I slowly dig my spoon into the flesh of the fruit, my knuckles hitting the inside of the bowl I had made with its rind. My mind drifts to Ryan, to the feel of his arms around me as he said goodbye. I can still picture him as he stood in the airport to greet me that first day. I turn back to look at Jon as he watches TV. Now that he was working again, I'd hoped he would come out of whatever funk he seemed to be in.
Steeling myself, I get up and go sit closer to him on the sofa. "I think we should talk."
He mutes the TV. "About?"
I take a deep breath "Us."
"I'm listening."
"It feels like we don’t talk anymore."
He shrugs "We're talking right now."
"It didn’t use to be like this."
"Like what?"
I close my eyes."It just feels like you don’t even like me."
"I do."
"Do you?" I blush, opening my eyes. "You haven’t even touched me since I've been home."
Jon looks down at his hands.
"My grandmother asked me to move to Florida."
He hesitates "Are you?"
"I'm thinking about it."
His eyes search mine "What's stopping you?"
"You. Us."
He pauses "I think you should go" he says then looks away.
I struggle to take a breath. It feels like my lungs are burning. "You don’t want me to stay?"
He doesn’t respond, just turns back to the TV and unmutes it. My mouth drops as I process what has just happened. That’s it? That is what I have been waiting to hear all of this time? I stand, pulling the belt of my robe snug around my waist as I slowly walk back to our bedroom to lie down. I pull Jon's pillow to my chest and breathe in his scent. He thinks I should go. He had not even followed me knowing I was upset. He is lost to me. My Jon who had loved me is gone. I unplug my phone from the charger and call Kate.
"Kate?"
"Grace, are you alright?"
"I'll move to Florida."
"What happened? Are you alright?"
I’m crying and not able to reply right away. I can hear Ryan in the background and then some shuffling as I picture Kate handing him the phone.
"Grace?"
"I'm here."
"You sound like you're crying. Is everything okay?"
"I think Jon just broke up with me."
"Fucking idiot."
I hear him cover the speaker and say something to Kate.
"Kate says you'll move down."
"Mm hmm."
"Right away?"
"I have to call my boss and see if Jon can take over the lease. It renews next month. Maybe we'll both just move out."
"Kate wants to know if you're all right staying there in the mean time."
I rest my head on my hand "I guess. Part of me wishes I never came back."
"Everything's going to be okay. Kate and I are here to help you."
I look up and see Jon leaning on the doorframe.
"I need to go."
"Well, call back after you talk to your boss."
"Okay. Bye."
"So you're going to go?" Jon asks.
I nod, setting my phone on the bedside table.
"Was that your grandmother?"
"Yes."
We speak for a few minutes. Jon doesn’t think he can afford the place by himself and wants to see if I will still pay my share of the bills the last month even if I’m not there. Money. That’s what he had been concerned about. I have no desire to fight and agree. Before he leaves, he tells me he will start sleeping on the couch. That makes sense; no reason to still share a bed. After he goes back into the front room, I pull my knees up into my chest and rock back and forth slowly. My mind is telling me I should be crying but no tears come. It's more of a “what just happened?” feeling. I'm scared I don't know how to be around him for the next two weeks. I want to say I feel relieved but I don’t. If anything, I feel numb.
I pull out my laptop and type an email to my manager explaining that my grandmother has asked me to move to Florida, and since she is my last remaining relative, I feel it is something that I should do and that I need to give my two weeks’ notice. The email address is my boss's personal email so I’m not surprised when my phone starts ringing thirty minutes later. I have worked in that doctor's office longer than I have dated Jon. My manager is worried I’m making a rash decision and is calling more as a friend than an employer.
