by Jessica Marx
Ryan impatiently pushes the button and lets the driver know he’ll be right down. Then he wraps his arms around me, holding my body tight against his in our final embrace. I hug him back, and we stand there for a moment.
“I love you,” Ryan whispers in my ear.
“I love you too,” I say, holding back the inevitable flow of tears that are coming.
He gives my body a final squeeze, picks up his suitcases, and smiles quickly at me before walking out the door. I’m sure he doesn’t want me to see him crying, but I do.
I watch him descend the stairs, close the door, and immediately break down. All the emotion and sadness I’ve been holding back is finally being released. I sit on the floor with my back against the door, sobbing heavily. I have my head between my knees and I notice Ryan’s boxes are next to me, making me fully aware of what just happened. I wish they would have picked them up before he left—now they will just be a constant reminder.
I stay there for a while, crying and feeling sorry for myself, allowing myself to be weak, letting myself feel everything.
I sit for what feels like hours, but I know it’s only been minutes. I wait until I calm down and have no more tears and take a deep breath before I get up. It’s still early morning, and I have the whole day ahead of me, although I really don't know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone, and I don’t have to, so I resign to staying home and feeling sorry for myself.
I walk to Ryan’s room and take a look around. All of his things are gone and other than his dresser and bed—the room is empty. I close the door and decide not to open it again for a long time. I walk into the kitchen to make a snack, but I’m just not hungry. I settle on watching some television in bed and trying to zone out. I just stare at the screen, not absorbing anything, just thinking about Ryan, and at some point, I fall asleep.
I wake up several hours later. My face feels swollen and my nose stuffy, but I’m glad I got some sleep, anyway. I stay in bed for a while, still not wanting to do anything, turning over the events of the last week in my head. I need to get up and stop the endless circle of thought.
I amble back into the kitchen and look in the fridge for something to eat. I put a sandwich together and sit on the couch. It’s not much better than lying in bed but I guess it’s a step up. I turn on the television again and put on a show to try and grab my attention. I glance at the Christmas tree out of the corner of my eye. I’m going to have to take that down now that Ryan is gone; it’s just another reminder I don’t need around.
I spend the rest of the day moping around and doing a whole lot of nothing. Ryan sends me a text that he landed and is going to check out his new place. He also says he misses me. My eyes fill with tears and I reply with congratulations, good luck wishes, and smiley faces, which are the complete opposite of how I feel right now.
I wake up the next morning determined to be productive. I have a couple of unanswered texts and phone calls asking how I am and if Ryan got off okay that I should tend to. I return the texts with short answers and save the calls for another day before I get ready for work. I’m scheduled on a day shift which is good because it will force me to get out of the apartment. I get dressed and brave the cold, spending the next several hours working behind the bar. It feels like a much longer day than it is, but putting on a happy face for a while actually helps lift my spirits a little. I come home feeling slightly better and try to ignore the boxes by the door. They are supposed to be picked up tomorrow—I can’t wait.
I spend the rest of the week doing about the same thing. Getting by with a happy facade at work and spending a lot of time in my room. Ryan and I have texted every day. We only spoke once so far, but that’s because I keep pretending I’m at work when he calls. I’m just not ready to talk to him. He seems to be getting along and adjusting to his new surroundings. It sounds like he’s happy and excited, as he should be, but I’m still so sad that he’s gone, so I don’t want to bring him down.
There are only a couple of days left before Christmas. I do a little last-minute shopping, picking up some things to give to my parents. I haven’t seen or spoken to them much in the last few weeks. I’m looking forward to spending some time with them and having their company. They have no idea what happened, and I have no intention of telling them. I’m sure they will understand that I’m sad, but they don’t need to know the whole story.
I spend the evening before Christmas Eve in my apartment, wrapping gifts and getting in the holiday spirit. I’m preparing to head home to my parents’ house in the morning when I get a text from Tara. I haven’t spoken to her all week. We texted a few times but I’ve really been avoiding everyone. I’m feeling pretty good tonight so I decide to give her a call back instead of replying to her text.
“Hey! I was wondering if you were ever going to call me again,” Tara says in lieu of a simple “hello.”
The sound of her voice makes me light up. I must need a friend more than I thought. “Hey, girl. I missed you. Just been catching up on some things.”
“Yeah, I bet. How are you holding up over there?” she asks.
“I’m fine. A little lonely, but I’ll get used to it.”
“I guess you’re not used to sleeping alone,” Tara says. She has a friendly tone, but the way she said that is full of implications.
“What do you mean?” Does she think Ryan and I have been sleeping together?
“Come on, I saw you guys.”
“Saw who? You’re losing me.”
“You and Ryan. I saw you holding hands on his last night here,” Tara answers plainly.
Oh, yes. I forgot about that. “I don’t even remember. I guess it was no big deal,” I lie. I have no desire to get into a conversation about me and Ryan right now. If it comes down to it and I choose to go to California, I’ll let everyone know. But for now, I’m not admitting to anything, even to my best friend.
