Stages of Grace

by Carey Heywood

  "Well, why don’t you and Nikita each grab a bagel? I’m just going to talk with Jon. Um, Jon did you want to…" I motion towards our old room.

  Jon hesitates but follows me, I turn back to see Ryan watching us before I walk into the room. Jon shuts the door behind him. The room is basically empty, except for the rolled up air mattress and the bedding that had been on it. I walk over to the room's one window and lean on the sill. Jon leans against the door and looks up at the ceiling.

  "It feels weird that you're leaving."

  "It feels weird for me too."

  "Part of me doesn’t want you to go."

  Part of you? I close my eyes in an attempt to aid my mind in processing what he has just said.

  "I know I told you that you should go, and I still think you should. You have family there. I'll just miss you."

  I blink my eyes before a tear can escape. I want to speak but don’t trust my voice. Instead, I curl my fingers into a fist and bring my hand to rest on my mouth while I compose myself. When my eyes open, I know that Jon is watching me, waiting for me to respond."I didn’t think you cared anymore." I’m unable to keep my voice from breaking at the end.

  Jon hurries over to me and pulls me into a familiar, though long absent, hug.

  "I'll always care about you, Grace."

  I nod my head against his chest.

  "I just wanted to come tell you that." He slowly releases me, gently wiping a stray tear from my cheek.

  "That means so much to me."

  "So that guy?" He nods toward the door.

  "Ryan?"

  He looks at the floor. "Are you two?"

  "What? No" I say quickly, too quickly.

  Jon looks at me like there is something else he wants to say before turning toward the door. "I should go."

  "You don’t have to."

  "I don’t want to get in the way. Will you call me, when you get to Florida?"

  I don't know what else to say. "I can do that."

  I walk him to the front room, giving him one last hug before he leaves. Afterward, when I turn to face Ryan and Nikita, I notice their expressions. Ryan looks wary, like he isn’t sure what to do and Nikita looks concerned, worried Jon's visit may have upset me.

  "Have you guys eaten yet?"

  They both nod and I help myself to a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. Holding half of my bagel in one hand, I grab a small box and head towards my car, taking bites as I make my way down the stairs. My car keys are in my pocket so I inhale the rest of my bagel to grab them. I pop the trunk and set the box inside. Ryan and Nikita are right behind me with more boxes. We are able to fill every single spare inch of space in my trunk before moving on to the back seat. The TV goes in first, its screen facing the backseat, and boxes and bags stacked behind it. The last couple of boxes and our duffle bags prove to be somewhat of an issue.

  One bag eventually ends up in the foot area of the front passenger seat, and the other rests on top of the middle console. As Nikita and Ryan do a final sweep, I walk over to the leasing office to get someone to do a final walk through. The extra leasing agent is showing an apartment so I have to wait a couple minutes before someone can help me. When I get back to the apartment, I see Nikita and Ryan trying to figure out how to fit the rolled up air mattress in the car.

  "Don’t worry about it. Nikita, do you want it? If you don’t, we can just toss it."

  "I don’t really need an air mattress," Nikita says, crinkling her nose.

  "I could use one," the leasing agent ventures.

  I think about it for a moment. "If I pass the walk through, you can have it."

  "Well, let's take a look."

  I follow the leasing agent through each room. I'm not worried about her finding anything wrong. It's not like Jon or I had put any holes in the walls or stained the carpet. Once the inspection is complete, and I’m given my carbon copy of no issues found form I hand the air mattress over. Then Nikita surprises me by getting teary again.

  "I'm gonna miss you, Grace." Nikita pulls me into a hug.

  "You'll have to come down and visit me then."

  "Can we go to Disney?"

  "Um, sure."

  Nikita leaves not long after that, and Ryan and I hit the road. I drive the first leg, since I’m familiar with the area. We're starting later than expected, with Jon stopping by and me having to wait for a leasing agent. Where we stop that night depends on how traffic is and how many stops we make. We’re only on the road an hour before we make our first stop. I'm now regretting that cup of coffee. We go ahead and eat lunch while we’re stopped to avoid another. Ryan asks about Jon.

