That settled it. Rachel had never read the terrible letter. It had never even come.
Her mouth set, she shut the door and returned to her own room. She was fully aware that she was committing one of the worst sins: lying by keeping silent. Regardless, she was not going to speak of the letter, no matter what, not when it would ruin her child’s life. She would simply have to pray harder than she had ever prayed to be forgiven for this sin. After she prayed to be forgiven, she would pray to forget all about this. How fortunate for her that tomorrow was Sunday, and she could be with other members of the community, listening to the hymns and prayers she knew so well, here where she belonged. She changed into her nightgown, desperately trying to empty her mind of everything except what she would do when she awoke in the morning and got ready to begin the day. At last, she turned off the lantern, and slipped under the sheet and light blanket.
She stared up into the pitch-black darkness. A sense of foreboding seemed to seep into her very bones, expanding outward until it filled every corner of the room.
Chapter 5
The Gate was one of the hottest dramas on Broadway, and the tickets had cost Ellie a small fortune, but she found herself unable to concentrate on the actors onstage. While her mother sat beside her, fully engrossed, Ellie turned over ideas for publicizing a line of organic makeup, manufactured out of Seattle, and recently acquired by one of her larger corporate clients. At intermission, they ran into a woman her mother knew, and, while the two chatted, Ellie excused herself to check her phone for messages and texts. It may have been a Saturday afternoon, but in her business, round-the-clock availability was assumed.
“I really enjoyed that,” Nina Lawrence said when the play was over and they emerged onto Forty-seventh Street. “Thank you for taking me, sweetheart.”
“It was absolutely my pleasure, Mom. Happy birthday.”
“Dad wouldn’t have liked it. Definitely not for him. So it was a perfect choice for us.”
“Hmm.” Ellie felt too guilty to admit she had barely heard a word. She glanced at her watch. “Shall we stroll for a while? We have about an hour until we have to meet everybody.”
“Good idea.”
The two women headed east. Nina’s birthday happened to fall on a Saturday this year, so it hadn’t been that difficult to arrange for a family get-together over dinner at her favorite restaurant.
They meandered to Madison Avenue and then strolled uptown, Nina pausing to look in store windows, pointing out things she liked or thought would look good on Ellie.
“Those candlesticks,” Nina said, moving closer to a window display and shading her eyes to minimize the glare on the glass. “Perfect for the little table in your entryway.”
Ellie laughed. “Mom, do you really see me putting those ornate things on that little table? That’s just for my bag and mail. And there’s no place in my apartment where they would make sense.”
“I admire your ability to keep things pared down,” Nina said. “You truly are a minimalist. I’m drowning in all my souvenirs and bric-a-brac. Your apartment is like a breath of fresh air.”
Ellie put an arm around her mother. “You’re a sentimentalist, that’s all.” They walked on, Ellie making sure to focus on her mom and not let her mind drift back to work.
“I almost forgot to give you this,” Nina said as she pulled her arm out of her bag, a long, white envelope in her hand.
Ellie took it from her mother. “A letter for me? How did you wind up with it?”
Nina shrugged. “It came in the mail yesterday.”
Ellie glanced down at the envelope. The writing was thin and wavering, probably that of an elderly person, she thought. No one she knew even remotely would think she still lived at home with her parents. Even odder, it was addressed to Miss Rachel Lawrence, her real name. Outside of her family, few people knew her real name was Rachel, and no one else would use it. There was no return address, and the postmark was faint, the letters broken up. Ellie scrutinized it, finally able to make out the words Lancaster PA. That was the town where she had been born, but she definitely didn’t know anyone there.
Puzzled, she was about to open it when her mother called her name. Nina had walked a few feet ahead of her. “Coming?”
Ellie dropped the letter into her purse to read later, and the two women continued their stroll uptown. When they reached the restaurant, her father and sister were already there, seated at a large, circular table. A.J. sprang up to hug her mother, whom she hadn’t seen in several months. Gil Lawrence, dressed in a navy blazer and gray pants, also got up to kiss his wife, then Ellie.
“Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” he asked.
While Nina filled him in, A.J. turned to Ellie, giving her sister a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.
“Hey, Captain of Industry, what’s doing?” A.J.’s wide, full mouth opened into a generous grin. She noted her sister’s clothes. “Look at how put together you are, and on a Saturday, no less.”
Ellie glanced down at her charcoal gray pants and the white blouse under a lightweight cashmere sweater, her expensive leather bag and shoes, all of it casual enough for a weekend but nice enough to put in an appearance at the office or meet up with a client if necessary. She never knew who she might run into, and long ago she had made it a habit always to look presentable. A.J., in contrast, wore black jeans and a blousy printed top, her dark brown hair hanging loose down her back, large gold hoops in her ears. She was appropriately dressed for this restaurant, but just barely, Ellie decided, immediately rebuking herself for the uncharitable thought.
“I’m glad you got away.” The two of them sat down next to each other. “I’m sure you’re busy balancing school and your substitute teaching job.”
A.J. was getting a master’s degree at Brown in urban education policy. “Weekends are precious time for catching up on studying. But it’s going well, knock wood.” A.J. rapped on the table twice.
“Come on, you don’t have to knock anything. You’re a model student. And you still love it, right?” A waiter set down a glass of water for her, and Ellie took a sip.
“I absolutely love it. I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life.”
Ellie wondered if she could say the same about her career. It was succeeding she enjoyed so much, she reflected, not the actual job itself. She knew that her sister would die before signing on for a career to which she wasn’t totally committed. Ellie often teased her about wanting to save every child in the world, but she was secretly jealous of A.J.’s unwavering dedication to something bigger than herself. It must be a wonderful feeling to believe you were doing something useful, something so positive.
She changed the subject. “How’s Steve?”
“Great. Working on a new commission. Likes the people at the new place. So it’s all looking good.” A.J.’s husband was an architect. They had met in a coffee shop when A.J. first moved to Providence to begin student teaching in a public school. They had been married for two years, and he had recently been hired by a top architectural firm in the city.
“That’s terrific.”
“Love that son-in-law of mine,” Nina interjected.
“Thanks, Mom. I’m kinda loving him myself,” A.J. said. She turned back to Ellie. “What’s doing with you? You still seeing that guy?”
“Jason. Yes, we’re still together, but it’s not really together, if you know what I mean.”
“Ahh.” A.J. nodded. “Well, you basically like to fly solo, right?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s—” Ellie stopped, unsure what she was trying to say. It was true, she hadn’t wanted to get too serious with Jason or anyone else. Still, she couldn’t deny feeling a bit surprised, hurt even, by Jason’s cheerful willingness to accept her lack of commitment to him after so long. What was worse, even when she was physically with Jason, she was occasionally overtaken by a powerful sense of loneliness.
It had all become very confusing. For the past several years, she was a
lways the one who’d refused to get involved. Now, though, something was changing. Of course, she reflected, it wasn’t as if she had always avoided relationships like the plague. She had her first serious boyfriend when she was in college. The years with Mitchell had been easy and happy. Their problems started when he got a small part in one of the school’s theatrical productions in the spring of their senior year. He’d enjoyed the whole thing so much, he decided he wanted to become an actor. Surprised as she was, Ellie was happy to support his efforts. After graduation, they both moved into apartments on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. He attended acting classes and auditions, while she started working full-time at Swan and Clark. What began to trouble Ellie wasn’t that he had performed in just a few unpaid productions, so far off the beaten path that only friends and relatives had attended the shows; the real problem was that she could see he had no talent. She couldn’t bring herself to voice this realization to him, refusing to kill his dream. Instead, she’d watched as he waited tables and spent every available moment studying scripts, trying to make connections, and getting nowhere. He was never around to go out with her at night, having taken to drinking in the cheaper bars with other out-of-work actors who, as he explained to her, could relate to what he was going through. Ellie realized she was spending far more of her time with her best friend from college, Bibi, who had also come to New York after their graduation. When Ellie and Mitchell split up two years after graduation, they had drifted so far apart that neither one had any hard feelings. They parted as friends.
