by Claire Adams
“Respect?” she repeated, after a silent second. “Since when have you ever respected me?”
“I respected you enough to let you stay in my house,” I pointed out. “I respected you enough to train you and teach you and treat you like an equal.”
Mila took a step towards me and stared straight up at me. I saw tears pool in the corners of her eyes, but she didn’t look sad at all. It was just moisture created from the depth of her emotion and the heat of our conversation. I could almost feel waves of steam wafting off our bodies.
“Please… don’t pretend to be someone you’re not,” Mila said, narrowing her eyes at me. “I can see the persona you want to portray to the world. But I see past you.”
I took another step towards her. “Or maybe… you’re just incapable of seeing the real me. Because one thing is clear… you don’t know me.”
“And you don’t know me,” Mila said heatedly. “So don’t presume to think that I feel something I don’t.”
“Is this about our conversation the other day?” I asked, giving her a mocking smile.
“Let’s make one thing very clear,” she said. “I am not in love with you. You are all wrong for me.”
“Just because I’m all wrong for you does not mean you are not in love with me,” I said. “See, Mila? I do know you. You may not like to admit that, and I can understand why. But I do know you. But admitting that means you’re forced to admit that I’m right about you… and you’re scared.”
Mila was silent for a long time. I thought for a second she would just turn around and walk out of me, but it was almost like she was coming to terms with her feelings as we stood there, facing off against one another.
“Maybe I am scared,” she said suddenly, and I raised my eyes in surprise. “But you know what I see when I look at you? I recognize the same fear.”
“Me? I… I’m not scared of anything.”
Mila laughed. “You’re an idiot, Zack. You know why? Because you kissed me the first day I moved into this house, because you listened to my past and my pain and my fears. Because you made it your mission to make sure I could defend myself, because you stayed away from other woman ever since I came into your life. Don’t you get it? If you think I’m scared… if you think I’m in love with you… then the feeling is mutual, buddy. Because you fell in love with me the moment you set eyes on me. And that’s the truth you’re so scared to admit.”
I stood there, frozen in place, wondering why her words had the power to render me speechless. Why did they have the power to create goosebumps on my skin? Why was I standing there like some mute idiot, trying to find a way to pick apart her argument… but coming up with none?
I was not the kind of guy who fell in love. I was not the kind of guy who wanted that kind of feeling in my life. Because past experience had taught me that love was pain… and loss and heartbreak. It had been for my parents, and I had vowed as a teenager to stay away from it.
But the denial was slowly starting to fall away, and I realized that I couldn’t hide from it any longer. I had wanted to stay away from love my whole life, but I no longer had the choice.
Chapter Twenty
Mila
I saw a hundred different emotions flit across his face. He was unaccustomed to being confronted like this, and it was more powerful because it was true. I felt a strange sense of triumph, but it was weighted down in my own realization. I may have been right about Zack, but he was right about me too. I did love him… and I could no longer deny that.
It felt like an eternity could have passed in that moment. The silence ticked by, and it felt like infinity was contained within that space. I saw two possible futures… two possible alternatives that hung in the air, waiting patiently for a decision to be made.
The first alternative was the more beautiful one, but it was also the more idealistic one. I saw Zack snap out of the silence and walk towards me. I saw him kiss me passionately and profess his love to me. I saw the two of us a couple of years down the road, with a home of our own and a couple of children playing in the backyard. I saw a sensible car in the driveway, right next to Zack’s Harley. I saw a life of domestic bliss that seemed so far-reaching and yet it tasted so close.
The second alternative was far less beautiful and far more realistic. I saw Zack snap out of the silence with bitterness in his eyes. I saw him walk away from me, get on his bike, and drive off. I saw us a couple of years down the road, but it wasn’t an ‘us’ I was seeing. We were on separate paths now. I was living in a different city surrounded by faceless people I knew were friends. Zack was in this house, drinking and fucking random women and refusing to think too hard about the past. I blinked once, and both possibilities faded away, leaving only the present.
“I’m not the kind of guy you would be happy with,” Zack said, breaking the silence.
“I know,” noticing that he didn’t deny anything I’d just aimed at him.
“I’m not easy, I’m not compromising, and I’m not always kind,” he continued.
“I know that too.”
“I don’t know what you want.”
“I don’t know what I want either,” I said.
He walked towards me slowly, and I wondered what that meant. He came to a stop in front of me and looked into my eyes. “When this is over,” he said. “You’ll move on with your life… and I’ll move on with mine,” he said.
I sighed and nodded.
“That’s what you want, isn’t it?” he asked, and I was surprised that he phrased it as a question. Was he searching for a different answer? Was he waiting for me to tell him something new… something different… something that left us with some hope for a future?
“I told you,” I said honestly. “I don’t know what I want.”
Zack’s eyes dropped, and I could no longer see his expression. I took a step towards him, feeling my anger and frustration and uncertainty fade away as my mind realized that I had just made a decision.
“But there is one thing that I do know for certain,” I said.
Zack’s eyes came up to meet my own. “What is that?” he asked.
