And you’re just stuck in a stupid brown box!” Boom Boy cut in. “You look like a rectangle turd!”
“Don’t make me smite you with my Giant Cardboard Box of Justice!” Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy threatened.
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah?” Boom Boy stood up. “You just try and I’ll blow up so good, there won’t be enough of your box left to line a birdcage!”
“I’d like to see you try!” Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy dared.
And with that, Boom Boy jumped to the other side of the table and balled his fists. He clenched his teeth so tightly that deep lines formed in his cheeks.