Ellie was taken up with her job, socializing with Bibi and the new friends she made in the city, and casually dating. It was then that the company sent her to attend a luncheon for magazine editors so she could make some contacts. She found herself chatting with a tall, suntanned man who turned out to be Claude Hamilton, the editor in chief of a skiing magazine. He wasn’t classically attractive, but Ellie found him charming, and was pleased when he asked if he could call her another time. By their third date, Ellie felt she had found the man she could love forever. Claude was kind and attentive. He was knowledgeable about nearly everything, it seemed, and, even better, he made her laugh. Even Bibi, protective of her friend and a harsh reviewer of Ellie’s dates, agreed that it seemed she had found “the one.”
Which made it that much more of a blow when Claude left her for Bibi. The two moved to California where he had taken a position at another magazine. That was the last Ellie had seen of either one of them.
At the time, Ellie wasn’t sure she would ever recover from the double betrayal. Sometimes she wasn’t sure which was worse, losing the man she loved or the best friend on whom she had depended. The fact that she had never suspected what was going on left her breathless with humiliation. She barely managed to get into work in the mornings, only wanting the day to end so she could go home and climb back into bed. Friends tried to be encouraging, offering a shoulder to cry on, or a night out for distraction. She refused to talk about what had happened with any of them, and kept saying no to their entreaties and invitations until they gave up asking. Often too depressed to eat, she lost twenty pounds. She simply shut down.
Eventually, she recovered from the hurt, but nonetheless, she never repaired most of her neglected friendships, and the idea of falling in love again flooded her with fear. She never wanted to be in such a vulnerable position again. Until she met Jason, she dated sporadically. He was smart and lively, and they had been going out since the previous summer, but they both knew it was meant to be light and temporary.
Yet, lately, here she was having these hurt feelings about his indifferent behavior. She had become acutely aware that she didn’t have anyone to depend upon, anyone who depended upon her. She had recently lost the last, truly close friendship that she had. June Neal had already been working her way up the ladder in fashion magazines when they met several years back after being seated next to each other at a fashion show. The two of them struck up a genuine and deep friendship. Then, last year, June’s hard work had been rewarded with a job at Vogue in Paris. Emails and texts kept them in touch, but June was now consumed with her job and her upcoming marriage to a man she met over there, and it wasn’t the same.
It dawned on Ellie that the solitary nature of her life was wearing upon her. No matter the personal risk, she needed someone in whom she could confide. And it made her sad that no one thought to turn to her when they needed help or support. Maybe it was a good sign, she reflected, a sign that she was ready to put a toe back into the water when it came to forming genuine attachments once more. There was, of course, her actual family, but that was different. She loved them and was grateful for them, but that had nothing to do with what kind of future she might have. Besides, they had their own lives to lead. If her life felt empty, she would have to figure it out for herself.
Well, she thought, she wasn’t about to start explaining her confusion to her sister now.
“Don’t pay any attention to me,” she finally said to A.J. “I’m just being a crab.”
The restaurant door opened to reveal her brother’s arrival. She observed him as he came toward the table, flashing his lazy grin and waving. He was wearing a powder blue, button-down shirt, half untucked from khaki pants, the sleeves rolled up. She noted the switch from his usual T-shirt and jeans, representing an effort on his part to please their parents. Not that he had to make an effort; in their eyes, he could do no wrong.