We talk for over an hour. I tell her all about Florida and my grandmother. I tell her about learning I had an uncle and how he had died. It’s when I talk about Kate and the relationship we're forming that Kim, my manager, gets it. Kim had been there for me after the deaths of my parents, and while she doesn’t know everything that has been going on with Jon, she suspected something was wrong. When I tell her that Jon told me I should go Kim isn’t surprised. Kim admits that during the time Jon had been unemployed she had almost told me to kick him out. The one thing I don’t tell Kim about is Ryan. It feels like it will take something away from moving close to be with family if I admit I also have a crush on my grandmother’s hot neighbor.
Kim is sad that I’m leaving but accepts my notice, saying that she will put together an office going away party for me. I feel a weight lifted knowing that I won’t be leaving my office awkwardly. I've worked there almost four years. I'll not miss flu season, but I will miss my coworkers, especially Kim and Nikita. I ask Kim not to say anything until I tell Nikita myself. Kim agrees and says once Nikita knows she will send an email out to the office. I have to laugh when Kim starts saying she’s going to miss me. I remind her that I've not left yet.
When I hang up, I walk to the kitchen, suddenly hungry. Jon is on his cell phone when I come out. He sees me then puts on his coat to finish his call outside. That’s another thing we'll have to figure out, I think, annoyed he feels he has to leave the room to talk to someone. He's on my phone plan. I have been thinking about changing providers anyway because I don't want to deal with having to share data, and our phones are already out of contract. I make myself a sandwich and wait for Jon to come back in. When he does, I tell him I'll be turning off our phones before I leave. Jon replies that he had figured as much and says a friend is on his way to pick him up.
"Will you be back by dinner?"
"Probably not."
Jon takes a shower and gets dressed so he can be ready to go. Where, I don’t know. It’s not my business to know where he goes anymore. After he leaves, I decide I want to make the meatloaf anyway. I can eat the leftovers at work, and it will remind me of Florida. Once it's in the oven, I call my grandmother back. Something about her phone makes it hard for Kate to hear me. Kate asks if it would be alright if I call Ryan instead, and he can relay the message. She gives me his number. Considering Kate can’t hear me, I don’t really have a choice and call Ryan.
"Hullo?"
"Hi, Ryan. It’s Grace. Kate can't hear me, so she asked that I call you."
"Your grandmother needs a hearing aid for the telephone, but she won't listen to me."
"Sorry about that. Why won't she get one?"
"She's stubborn and thinks they look funny in people's ears."
I’m not sure why I think that's so funny, but it makes me laugh. I tell Ryan about the conversation I had with my boss. Ryan is happy for me that it had gone as well as it had. I have two weeks to pack up my life here and move. The idea is daunting. My first thought is to drive, but I’m scared to. It’s over one thousand miles from Cleveland to Tampa. There’s no way I can do that in a day. I probably can’t even do it in two days. That means having to stay somewhere, by myself, along the way.
"What if I flew up and drove down with you?"
Depression
a state of feeling sad
-Merriam Webster
It’s settled. Ryan buys a ticket to Cleveland. My last day of work is Friday, and Ryan is flying in that evening. Jon has already moved out, taking most of our furniture with him. I was especially happy
to see his armchair go, I could only see what I had lost when I looked at it. Besides, I don’t need any of it where I'm going. I do, however, keep the TV and laptop in exchange. Jon moved in with a coworker who already had a TV so he is fine with it. I buy an air mattress to sleep on once he leaves. It's strange coming home to such an empty house. I'm partly relieved. This way I will be able to turn the keys over to the complex manager without any worry Jon will do something to screw up us getting our deposit back. Jon said I can keep it.
I make multiple trips over those two weeks to Goodwill to donate things I no longer need, like winter coats and snow boots. I keep one good coat and work hard to purge other unneeded things. I’m nervous about Ryan coming and spending the night, and the fact that we will be sharing hotel rooms on the way down to Tampa. He said he has no problem sleeping on my floor that first night, but it's going to be weird.
Even after all of my purging, I’m worried not everything will fit in my car. Ryan promises that his packing skills are legendary. I hope he’s right. On my last day of work, they have a luncheon in my honor. Kim, awesome boss that she is, lets me cut out early afterward. Nikita sniffles as she walks me to my car.
