“She’s not yours.” I cried as the anger that I’d repressed for years rose to the surface. “You know that!”
“She doesn’t!” he bellowed. “She thinks I’m her Daddy. How are you going to explain that one?”
“I don’t know yet,” I muttered as I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’ll figure it out.”
“Like hell you will!” He stormed over to stand toe-to-toe with me.
“Don’t threaten me,” I hissed. “I’ve been dealing with this crap since I was seven.”
Andy’s anger deflated as fast as it had appeared, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me,” he slumped down in a chair and buried his head in his hands. “Is this why you kept turning me down? You felt like you couldn’t tell me who you were?”
“It’s part of it,” I mumbled. “Andy,” I moved beside him and cupped his cheek. “I didn’t know if I’d have to leave again. I didn’t want to drag you into this. If I’d told you, then you’d have to come with me.”
“I would have, you know? I would have given up everything.” He looked up at me with sad eyes.
“I know. I think that’s part of the reason I didn’t tell you. This life isn’t an easy one,” I let my hand fall. “I’ve got to go back. I have to tell him about her.”
“What?” Andy gasped.
I refused to look at him. I knew I’d see his pain. “He needs to know.”
“So you’ve already decided this? I don’t even get a say?” He shook his head.
“I told you; she’s not yours. Can you honestly tell me that if things were different and she was yours, and you didn’t know about her, that you’d be ok with that?” I turned to face him and the look on his face almost broke my heart.
He nodded slowly, “I love you. You know that right?”
“I know,” I whispered.
“And you know I’d do anything for you… right?” He touched my shoulder as he stood.
I nodded as I stared out the window.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for. But I can’t help but think that you aren’t coming back. You’re gonna pack up and take her who knows where, and I’m never gonna see you again, am I?” he mumbled.
“I’m sorry,” I let the tears fall as pain seized my chest. “I have to do this. I have to try.”
“I know,” he nodded as he turned and walked away. I heard his keys jingle then the door softly close as he left.
ooooooooo
“We’re going on a trip.” I forced myself to smile as I watched her watch me.
“Where?” Her head tipped to the side as she observed me.
“Chicago,” I smiled at her. “It’s where Mommy used to live.”
“Why?” Mara’s tiny voice squeaked.
“There’s some people there that I want to visit,” I ruffled her hair. “You ask a lot of questions.”
“Is Daddy coming, too?” She hopped off the bed and scampered toward to the door to look into the hallway.
“No, baby,” I zipped the last suitcase shut and heaved it to the floor.
“Why not?” Her little face contorted as she tried to process everything.
“He needs to stay here. This is just a trip for us,” I pulled the handle up on my luggage and began heading to the front door. “Mara?” I turned to face her.
“Yeah, Mommy?” she grinned as she placed the ear of her stuffed bunny into her mouth and began chewing on it.
“I love you,” I smiled at her.
“I love you, too,” she giggled as she began to bounce. “Can we go on our ‘venture now?”
“’Venture?” I wrinkled my forehead.
“Yeah!” she clapped excitedly. “You said that this trip could be a ‘venture. I’m ready to go.”
“Yes, baby… this can be our adventure,” I looked one last time at the house I’d called home for the last three and half years before backing out of the driveway. I’d told Andy I’d be back, but I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t. I wasn’t just going Chicago to try to find Dev; I was going back to the one place that I thought could bring me true happiness.
Chapter 2
It took us two days of driving to get to Chicago, and by the time we arrived, I was completely fine with never getting in my car again. The trip had been long and somewhat boring. Mara had been a little trooper, though. For an almost four year old, she barely complained, and spent most of the trip watching movies on her tablet. The weather had been great. Sunny days and mild nights, the perfect summer weather.
When we approached the city, the lights in the distance had just begun to turn on. “Ooh!” Mara looked wide-eyed out the window. “It’s so pretty, Mommy.”
“You think?” I grinned at her. Watching her experience the city for the first time was mesmerizing. She’d seen Vegas, but this was different.