Tall and handsome, with a thick thatch of hair in the same dark brown shade as A.J.’s, Nick was whip-smart, and the darling of the household. He was also, in Ellie’s view, maddeningly indecisive, always ready to change course at a moment’s notice. No matter what it was, Nick made up his mind only at the last second, after agonizing over all the possible choices. Ellie could still recall his high school and college years, when choosing a few electives each semester was an earth-shaking matter. Girlfriends came and went as he tried to decide who he was truly meant to be with. Whereas Ellie had followed a straightforward plan of college, then a job, Nick had traveled through Europe and Latin America for a year after high school while deciding if he should even go to college. To his parents’ vast relief, he wound up applying to New York University and, though it took him five years, graduated with honors in history.
Ellie couldn’t help disapproving of the way her parents encouraged what she saw as simple dithering, paying for his travels, patiently waiting for him to announce his intentions. In fact, they had also kept silent when A.J. had taken three years off after college to consider her next career move, although her sister had always worked to support herself. Everyone had gotten their act together in the end, but to Ellie it seemed like a pretty self-indulgent road they had taken to get there. Even after college, Nick hesitated to commit himself too fully to anything. He currently had a job writing for a news-related website, but she didn’t know if he liked that any more than he’d liked the last job working for a graphic design firm.
Nick greeted his parents, then came around the table.
“Hello, beloved sisters.” Nick gave a hurried kiss to A.J. and then Ellie before sitting down next to her.
Nina held up the breadbasket, and looked around to see if anyone wanted any. Gil and Nick each grabbed a piece, but Ellie shook her head no.
“Tell us, are you in charge of everything yet?” A.J. asked her brother.
He laughed. “Absolutely. Actually, I’m getting into a little investigative journalism, which is fantastic.”
“That’s great,” A.J. said. “We could use a crusader in the family.”
“You’re the crusader,” Nick answered. “I’m just talking. You’re the one trying to do something.”
“The more crusaders, the merrier,” Ellie threw in.
“Speaking of merrier,” Nick said, “did anybody see that movie Happier Than Before?”
A.J. nodded. “I really liked it.”
“Wasn’t it great?” Nick turned to her.
“I saw it,” Ellie offered. “But I can
’t say I felt the same. I thought it was pretty melodramatic.”
“I cried like crazy at the end,” Nina said, “but I loved it. And I learned a lot from it.”
Ellie had to smile. She virtually never agreed with her family members when it came to movies or books. They had completely different tastes.
The waitress set down champagne flutes at everyone’s place.
“I thought we might toast your mother,” Gil announced.
“Thank you, darling,” Nina said.
The waitress poured champagne all around.
“If I may break with tradition, I’d like to make the toast myself. To all of you,” Nina said, picking up her glass and gazing at the bubbling liquid inside it. “This has been a wonderful birthday. My family all together, that’s best of all. I mean, what more could anyone ask for? I have all I could want and far more than I need.”
“Hear, hear, Mom, nicely said,” Nick cheered.
“I love you all so much,” she finished. “Thank you. And it’s perfect because this will officially be the last birthday I ever have. I’ve decided to remain the same age from now on.”
Gil leaned over to kiss his wife. “I’ll love you just as much when you’re indistinguishable from a prune.”
She slapped him on the arm. “I hate you.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think you do.”
“To Mom!” A.J. held her champagne up high.
They all drank.
It was after eleven that night when Ellie got home to her apartment, a one-bedroom in a building on West Tenth Street. The apartment was neat, as usual. Ellie couldn’t bear being around clutter, or feeling disorganized. She’d always been that way. Having her own place to treat the way she liked never lost its novelty, especially after having to share her childhood bedroom with A.J., an inveterate slob. It drove Ellie crazy to come home from school to her sister’s clothes, books—her general junk—all over the floor, on both their desks, burying Ellie’s bed. Despite her complaints, there had been no other solution, since her parents had one of the bedrooms, the second was a home office that they shared, and, as the one boy, Nick had the remaining bedroom all to himself. In meaner moments, Ellie had railed at A.J. about being born a girl; if A.J. had been another boy, she would have roomed with Nick, who was also a slob, and the two of them would have been perfectly suited.
A Plain & Fancy Christmas Page 4