“Don’t do this,” he huffed. “Don’t get mad at me because I can’t tell you something. I’m trying here, Sam. I’m being as honest as I can about myself.”
“I know,” I mumbled. “It doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
He took a deep breath and paused before shifting to face me, “I love you. I’ll talk to you in the morning. I think we both need some sleep right now.”
“I love you, too. Good night,” I whispered as I turned away from him. I didn’t want him to see the tears that were silently slipping from my eyes as I questioned whether this was going to work. I didn’t want him to know that the things I worried about seemed to be real now that he was back at work. I hoped more than anything that the anxiety that I felt was unfounded and he really wasn’t hiding anything big from me, but later that night when his phone rang, and he slipped from our bed, I knew my fears were real. I knew the minute I heard the door click shut, when he slipped out into the night, that the worries I been imagining were nothing compared to what was coming my way in the future.
Chapter 22
Over the next three days, my mood didn’t improve. Dev had been practically nonexistent in our lives. He came home to sleep, but other than that, you’d never know he’d moved in. Mara hadn’t really seemed to notice, or if she had, she didn’t say anything. My mother had kept quiet the last few times we’d talked as I ranted about how unfair it all was.
Tonight was the first night that the bar was reopening after the holiday break, and I was trying with everything in me to be normal. Tiff had called me in a panic this morning about the liquor order. It seems that they messed up the delivery date, and she wasn’t sure we’d have enough this week. The holidays seemed to bring out the drinkers, and with the local colleges going on winter break, we were going to be swamped.
“What are we going to do?” she rushed over as I stepped through the back door and shook the snow off my coat.
“We’ll be fine,” I began unwrapping myself from all the layers. “I’ve got a reserve in the basement we can pull from.”
“What?” Tiff’s eyes flashed. “What reserve?”
I laughed as I began turning on lights and unlocking the door to my secret hideaway, “I put some away when we first opened for occasions just like this. Shit happens,” I shrugged. “I wanted to be prepared.”
“This is the first time I’ve ever been happy about you being paranoid,” she giggled as she followed me.
“See, I knew you loved me,” I teased as I turned on the light at the bottom of the steps. “Voilà,” I waved my arms toward the stack of boxes to our right. “Take whatever we need. I’ll fill this back up next week when the truck comes.”
“This is where I’m going to start taking my breaks,” Tiff murmured as she lifted two bottles into her arms.
“I might move in here,” I responded sarcastically. “Wanna be my roommate?”
“I don’t think Dev would like that,” she giggled.
“I don’t really care,” I snapped back.
Tiff spun and placed the bottles on the ground beside her. She crossed her arms and began tapping her foot. “Spill!” she cocked her head to the side.
“I’m not doing this now,” I turned and began stomping up the stairs. When I rounded the corner, I noticed Mason and Chris were setting up for the night and Courtney was tying her apron around her waist. “Are we ready?” I glanced at the three of them.
“You’ve got a line at the door,” Mason chuckled as he nodded to the small crowd had gathered.
“Guess they missed us,” I laughed. I was glad that all of my regular staff was able to work tonight. I was tired of having to fill in for people, and I actually wanted to play the part of the owner. “Unlock the doors and let them in,” I pointed to Mason. “Showtime!” I clapped as I turned just in time to see Tiff. She was glaring at me, probably over the way I’d left things between us, but I really didn’t want to talk about it. I’d been mad for days now. I needed to get it out in my own way. Dev was working, and the more I denied it the better I felt about it. I knew things weren’t good. I knew that whatever case he was on was doing this, I just couldn’t think about it right now. Deep down, I was afraid, but I’d never admit it. What if he left? What if this case took him away? How would I deal with it?
“You ok?” Mason stared at me as he moved to unlock the door.
“I’m fine. Let’s do this,” I waved my hand in the air as I flicked on the jukebox.