“Are we gonna get out soon?” She shifted in her car seat and tugged at the straps. “I’m tired of sitting.”
“Yeah, baby. We are almost to the hotel. Just a few more minutes,” I sighed as I took the last turn and made my way into downtown. Nothing had really changed since I’d left. People were scurrying around as the nightlife came alive. Bars were beginning to light up and taxies cruised by.
When I neared my old apartment building, waves of memories filled my head. My brain began replaying the last time I had been there. The fear I’d felt as I raced down the streets trying to get to safety. I remembered the confusion that assaulted me when Brian had beaten down my door then spilled his secrets to me. I thought about the bar, and Tori, Tiff, and Lauren. I wondered where they were, and how things were going. Lost in my thoughts, I almost drove past the hotel where I’d booked a room. It was a block down the street from The Rusty Nail, and I was hoping to be able to grab some dinner somewhere close by.
“We’re here,” I called as I glanced in the rear-view mirror at my daughter. She smiled and kicked her feet.
“Yeah!” she squealed and clapped her hands. Then she looked at me, and crinkled her nose. “How come Daddy didn’t come with us?”
I wasn’t sure how to tell her this. How was I going to explain that Andy wasn’t her daddy? What if I couldn’t find Dev? Should she grow up without knowing the truth? Would Dev want her if I found him?
“Mommy?” Mara cocked her head to the side. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, sweetie. Let’s get checked in. We’ll get some food, and if you eat all your dinner, maybe we can go swimming,” I grinned at her.
“Tonight?” she giggled. “But it’ll be bedtime soon,” she mused as she looked out the window. It was getting dark and that meant bedtime.
“You’re right, but you can stay up a little later tonight. We’re here. We’re gonna celebrate our adventure,” I winked at her.
“Really?” she shrieked with excitement.
I nodded as I pulled into a parking space and cut the engine. I blew out a breath and squeezed my eyes shut for a moment as I let reality take hold of me. I was back. I was gonna find him. I had no idea where to start, but I was gonna find him.
ooooooooo
The evening had been pretty uneventful and, after a nice swim in the hotel pool, Mara had passed out from exhaustion. I, however, stayed up into wee hours of the morning. I stared out the wall of windows in our room and surveyed the city. My mind had wandered in so many directions the night before that I was unsure where to start.
I yawned, watching the sky turn a light shade of gray, as the sun rose in the distance. The city lights began going off one at a time as morning approached. The one thing that I’d noticed the night before were the lights at The Rusty Nail. They hadn’t come on, which I thought was odd. Tori never closed. When I was working there, we’d begged her to stop opening for lunch, and she’d never agreed to it. Now, I couldn’t believe that she would close on a Friday night. Fridays were a money night.
As I rose from the chair I’d been perched in, I stretched my arms over my head, and groaned as
my body protested. It’d been a long time since I’d voluntarily stayed up all night. With Mara, I’d been forced to when she was fussy or sick, but last night she’d been neither. My thoughts had kept me up. My brain wouldn’t turn off, and I knew that until I found Dev, it probably never would.
“Mommy?” Mara rubbed her eyes as she rolled over in the bed.
“Good Morning, sweetie,” I smiled at her as I made my way over and sat on the edge of the bed beside her. I gently pushed some of her blonde curls back off her forehead with my fingertips as I studied her appearance. Her lips curled up on one side as she stared me. She shared that smile with her father. Even as an infant, I could see him in her: the chocolate eyes and crooked smile. She was the spitting image of him.
“What’s wrong?” She pushed herself up and studied me.
“Nothing, honey. We have a busy day, but how about we get dressed and go get some breakfast? Maybe,” I tapped my chin and pretended to think for a minute. “Chocolate chip pancakes?”
“Yippee,” Mara clapped as she scurried out of the bed and into the bathroom. “Can we do something fun today?” her muffled voice called out.