"You're still coming over tomorrow morning, right?"
"Yes. I just can't believe we don’t work together anymore."
I haven’t said anything about Ryan being gorgeous. Nikita only knows a friend of my grandmother is flying up to help me with the move, but that is all. I'm looking forward to seeing Nikita’s reaction when she sees Ryan.
"I know. Feels really weird being unemployed," I grimace, still feeling a bit crazy for leaving a good job."You'll find something in no time. Besides, I saw the letter of recommendation Kim wrote for you. Any place that reads it would be crazy not to hire you."
"It really sucked saying goodbye to her."
"Is she coming by tomorrow too?"
"She can't."
"Alright. Give me a hug."
I give Nikita a hug and head home. As I cross the river, I tear up a little bit, saying goodbye to my parents. Since Kim let me leave early, I have enough time to change out of my scrubs and straighten the apartment up a bit before I have to go get Ryan. I feel silly organizing the crates and bags, wondering why I am wasting my time trying to organize a pile. Getting antsy, I leave for the airport. I’m thirty minutes early and circle the parking lot a few times, wanting to find a good spot. Ryan is in for a rude awakening weather wise. It's very cold and sleeting. I have an extra hat in my pocket for him, if he needs it.
He hadn't planned on bringing much, knowing that space in my car will be at a premium. I manage to nab a great spot near an entrance. I check my hair and makeup before getting out of the car. The gesture, at least for my hair, ends up being pointless since I put my hood up once I’m out of the car. Going to stand by the security checkpoint, I check Ryan's flight to see if it is still on time.
I lean up against a wall and fidget as I watch passengers filing out in all directions. I try to look at every face as they pass, but there are way more of them than there are of me. Ryan sees me first.
"Hullo!"
I look around, trying to place where his greeting is coming from when he's suddenly right in front of me, pulling me into a hug.
"Well, you're a sight for sore eyes."
I laugh. "Long flight?
Ryan nods, not letting me go. I swat him on the arm. "Can I take you out for a burger?"
He just nods and grins down at me. Ryan only has a small duffle bag so we head straight to my car. Before we get outside, I stop him to see if he’s brought a hat. He hasn’t and is touched when I pull out a beanie for him. Once he has it on, I have to admit it looks pretty good on him. Seeing Ryan's reaction to the cold, I hurry to my car and get the heater going.
"Grace, why does my ass feel like it’s burning?"
"Oh, sorry. I turned on the seat heaters." I reach over to switch his to low.
"Next time warn a fella."
"Will do" I laugh, trying not to think about his ass.
"So where're you taking me?"
"To Swensons. Awesome burger, but it’s a drive in. Do you want to eat there or bring the food back to my place?"
"Can we take it back to your place?"
Once we have our food, I drive home. It’s weird to think that after tomorrow I won't be able to call it that anymore. I warn him to watch his step on the way up the stairs. Ryan does fine. I slip twice. Damn stairs. Once inside, I give him a quick tour: pile of stuff, empty room, empty room, air mattress, kitchen, and bathroom. Ryan laughs at my descriptions, and after setting his bag down, goes to the bathroom. I unpack our food onto the kitchen counter, grab a roll of paper towels, and make a picnic for us in front of the TV. I am switching on the news to get the next day's weather when Ryan walks out.
He pulls off his beanie as he walks into the front room, making his hair go crazy. He looks at me in confusion as I bring my hand up to my mouth to keep from laughing. Walking over I finger comb his hair back down as he looks down at me. Whoa. I take a step back, almost knocking over my drink to put some space back between us. Ryan notices my reaction and gives me a half smile as he sits down to eat.
I turn the volume up so I can hear the weather forecast. It will be cold but clear the next day. Our goal, depending on how long it takes to get everything in my car and do the final walk through of the apartment, is to get to West Virginia, maybe even Virginia, that day. I sit, turning the volume back down.