I moved right into the curve of his body, and I felt his arms twitch slightly, as though he wanted to grab a hold of me but was preventing himself from moving too freely.
“I’m ready,” was all I said.
I saw his eyebrows rise slightly, and I wondered if it was just my imagination or if I had just seen nervousness flit across his face.
“Ready?” he repeated, like he wanted to be doubly sure.
“I want to be with you… I’m ready,” I clarified.
He hesitated, and I frowned. “Isn’t this what you’ve been after since I moved into the house?” I asked, noticing that he didn’t drop his hands from my waist. “You’ve wanted to fuck me since I got here.”
“Is this what you want?” he asked.
“Does it matter?”
“Actually… it does to me,” Zack replied, and I felt my love for him expand.
I nodded. “It is what I want. I know that when this is all over… we’re going to go our separate ways. But that doesn’t matter right now. For right now, I just want to be with you.”
His hands tightened around my waist, and he pulled me in with a kiss that sent shivers of pleasure shooting straight to my toes. I remembered that first kiss we had shared, and if it was even possible, this one was even better. I could feel his fingers against my back, and his cock pushed up against my thigh. He was rock hard, and the knowledge made me almost euphoric.
He pulled the t-shirt I was wearing up and over my head. Then, he unzipped my jeans and pulled them down my legs with excessive slowness, as though he wanted to take his time. I assumed his hard-on must have been uncomfortable, but he didn’t let it show. In fact, he seemed least bothered by it. I stepped out of my jeans with his help, aware that I was almost nearly naked, and he was still fully clothed.
He kissed my stomach as he straightened back up into a standing position. Th
en he unhooked my bra and slipped it off me. Instinctively, my hands went up to try and shield my breasts from view, but Zack pulled my hands down and caressed my breasts softly. That sent a shiver down between my legs, and I felt myself relax a little.
Then he took my hand and led me to the couch where he laid me down with excessive care. Once I was lying down flat, he leaned down over me so that his weight was not on me. Then he kissed me while his hands worked on my breasts, squeezing my nipples gently as he went. After a few minutes, he pushed himself lower down on the sofa and gently pulled off my panties, and I felt myself tense a little. But then he stepped back and started stripping down. My eyes scoured over his body. He was amazing to look at. I had seen his naked chest and his arms before, but everything else was new. His cock was so impressive that I could barely take my eyes off it.
Once he was naked, he settled between my legs again and pushed them open, and a moment later, I felt his tongue on my pussy. I gasped in shock at the waves of new sensations that gripped my body. I was so in my head that I couldn’t fully appreciate it until a minute had passed. Then my body started overtaking my head, and I felt little gasps escape my mouth without any permission from me.
He stayed down there until I was practically screaming in unintelligible screams that were made of pure pleasure. I was soaking wet when he settled himself on top of me and slipped inside me. I knew the first time was supposed to hurt, but I didn’t feel a thing other than desire. Nothing about this hurt, and I was so thankful that I had waited for Zack. It wouldn’t have been worth it, having sex for the first time with any other man.
I had seen how powerful and strong and relentless Zack could be. I had seen the power in his punches, the speed and agility of his movements in a fight. I had admired how fearless he seemed to be. And despite the fact that I hated the violence, a part of me recognized the beauty in it. Having observed all this in him, it was shocking to me to find how gentle he was.
Nothing about the sex was rough or violent or frightening. He slipped in and out of me easily, he caressed my body with gentle care, and he kissed me passionately but softly. It was one of the more revelatory experiences of my life, and I knew that no matter where I went or whom I met, I would never forget this experience. I would make sure I could never forget it. Even as it was happening, I promised myself that I would go over this memory in my head so often that it could never fade into vagueness.
The orgasm built slowly. I marveled at his staying power. I knew that for many men, being able to stay erect for this long without cumming was a serious talent. It had to have been almost thirty minutes before I even registered that Zack was trying to fight back his own orgasm in order to make sure I came first.
It was the most amazing feeling in the world. And a part of me wished that cumming could be as easy as brushing your teeth before bed. I felt my body open up. I felt like a bundle of nerve endings all rolled together in a cacophony of sensual sensations. I shivered and writhed as I came, and clinging on to Zack’s body was my only way keeping my screams somewhat modest.
A small part of me was aware that Zack came too, only moments after I did. For the first minute or two afterward, all I heard was the heavy sound of my breathing mixed in with Zack’s. As I ran my hand up and down his spine, I felt the slick moisture of his sweat. We lay together for a long time until the magic of the moment had passed, and reality slowly seeped in.
We sat up together, and I reached for my clothes. I didn’t bother with the underwear. I just pulled on my jeans and the t-shirt I had been wearing. Zack pulled on his boxers, and we sat side by side for a moment. I could hear the unspoken question between us.
“Where do we go from here?”
“I should… get back to my room,” I said when the silence stretched on and on.
Zack turned to me, and for a moment, all I wanted him to do was take my hand and tell me to stay with him. But instead, he nodded. “Ok,” he said.
