“Oh my god, oh my god!” I cry, looking over to see that there are penis straws in all the glasses. The table in the corner that I set up for the cake is now filled with cupcakes with little penis cake toppers.
“Dear, what is this?” my mother asks me with a forced smile on her face. My father is holding a glass of scotch, which he is sipping, mind you, through a penis straw.
“I didn’t order this. They made a mistake.” I look around, making sure everyone hears me.
One of the servers walks by with the chocolate penises. Of course, my mother grabs one before she even realizes what it is.
“Grammy, why are you eating a chocolate willy?” Rachel asks. “Look, Momma! It’s just like Gabe’s willy!” She grabs a balloon and runs over with it.
I look over at the guests, who are all snickering at this point. “Surprise!” Kaleigh yells. “You guys are in for a treat!”
Mom’s best friend, Sarah, comes up to me. “I love it, it’s very liberating. And fun,” she giggles as she takes a sip of her drink through her own penis straw.
I am completely and utterly humiliated, and I’m about two seconds away from sobbing in the middle of my backyard. The song “It’s My Party And I Can Cry If I Want To” is playing on repeat in my head. Tears well up in my eyes.
I’m about to have an epic meltdown, and we didn’t even serve the meal yet. I hear a knock on the side gate and in walk, or should I say saunter, Austin and his friend Noah.
Austin looks like sin on a stick. He’s dressed in blue jeans and a linen button-down shirt rolled up at the sleeves. His silver Rolex on his wrist, and his gold aviator glasses on his face. A dusting of two days’ worth of stubble gives him an edge. “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to crash your party,” he says with a megawatt smile on his face.
I look over at Noah, who is looking around at all the penises, his eyes bulging out of his head. He turns and looks at Austin and covers his mouth with his hand. It is in this moment that I know I’ve been played.
“You.” I point at Austin.
He walks up to me, turning his smile at Mom. “You must be Lauren’s sister,” he says, kissing her hand. She smiles and throws her head back and laughs.
“Oh, you silly boy. I’m Deidra, Lauren’s mother. You can call me Dede,” she invites while she smiles at him.
“You can call her nothing, because you’re leaving. Now. And”—I turn to him—“how did you know where I live?”
“Lauren, stop being rude to the guests,” my mother scolds while my father walks over and introduces himself. “Hello, son, I’m Frank, Lauren’s father.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “He isn’t a guest. This is my former boss.” I look at him. “I quit. Done. Finished. Finito. I’m out,” I snap with my hands on my hips.
“Who is the other one?” Kaleigh asks with a chin lift in Noah’s direction.
“That’s Noah,” I answer. “Gabe, can you go inside and get my car keys? Mr. Mackenzie was coming to get his dry cleaning,” I say to Gabe, who runs inside to get my keys.
“Mom, can I have a willy chocolate?” Rachel tugs at my skirt while she asks me the question.
“No, you cannot have a willy chocolate. We are going to eat in a minute.” I turn and storm inside, walking past the kitchen to the bathroom, where I try to slam the door shut, but a brown shoe blocks it from closing.
“Seriously, what do you want?” I look at him. He pushes the glasses to the top of his head. I blink away the tears that have formed in my eyes and look away from him so he doesn’t see. “Didn’t you get your revenge already?” I throw my hands up. “You penis-bombed my parents’ anniversary party!”
He leans against the closed door, folding his arms across his chest. His scent fills the room, making it feel small all of a sudden.
“You made my balls swell to the size of fucking grapefruits. I thought they were going to explode,” he fires back at me.
“I did no such thing.” I look at my shoes and then look up. “But this, this... You pushed it too far.”
“How about we call a truce?” Austin asks. “I don’t think I can take any more. I almost died, and my testicles almost exploded.”
“Fine,” I agree, putting out my hand to shake his. He grabs my hand in his, and the minute he touches me, my breath hitches and I try to pull my hand away, but he holds it firmly.
“Truce,” he promises, his thumb stroking my hand. I look down where our hands meet. The room is getting smaller and smaller.
