by Jessica Marx
Our relationship is real, and has been growing for so long, but us as a couple and being in love is still so new. I don’t want to try and be together and then have Ryan feel stuck because of a child. This is not how I pictured my life, my future. I haven’t even started my own career yet and now I’m going to have a child to raise.
I don’t know the first thing about babies. I’m an only child myself, and haven’t spent any time around little kids or babies. I have no clue what is involved, not with pregnancy, labor, infants, the whole thing is a mystery. I try to envision living in my apartment alone with a baby or a small child, and I can’t. I will need help and support. I’m sure my mother will give me all that, but I don’t know what my stepfather’s reaction will be. He tends to be very judgmental when it comes to the boys I date. He’s come a long way, but finding out his son knocked up his stepdaughter is going to be a big pill to swallow.
I do the math again in my head and determine I’m about five weeks pregnant. I still have time before I will start showing and have to tell everyone. Ryan has to be the first to know. Once we decide what to do, then I can tell everyone else. I just can’t let him ruin his career. I can’t have that on my shoulders and he will never get a chance like this again. You have to strike while the iron is hot in this business and if he turns away now, there will be no going back.
This whole train of thought has me sicker to my stomach, more so than I’ve been. At least I haven’t been throwing up, only feeling like I’m going to.
I get under the covers and curl up, wrapping my hands over my belly again. I know this can be a wonderful thing, but the timing and the circumstance is just so wrong.
I hear my phone buzz and see Ryan is calling me, but I can’t talk to him now. It’s going to be hard to keep this from him, but I have to for now. I have to get more comfortable with the idea myself before I present it to him, and it has to be face to face.
22
I join my parents for breakfast before I leave to go back to my apartment. I’m not hungry, but have some toast and a little coffee to appease my mother. I don’t want her to worry that something is wrong. I smile when I say goodbye, give her a big hug, and assure her that I am fine. My stepfather gives me a ride to the train station and I am back in my apartment before noon.
I stop at the drug store and pick up a pregnancy test before I go back to my apartment. I need to see for myself. Maybe the doctor was wrong and I’m worrying about nothing. I get home, put my things down, and go straight into the bathroom to take the test. It barely takes two minutes for the line to appear—it’s positive. I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t be, but I had a little hope. I start to cry again.
I collapse onto the couch. I’ve been holding it in since yesterday and it is such a relief to just let it go. I’m not just sad, I’m angry and confused and frustrated. I kick the coffee table in front of me and then hug my knees to my chest and cry some more. Getting a major role in a movie is life-changing. Finding out you’re pregnant is life-changing, too, but they’re two totally different kinds of changes. I won’t have time now to even begin my career. My life will be all about this child.
I continue to cry and let myself be upset until I calm down enough to think rationally. I need to make some decisions with a clear head. I’ll do some research online to get some info about being pregnant, then the first thing I need to do is see an OB/GYN to get checked out and make sure everything is okay. Once I do that, I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I can’t live here. I can’t be walking up three flights of stairs every day, not when I’m very pregnant, and not with a baby and all the fun accessories they come with. I’m going to have to stay with my parents, which means I’m also going to have to tell them. I have to tell Ryan first, though. Oh my God, this is crazy.
I finally stop crying and switch into “action” mode. I can be sad and angry, but I also need to get things done. I look online for some ratings and find a doctor near my apartment to make an appointment with. If I’m not going to tell anyone yet, I can’t be going back home and having my mother take me to the doctor. I call the office that appears to be the best choice and make an appointment. I stay on my computer and look up random facts and information about pregnancy and my body, and all the important stuff that I should probably be aware of.
I’m going to have to make so many changes, and there won’t be a way to hide this forever. I don’t know how I am going to do that, anyway. I really need to talk to someone—as much as I hate to admit it, I need help. I’ve been keeping too many secrets lately and the stress and anxiety of it all is too much for me, and I’m sure too much for the baby, as well.
I think about it for a while and come to the decision that I will tell Tara. I need to talk it through with her. Maybe she can give me some advice or help or just listen so I can get all these secrets off my chest. I feel bad not telling Ryan or my mother first, but I’m desperate right now. I can’t wait until I get to California, and I can’t tell my mother until he knows and we have some sort of plan. I think it’s the best decision for now.
I have to work tonight, so I send Tara a text and ask if she wants to have coffee tomorrow. She agrees so we pick a place and plan to meet. I save some of the web pages I had been looking at and copy down the doctor’s info. I get in the shower and get ready for my shift. I realize while I’m getting ready that bartending is something else I won’t be able to do while I’m pregnant. I’ll put that on the list of things in my life that are going to change.
Ken is at the bar when I arrive. I haven’t seen him in a while and he’s all smiles and full of his usual wise cracks and one liners. I put on my best act and smile along with him, acting as if nothing is wrong.
“You look different, Eve,” he says when I hand him his second beer.
I immediately put my hands on my belly. It’s not any bigger, but my response was automatic.
“I don’t think you gained weight,” Ken says, laughing at my reaction. “You look beautiful, as always.”
