by Lynda Renham
‘I’ll clear up,’ I say. I don’t want Tom to find the keys.
‘Chris is an okay guy. I’ll see if he wants to play badminton one evening.’
I should tell him. I open my mouth to speak and then stop myself. I can’t face his recriminations and the look of disbelief on his face. He’ll be disappointed, let down.
‘Just when I thought it was all over,’ he’ll say. But he doesn’t realise that it will never be all over for me.
‘I’ll load the dishwasher,’ he says.
The keys are still beside my handbag. They’re labelled, NURSERY KEYS. I drop them into my bag and then clear the table.
Chapter Thirty-Two
I need to work fast. The woman is already neurotic. It won’t take long to push her over the edge. I make the most of my time with Ben. He loves the camera and I take lots of photos. Her ideas for the house are useless but I pretend otherwise and wander around Liberty’s with her pointing out things that I would never have in my house.
‘Shall we get a coffee?’ I ask.
‘Sounds good,’ she agrees.
I stay silent. I want her to offer.
‘I’ll get them,’ she says. ‘You bought lunch.’
She throws the tote over her shoulder.
‘Okay to leave everything with you?’ she asks.
I smile.
‘Sure. I must get some flowers before we go home,’ I say pretending to look at a shopping list. She hesitates. It’s killing her. She wants to ask about the vase, I can read her like a book. She doesn’t know how to bring it up. She’s clearly intimidated by me. I smile and wait for her to speak but she doesn’t.
‘A cappuccino for me,’ I say.
She nods and walks to the counter. There is a long queue. I wait until she can’t see me and then I buckle Ben up and hook our bags over the stroller.
‘Are you leaving?’ asks a guy approaching with his girlfriend.
‘Yes, we are,’ I say, standing up.
I push the stroller to the other side of the room and sit at a table behind a pillar. I watch as Clare looks frantically around for us. Confident that she can’t see me, I open the pharmacy bag and look inside. I carefully remove ten diazepam tablets and slip them into my purse. I smile at Ben and adjust his blanket.
‘Okay gorgeous?’ I ask pulling out my phone.
We’re by the window. I text and move my chair so I can be seen from the counter.
Clare spots us and I wave casually from behind the pillar. She looks about to collapse and I almost pity her, but only almost.
‘You look really hot,’ I say when she reaches us.
‘It’s stuffy in here,’ she says in a trembling voice.
‘We had to move,’ I lie. ‘The draft there was awful. I didn’t think it was good for Ben.’
‘I wondered where you’d both gone.’
She’s struggling to keep her voice even. I wonder how many diazepam she has already taken.
‘Ooh muffins,’ I say.
‘I didn’t know what you liked so I got blueberry.’
‘Chocolate’s my favourite,’ I say to add a feeling of disapproval to her anxiety.
Her face drops.
‘But blueberry is nice too,’ I add.
I wait a while and then suggest she and Chris come for Christmas. I’d discussed it with Tom. He was surprised at my suggestion. It would be nice to have a child at Christmas I had begun and argued that we would only be on our own anyway and that it would make me happy to have a child around at Christmas. Tom had agreed, but only after he had cross-examined me, checking that I could cope.
‘I’ll ask Chris,’ Clare says.
‘Great,’ I say but she doesn’t hear me. A friend from school approaches her and I leave them chatting. I make my escape and walk around the food hall for a while. It’s a relief to be free from Clare.
Chapter Thirty-Three
‘Jesus,’ mumbles Tom. ‘What’s wrong with that child?’
‘He’s been screaming for ages,’ I say.
‘Where are those earplugs?’
He flicks on the bedside lamp and I squint at the intrusion.
‘I’ve got a lot on tomorrow,’ he grumbles, rummaging in a drawer.
I can’t bear listening to Ben’s screams. It’s all I can do to stop myself from marching to their door and bringing him back here where he’ll be safe and loved.
‘I can’t imagine what it’s like for them,’ he mumbles before pulling the duvet over his head.