As the night wore on, the hours ticked by quicker than I could have predicted. We ended up having plenty of liquor and Tiff hadn’t mentioned Dev again. We’d had a packed house, and several customers had been asking Chris when his band was going play again. I knew having live music was going to be a success, but I couldn’t have predicted how successful. I’d told him that if he could find me a bartender as good as he was, he could play any night he wanted. He seemed to take the challenge and promised me a new hire by the end of the week. I had my doubts, but we would see.
“Hey,” Tiff nudged me as she wiped at the bar. “Are we going to talk about this now?”
I knew what she meant, and quite frankly, I was surprised that she was pushing the issue, but she was my friend and she knew something was bothering me.
“I know you’re probably going to get mad at me, but you were there for me last week and I just want you to know that I’m here for you,” she looked at me and I could see the understanding in her eyes.
“I’m just mad,” I grumbled.
“Why?” she reached out and touched my shoulder causing me to tense.
“It’s stupid, and that just makes me madder,” I growled.
“Talk to me,” she begged. “I know that’s not your thing, but you’ll feel better if you do.”
“I’m mad at Dev, and I’m mad at myself for being mad at Dev,” I took a deep breath and then moved around the bar and found a place to sit. This conversation was going to take a while, and my feet were killing me after the night we’d had.
“Ok,” she murmured as she followed me. “Why?”
“He’s been distant lately. Never home, and when he is, I can tell he’s really not there. His body is, but his head is somewhere else. I can see it in his eyes. He helps with Mara, and does what he can when he’s there, but that isn’t much. Yesterday, I wouldn’t have even known he’d come home if the pillow on his side of the bed hadn’t been dented. He comes in after I’m asleep and leaves before I wake. He’s on the phone all the time. He thinks I don’t know because he’s all secretive and quiet, but I feel the bed dip and hear the whispered conversations,” I placed my elbows on the table in front of me and let my head drop into my hands. Tiff just nodded silently as she watched me fall apart. “Say something,” I muttered.
“Have you talked to him about this?” her voice was quiet, almost timid, like she knew it was a sore subject.
“I tried the first day it happened. He left in the middle of the night right before Thanksgiving. I knew about that one. Then on Thanksgiving Day, he did it again. We’d just gotten into bed. I tried to talk to him and he got mad,” I made air quotes, “he said he couldn’t talk about work.” Tiff nodded some more.
“I’m afraid, Tiff. I’m afraid he’s going to be called away again, and he’s not going to tell me. I’m afraid he’s just not going to come home one night. I’m so angry right now. I’m angry that this happening. I’m angry that it bothers me. I’m really angry that my daughter, his daughter, loves him so much and he might leave us. How am I going to explain that to her? This is what I was afraid of when I let him back in,” I was yelling now and had balled my hands into fists that I was slamming down on the table in front of me.
“I’ll talk to Jase,” she sighed. “Maybe he can tell me something.”
“I thought the two of you had stopped hanging out,” I looked up at her and wiped at my eyes. Angry tears had been slowly trickling out of the corners for the last ten minutes.
“We aren’t really anything at the
moment. We had what I thought was going to be a good thing, but he shut me out emotionally,” she shrugged and gave a sad smile. “We still talk though. Whatever demons he’s facing, he doesn’t want me to be a part of it,” she pushed back her chair. “They’re partners, though. If Dev’s hiding something, then Jase will know.”
“How do you know he’ll tell you?” I offered a watery smile.
“I have my ways,” a small smile slipped into place.
“Tiff,” I warned.
“What?” she shrugged. “I said he shut down emotionally, not physically.”
“What aren’t you telling me,” I wrinkled my forehead as I watched her slowly make her way over behind the bar. She lifted a bottle of amber liquid and poured two shots. She carefully carried them back to where we were sitting and gently pushed one toward me. “We still hang out and have fun, it’s just not what I really had in mind when I started hanging around him,” she shrugged and then tossed her head back as she swallowed the liquid. Her eyes pinched shut as she shivered before slamming the shot glass back down. “Your turn,” she narrowed her eyes on me.
