Deception Ebook EPUB 3-17-2014

by Deception (epub)

  9-13-85

  Felt so great! Happy! Because I saw him last night. I love him so much! I don’t think I’ll ever let him go. We almost did it last night, but for a change, it was he who said no.

  9-15-85

  I miss him. Thought of him a lot. Only six more days until I see him. I can’t wait.

  Three friends and I went to see a palm reader last night. My question: How will my love life turn out? Answer: I will get the one I truly love by the end of the year. He is the one I truly love. Does that mean he will leave his wife? Will he be mine forever?

  I drank a pineapple daiquiri last night. Strawberry piña colada tonight. At the end, it tasted terrible. I won’t drink ever again. Two experiences were enough.

  9-16-85

  Just got back from the cafeteria. I hate it here!!!! David passed by me in the cafeteria and said, “First time I see you here.” That was all he said. Maybe I should transfer to NTID next year. New friends. New people. Nobody who knows me. Old classmates kept talking about me and David. It’s just that they know me. I need to be in a different place where I can change. I mean, start everything new.

  9-24-85

  I keep on asking myself what am I doing here? I feel as if I’m wasting my time. I’m not as busy as everyone would think a college student should be. At nights, I tend to stay in my room doing absolutely nothing. I have friends who exchange a few words as we pass by, but when they have something to do, they don’t think of including me.

  Saw a poster about Peace Corps. Must have been at least eighteen years old. Maybe I could do that. The thought of going to the Philippines is scary, but I want to get out of here. The poster mentioned something about having teaching experience. I’ll have to check this out.

  I’m tired of my life. It has no meaning. No joy of living. Everything is just dull.

  Later the same day, I got information about Peace Corps. It said I must have college degree or have experience working in one of five fields. Oh, I wish I could have this opportunity.

  9-25-85

  Can’t wait until Friday to go home. Maybe I can find a job somewhere. Will I be able to afford a place to live?

  9-30-85

  Just done lifting weights. I don’t have much energy left. I’m just tired of everything. Maybe it’s my fault. I don’t socialize much. And I always go home on weekends. After October 4th, I think I’ll stay here until November.

  10-1-85

  Two and a half more months until the semester is over. I guess I’ll stay through the year. Being on the basketball team should help. (I hope I make it on the team.)

  Boring here. Life has no meaning. People say college life is great. It’s just a joke.

  Got his letter today. I almost cried. It’s because we can’t do many things together. And I always go home on weekends to see him and we get together for such a short time. I need to learn to stay here; maybe things will get better. Not sure if I should end our relationship. It has to stop, but how? When? I don’t want to, but it may be best if I do. If it ever happens, I want us to be very close friends. I don’t want what happened between David and me to happen again.

  10-8-85

  He’ll call me in exactly an hour. I can’t wait! The janitor asked yesterday if my boyfriend was going to call. I told her yes, he’ll call tomorrow (today). I guess the last time he called, the joy radiated off my face.

  I get headaches a lot lately. I don’t get them at home. But here, I get them often.

  10-9-85

  I’m feeling awful. Ate too much. I feel sick, both physically and mentally. Maybe I’m lovesick too. He never called yesterday. Must have been a good reason. Maybe he had a last-minute meeting.

  10-9-85

  My heart is filled with pure love.

  A love for you,

  Just you!

  Although I know our love is so wrong,

  My heart seems like saying:

  If your love is strong,

  Let it flow freely.

  I kept on telling myself:

  It’ll end someday, somehow.

  But I am not sure

  I meant what I said.

  Our love is beautiful,

  Filled with pure love.

  How can I let it go?

  How can I

  When I know I have to

  Someday, somehow?

  10-13-85

  Saw him yesterday at MSD. Great seeing him, but we weren’t able to talk much. He is coming on Tuesday and will take me out to lunch. I can’t wait. I’m helping some kids with Playboy Nite (our homecoming dance) tonight. I just need to keep myself busy until Tuesday. I hope we will be able to spend several hours together.