Right as I start to lean into him, there is a loud knock. “Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but, um, Jake is here.”
Chapter Twelve
AUSTIN
The minute she told me she was having a brunch at her house, I set a plan in motion. This was after I called the dry cleaners and asked them if they changed soaps.
I was told that my clothes had been brought back with the very odd request that they be recleaned—twice. That little shit.
It took about thirty hours for the swelling in my balls to go down. Thirty hours of praying to every god I could think of that they would return to normal. I just didn’t want to have big balls anymore.
So when I finally calmed down, I put my plan in motion. I found her address in the company directory that only HR and higher management can access.
From there, I set out to find local businesses who sold party materials in the shape of a penis. I called in the event planner that I usually use, and she was nothing but professional. I was really surprised that she didn’t even bat an eye at my strange requests.
“Isn’t this a weird request?”
“Austin, you would be surprised the stuff I have had to find. Penises? Please. That’s like trying to find princesses nowadays.”
After telling her what I wanted, she set it all up to be delivered before noon. I called Noah and asked if he wanted to do brunch with me, but not telling him anything further in case he tried to talk me out of it.
When we show up in front of Lauren’s house, that is when I fill in Noah.
“Where the fuck are we? I thought you said we were going to brunch.” He looks over at all the white-picket-fenced houses.
“Yeah, pit stop first. I have to pick up my dry cleaning at Lauren’s,” I tell him, getting out of the car.
Once I make my way around her house, he asks me. “Why are we at her house?”
“She’s having a brunch.” I shrug. “I may have sent her some penis decorations,” I say before walking to the side of the gate.
The first thing I see are all the balloons. Fuck, the event planner wasn’t kidding when she said she could get anything.
“Holy shit, she is going to cut your dick off with dental floss,” I hear Noah say before I knock and walk into the backyard.
I stop in my tracks, mid-step, when I see that it isn’t just her parents, but there are about fifteen or so people scattered around the yard. Noah, of course, bumps into me, his mouth flopping open and closed in shock.
“Holy shit,” he whispers. “Dude, I think she’s going to cry,” he says, and my eyes snap straight to Lauren.
When I put this plan into motion, I assumed she would probably intercept the decorations before her guests saw them. I thought she would spend her morning trying to hide and/or dispose of them before they arrived, and then spend the party looking over her shoulder, fearful of another delivery.
I head over to her and the women who are obviously her sister and mother. Her mother, who is right then biting into a chocolate penis. I’m introduced to Lauren’s mother and father, and I’m pulling out all the charm. I’m not exactly sure why. I usually run away from parents.
I know she is seconds from slipping into meltdown mode, because she abruptly turns her back on her daughter and mother and hurries toward the house.
“Excuse me,” I tell her parents, walking right into her house after her. She walks into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, but not before I can wedge my shoe in there to block it from closing
.
“Seriously, what do you want?” She looks straight at me. I move the sunglasses that I’m still wearing off my face to the top of my head. I stare at her valiantly trying to hold it together, noticing the tears that are welling in her eyes. She blinks repeatedly and stands tall to face me down.
“Didn’t you get your revenge already?” She throws up her hands, and that’s when I notice how what she is wearing hugs all of her curves. The tank top that molds to her full breasts perfectly, and the skirt that skims her body in all the right places.
“You penis-bombed my parents’ anniversary party!”
I lean against the closed door, folding my arms across my chest. “You made my balls swell to the size of fucking grapefruits. I thought they were going to explode,” I fire at her.
“I did no such thing,” She tries to deny weakly. She breaks eye contact, looking down at her shoes for a moment, before she squares her shoulders and looks me in the eye. “But this, this... You pushed it too far.”
“How about we call a truce?” I ask. I have no idea why I’m even trying to get on her good side. “I don’t think I can take any more. I almost died, and my testicles almost exploded,” I tell her the truth.