That’s all that was said about it, but I see I’m obviously self-conscious about it already. I might have to go back to hiding in my apartment and avoiding contact with my friends and family until I’m ready to come out and tell everyone.
The rest of the night goes on in usual fashion, a little less crowded than we’ve been because of the time of year. Ken says goodnight and it was actually nice to see him. He’s an acquaintance, not really a friend, so the only things he knows about me are what I choose to share. It’s nice to have someone like that in my life.
I get home pretty late and I’m exhausted. I have to work again tomorrow night which I’m dreading now—I’m just so tired. I get right into bed and fall fast asleep. After work and two days of crying and thinking, it’s exactly what I need.
I feel somewhat better the next morning, but not great. I’m nauseous when I wake up again and still a little tired. I’m meeting Tara in a couple of hours so I have some tea and take my time getting dressed and ready to go. I bundle up because it’s still so cold out and walk the short distance to the café that’s between our apartments. Tara is already there waiting for me.
“Hey, girl!” she says excitedly, giving me a hug.
“Hey,” I reply. I’m anxious about our meeting, but I’m not sure if she notices.
The hostess seats us and we order drinks. I get another cup of tea. My stomach is still a little upset and I’m cold from my walk. I ask Tara what’s new with her. Other than the couple of classes we took together, we haven’t spent much time together at all. She tells me about the audition she went on and hopes to snag, and also about a date she went on last night that was awful. I feel bad because I’m only partially listening. I keep thinking about what I’m going to say when it’s my turn to talk.
“So, what’s up with you?” Tara asks. It’s such a simple question, but I’m having a hard time coming up with an answer.
“Not much,” I say with a shrug.
“Is it weird with
Ryan gone? How’s he doing?”
“It’s a little strange. He says he’s doing really well. He’s loving California and says his costars are great.”
“Is that who he was partying with on New Year’s Eve? I wonder if he hooked up with any famous actresses,” Tara says, caught up in the Hollywood drama as usual.
This is starting to get awkward for me, I need to take control of the conversation. “I don’t think so. I mean, I hope not.”
“What do you mean?” Tara asks anxiously. She can tell I’m holding back.
“Well, Ryan and I are kind of in a relationship,” I say. “I mean, I don’t know what we are. He called me his girlfriend. He wants me to come to California. It’s just so weird.”
“What?” Tara asks incredulously. “When did this happen?”
“Right before he left. He told me he loved me, and I think I love him,” I answer more freely now.
“I knew it!” she cries. “I always knew you guys would hook up! You and your stepbrother! So scandalous! This is Cruel Intentions sexy. I love it.”
I smile wanly. “Yeah. It’s great, I guess. The timing is terrible though. We realized we are in love, and then he left.”
“You should go to California, Eve. Why not? It would be amazing.”
“I’m going to visit, but I don’t know, it’s just so soon. He has so much going on, and I don’t want to feel like I’m just there to tag along,” I tell her.
“I think he would be happy to have you there. It’s so obvious that he always loved you.”
“There’s more,” I say after a time. “Tara, we did something so stupid.”
“Did you elope?” she asks.
“No,” I pause. “I’m pregnant.”
There it is. I said it out loud. It is officially true, and someone else knows. I can breathe a little easier already. Tara just stares at me. I think she might be in shock, just like I was when I heard.
“Holy shit,” she finally says. “What did Ryan say?”
“I haven’t told him yet. I haven’t told anyone yet. I just found out two days ago. I’ve been so upset and scared. I had to tell someone, but I didn’t want to tell him over the phone.” I’m talking fast, trying to get everything off my chest.
“Holy shit,” Tara says again. “What are you going to do? Girl you better be keeping the baby…”
“I’m keeping it. I made an appointment to see the doctor, and I’ll take it from there. I will be in California in a couple of weeks and I’ll tell Ryan then. You can’t tell anyone. Not yet. I have to tell Ryan, first.”
“Of course,” she assures me. “This is crazy, Eve. I did not expect to be having this conversation today, especially not with you.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t really a planned event,” I answer drily.
“Well, congratulations,” Tara says. “How are you? How do you feel? I have so many questions…”
I fill her in on how I’ve been feeling and what I know so far, which isn’t much. I tell her about a lot of what I’ve been thinking and how I’m going to see Ryan. I expect him to be shocked but okay about the news, and she agrees, although you never know in situations like this. I also haven’t seen him in over a month, at this point, so I don’t know what he has going on that he hasn’t told me about.
I’m glad I opened up to Tara. It feels so good to get all of this off my chest and actually talk to someone about it. I feel better knowing that she agrees with a lot of my thoughts and can help me rationalize everything.
We spend almost two hours at the café together. Tara promises she will keep my secret for now, and whatever I need, she will help me. She’s going to come to my first appointment with me for support, which means the world to me. It will be much easier having someone by my side, even if it’s not Ryan.
We hug goodbye and Tara squeezes me. “I promise everything will work out. Thank you for telling me. Next time, don’t wait so damn long.”
“Thank you for being such a good friend,” I reply.
We leave and go our separate ways, and I walk home feeling like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. When I get home, I text her the doctor appointment info so she can make herself available to come. I thank her again and then get ready for work again tonight.