  10-14-85

  I’ll see him tomorrow! We haven’t really hugged since September 29. Sixteen days now. Yet it feels like months. I need to keep myself busy to kill time. Hopefully, time will go fast. But tomorrow, Lord, please make it slow. I want to be with him as long as possible.

  10-17-85

  Wonderful, fantastic, great, terrific seeing him two days ago. I almost cried when he had to leave. Love isn’t fair sometimes. If we love each other, then why did he have to leave? I know. I understand. He had to leave because it was getting late, 8:30 p.m., but I just didn’t want him to leave.

  There’s a Sadie Hawkins event. I asked a boy named Jay and he accepted. It’s the day when the girls have to pay everything.

  He is going to call at 11:00 a.m. today to find out the result of my basketball tryouts. But since results won’t be posted until tomorrow, I think it’s best that I don’t answer his call. I want to talk to him but since he isn’t supposed to call from school, I’d better not answer.

  The janitor just rang our door to let me know I had missed my boyfriend’s call. Bridgetta was in the room and she looked at me puzzled. I just laughed and told her janitor was being funny.

  10-18-85

  Love shared by us two

  Has taught me a lot of things

  Without our love,

  I probably would never experience anything so wonderful.

  Will I ever give you up?

  Just because of people and family?

  Right now, the answer is no!

  I’m selfish – you are mine!

  But what will I do in the future?

  Will my mind change?

  I love you now

  Like I always did

  And always will.

  10-21-85

  Eight months today since our first kiss. I wanted to call him but did not. I can’t charge another bill to Mom and Dad. Wouldn’t be a good idea. Tiffany was telling me about her weekend with her boyfriend. I wanted to cry. What about me? Don’t I have the right to spend the weekend with him?

  Later that same day, I decided to call him. And I cried so hard. Not fair! He isn’t there when I need him. We can’t be together whenever we want to. Why did I fall in love with him in the first place?

  Seeing others being able to hold hands, talk, hug, and kiss freely HURTS! I might as well sleep. It will help kill my time until he calls tomorrow.

  10-23-85

  I want to quit basketball. I’m tired of all the running. I’m just worn out. I’m always feeling so tired.

  10-24-85

  He called!!! He is coming on Saturday for the homecoming game, but with his family. Oh well. I haven’t gone home since October 6th.

  Homecoming Day

  He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. We didn’t talk much. I just couldn’t. I wonder if his wife knows. I’m just being paranoid, I’m sure. I acted as if he meant nothing. I just talked briefly and as I walked away, he said, “As ever” (our code for “I love you”). I looked at him and said nothing. He then gave me a pleading look. Before I walked away, I made a “peace” sign (meaning “me too”).

/>   It’s just so **** hard for me to act as if everything is going great. I’m totally opposite of what people think. I’m not as happy as I appear to be.

  Most students have gone to Playboy Nite. I hate when people say, “You are not going? Why?” or “You should go” when they talk about different events happening here. I went to Georgetown instead with few students. Ate a Gyro and ice cream. Nothing exciting.

  10-28-85

  Just done with my aerobics class. I have no motivation to do things like that anymore. I want to get out of here. But where can I go?

  10-30-85

  He called yesterday and I was upset because we couldn’t talk long. I called him right back to apologize, using a made-up number to be billed. I’m not sure why I was upset in the first place. I feel great today. After his call, I got his three letters yesterday and two today. He might come this Saturday if he can come up with an excuse.

  11-7-85

  Last Monday I sent him a card telling him I wanted to end it all. No letter on Tuesday and yesterday, and I became depressed. So I called him today. His getting my card hurt him so much and it hurts me. I cried. Later, he cried too (that’s what he said). I hope to see him this weekend. We need to talk to clear things up. I do love him so much.

  11-10-85

  We met at the river yesterday. So good to be with him. I’m not going to leave him. I know I told him I wanted to, but now I just couldn’t. He said he wanted me to enjoy my college days. He also said he does not want me to regret one day being with him. I don’t think I’ll ever regret them.