“Fine,” she complies, putting out her hand to shake mine. I raise my hand to grab hers. The fit is perfect. As I take in the feeling of her hand in mine, I notice that they are soft, delicate yet strong. As soon as her hand slipped against mine, I felt my heart rate kick up. I rub my thumb along the soft skin of her hand, trying to find a reason why I shouldn’t just pull her into me and plant my lips on hers. The memory of her body pressed against mine at work the other day still lingers in my mind.
“Truce,” I whisper, my thumb still stroking her hand. She looks down at our hands that are still connected. It looks like she’s not even breathing.
I can feel her getting closer and closer to me. Then, right before I feel her start to lean into me, there is a loud knock. “Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but, um, Jake is here.”
She drops my hand like it’s a hot potato, pushing me aside and opening the door. Her sister greets us with a huge smile, Noah standing right behind her. “What do you mean, Jake is here? Why is Jake here?” I hear her asking, her voice rising with each question.
“Hi”—the sister pushes Lauren aside—“I’m Kaleigh, her favorite sister,” she introduces herself.
“She’s my only sister, and she will be homeless in a second if she doesn’t get out of my way.” Lauren’s voice is angry.
I hear Noah chuckle behind her. Lauren turns and points at him. “You, if I find out you helped him, it’s going to be on,” she hisses and leans in closer to him when she continues, “like Donkey Kong.” And then she walks away.
“What the fuck does she mean, like Donkey Kong?” Noah turns to Kaleigh, looking for an answer.
“Oh, I was only on that list once”—she leans in closer to Noah—“and I begged and cried to get off of it.” She looks at me then back at Noah. “It was like living in that movie The Shining , but worse.” Noah’s face pales at that little tidbit of information. Yeah, welcome to my world, buddy.
He points at me. “If I get it like Donkey Kong, I’m going to put the pictures of your swollen, abnormally large testicles on a billboard in Times Square,” he threatens, while Kaleigh just watches us.
“Who the fuck is Jake?” I ask her.
“Her ex. This should be fun,” she claims, walking away from us.
“You took a picture of my nuts?” I ask him.
He shakes his head at me. “No, I took a burst of shots of your nuts.” Then he walks out, following Kaleigh.
“What are you doing here?” I hear Lauren ask a guy who I assume is Jake.
“I forgot that today was going to be the brunch. I was going to see if Gabe wanted to hang out at the park.” He looks over at a boy who is standing in the corner of the yard, taking a picture of a penis balloon. That must be Lauren’s son.
“Why didn’t you call first?” she questions then shakes her head. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. He can’t go with you, so—”
“Daddy, look at all the willies,” Lauren’s miniature clone says as she walks over to him, two chocolate penises in her little hands. “You want to eat a willy?” She extends her hand to offer him one.
“No, honey, that’s okay, you can have them.” He looks around. “I should go,” he adds, nodding at everyone and then leaving the backyard.
“Hey, Mister.” The little girl looks up at me. “Who are you?” She is biting off the tip of the chocolate penis in her little hand.
“I’m your mom’s boss,” I explain to her, squatting down in front of her.
“Oh, you’re the Asshat?” she wonders, and Lauren’s hand flies to cover her daughter’s mouth in an effort to muffle whatever else she was going to say.
I look up at Lauren to see her shrug her shoulders. “This is Rachel and that is my son, Gabe.” She points back to the kid in the corner, who just raises his hand in a little wave.
“Are we eating or not?” Frank asks.
“Yes,” Lauren answers. “Everyone, please grab a seat wherever you feel comfortable. I’m going to tell Edward we are ready.”
“You two can sit at my table,” Kaleigh invites, while Lauren walks away.
She doesn’t make it inside before she turns around. “They aren’t staying.”
“Oh, come now, Lauren. That would be rude,” Dede chides. “You can sit at our table.” She turns to Frank. “Let’s go sit down, honey.”
Once everyone is seated, I look around at our table. Noah, Kaleigh, Frank, Dede, Lauren, and Josh, who I found out is a doctor and bears a striking resemblance to Newman from Seinfeld .
