by Lynda Renham
‘Hello Sweet Pea. Mummy’s here.’
*
Clare can’t breathe and fumbles in the bathroom cabinet for another diazepam. Oh God, what should she do? Her phone was in the bedroom so she had no way of calling for help. The bathroom suddenly feels stiflingly hot and perspiration runs down her back. She needs to get to Ben. She needs to get to her baby.
Quietly she creeps out on to the landing and sees that the bedroom door is wide open. She hesitates outside the bathroom. If she can get downstairs then she can call the police from the phone in the kitchen. She tiptoes towards the bedroom where she can hear Sharni’s voice as she croons to Ben.
‘Is that you Clare?’ Sharni asks as Clare gets nearer.
Clare froze at the bedroom door. Her eyes fixed on Sharni. She looks different. The room is in semi-darkness and Clare can’t make out what it is that is different about her. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed. Clare strains to see Ben in the cot. Please God, let him be all right, she prays.
‘Did you have a nice bath?’ Sharni asks.
‘How did you get in, Sharni?’
Clare tries to disguise the shake in her voice but feels sure she doesn’t succeed.
‘Oh, I have a key. Did you forget that?’
‘I never gave you a key.’
Clare stares longingly at the phone on the bedside table.
‘But you gave me yours. I couldn’t resist getting a copy.’
Ben moves in his cot and Sharni turns to look at him.
Clare feels her stomach contract.
‘He’s a good sleeper isn’t he?’ smiles Sharni. ‘I love watching him sleep. I always did.’
Something flashes in her hand as she moves and Clare fights back a gasp.
‘I’m going to call the police,’ she says dramatically.
Sharni looks down at the pointed scissors in her hand.
‘Oh, have I frightened you?’
Clare grabs the bannister for support and shivers even though the heating is on high.
‘Sharni, what are you doing?’ she squeaks. ‘You shouldn’t be here.’
‘I brought the comfort blanket,’ she says as she lifts up the colourful blanket. ‘You keep asking for it, don’t you?’
Her smile turns to a grimace as she cuts through it roughly with the scissors. Clare takes a step back.
‘He doesn’t need this silly thing,’ Sharni says condescendingly. ‘It’s dirty and full of germs. What’s wrong with you, letting him put this filthy thing into his mouth? The bunny rabbit is far better. What a fuss you made over this stupid thing and he doesn’t even want it now.’
She stands up and walks towards Clare who gasps for breath and turns to run downstairs. She trips over her towelling robe in her haste. She puts out her hands to soften her fall. Sharni watches as Clare’s body bounces down the stairs, her hips jarring against the steps. Clare cries out as she lands with a thump on to her knees.
‘You must be careful,’ says Sharni, moving slowly down the stairs.
‘Sharni please, you don’t know what you’re doing,’ Clare begs.
‘I know exactly what I’m doing.’
Clare scrambles to her feet and tries to limp to the kitchen but Sharni gets there before her and slices through the phone cord with the scissors.
‘What are you doing Clare?’ she asks.
She pushes Clare roughly and she falls against the cooker.
‘Oh God,’ Clare groans.
She can’t see Sharni for the tears blurring her eyes.
‘I don’t think he can help you either,’ says Sharni pulling out a kitchen chair. ‘I really don’t want the police to come just yet. You and I need to talk Clare.’
Chapter Forty-Nine
Sharni
Once the memories started to flow I felt they would never stop. They would come at odd times, taking me by surprise.
‘Are you okay?’
I looked up. My hand felt hot and I realised I was gripping the mug of coffee. I’d forgotten where I was and looked around. Then I remembered the café at Silecroft Beach. I’d gone with my camera.
‘I’m fine,’ I said softly, ‘I just felt a bit faint but I’m fine now. Thank you.’
I rubbed my eyes and the action triggered another memory. I gripped the table with my other hand. I pulled my phone out of my handbag and checked the time. I had fifteen more minutes. I’d expected Tom to believe me. I never for one moment doubted he wouldn’t.