  Seeing others fool around, drink, talk nonsense, I can’t believe how immature they are – all the kid stuff. I wonder why I’m so different.

  My chest is bothering me. It’s not painful but it feels funny. When I bend over, it hurts.

  11-13-85

  I feel sick. Just ate ten cookies this morning. Almost a dozen! I’ve been lying to everyone saying I have friends. I don’t think I have any. In my spare time, I always spend time in this room, my bedroom. What kind of life is that?

  Got two letters from him today. Makes me miss him even more, but also makes me realize how great he is. But I really don’t know if I should continue our relationship. He said I need to do what is best for me. If only he was younger and wasn’t a father.

  11-18-85

  Something is missing in my life and I don’t even know what it is. Who am I? What am I? What do I want? I just don’t know. Loneliness just overwhelms me.

  I keep eating junk food and just can’t stop. I went home Saturday and returned last night. In between, I had eaten five slices of pumpkin pie within thirty-six hours. Gross, isn’t it?

  Haven’t seen him since the 9th. Nine days now.

  Later that same day, I just ate more Oreo cookies. Then I vomited.

  11-19-85

  I feel so down today. We had a scrimmage and I made a lot of mistakes. Coach was mad at me and she criticized me the whole time. Every time she did, I held back my tears. I got F on my test. 59 percent. My first time. I didn’t get his letter today.

  11-20-85

  Got his letter. He said he had been sick.

  Chapter 28

  November 1985

  He and I would call each other twice weekly, same day, same time. I would stand by the pay phone on my dorm floor, my hand on the handset, waiting for it to vibrate. After several weeks, the janitor caught on to our routine and would inform me when the phone rang. But today, I decided to call him during his prep time without notice.

  Me: I know we talked yesterday but wanted to call you. How are you feeling now? GA

  Him: A little better today. The secretary told me this was Debbie Miller. Am I confused or what? GA

  Me: Ha ha. Am I calling at the wrong time?

  Him: No way. Nice talking to you.

  Me: Great. Oh OK. I’ll have a game in three hours. Called Lorraine and she said she will come with BK.

  Him: Boy are they lucky. Wish I could. I got a letter from you today, the one you typed in six minutes. Fast typing but many mistakes.

  Me: Ha ha. Yeah, sorry about your not coming. But what’s more, you are not totally better, so you wouldn’t have come anyway.

  Him: Yeah, like I said before, I’ll wait until I’m told that it is okay to watch the star in action.

  Me: I’m not a star. OK, now I’m telling you that you can come and watch, but not tonight OK?

  Him: Rules, rules. My, my, what am I to do with you and all the rules you give me? Ha ha.

  Me: Sorry. OK, I’ll not do that again.

  Him: Hope you are smiling??

  Me: I’m half-smiling. Oh OK . . . well, as ever!!!

  Him: At least you remembered. Ha ha!

  Me: Yeah. Well, you’ll get a letter this Monday and it will be a depressing one.

  Him: It will have to wait till Monday??

  Me: Yeah, because I sent it this morning, so the mail won’t get in. Unless . . . do you mean why don’t I tell you now?

  Him: No. I just misunderstood you, that’s all. Are you feeling down? Your letter yesterday was very good. Did you get my multicolored letter yet??

  Me: Yeah, I’m feeling down. That’s why I’m calling you now. Yeah I got your letter today. Great.

  Him: Did it help?

  Me: A little, but it’s not because your letter isn’t good. It’s just me, that’s all.

  Him: Okay. I mailed you a short one I wrote really late last night. I shouldn’t have stayed up so late, but I had a lot to do. When I take a day off for whatever reason, personal or sick leave or whatever, it seems as if the teacher aides do not know how to follow through with my lesson plans. Oh well . . . so be it. I guess I just wrote you a short one. Sorry, I still love you.