“I don’t think drinking with you is a good idea. It always ends in me feeling like crap the next day,” I sighed as I eyed the glass.
“Oh, stop,” she groaned. “Mara’s with your mom and there are like three other people here who can drive you home.”
“What the hell?” I muttered as I lifted the glass to my lips and downed the liquid. It burned like fire and I coughed and sputtered as it made its way into my belly. “What was that?”
“Something new,” she grinned before walking back to the bar to grab the bottle. “Want some more,” she laughed when she came back.
“What is it?” I reached for the bottle but she yanked it out of my reach before I could get it. “Give me the damn bottle.”
“No!” she laughed as she filled the shot glasses once again. “Drink!” she commanded as she downed hers.
The night wore on like this until we were completely shit-faced. I don’t know how many shots I took, but the more I poured down my throat, the better I seemed to feel. “Whaaa is thissss stuuffff?” I slurred as I reached for the bottle. Tiff was now drunk enough that her reflexes weren’t what they were when we started so I was able to grab the bottle from her. I squinted my eyes as I studied the label trying to read it. What did it say? Fire? Fire what? I turned the bottle in my hands and sniffed it as if that would give me the answer when it was roughly yanked from my grip. “What the hell?” I screeched as my head tipped up to see who’d taken it from me. There, towering over me, was the source of my anger.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Dev growled as he crossed his arms over his chest. His worn jeans looked delicious on him, as did the leather jacket he was wearing. I hadn’t seen him dress like this since I’d known him as Brian.
“Whatever the fuck I want!” I attempted to stand, and I wobbled slightly.
“Dude, calm down,” another voice sounded from behind me. When I spun around, almost falling back into my seat, I noticed that at some point, Jase had joined this party.
“We’re closed,” I giggled as I tried to get the bottle back from Dev.
“Yeah, if your buddy Mason hadn’t called me, you’d be sleeping here tonight,” Dev rolled his eyes. He shifted his stance, and I licked my lips as I watched the muscles in his thighs flex.
“What do you care,” I fired back. “You haven’t been around enough to notice.” Shit! Did I say that out loud? My head was so fuzzy with what was real and what wasn’t, that my mouth was having a hard time keeping up and staying closed.
Just then, Tiff’s laugh rang out beside me. I turned to see Jase standing behind her whispering something in her ear. Her face lit up and nodded vigorously as she attempted to stand.
“Dude, you got this?” Jase looked from me to Dev before wrapping his arm around Tiff’s waist.
“Yeah,” Dev nodded. “I’m good.”
“Wait,” I gasped. “You’re just going to go off with him? After everything you told me?”
Tiff’s face reddened and Jase’s bore a confused scowl. “I’m fine,” she hissed as she snaked one arm around his middle and let it trail down the front of pants.
“Damn, woman,” Jase gulped. “Let’s go before you molest me right here.”
“Bye,” Tiff giggled as they turned and walked away.
I huffed before looking back at Dev. His eyes were dark with fury as he watched me. I could feel the anger radiating off him. He stalked closer until his chest was pressed against mine, “You wanna tell me what the hell is going on? Why are you suddenly drinking and avoiding me?”
“I can’t do this now,” I muttered as I refused to make eye contact.
“Why? I thought we were past the secrets. I thought you wanted to move forward with me. Hell, you’re wearing my ring,” he grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb across the diamond.
“Secrets?” I lifted my arms and shoved at his chest. “Me? Me keeping secrets?” I screeched as I pushed with all my might. I was pissed, and he’d just woken up the bitch that I’d been drowning in alcohol. “Where the hell do you get off accusing me of keeping secrets? I’ve been nothing but honest with you since we re-started whatever this is,” I waved my hands in the air manically. “I’ve told you everything. Laid my heart out, and you’ve been slowly slipping away over the last week.”
“What are you talking about?” he roared.