I think about what I’m going to say to Rachel. Will she talk about Nathan? I close my eyes and picture her face. Tom begins to snore and I quietly climb from the bed and go to my office. I open the wardrobe and lift the photo albums from the top shelf. I have to search to find it but when I do the feelings of loss envelope me like a black shroud and I feel like I’m suffocating. Rachel is smiling, her thick hair flying behind her. The sky is a clear blue and Nathan’s face is visible under Rachel’s cotton kaftan.
I close my eyes and allow myself to travel back to happier times.
*
‘He’s going to be the most photographed baby in the world,’ laughed Rachel.
I composed the picture through the viewfinder and clicked the shutter. We laid Nathan on the blanket and stretched ourselves out on the warm sand. The sun burnt our faces. I felt happy and complete.
‘This is the life,’ Rachel said. ‘Shame I have to go back to work on Monday. It’s been a fab week. I’ve got some great sketches.’
Our feet sunk into the sand as we wandered down to the lake.
‘We need to make lots of memories,’ I said as I clicked the shutter.
‘I’m going for a paddle,’ Rachel said.
I checked Nathan was protected from the sun and followed her to the water’s edge. I took more pictures of a smiling Rachel, with the blue water behind her.
‘When we’re old, Nathan can look back at these photos and see how young and carefree we were,’ laughed Rachel.
‘He’s going to be very clever, aren’t you darling,’ I said. ‘Tom and I have decided he will go to Oxford.’
‘Blimey, no pressure then.’
I took photos of Nathan’s tiny feet. The milky smell of him soothed me and I changed lens and took shots of people enjoying the sunshine. We had coffee in the little teashop near the beach and bought fish and chips to have later. It was that day Tom won. The day I wondered how much longer we could stay in the Lake District.
‘We won! I’m bringing bubbly home. Can you have just a little drop?’
‘Congratulations, I’m so pleased for you. You deserved to win.’
I knew it was only a matter of time before he got an offer from a practice in London.
‘If only these times could last forever,’ Rachel said.
‘Nothing lasts forever,’ I said.
*
It was an unsettled calm but of course I didn’t know that then. The crying becomes fainter and I picture Clare taking Ben downstairs.
I go back to bed and try to imagine her reaction when they phone from the nursery tomorrow. What if she has someone else who could look after him? No, it’s not possible. I’d covered all avenues. She would only ask Kathryn or Helen. Kathryn will be at college and Helen at school. She will have to ask me. There is no one else. It’s her appraisal and she won’t want to miss that. I’d overheard her talking to Helen about it. She’s anxious about losing her job. She needs the money. She won’t miss it. I am certain of that.
Disrupting Clare’s life had been easier than I imagined. The nursery had closed at seven. I’d told Tom I had to go into the studio to sort out a problem with the Chanel shoot. He had a meeting with a client, so it didn’t matter to him that dinner would be late.
It was dark but I’d spent some time looking around the nursery with the light from my phone. It’s a good nursery. I’d be happy for a child of mine to go there, not that I would ever need to send my child to a nursery. I’d be at home with my child, all day, every d
ay. It took just a few minutes to block the sink and turn on the taps. I remembered exactly where the toilets were. Hopefully the place would be out of action for a couple of days. A shame for the other parents but I had to think of Ben. I closed the toilet doors and found my way to the exit and let myself out. It had been that easy.
I strain my ears to hear the cries but everything is quiet now. I close my eyes and try to sleep.
*
I take my time opening the door. I don’t want her to guess I was expecting her. She looks harassed.
‘Clare, is everything okay?’ I ask, feigning concern.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she says fighting back tears. ‘The nursery phoned and they’ve had to close for the day. I’ve got an appraisal at eleven and …’
‘You’ve got no one to have Ben,’ I say.
‘I’m so sorry to ask but …’
‘Of course I can have him,’ I say, taking the bags from her. I fight the urge to grab Ben and wait until she is inside the house before taking him out of her arms. He feels warm and cosy. I inhale the scent of him and sigh with contentment. I see her looking at me.