  I look away. "Jon just wanted to say goodbye."

  "He seemed upset."

  "He said he would miss me."

  "That was nice of him to say."

  He sounded so sincere. I look at him, and he shrugs. I wonder why he seems so interested in Jon. I change the subject and ask him about his business and who's managing it while he's gone.

  "I've got a couple of longtime guys that can handle everything for a couple of days."

  "It's just so cool of you to do this. Seriously, thank you."

  "Anytime, Grace, really."

  I believe him. When we get back into the car, Ryan takes a turn driving. One thing we learn on our journey is we don't like the same music. Ryan is a fan of hard rock. Me? More pop and emo. Compromising, we alternate stations every so often. While Ryan is driving I think more about what Jon said. I'm having a hard time processing his surprise visit, and since we left, this is really my first opportunity to think about it. Am I making a mistake going to Florida?

  I'd been with him for three years. It’s impossible to not feel a sense of loss at our separation. I wonder if things could have been different if I'd stayed. I have a habit of obsessing over what ifs. The more I think about it, the more depressed I become. I'm so distracted I don’t realize Ryan has been talking to me.

  "Grace?"

  "Huh?" I glance at him.

  "I just asked if you thought we should stop at the next rest area. A sign we passed said it would be the last one for some time."

  "Uh, sorry. Sure, I guess that would be a good idea. It would be nice to stretch my legs."

  "You okay?"

  "Yeah, just zoned off there for a bit. Sorry."

  "No need to apologize" he says, reassuring me.

  Ryan moves over to the right hand lane in preparation for the upcoming turn off. I stare out the window, seeing Ryan's glances from the corner of my eye. I keep my head forward, and he frowns. I decide to stop thinking about Jon. It’s clear it's affecting my mood and that he can sense it. Plastering a somewhat false smile to my face, I tell him after our stop we should play the license plate game. Ryan has never heard of it so while he takes the exit and parks I explain the rules to him.

  "I have to warn you I'm very good at this game," I say competitively.

  "At least there's no punching in this game, and maybe I'll have beginner’s luck."

  "Doubtful" I beam.

  His mouth drops, and I laugh as I head to the ladies’ restroom. When we meet back at the car, he asks if I want a snack or drink before we leave.

  "Nah. Traffic isn’t bad so let's try and see if we can make it to Virginia before dinner."

  "You just want to start your game."

  "Maybe."

  "Cheeky thing, aren’t you?" He grins.

  I stick my tongue out at him and get into the car, then grab a sheet of paper from my purse and make a column for each of us. Ryan tries to call out cars from the parking lot, but I tell him to focus on getting out without hitting anyone and we will start once we are back on the freeway. By West Virginia, I have a substantial lead, and he glances over often at the sheet and shakes his head.

  "I will now call you eagle eye. Really. Do you see better than 20 /20?"

  "Hmm, I'm not sure. It's been a long time since I've seen an eye doctor."

  "But you work in a doctor’s office. Don’t they d
o eye exams?"

  "I'm sure I have a short one during my annual check ups, but I don’t remember anyone ever making a big deal about my vision so I think your eagle eye theory is lacking, buddy."

  "I'm only saying this because I used to always have vision problems. Last year, I finally got Lasik. Life changing."

  "How so?"

  "I had to find my glasses to see the alarm clock right next to my bed."

  My mouth drops. "Yikes. That’s bad. I can't picture you with glasses."

  "I wore contacts a lot. Hated them."

  "I've heard they can be irritating." I think about Jon and how he used to complain about his.

  "If you want to see a picture of me with glasses, you can look in my wallet" his wallet is sitting in one of the drink holders.

  "I'm not going to look through—NEVADA!—your wallet."

  "Shit, another one. Grace, seriously. It’s sitting right there. Besides, if you're distracted, I may catch up in this infuriating game."

  "You've got two chances, slim and none. And we overtook slim a while back."

  Ryan rolls his eyes but laughs and I grin as I reach for his wallet. It’s a worn, brown leather tri-fold. Flipping it open, I can only see the top of his license and pull it out. Ryan looks younger with his glasses. They are small, wire-rimmed ones and make him look very studious.