  Me: You don’t have to say sorry. I’ve never asked you to write me long letters or to write every day, so getting one letter a week is better than nothing. Ha.

  Him: You know I can’t do that, right??

  Me: I guess so, and I can’t do that either.

  Him: Kathy told me that you are dating or are being chased by Mike. Not sure if she was testing me or what, so I just went along with it.

  Me: BK must have told Kathy. You see, Lorraine wanted to take me out to dinner after the game tonight, and I told her I couldn’t because tonight is a Sadie Hawkins night so I’ll be gone. Then she asked who was going with me, and I told her just a so-so boy named Jay.

  Him: Jay?? Anyway, no problem. I trust you . . . yeah, never a problem. We solved that a long time ago, right?

  Me: Yes, but, oh well . . . yeah, his name is Jay, but I’m telling you I don’t want to go out tonight. I can’t cancel it last minute.

  Him: True. Just have fun for yourself. Please just have fun. I miss you and feel the same way often. I told you several times we are very much alike, but don’t worry. You really do sound down. Wish I could give you a hug to make the skies blue again.

  Me: Yes, I wish too. Oh well. Yeah I’m really feeling so down, and I hope I will do OK in the game today. I’m really worn out mentally, I guess.

  Him: Just relax and think positive thoughts. I really mean it. It will help you. Please do it. It really will help. Relax and think positive about anything you want. It can be done and you have the skills and brains to do it. It may take practice, but I know you can do it. I know you well enough now, and I believe you can do it.

  Me: I can’t relax now. I really can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what I want.

  Him: I can understand, but please try for both my sake and your sake. Hey, who is paying for this call? Some made-up number? Ha ha!

  Me: No, I’m going to pay for this, but it won’t cost as much as it did the last time because I’ve thought of a clever way.

  Him: What is that?

  Me: I called your number and told operator it was fro
m the number in Hagerstown and to bill it to my home.

  Him: Fine. Hope I don’t go to jail with you. Ha ha!

  Me: Very funny. I’m laughing now. I really need that. Oh anyway. I’m telling you I probably will be a lot happier in jail than here.

  Him: Hey, you, they don’t make coed jails, so we are better off like this than with either you or me in jail. Don’t talk like that. You’ll depress me; then both of us will end up crying all night. Ha ha!

  Me: Ha ha. Oh well, I’m sure you’ll never be depressed enough to cry all the night, but it can happen to me.

  Him: I can be depressed really bad sometimes but I do as I told you – relax and think positive thoughts. It really works. I do love you very much.

  Me: I’m glad. I wish I could think positive, but it seems as if I can’t. I can pretend things are going well, but inside it’s not.

  Him: I know. Hey, congrats on the exam. I was really worried cause you never seem to study.

  Me: Yes, I know, and now I’m worried about the research paper. Oh well, like I said in the letter, I’ll have it done somehow.

  Him: Lord, I hope so. I don’t want to date a dummy.

  Me: Then don’t date a dummy.

  Him: I really hope you said that with a big, big smile.

  Me: In fact, I wasn’t smiling.

  Him: Are you trying to tell me something??

  Me: Maybe, but the problem is that I don’t know about myself anymore or why I am feeling whatever I’m feeling. Just simply . . . I don’t know!

  Him: Okay, I understand and won’t pressure you anymore. I just want you to be okay and to get things straight in your own mind without pressure from me. I told you before, nothing can change how I feel about you. I’ll just have to wait until you get things together. I’m just sad that I can’t be there to look at you, as I always make you nervous. I do care, and right now you are more important than anything in my life and I want you to feel good about yourself, about me, and about us. And you, you, you come first. You have to come first because Debbie has to live with Debbie first and see her in the mirror every day. Everything else comes second. I just wish I could help. I feel so helpless. I told you two weeks ago I see you as drowning or slipping from me and I can’t seem to stop you, but I understand how you feel and I know it is not easy for you. Please don’t feel guilty if you want me to back off and leave you alone for a while. Please let me know. I do care about you and respect you.