‘Sharni, I think you need therapy. The doctor warned you something like this might happen. The mind plays tricks in grief. You have to face the truth and move on.’
‘Are you saying I’m making this up?’
‘It’s sounds too crazy to be true.’
‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this.’
‘All I’m saying is that your mind is making it up. It’s easier than accepting Nathan has gone.’
‘What?’
He took my hand.
‘Sharni, you have to accept that Nathan has gone and that we can never replace him …’
‘I don’t want to replace him,’ I shouted. ‘You don’t have to remind me that I can’t have any more children.’
‘You need the counselling, Sharn. You should have had it. Women that lose babies like this sometimes lose their minds.’
I’d stared at him. Is that what he thought? That I was losing my mind?
‘I’m not losing my mind. I’m remembering things and the police will believe me.’
But they didn’t. Oh, they acted as if they did and they did all the right things. Conducted all the right investigations but all the time I knew they agreed with Tom. It was a figment of my imagination. A way to justify things and after a while I began to wonder if they were right. Maybe I should make a bigger effort to move on. Tom said I should look at the last photos I’d taken. It will give you closure, he’d said. But what if it hadn’t been a figment of my imagination? What if it had all been real? How would I know?
I sat in the café and sipped the coffee. It was now cold. I looked at the clock. It was almost time for my counselling session.
Chapter Fifty
Clare watches in horror as Sharni fills the kettle. She’s totally insane and frighteningly calm.
‘Do you want a cup of tea?’ she asks in a matter of fact tone.
Clare shakes her head. She wishes she could stop her knees from trembling. Her body is damp from sweat and her eyes are sore from staring at the scissors in Sharni’s hand. She pulls open the towelling robe and checks her hip. It’s grazed and bruised but thankfully there is no swelling.
‘I’m having one,’ Sharni says casually. ‘By the way, have you heard from Chris? Is everything going well? You do have the perfect life you two don’t you?’
Clare’s throat is so dry she feels she will choke.
‘I …’
‘Don’t you think it’s perfect?’ says Sharni, her voice now hard.
‘It’s not perfect. No one’s life is perfect. You have a much more perfect life,’ Clare stammers.
Sharni seems to ignore her and pours water into a mug.
‘Tom will be looking for you,’ Clare says.
‘I doubt it. He’s gone to a dinner. Both our husbands have deserted us tonight.’
Clare lets out a small sigh as Sharni places the scissors on the table. Sharni looks at her and smiles.
‘I’m not going to do anything silly with these,’ she says, pointing to the scissors. ‘I’m not an idiot.’
‘Sharni please, If you leave right now I promise I won’t tell anyone that you came here. We can just pretend this never happened.’
Clare’s voice is high and shaky and she hates herself for it.
Sharni laughs.
‘Yes, you’d like me to pretend none of this ever happened, wouldn’t you?’
‘Sharni, we …’
‘Do you want a diazepam?’ she asks. ‘Do you have any left? I’ve got loads.’
She pushes her hand into her handb
ag and produces a bottle.
‘I’ve been stealing yours. Very bad of me wasn’t it?’
Clare stares in disbelief at the tablets.
‘No one believed you, did they? You told Chris that you hadn’t been taking more but he didn’t believe you, did he? It’s horrible when no one believes you, isn’t it? You feel so alone and isolated don’t you? I know exactly how you’ve been feeling because that’s how you made me feel. I wanted you to know what you put me through. You took my life away from me Clare and you think you can just run away from me and move house.’
Clare widens her eyes.
‘I saw the estate agent come here. I saw him taking photos of the house. I see everything.’
‘It was just a valuation. Chris wanted to know how much the house was worth,’ Clare lies, clenching her fists.
‘You’re such a liar,’ laughs Sharni.