  "You looked so cute" I giggle.

  "Looked? I'm not cute anymore?"

  I copy Ryan's eye roll from a moment ago, trying not to blush and put his license back into his wallet. "Yes, you are still very cute."

  "You think I'm cute?"

  "Vermont!"

  "You didn’t answer my question."

  "Not going to either."

  "Aw, you're no fun."

  "Yep, that's me. No fun at all." I blush, realizing I'm flirting with him. Guilt coils in my stomach as I think of Jon.

  We make it to Virginia before dinner. Pulling off the highway in a small town, we pick up some fast food and check into a motel room. It’s a surprise to the clerk when I ask for two double beds.

  The clerk, who is an older woman, takes a second look at Ryan. "You sure?"

  "Yes, thank you." I grumble, handing over my credit card as Ryan tries unsuccessfully not to laugh. He manages to keep it to a chuckle, which I appreciate. We walk out to the car and park it as close to our room as possible. I feel uncomfortable having all of my earthly possessions sitting in it while in an unfamiliar place. I beep the alarm three times before leaving it. The room in general isn’t bad, just seems outdated. It appears to be clean, though, and that is all I care about. Ryan is adamant about having the bed closer to the door.

  He makes such a big deal about it, I ask why.

  "Well, to protect you should something happen."

  It takes me a moment to respond. It feels like I have never known someone to be selfless. "You don’t have to protect me."

  "I know that."

  "It's nice that you want to. Thank you."

  Ryan furrows his brows and looks at me before calling Kate to let her know we were stopping for the night. I set my bag on the other bed and then sit at the small table to eat my burger. It’s weird. I slept in the same apartment as him last night, but now we'll be sleeping in the same room, it feels more…personal. He'll be able to see me while I'm asleep. What if I snore? And the room in general isn’t very big…What if I got gas? I cringe at the thought. I'm attracted to Ryan. The very fact that I am acknowledging that makes me feel guilty, like I have not properly dealt with my break up with Jon. Thinking of Jon and what he said confuses me.

  If he'd only shown some semblance of affection towards me since my return from Florida, I would have never considered leaving. I loved him for three years. It's hard to turn off those reflexive emotions to him. The last year had been difficult, but when you care about someone it takes more than just a rough patch to give up. For me, it had been him telling me I should go. How could I stay and try to work things out if he wouldn’t? But after this morning…

  Ryan switches on the TV and begins flipping through the channels. He stops and looks to me for input. I’m not much help. I'm worn out, both physically and mentally. My plan after finishing my dinner is to get ready for bed. I'm sure the noise of the TV won't disturb me so I tell Ryan to pick whatever he likes. He looks bummed that I’m tired but doesn’t say anything about it directly. He seems to be ignoring how tired he is himself, yawning frequently. I change into PJs in the bathroom and brush my teeth. I gaze enviously at the somewhat deep tub. The tub is a surprise given the age of the motel.

  I wish I could take a bath and soak, but one of two things stops me. One: it would be weird to be naked one room over from him, and/or two, I am so tired I would probably fall asleep in it. I go back into the main room and get into bed. I turn so my back is to Ryan and don’t even remember falling asleep. The next morning, I wake up to the sound of the shower going. I look at the alarm clock and am shocked to see it's already after eight. I have slept soundly for almost twelve hours. I've also not gone to the bathroom in all that time, and the sound of the shower is not helping.

  I try to block the splashing sound of the shower out of my mind. At one point, I contemplate just going in there, but luckily, I hear the shower switch off. I climb out of bed and walk-dance to the door of the bathroom. I can hear Ryan on the other side, moving around. What is he doing? Giving up, I knock on the door.

  "Yeah?"

  "I, um, really have to, you know."

  "Oh, right. Sorry."