“Whatever. I’m not an idiot. I know there is something going on between you two. That’s some scandalous stuff and I love it! You’ll tell me all about it when you’re ready.” She says, then adds, “So, what are you doing for Christmas? Hanging with the ‘rents? Bet that’s gonna be weird, huh?”
I just laugh uneasily. We continue to talk for a while about nothing of importance, just catching up. We promise to get together after Christmas, and possibly for New Year’s Eve. I can’t plan for that yet—I’m still taking everything day by day.
Despite her probing questions, I’m in a really good mood when we hang up and decide it’s a good time to call Ryan. If talking to Tara can make me feel this good, maybe talking to Ryan will too. Maybe even better.
I dial his number but my call goes to voicemail. I leave a cheery message and I’m pleased with myself that I finally feel up to calling and talking to Ryan. I feel hopeful now that things are starting to get better.
I clean up my mess and finish packing my bags for the morning. For the first time all week, I doze off easily and sleep peacefully through the night.
18
I collect my things and head off to Penn Station after breakfast. My father meets me when I get in to give me a ride to the house. He gets out of the car when he sees me and greets me with a big hug. Then he helps put my things in the car and we take off.
“It’s so nice to see you, Eve,” he says as we drive.
“Yeah. I’m happy to be here. I can’t believe it’s Christmas already,” I reply.
“Me, either. Time flies. Mom and I have had plans almost every weekend,” Dad answers. “We all don’t see each other as much as we should. It’s silly.”
“It is. It’s my fault, too. I’m not as busy—I don’t really have an excuse.” I’m feeling kind of bad now that I haven’t taken the short ride back to see my parents that often.
“Don’t worry, princess. You’re young, you’re living your dream—that’s important, too,” my stepfather says. “Maybe one day you’ll run off to California like Ryan, but for now, you’re here and lif
e is good. Let’s enjoy this time while we have it.”
We pull up to the house and I see smoke coming from the chimney. I’m looking forward to the warm, cozy surroundings and being with my parents. A little coddling and some home-cooking is just what I need about now.
My step father helps me carry my things into the house. When we open the door, I smell the familiar scent of cinnamon and spices. The air is warm and there is holiday music playing in the background. My mother is in the kitchen, pulling something out of the oven. She appears to be cooking up a feast for Christmas Eve.
Mom pulls off her over mitts and embraces me in a big bear hug, “Oh, it’s so good to see you,” she says before letting me go.
“It’s good to be here. Whatever you’re making smells incredible,” I reply and step away to take a look at what she has going on in the kitchen.
“Same thing we have every Christmas Eve, and it gets better every time,” Mom answers proudly. “I was just going to have some coffee. Would you like to join me?”
“Sure,” I reply. I grab a mug for each of us. “Dad, would you like some?”
“Yes, please,” he replies and takes a seat at the table.
Mom and I make the cups of coffee and join my father at the table. I tell them all about living in Manhattan—well, I tell them most things about it. I talk about the class we all took together and one I am going to sign up for. I haven’t had an audition in a while, so I also want to try and put myself out there again. I talk about pretty much everything except Ryan.
“So, how do you like living alone now?” mom asks.
“It’s not too bad. Ryan and I weren’t on the same schedule, so it’s not that noticeable that he’s not there,” I lie.
“I don’t know how I feel about you living there all by yourself,” Dad says. “Do you plan on finding another roommate?”
“I don’t know. I’m really fine, Dad,” I assure him. “Ryan is still paying his share, so I don’t really have to. I mean, I’m getting older, I can’t have a roommate forever. That’s what cats are for.”
“How is Ryan doing in California?” Mom asks, “have you heard from him? He doesn’t really call much…”
“We’ve spoken a couple of times. He seems to be doing just fine.” I’m trying to be vague so maybe they will move on to something else.
“I can’t believe he’s going to be in a movie!” my mom says excitedly. “I can’t wait to see it.”
“I’m sure it will be a while before it’s out. Is anyone joining us for dinner?” I ask. It’s time to move on.
My mom rattles off the short list of relatives who will be joining us for dinner tonight, as they do each year. She catches me up on the latest family news and we finish our coffee. Dad takes the paper and sits by the fire, and I help my mother prepare dinner and set the dining room table for our guests.
The evening is prefect as far as family gatherings go. It’s very cold outside, but inside is warm and inviting. The fire is burning and everyone is in good spirits. Dinner is delicious and even though everyone is stuffed, we still manage to have dessert. I catch up with my relatives and spend some time with my cousins who I haven’t seen since last Christmas.
After everyone leaves, we clean the kitchen and put everything away. I fetch my bags and place the gifts for my parents under the tree. I smile as I look at the tree and the ornaments that all hold memories of my childhood. We say goodnight and all head up to bed. Just as I get comfortable, my phone rings. It’s Ryan.
“Hello?” I answer. I am suddenly nervous and excited—the opposite of how I’ve been all day.
“Hey! I’m glad you answered,” Ryan says, sounding relieved. “I miss you so much. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you.”
“Yeah, sorry. I’ve been working a lot and I never know when to call with the time difference and your new schedule,” I explain.
“No worries. At least we’re here now. So, what’s going on? Are you at our parents’ house?”