‘Why would you do this to us?’ Clare sobs. ‘We’ve done nothing to you.’
Her eyes are transfixed on the chain around Sharni’s neck. She’s wearing a pink dress that sparkles at the collar. Her hair is blonde and shimmers against the deep pink of her dress. That sense of familiarity about her nags at Clare again and she tries to remember where she’d seen her before.
The sound of Clare’s mobile comes from the baby monitor and Sharni shakes her head in annoyance.
‘Why did you leave your phone in Nathan’s room? It is bound to disturb him.’
She gets up and walks to the stairs. Clare sees her opportunity. If she can just get to the front door and shout for help someone will hear her. If she could only catch the eye of Mrs Riley, surely she would help her. She stumbles to the lounge and waves her arms at the window. The sound of footsteps on the stair sends her hurrying back to the kitchen.
‘Going somewhere?’ Sharni asks, pushing her back into the chair. ‘He’s still asleep fortunately. It was a call from your friend Helen. I think Helen likes me, what do you think? Oh, and you’ve had a text from your loving husband, Chris. I’ve texted him back for you, saying you’ll call him later. You’re having a well-earned bath. It’s not a complete lie is it?’
She places the phone on to the table next to the scissors. As she sits back the light catches the chain around her neck and Clare gasps. It’s her Celtic harp necklace, except it can’t be, because she’s wearing it. Her hand instinctively goes to the chain around her own neck.
‘I had a copy made. It’s good isn’t it?’ says Sharni fingering it. ‘It wasn’t easy but you can get anything as long as you have the money to pay for it.’
She holds out the pendant for Clare to see.
‘I don’t like it much myself. Too tacky, but Nathan’s attached to it isn’t he? So, until I wean him off it, I don’t have much choice.’
Clare swallows before saying, ‘It’s Ben, his name is Ben. I’m really sorry about Nathan …’
‘How dare you,’ snarls Sharni. ‘You of all people, you’re not sorry not in the least. How fucking dare you.’
Clare reels back.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean …’
‘Are you really sorry, are you really really sorry?’ demands Sharni.
Clare’s nails dig into her palms. Her eyes land on the diazepam and a stupid sense of relief washes over her. She hadn’t taken that many after all.
‘I don’t know what we’re talking about Sharni, but you must understand you can’t have Ben. I know how awful it is to lose a child and if I can help …’
Sharni laughs mirthlessly.
‘A cot death wasn’t it? Were you a good mother?’
Clare’s mouth won’t seem to open and all she can do is nod.
‘And you want to help me?’ Shani smirks.
Clare nods again.
Sharni fiddles absently with Clare’s phone.
‘Do you like my hair this colour?’
‘Yes, it suits you and …’
She breaks off and stares at Sharni as she removes her black-rimmed glasses.
‘Oh my God …’ Clare mutters.
‘Remember me?’ Sharni says dryly.
Chapter Fifty-One
Sharni
It was Leah, the therapist, who suggested I look at my photographs of Nathan. She said it would help me come to terms with things and that I may find some closure in looking at them. It took me several days to do it and each time I went to look my heart raced so much that I could barely breathe. Tom suggested that we go through them together, especially the ones taken more recently. It wasn’t as painful as I’d feared. It was a pleasure. I’d made memories, good memories. I printed the best ones and Mum helped me make a memory scrapbook.
‘He should believe you,’ she said as she pasted photographs into the scrapbook. She wrote Baby Nathan in bold letters on the front of the book. I hugged her in gratitude.
‘Do you believe me?’ I asked. ‘No one else does.’
‘Yes, I do believe you. Why shouldn’t I?’
I squeezed her hand. Her wedding ring was loose. She wasn’t well. I knew that but didn’t want to face it. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her. I spent a lot of time with her and tried to fight the hysteria that was building up within me. My mind fought for answers. Every night I struggled to remember but the more I tried the more things eluded me.