  He opens the door and moves past me. It is hard to not stop and stare at him, damp, towel wrapped around his waist. I have little choice, though, and dash inside. When I'm done, I notice he has laid out his clothes for the day on the sink counter, meaning he is probably waiting, by the door, in a towel. I hurry out, thanking him. He's standing in the center of the room, between the beds, remote in hand. He turns and smiles, telling me it's no bother. I try not to stare, I do, but he's right there. In a towel. He stops when he finds a news channel and goes back to the bathroom to get dressed.

  I retrieve my outfit for the day from my duffle, and once he comes back out of the bathroom, go to take my shower. The motel has crappy water pressure. Considering how weak the stream is, I'm amazed I heard Ryan's shower at all. Because of it, I take a longer than normal shower, just in the hopes of rinsing all of my conditioner from my hair. After showering, I dress in a pair of slouchy jeans and a baseball-styled, long-sleeved t-shirt. I put moisturizer on my face and skip makeup, but since it's cold out, I use the dryer attached to the wall to blow dry my hair. Not sure what our breakfast plans are, I go ahead and brush my teeth before going back out into the room. Ryan is staring intently at his phone with a print out of our map next to him.

  "Everything okay?"

  "Looking for a detour. There was a pileup on the road we should be taking. They showed a picture of it on the news. Trailer truck spilled its load. Looks like it will be a mess to clean up. I think it'd be best to avoid it all together."

  "Good thing you watched the news. Are there any good alternate routes?"

  "I found a couple that look promising. Just trying to figure out which is best."

  "I'll leave that to you, I'm directionally challenged."

  He looks up at me and raises a brow "Not the person to trust the compass with then?"

  "Nope. The compass will cease being operational in my hands."

  He shakes his head. "You can't be that bad."

  "Maybe. I haven’t really ventured outside of my normal routine in so long. But enough talk about that. What do you want to do for breakfast?"

  "I saw a pancake place on the way in. Sound good?"

  "Works for me."

  I gather my things and double-check the bathroom before following Ryan out to the car. He's driving since he knows where we're going, I wait for him in the car while he goes to check out. At the restaurant, I order an omelet and Ryan a breakfast steak meal. When our food comes out, we both do a double
take at the size of Ryan's plate. The amount of food on it can easily feed four people. He does his best but is about halfway when he gives up. Ryan pays for the meal since I paid for the motel room.

  We're back on the road not long after. Ryan's alternate route takes us thirty minutes out of the way. Given the accident still has the other road blocked, it was a smart move. Even though I had slept so long the night before, the car and the uncongested highway lull me back to sleep. I jump when Ryan shakes my shoulder. Looking around, blinking rapidly, I realize we're at a rest stop.

  "Thought it would be a good time for a stop. Sorry to wake you, but I wanted to see if you'd like to get out and stretch your legs"

  "Oh, how long was I out?"

  "About three hours."

  "Really? I don’t get why I'm so tired."

  "I've heard moving can be emotionally draining."

  "That must be it."

  "Did you want to get out?"

  "Yes, thanks"

  I unfold myself from the passenger seat. It feels wonderful to stretch. I slowly walk around to the back of the car and lean on the trunk, looking about. The rest stop is on the small side. It has a gas station with a built in deli and a bank of vending machines near the bathrooms. There is a grassy area with a couple of picnic benches for people to sit and eat at. It’s almost lunch time. I wonder if Ryan's hungry. He’s gone to the restroom. It’s probably a smart idea that I do the same. When I get back to the car, he is there, waiting for me.

  "Should we eat lunch?" I ask.

  "Sure. I’m not really hungry, though. Big breakfast."

  I laugh, remembering our faces when his plate came out.

  "We could always buy sandwiches now and eat them later."

  We walk over to the deli to see what they offer. Ryan, again, refuses to let me pay. I don’t mind, I won’t have a source of income when I get to Florida. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. It’s hard not to second-guess my choices. I'm leaving so much behind: a good job that I loved and Jon. I don’t know what to think about Jon. When it comes to him, I just feel unsettled. It had been my goal for so long to make our relationship work. It feels like I've given up, but had he given up first?

  When we get back to the car with our sandwiches, I take over driving. It feels good to have something to do, and Ryan makes a good navigator. I feel somewhat guilty for sleeping instead of helping when he drove.