"You like?" I ask Ryan between bites.
His mouth is full so he nods enthusiastically while I snag another onion ring.
"Does Kate have a grill?"
Ryan finishes the bite he is chewing before answering. "She does."
"We should make burgers one night."
"Great idea. Maybe we'll even get artichokes for you to put on top."
I blush, happy that he remembers. After we eat, he calls Kate to let her know he arrived safely, well best he can. He shakes his head when he hangs up the phone mumbling something about her needing a hearing aid. We watch TV until I suggest we get some sleep before the long day ahead. I bring out one of the pillows from my room and an old sleeping bag for Ryan to use.
"Are you sure you don’t want the air mattress? I feel awful making you sleep on the floor."
He shakes his head. "Don’t worry, Grace. One night won't hurt me. I'll just pretend I'm camping."
"Do you like to camp?"
"I do, but I like most outdoor activities. You?"
"It's been a while. I used to camp with my dad."
After we trade goodnights I go to bed. I take forever to fall asleep, my stomach in knots as I think about leaving everything I've ever known. I wake before my alarm, Ryan is still sleeping so I shower. Refreshed, I step out wrapped in a towel, startled to find Ryan standing at the door.
"Bah!"
"Whoa, um, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. Just, well, nature calls."
"Of course. Right. I'm sorry." I keep a tight grip on my towel as I brush past Ryan on the way to my bedroom. I notice he takes his time going into the bathroom and shutting the door for someone who has to go. I get dressed and drape my towel over the now empty rod in my closet, hoping it will be dry enough to pack in an hour or so. I pack a small bag of items that I'll need changes of clothes, most of my toiletries, and cell phone charger. This bag and Ryan's duffle will be the last items we pack. I leave my hair down to dry and unplug the stopper from the mattress so it can deflate before walking into the front room.
Ryan is looking out the window into the courtyard, stretching with his arms over his head. It makes his shirt lift up as well so I see the waistband of his briefs and some of his tanned back. As though he can sense me, Ryan turns. I flush and look at my toes, wiggling them for good measure. Locating socks had been my plan when I walked out into the front room. Finding where I packed them, I pull a thick pair to go under my boots and two pairs to go in my duffle. We both turn when there is a knock on the door.
&n
bsp; "That'll be Nikita. I hope you like bagels."
I pull open the door, and am surprised to see it's Jon, not Nikita, who stands there.
"Jon."
"Hi, Grace." He stops when he sees Ryan in the room behind me. He looks at me and then at Ryan again before continuing. "I wanted to see you before you left."
"Did you want to come in?"
"If you're busy I can take off."
"No, not at all. Come in. Jon, this is Ryan. He's a friend of my grandmother's."
Ryan tips his head in Jon's direction and then turns to me "Should I go roll up the air mattress?"
Jon's eyes widen. What is he thinking? "Um, sure. That'd be great. Thanks."
Once Ryan leaves the room, Jon asks. "Did he sleep here?"
"Yeah. He’s driving down with me to Florida."
He looks like he is going to say something but turns and seems intent on examining the light switch.
"So how's the new place?"
"I miss you."
What? I stare at him. "But you said—"
Before he can answer, there is a loud boom at the door. I hurry to open it and find Nikita with her arms full.
"Did you kick the door?" I ask, taking the cardboard coffee carrier from her.
"No hands."
"Okay, well, thanks for coming. It is so sweet of you to help and to bring breakfast."
"No worries. I got a bunch of bagels so you all don’t have to stop for lunch if you don’t want to."
"Do I smell coffee?" Ryan walks out from my bedroom, and Nikita's mouth drops open. Jon notices her reaction and walks over to the window.
"Yep. This is Nikita. She brought coffee and bagels."
"Hi, Nikita. I'm Ryan, a friend of Grace's."
Jon stiffens when he hears Ryan say that he is my friend and not my grandmother's.
Stages of Grace Page 12