“I hear you when you leave,” his posture stiffened as he watched me. “You think I don’t know, but I do,” I jammed my finger into his chest. “The phone calls, the leaving in the middle of the night. It’s like it used to be. Are you leaving? Is that what this is? Are you getting ready to leave us?” I was crying and yelling now, and the alcohol was only fueling my anger. “Just tell me!” I begged as I watched his eyes dart from my eyes, to my lips, to a space above my head.
He stood there without saying a word and his face told me the answer I was looking for. “Whatever you’re working on at work,” I nodded “it’s bad, isn’t it?” He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. “I’ve seen the other phone. They want you back, don’t they?” He looked away, and when his eyes opened, they were filled with anguish. “Oh god,” I gasped as I stepped back. “Oh god, oh god, oh god,” I muttered as I stumbled toward the bar. “No, no. no. This can’t be happening. Not now.”
“Baby?” his voice was quiet and unsure, almost as if he was begging me to say it was ok, ok to leave again.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” I begged.
“I’ve been trying to find a way to not have to do this. I don’t want to do this, you hear me?” he cupped my jaw as he bent his knees so we were eye level. “I don’t want to do this,” he stated again as he watched me. “This case… I was on this case before you came back here. I have to finish it.”
“When?” I sobbed as I turned away from him.
I knew he knew what I was asking. He sighed before giving a resigned, “Next week.”
“Huh?” my head snapped up.
“I leave Monday. I was going to talk to you about it tonight. I knew Mara wasn’t going to be home, so I thought we could talk and figure out what we’re going to do,” he shrugged.
“How long?” I sobbed again.
“Sam,” he mumbled.
“How long?” I insisted.
“I don’t know,” he murmured “A month, maybe six, it depends on how long it takes to close this.”
“What about us?” I wiped at my eyes. “What are we supposed to do while you’re gone?”
“I’m coming back. I promise. I’m coming back and getting out of the UC unit. This is just a little delay, not a rewrite of the future. I promise… nothing’s going to keep me from being with you.”
“Promise?” I stood and wrapped my arms around his neck. He sagged in relief against me, “Promise.”
Chapter 23
When I slowly began to wake the next morning, my head was throbbing. I cursed myself for drinking s
o much the night before and vowed never to let it happen again. I was sure that it would, but at the moment, I didn’t care if I ever tasted the rancid stuff again. I rolled on to my back and reached out across the bed. I sighed when my arm didn’t make contact with anything other than cold sheets. He was gone… again. Tears formed in my eyes as I began to recall the conversation that we’d had the night before. My chest ached, and I couldn’t tell if the pounding in my head was coming from the alcohol or all the crying I had done the night before. I vaguely remember Dev holding me and attempting to comfort me as I babbled on about how I was going to go back to doing this alone. He’d assured that nothing was going to keep him away again and it wouldn’t be forever.
“Morning,” his voice was quiet, and I jumped slightly when I heard him. My eyes blinked a few times as I watched him stand there in the bedroom doorway. He was leaning against the jamb in only a pair of navy police issued sweats holding a mug of coffee.
“So last night— it really happened, didn’t it?” I murmured as I turned away from him.
“Yeah,” he sighed before shoving off the doorway and shuffling over to sink down on the bed beside me. “Sam,” he lowered the mug to the nightstand and shifted to face me. “I love you, you know that. I don’t like not being able to tell you stuff, but it’s part of this job. I tell you as much as I can. It’s tearing me apart to have to keep things from you, but that’s just the way it is.”
I nodded and pushed myself up so I was sitting in front of him, “I know; I’m just scared.”
“I know you are, and I promise that it’s not going to be this way forever. This is my last job… I promise. When this is done, I’m going to change units. I’ll work locally. I’ll be home every night. Well, I’ll try to be home every night,” he smirked. When I tried to look away, he reached out and grabbed my chin. “Marry me,” he leaned in closer so our foreheads were touching.
“I already said yes,” I whispered.
“Today,” he murmured before pulling back slightly. His eyes moved quickly over my face watching for my reaction. I’d gotten used to his assessments over the last few months. Dev was perceptive. He always knew exactly what I was feeling.
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