Chapter Twenty-One
Zack
One day… one day had passed since Mila and I had slept together. That was it. And I was already going crazy. I didn’t know how to behave around her anymore. I didn’t know what to say to her. I had no idea what to do next. Hadn’t we agreed that we had no future? Now all I seemed to be able to do was to think of all the ways that we could get around that somehow.
I was throwing darts in the living room, but my mind was somewhere completely different, and my usually perfect aim was all over the place. Bones and Devon walked in and sat down, observing my throwing with quizzical expressions.
“What the hell is up with you today?” Bones asked.
“What?” I shrugged.
“Look at that fucking dart board,” Bones said, by way of an answer.
I turned back to the board and realized that I hadn’t even managed to hit it three of the six times I’d thrown. The wall was punctured with little holes from the fallen darts that had made their way to the floor.
“My head’s not in it today.”
“That’s obvious,” Bones nodded. “My question is why?”
I decided to just keep quiet, and Bones didn’t push me. I did notice that Devon barely said two words the whole time, however, despite the fact that I could feel his eyes on me.
“Any new leads?” I said, abandoning the darts and sitting down across from Bones and Devon.
“None at all,” Bones sighed. “His trail has run cold.”
“Not that it was ever really hot to begin with,” Devon pointed out.
He looked slightly annoyed as he looked me over, but I decided just to ignore him. I suspected that he knew about Mila and me without really knowing; he was just too scared to ask the question.
“Where’s Mila?” Devon asked, almost as though he had heard her name in my head.
“I don’t know,” I said, answering a little too quickly. “I don’t keep track of where she goes as long as she’s in the house.”
“She seemed a little down this morning,” Devon said, as though he expected me to answer.
I avoided his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. “He’s bound to show up somewhere. He can’t stay underground for long.”
“We need to figure out a way to flush the fucker out,” Devon said. “This waiting game is not helping anyone.”
“How do you propose we flush him out?” I demanded. “Short of standing in the streets and yelling out his name.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m seriously asking; what do you suggest?” I asked challengingly. “Because if he’s being protected by Godwin, then we have to be smart about this. The Knights already know we’re searching for someone called Walter Black. Going after him means confronting the Knights head on.”
“Which you want to avoid?” Devon asked, with one raised eyebrow.
“Obviously,” I said.
Bones looked between us like he was trying to figure out what was going on. The tension was building slowly, and it was starting to become palpable.
“Really… because I thought the only reason you agreed to take Mila in, in the first place, was because you wanted to get revenge on the Knights.”
“I wanted to get revenge on Godwin,” I clarified, refusing to back down. “There’s a difference.”
“Small difference.”
“There are other ways to get your revenge,” I pointed out. “Apart from open war.”
“Is there?” Devon asked. “Like what?”
“Hitting a powerful member of the group.”
“You’re assuming Walter Black is powerful…”
“I know that the persona that he’s been cultivating is meant to represent power,” I said. “Maybe he himself is only a pawn, but you hit him, you send a message to the entire group.”
“What makes you think that Godwin won’t retaliate?”
“Oh, he definitely will… if he cares enough about his men and his reputation,” I said. “But he won’t retaliate with open battle.”
“How
can you be sure?” Devon asked.
“Because I know the man,” I said. “I heard my father talk about him for years and years. Godwin doesn’t like taking heavy losses. He only engages in a fight when he knows he can win. The turf war was a shock to him. He was sure he would be the victor, and when he lost his son, his business, and half his men, it soured him. He’ll be more calculating this time. He’ll work in the shadows to achieve what he wants rather than risk another loss. Which is why he sent in this Walter Black in the first place. Why do you think I haven’t acted before now? It’s because that is exactly what Godwin wants me to do. I’ll be damned if I play into his hands.”
“Of course not because this whole fucking this is just about your ego and his, right?” Devon asked, and his tone was harsh and angry.
I knew the anger was misplaced, but I decided to be the bigger man for Mila’s sake. “I’m not going to deny that I have ulterior motives here,” I said. “But that’s not my only concern.”
“Oh no?” Devon asked. “And what is your other concern?”
I pursed my lips together and stayed silent. Devon was really starting to piss me off now, and I knew the only way I was going to prevent myself from knocking his lights out was to try and remain separate from the fight he was obviously angling for.
“You want to know what I think?” Devon asked when I didn’t say anything.
Bones sat up a little. “Come on, man,” he said, lowering his voice a little. “Shut this down; what’s the point in fighting amongst ourselves?”
Devon completely ignored him and continued, “I think that you want to prolong this wait. I think you don’t want to go looking for Walter Black because then this whole stakeout thing we’ve got going here would be over.”
“Why would I want to prolong it?” I demanded.
“Because you want to keep my sister here,” Devon said without missing a beat.
I felt my eyes bulge and the vein in my forehead pop with anger. I resisted the urge to ball my hands into fists. I had to resist the need to rise to his bait. I didn’t want to fight Devon because as much as I hated to admit it, Bones was right. Fighting amongst ourselves wouldn’t solve anything.