‘You look terrible,’ I say. ‘Are you okay?’
Like I actually give a damn if she’s okay or not. If she were to fall at my feet gasping for breath I wouldn’t help her. She mumbles something about not getting enough sleep. That’s all she does. Complain, complain.
‘We’ll be okay, won’t we Sweet Pea?’ I say, unbuttoning his jacket. I just wish she’d go and leave us alone. Then she has the nerve to hand me a screwed up piece of paper with instructions on it.
‘It’s all on here. His nap times and what time he has his lunch and …’
‘Great,’ I smile. ‘We’ll be fine.’
‘That bag has his training pants and …’
‘We’ll be fine,’ I say sharply.
‘Are you sure?’ she asks stupidly. ‘I can take him in with me.’
I fight back a sigh.
‘That won’t look very professional will it?’ I say and smile at her condescendingly.
‘No,’ she says.
I make a point of looking at the clock in the hallway.
‘You’ll be late.’
She doesn’t want to leave him. She’s nervous because she doesn’t know me well.
‘You can call my mobile as many times as you like,’ I say encouragingly.
‘Thanks,’ she says finally and turns to the door.
‘I’ll phone you later,’ she says kissing Ben on the cheek.
As soon as she’s out of the door I close it. I can’t stand to look at her face for one minute longer. I’m so taken up with my darling child that I completely forget about her key. I hurriedly open the door and call out to her.
‘Do you have a spare key to your house?’
‘A key?’ she asks suspiciously.
‘Just in case, for toys, and the stroller, so we can go for a walk.’
She seems uncertain for a second and then hands me her key.
‘The stroller is in the porch. His toys are in a box in the lounge. Oh, and his playpen is in the bedroom. I’d better go.’
With the key clasped tightly in my hand I turn back into the house and close the door.
‘Just you and me darling,’ I whisper into his little ears. ‘We’re going to have a lovely day aren’t we?’
Not long now and we’re going to have lots of lovely days. My thoughts turn to Tom and the familiar churning returns to my stomach. How am I going to explain this to him? Do I even want to explain it to him? I force my thoughts away from Tom and take Ben upstairs.
‘Shall we take some photos?’ I say, grabbing my camera.
I can’t believe I’ve got a whole day with him. I’ll puree vegetables for his lunch. She’s too full of herself to ever think about doing that. I can’t stand the thought of him eating all that processed baby food.
The morning flies by. I decide to unsettle Clare by sending her a text asking if Ben has any allergies. As expected she goes into a panic. She not only texts a reply but then phones me. No doubt she popped a couple of her tranquilliser pills in the meantime. I wrap Ben up and walk to Clare’s house to get the stroller. The woman across the road is sitting at her window again and I wave. She doesn’t wave back. I’m glad I put the vase in a carrier bag. The last thing I need is a witness seeing me taking it in. The living room is a mess. A pillow and blanket are strewn on the couch. A half-eaten bowl of porridge lies on the coffee table alongside a cold cup of tea. Ben’s toys are strewn all over the floor. I tut in annoyance and make my way upstairs for Ben’s playpen. Not that I’ll need it. No child of mine would ever be put inside a cage. I would watch him properly. The diazepam is in the bathroom and I take five yellow pills and slip them into my jacket pocket. The bedroom is tidy and I take a photo. Ben plays happily on the bed while I slowly look around and check labels.
‘Come on Sweet Pea,’ I say. ‘Let’s go shopping and get a copy of the key cut.’
I drop the nursery keys on to the floor as we leave and kick them under the couch. I place the vase at the back of the cupboard under the sink, and hide it behind some cleaning bottles and dusters.
*
The duvet cover is easy to find. The lamps are out of stock so I order them to collect the next day. Waterstones is quiet and I have a coffee while Ben cuddles his new rabbit.
‘Do you have The Lovely Bones?’ I ask the assistant. ‘I can’t remember the author.’
‘Yes we do,’ she smiles.