23
I work through the weekend and spend my free time sleeping. Every time I speak to Ryan, I want to tell him, but I can’t. Things are going well between us, and this long-distance relationship we’ve formed seems to be working out. We’re both looking forward to my trip to California, which is just over a week away. I can’t wait to see him, and he’s excited to show me around and introduce me to everyone he’s met. I really hope he takes the news of my pregnancy as well as I expect him to.
Tara comes with me to my doctor’s appointment. The staff there is super friendly and happy about pregnancy and babies, which is a good thing, considering it’s their job. They are warm and welcoming and make me feel good about my situation even more by not judging me. I’m single and here with a friend, which doesn’t seem so much like the norm around here.
The doctor is pleasant. She does an ultrasound and informs me that I’m just about seven weeks along. Tara and I are both enchanted by the sound of the heartbeat; this is so new to both of us. I’m still filled with a lot of fear and doubt, but hearing the heartbeat and knowing there is really a little life growing inside me makes me think it will all be worth it.
I wish my mother was here to share in the joy I’m now feeling. I think once she gets over the surprise of it all, she’ll be delighted to know she’s going to be a grandma. I hope my stepfather will get on board with the rest of us and share in the happiness, but it may take him a while. I’m anxious to tell Ryan. It’s too bad I don’t have a recording of this to show him.
I make my next appointment before I leave. Tara and I go to the diner after to have some lunch and talk. She is thrilled and already calling herself “auntie.” I wish she could be there when I tell Ryan. Tara is much more emotional than me in general, and her feelings about this baby are contagious. I’m actually thinking of taking her with me when it’s time to tell my parents, but I don’t think they would appreciate her knowing before them.
We finish our lunch and I’m feeling pretty good. I don’t have to work today, so I run a couple of errands on my way back to the apartment. I plan on staying home and not doing much of anything. Since I’m in an unusually good mood, I call my mother to talk to her. I’ve been so down, and I know she’s worried about me. I’m sure she will appreciate hearing me in good spirits, and she does.
We talk for a while and I let her know I’m working a lot before I leave for California so I probably won’t see her. I could really take the time to visit, but I don’t want to see her or my stepfather until I’m ready to tell them the news. I hate lying to them.
I breeze through the rest of the week; working and sleeping and getting ready for my trip. Ryan sends me texts throughout each day, making me smile. He’s eager to see me and says he has a surprise—little does he know, I have a bigger one in store for him.
24
I’m packed and ready to go. I didn’t get any sleep last night because I’m so filled with emotion. I’m so excited to see Ryan—it’s been so long. We barely had any time together after we declared our love, and I long to be with him. I’m also terrified to tell him I’m pregnant. I haven’t figured out how to work that into a conversation yet. I’m counting on my instincts being right and him being happy about it. I’m hoping for the best.
I call my parents on the way to the airport to let them know I’m leaving and say goodbye. Then I send Tara a text and she wishes me luck. I also text Ryan and let him know I’m getting closer. He sends me back some smiley face and heart emojis. The driver helps me unload my suitcase and I get my luggage checked in. I have some time to kill so after I get through security I walk around to pick up snacks and something to read.
I’m thumbing through some magazines and a photo catches my eye. I stop
cold and as I read the blurb I feel the color drain from my face. My body goes numb and I stand there frozen with my gaze locked on the page. I’m staring at a full page photo of Ryan and Calista James, one of Hollywood’s hottest actresses, and Ryan’s costar in the movie. They’re standing outside what looks like a restaurant and she is snuggled up against him. The article says they’ve been seen “canoodling” around town together and we should “look out for this hot new couple.”
Tears start running down my cheeks. I feel sick to my stomach, much sicker than I have felt in a long time. I make a move to leave the shop and the clerk stops me because I’m still holding the magazine and a bag of chips I haven’t paid for. Annoyed, I go to the counter and pay for the magazine. I can’t leave it there, I need to keep it so I have proof—proof of what a fool I am. Evidence of how stupid I have been thinking Ryan was going to wait for me. A reminder for the future when I’m raising a child alone while it’s father is canoodling his way through Hollywood’s newest and hottest girls of the month.
I don’t know who the bigger asshole is, me or Ryan. He’s been stringing me along, lying to me, making me feel like I’m the only woman in his life—telling me I’m the only girl he needs. I’m such and idiot for believing him. I should have realized that once he left New York and his friends to start living his new life as a movie star, he would change, just like he was afraid he would. What a dick. Here I am, pregnant and on my way to fly across the country to see him, and he’s been playing me for weeks.
I walk back through the terminal to where I checked in and let the attendant know I won’t be able to get on my flight due to an “emergency.” They will do what they can, but most likely, I will have to wait for my bag to be shipped back to New York once it gets to California, or something like that. I’m barely listening and I don’t really care right now. I walk back out into the cold and hail a cab. I’m still crying, but I’m also fuming with anger. I’m mad at Ryan, and even madder at myself. I let my guard down, I let him in, I was convinced what we had was real, but all of it was a joke.