He sits next to Lauren, standing up when she gets to the table and pushing her chair in. She looks over at him and smiles.
What the fuck is that smile all about? I wonder as I grab my glass of wine and down it in one gulp. “Slow down there, slugger. We don’t want you flying off on one of those penis balloons,” Noah whispers in my ear.
“So,” Josh starts, looking at Lauren. “I hear congratulations are in order. You’re back in the work force now.” He continues in that annoyingly nasal voice of his, “How does this weekend sound?” He blushes and looks down to his hands. What a putz.
“Oh, um, she can’t do it this weekend,” Kaleigh answers for Lauren. “She’s having her bikini area waxed and styled,” she explains, nodding her head.
“What?” He looks confused.
“Well,”—Kaleigh leans in and whispers—“it’s like the Amazon down there.”
Noah spits water from his mouth, while their mother puts her hand to her mouth and Lauren throws her fork down on the plate, the clatter hushing the whispers at our table. “Kaleigh,” she grates out, her jaw ticking.
“What?” she asks. “Was it a secret?” She shrugs. “So sorry.” She brings her glass of wine to her mouth in an attempt to hide her smirk.
“Dear,” Lauren’s mother questions, “are you okay? Is this procedure normal?” She gives her daughter a look filled with concern.
“Mom—” Lauren starts before she is cut off by her father.
“Lauren, it’s been a while since Jake left. Maybe if you—” he gestures with his hand in a circle and his finger sliding in and out—“you won’t be so stressed.”
I look over at Lauren, whose face is red with embarrassment and looks like she is going to lunge right over the table and throttle Kaleigh. She slams her hands on the table, the glasses clinking and rocking with the force of it. “I’m not having any hair removal procedures done, because it is not necessary. Can we please just—” This time, she is cut off by her mother.
“So, you’ve had sex since Jake?” Dede asks her, a smile on her face. “This is so good to hear.” She claps her hands together then leans over and puts her hand on Lauren’s. “I thought you had that glow about you.”
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Lauren excuses herself as she g
ets up and points to Kaleigh. “You”—she growls—“come with me.”
“Oh,” Kaleigh replies, completely unperturbed, “I’m good. I don’t need to go. I’ll just wait here. Keep the guests entertained.”
“Not a word. Or else Donkey Kong,” she promises before she storms off.
“So,” Dede starts, turning to me. “How long have you two been dating?” She looks at me and then at the door that Lauren just walked through.
Kaleigh laughs. “Oh, they aren’t dating, Mom. He’s her boss,” she helpfully points out. “He sent all these penis balloons.”
Frank looks over at me. “You sent all these balloons and ruined all her hard work?” he asks.
“Um, sir, if I could just explain?” I start as my heart beats fast. Before I can say anything else, he puts up his hand to stop me.
“I like you,” he declares right before someone clinks their glass and the speeches start.
I look around at the yard, taking in Lauren’s family and friends. I sip my glass of wine and look over at Noah, who has his arm draped around Kaleigh’s chair and is whispering in her ear. Whatever he’s saying is causing her cheeks to turn pink.
The seat next to me gets pulled out when Lauren’s daughter sits down next to me. “Hey, Asshat, can I have your strawberries?” I look over her head to the door where Lauren disappeared a few moments before and see her walking back outside. With an angry scowl on her face. Oh, shit, the naked strippers must have arrived.
Chapter Thirteen
LAUREN
I am in hell. Something or someone out there is driving the karma bus right into me. What I want to know is, what the fuck did I do wrong and to whom?
Not only is my boss, the bane of my existence, sitting at a table in my backyard with my parents at their anniversary brunch—after he sent me a yard-full of penis balloons, every single penis-themed party decoration known to man, and more penis-shaped chocolates on a stick than one woman could ever possibly eat— but as if that weren’t enough, I’m now face-to-face with what appears to be the entire cast of the Australian all-male revue Thunder From Down Under .
Tempt The Boss Page 9