“We’ll see,” I sighed and shook my head at her question. This was an everyday inquiry, and not having Andy here to say yes was going to leave me in a bind. As much as I wanted to have a million fun days, I really needed to do some research and investigative work.
Once we’d gotten dressed, Mara and I headed down the elevator to the lobby. We were going to walk today. It was nice out, and I missed this part of city life. In Nevada, I lived in the suburbs and needed a car to go practically anywhere. Here, I could walk and show Mara places that I used to know.
When we’d gotten out onto the sidewalk, I turned left and began heading to toward The Rusty Nail. I’d missed my friends and was hoping that maybe Tori was inside doing the books. Maybe, if I explained what had happened, and why I’d left, I could get her to give me a job. I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to do about money. I had savings, and the money my dad had left me when he died, but I couldn’t live off that forever. I wanted to secure a future for Mara, and I was secretly hoping that maybe one of Dev’s contacts would wander in one night.
Lost in my thoughts, I almost walked right by the place. I stopped abruptly and stared. A ‘Closed’ sign hung in the window. I cupped my hands around my eyes and leaned closer to the glass. When I saw the inside, I gasped. Chairs were up on tables, and the room was cloaked in darkness. Dust covered the bar, and all the liquor bottles were gone.
“Mommy?” Mara tugged at my shirt trying to get my attention. “What is this place?”
“Mommy used to work here,” I mumbled absentmindedly.
“Place’s closed,” a voice behind me called.
“Huh?” I spun to see a woman climbing out of a car parked on the street.
She shrugged as she clicked the lock button on her key fob, “Think it’s been that way for about a year. Don’t know what happened, but the owner just up and left it. Bank’s been trying to sell the place for a while, but nobody’s been interested.”
“Thanks,” I murmured, turning to look in the window once more.
“Mommy, I’m hungry,” Mara whined. “Can we eat now?”
“Yeah, baby.” I grabbed her hand and began walking away. “We’ll go eat now.” As we strolled down the street, heading for the diner on the corner, I couldn’t help but let my mind drift back to the bar. It was as if everything that had once meant something to me was disappearing. Dev was nowhere to be seen, and now the one place that I’d practically lived in was gone, too. Chicago wasn’t looking as promising as I’d once thought it would. I was beginning to question my decision to come back when Mara, of all people, had a revelation.
“Mommy?” she looked up at me as I opened the door to the diner. “Why don’t you open it back up?”
I crinkled my eyes in confusion as she peered up at me. She looked at me as if it was the simplest thing in the world. “Open what?”
“That place. You said you worked there,” she pointed from where we’d come.
“Oh, I don’t know honey. That would be a lot of money. Mommy would have to work a lot, too,” I sighed as the idea began to take root in my head.
“I could help you,” she smiled sweetly.
“I know you could. You’re a great helper. I think I’d have to get Grandma to help, too. I don’t know if she’d want to come back here,” I mumbled.
“Please, Mommy,” Mara rocked up on the balls of her feet, and wrapped her arms around my legs. “It’d be a ‘venture,” she giggled.
“How about we eat breakfast, and then we’ll talk about it?” I ruffled her hair.
“Ok,” she jerked her head in a quick bob as she looked around. “I’m hungry.”
“Well, then,” I began leading her to a table, “let’s eat.”
Once seated, I stared out the window as Mara began coloring on the child’s menu. The idea of owning The Rusty Nail seemed like an impossible dream. There were so many things that I’d need to do to make that happen. I’d need help, that was a given. I’d need someone to look after Mara. I’d need money, and I wasn’t even sure how to go about owning a business. What had happened, and where was Tori? Things must have been pretty bad if she ended up closing the place. That woman had said the bank owned it. That meant Tori had let it go into foreclosure.
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it, but I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. “Mommy?” Mara reached across the table and tapped my arm. When I looked up, our waitress was standing at the end of the table waiting for my order.
“Oh,” I was jolted from my thoughts; I hadn’t heard her approach. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok,” she smiled at me. “What can I get ya?”