I tell him all about my day. It feels so good to be talking to him again. I can’t believe I’ve been so scared to call him. “Where are you? Do you have anywhere to go for Christmas?”
“I do. I hooked up with one of my old friends. He invited me to come spend the day with him and his wife.”
“Sounds nice. I’m glad you’ll have company. How’s everything else going?” I ask him.
“So far, so good. Just doing a lot of prepping and researching. Trying to get settled and learn about my role, and a million other things I have no clue about. I’m kind of nervous.”
“You’ll be great,” I assure him. “They chose you for a reason.”
“I guess. I miss you so much, Eve. I need you here. It’s ridiculous that we just got together and I had to leave. I don’t want to be away from you.”
“We’ll be back together soon enough,” I say. “No matter what.”
We talk for a long time about nothing and everything before hanging up. I promise Ryan I’ll make more time for him, and I mean it. He tells me he loves me and I believe him. I love him, too. The timing just sucks, but we will make it work. I am really considering going to California—maybe just for a little while, to see what happens. We end the call on a great note and I’m so glad we spoke.
Christmas morning is perfect. I wake up in a fantastic mood after my conversation with Ryan. I go downstairs and have breakfast and coffee. My stepdad lights a fire and we sit under the tree and open gifts, and for a moment, I feel like I’m a kid again. My parents appreciate the little gifts I got for them, and I love opening the things they got me. We lounge around for the rest of the day, eating leftovers and enjoying each other’s company.
19
My stepfather offers me a ride back to my apartment so I don’t have to carry everything on the train. We arrive back around lunchtime and he finds parking easily so he can come up with me. He hasn’t been here since I moved in and is impressed with the way things look. I think he’s just happy the door is still up. He also doesn’t seem too fazed that Ryan is gone. He stays for a little while and we eat lunch before he drives back to the island and I get ready for work.
The bar is pretty crowded with so many people in town. The holiday parties usually continue straight through the new year. The drinks are flowing and people are still full of joy and holiday spirit. I don’t get home until very late, and the same pattern continued through my next three shifts at work. The money is fantastic, but I’m exhausted. I sleep very late on my day off, and it’s the perfect opportunity to catch up on the cleaning I’ve been neglecting the last couple of weeks.
I call Tara while I’m having coffee and she invites me to a party at their place for New Year’s Eve. They have a cool community room which one of her roommates had the smarts to reserve a year ago. It will be nice to see my friends. I’ve still been keeping to myself and working so it’s been a while. I begin the cleaning efforts in my room since that’s where I’ve been spending most of my time. I put away my clothes and gifts from Christmas and move into the living area.
Our little Christmas tree is pretty dead at this point. I have to take it down. I place the ornaments in a small box, unstring the lights, and put it all in the closet. I pick up the tree to bring it to the trash and see a red envelope with my name on it. I place the tree back on the floor and pick up the card—it has to be from Ryan.
I open it up and there is a card with a folded piece of paper inside. When I unfold the paper, I see it’s an airline ticket he must have printed online. It’s an open-ended round trip ticket to California. I’m shocked. I put it down and read the card:
* * *
Eve,
Merry Christmas! I hope you like your present. If you want to get me something in return, I would just love for you to use it.
Being with you, making love to you—I know it was meant to be. You’re my girl, and I know that I never want to be with anyone else. I hope you decide to come here and be with me. I promise I will make you so happy. I love you, E
ve. I always have and I always will.
Ryan
* * *
My eyes are filled with tears when I reach the end. I do love Ryan. I should be with him. I have to make it happen. I compose myself enough to call him and let him know I got his gift. I get Ryan’s voicemail and leave a message. I send him a text but there is no immediate reply. I’m sure he’s working. He said he was going to be very busy right after Christmas.
I go about the rest of my day with thoughts of Ryan on my mind. I am trying to make plans while I get things done. I have a workshop starting the first week of the year, but it’s only two weeks of classes, so I can go after that. The beginning of the year is always the slowest in the hospitality business, so I’m sure my boss won’t mind if I take off for a couple of weeks. Everyone knows Ryan and I are friends, so I can just say I want to visit him and get out of the cold for a little while. If they suspect something, so be it.
I’m on cloud nine. I feel like everything is falling into place. Ryan and I are in love, and even if we are thousands of miles apart right now, we will make it work.
I fly through the next few days until New Year’s Eve. I speak to Ryan and let him know how thankful and excited I am to come and see him. I’m just waiting to clear the dates with work and I will book a flight. Ryan sounds ecstatic, which makes it that much better. We are now being very open about our feelings for each other when we talk on the phone; and even talk about the future. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I know it will be incredible.
20
I show up at Tara’s on New Year’s Eve, dressed to kill and ready for some fun. I haven’t been out in a long time and I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I am greeted like a long lost friend, which I almost am, with hugs and kisses and lots of smiles. There are a lot of people here, many of whom I don’t know, but all of my friends made it. It doesn’t take long before most of us are pretty buzzed and dancing to the music being played by the DJ. I wasn’t feeling the alcohol though. I stuck to water and sprite and just enjoyed myself. The party is awesome—it’s the perfect scene to ring in the new year. I only wish Ryan was here.