Apart from Mum, no one believed me. I started to find it hard to be at the cottage. Everywhere I looked there were memories of Nathan. Tom suggested moving to London and then Dad phoned.
‘It’s not good,’ was all he said. ‘But we’re going to be okay.’
‘How long?’ I asked.
The question hung in the air between us.
‘Three months. Six months at the most.’
‘But how?’
‘These things move quickly Sharni. One minute it didn’t seem so bad and then the next …’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘She made me promise. It’s been hard, nightmarish, in fact. She didn’t want you to be upset.’
‘She’s my mother,’ I said, holding back my tears. ‘Why didn’t she tell us?’
‘She didn’t want to unsettle everyone, you in particular, especially with the baby due and then when Nathan arrived, it got harder to tell you.’
‘I’d rather have known,’ I said flatly.
I felt guilty at ignoring my mother’s pale face, the dark circles under her eyes. I hadn’t asked because I hadn’t wanted my own happiness to be overshadowed by sadness. How could I have been so selfish?
‘Make the most of the time,’ Dad said softly.
I moved in with her and Dad and took care of her. It was the most natural thing in the world and Tom understood that I needed to do it. The night she died the memories flooded back and I thought I would drown in them. I’d lain alone in my old bedroom, the dark closing in on me. The memories had come naturally, just like my mum had said they would. Everything was suddenly crystal clear. The accident played in my head like it had only happened yesterday.
I opened my eyes and felt the throbbing in my head. It took time for my eyes to focus and for a long time I couldn’t understand where I was or what had happened. I then heard Nathan whimper and went to turn my head. A sharp pain shot through it and I groaned. The car was moving slightly and I gasped as I remembered. Oh God, we’re on the edge of the bridge. The car had broken through the wooden side of the old bridge and I could see the water of the lake ahead of me shimmering in the moonlight. The seat belt was cutting into my chest and the air bag was preventing me from moving. I struggled to reach Nathan.
‘It’s okay,’ someone said.
‘Oh thank God,’ I mumbled. I could taste blood in my mouth.
‘The baby is okay, you just relax and I’ll get him out,’ she said.
I felt movement and then she was leaning over me
‘Come on little one,’ she said kindly and I saw the small bundle in her arms. My baby was going to be okay.
‘Thank you,’ I said, gratefully.
‘You
were driving very dangerously,’ she said.
I remembered the deer and the blinding headlights but my head was fuzzy and her face kept fading.
‘You should drive carefully when you have the baby.’
‘No,’ I said weakly. ‘I wasn’t driving fast.’
She leaned down and looked me in the face. My eyes were sore and gritty. I couldn’t see her very well. I heard the click of the seat belt and felt the pressure released from around my chest. Something dangled close to my face and I stared mesmerised at the charm that hung from a chain around her neck. Her hands grabbed me roughly under the arms and pulled me from the car. She laid me on the road. I could feel the cold wetness on my back. I could hear her straining and the creaking of the bridge, I heard the crash as my car hit the water.
‘I saw you. I know how fast you were going,’ she said. She stopped to get her breath and I listened to her panting. ‘You should be grateful I was here. God knows what would have happened to your baby otherwise. You’re so careless. You’re always leaving him alone in the pram in the garden. There are nutcases about, you know.’
I tried to lift my head to see Nathan but the pain knocked me back down.
‘You were going too fast,’ she repeated.
I struggled to keep my eyes open. The darkness seemed to penetrate my very soul.
‘It’s alright darling,’ she murmured and I heard Nathan’s whimpering. I could hear her steps moving away from me and Nathan’s cries becoming more distant. I tried to yell but nothing came out. My body wouldn’t move, and my lips wouldn’t open. I pushed my hands against the ground to lift myself up but it was futile. My eyes were heavy and it was an effort to keep them open. I turned my head and watched as she laid my baby on to the seat of her car. I heard the door close and then her footsteps as she walked back to me.