“Chocolate chip pancakes with two plates, a coffee, and a chocolate milk with a lid,” I smiled as Mara bounced in her seat.
“You got it,” the waitress grinned as she spun on her heel and rushed back into the kitchen.
“Mommy?” Mara paused in her coloring, “I like this ‘venture.”
“Me too, baby, me too,” I mumbled as I went back to staring out the window and letting my mind wander. I had to make this happen. It was a sign. I know it was sign.
Chapter 3
After finishing our breakfast, Mara and I went to the local library a few blocks away. They had a children’s section with a large castle she could sit in while she looked at books, and it was within eyesight of the reference section. I wanted to be as prepared as I could be when I called Kevin. He’d promised me he would help, and I was going to take him up on his offer.
I think I’d spent most of the day searching through the pile of books I’d collected, and honestly, I probably would have stayed longer if Mara hadn’t come to ask me for lunch. It was hard having her with me. Back in Nevada, she spent her days in pre-school. I’d pick her up on my way home from work each day, and we’d talk about whatever she had learned. Now that we were here, I knew I needed to work out our living situation. I needed a place to stay for the long term, and I needed a job. My list of things to do seemed to be growing by the hour, and I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed.
“Mara,” I called as I stacked the books on the table where I was sitting. “Let’s go. We’ve been here all day. Mommy needs to make a few calls, and you can watch some TV back in the room.”
“Ok,” she yawned when she appeared at my side.
“Seems the time difference is catching up with you,” I smiled at her.
She shrugged, “When’s Daddy coming? Doesn’t he miss me?”
“Mara,” I sighed as I squatted down in front of her. “Daddy’s not coming on this trip. We’ve talked about this,” I cupped her cheek when she tried to turn away from me.
“Why? Doesn’t he miss me?” She stuck her lip out and it slowly began to quiver.
“Of course, he loves you, but there are other people that love you, too, and they used to live here. I wan
t you to meet them.” I watched her, hoping she’d accept my answer and not push for more. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find Dev, and I didn’t want to tell her about him until I knew they could meet. It would be easier for her to understand when she was older if I never found him.
“We’re not going back home… are we?” Tears welled in her eyes as a crease formed along her brow.
“No, baby, we’re not, but I called Grandma earlier, and she’s coming here,” I tried to stand, but Mara held fast to me keeping me in place.
“I want to go home,” she released me, and crossed her arms over her chest. “I want to go see Daddy.”
I closed my eyes and paused for a minute before looking back into her sad brown eyes, “This is home now. I promise that you’re gonna like it.”
“No!” she stomped her foot and cried.
“Mara,” I soothed. “Let’s go.” I pointed to the door, lifted my purse onto my shoulder, and began tugging her along with me. I knew we were making a scene, and even though I didn’t need to hide anymore, I still didn’t want to bring unwanted attention. Mara didn’t normally act like this, and I wasn’t sure if it was a phase, if she was just tired, or if she was acting out because I’d uprooted her. Was leaving Andy behind really the best decision for me? I was beginning to think I should have asked him to come with me.
ooooooooo
After a nap that afternoon, things seemed to settle back down, and as Mara watched cartoons, I called Kevin. I’d told him what I wanted to do and asked for his help. I even had a list. I wanted to get an apartment somewhere close to the bar, and I needed to find a pre-school for Mara. Since my mom had agreed to come out to help, I needed a place for her to stay, and most of all I needed Kevin to hook me up with a realtor. I wanted to buy the bar, not just rent the space. I had no experience running a business, and I needed Kevin to sign for me. He’d laughed like he didn’t think I was serious, but he finally agreed.
Now, exactly eight weeks later, things were finally in place. I’d moved into a small two-bedroom place not far from the bar. What it lacked in size, it made up for in location. So much had changed over the last four years that I almost didn’t recognize the building, but when Kevin met me in the parking lot, I knew exactly why he’d picked it.
Becoming Somebody Page 2