‘We’re doing well aren’t we,’ I say to Ben. ‘Let’s get you some building blocks and some nice dungarees.’
He claps his little hands in excitement. I decide to get some reins so that next time we come out he can toddle around while I have a coffee. The bedside cabinets are in stock and I arrange for them to be delivered tomorrow as well. We stroll around Marks and Spencer where I buy Ben some new clothes.
‘He’s adorable,’ says the assistant. ‘How old is he?’
‘Just over two.’
‘What’s his name?’ she asks, pinching his cheek.
‘Nathan, his name is Nathan,’ I say.
‘Hello Nathan. You must be so proud,’ she smiles.
‘We are,’ I say smiling back.
And Tom would be, if only he understood. The day goes much too quickly and I find myself hoping that Clare gets held up at the school. When Chris phones I feel my hopes rise.
‘I can’t get hold of Clare. Everything’s okay with Ben isn’t it?’
‘He’s fine. He’s having a nap. I should wake him actually. I got carried away with work.’
The truth was I’d got carried away with printing the photos of Ben. I hadn’t done any work.
‘I’m sorry to have bothered you.’
‘Don’t be silly. I’d be phoning every two minutes if I’d left my child with someone.’
‘Oh, we’re not like that,’ he says. ‘Has Clare been in touch?’
‘Yes, earlier today.’
‘Great, well, I’d better get back to work. Thanks for having Ben at such short notice.’
I check the time and slowly remove the new dungarees. I’m ready for when she arrives. She’s taken aback by the perfume I’m wearing and recognises it as Grapefruit right away. I want to take everything from her, bit by bit, until she knows what it feels like to have her life stolen from her. How it feels to hang on to reality by a thread. Then she checks Ben’s forehead. I fight back a comment and wait for her to see the photos, just the ones I want her to see. The best ones are upstairs. She’s pleased with them. Excitement and pleasure are written all over her simple face. She tells me the appraisal went well and then hesitates before revealing she has been offered more hours. This is my chance and I grab it with both hands.
‘You know if … well, I don’t mind having him if you didn’t want to pay out to the nursery. It would be a shame if all the extra money you earn goes to pay the nursery fees. I’m home and he’s no trouble.’ I try to sound n
onchalant and shuffle the photos.
‘Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that,’ she says, but I can see her brain working. She’s thinking about it.
‘It’s really not a problem to me,’ I say. ‘Have a chat with Chris about it.’
She nods. Chris will say yes if he thinks he can save a few pennies. It’s all I can do to hide my excitement.
Chapter Thirty-Four
‘So, we’d love you to have Ben if the offer still stands.’
‘It would be a pleasure to have him,’ I say, giving Ben a loving look.
‘We’ll pay you of course,’ she says earnestly.
‘I’d be insulted if you paid me. After all, isn’t that what friends are for? Besides the idea was so that you didn’t spend your extra earnings on childcare.’
She looks relieved. They’re saving a packet by not paying nursery fees. What kind of mother would give her child to someone she barely knows just to save money? Clare and Chris Ryan, that’s who.
Tom is playing badminton with Chris at lunchtime. I don’t know what it is about Chris that Tom likes. No doubt Chris looks up to him. Tom has always liked that, he feels flattered. I’m anxious for her to leave. The bedside cabinets are being delivered today and I really don’t want her to be here when they arrive.
‘I’d better get on,’ I say.
‘Oh yes me too. I’m off to Ikea with Helen.’
She hesitates a bit longer and then says,
‘I’ll see you Thursday then.’
I watch as she trots down the drive with the stroller and then close the door. I’d already stripped the bed. By the time I change the bed linen and vacuum the carpet the cabinets should have arrived. The new lamps are in their boxes under the window. Tom had really liked them which had been fortunate. He’s so bogged down with his latest case that I don’t think he’s noticing anything. I wish I could go back to the cottage. I so hate London, but I can’t. I can’t go back until everything is done. I check the time. The delivery is for eleven-thirty and my hair appointment is for two. I’ve got plenty of time.
The sound of a door slamming makes me jump.