by G S Binkley
“I take it he liked the idea.”
“Yes.” Dani couldn’t contain her jubilant smile. “He asked me.”
“I see. Just what does going steady mean to you, Dani?” Lacy needed to traverse this potential minefield with the greatest of ease.
“You know, everybody knows we’re like…. together.”
“Together?”
“Yeah. We talk at school. Meet at the mall and hang out. Go to a movie…maybe. Things like that.”
Corralling her spinning thoughts, Lacy informed her daughter. “Dani. You know, you can’t date until you’re sixteen.”
“Not that kinda of going together.” The thirteen year old pulled her legs up to her chest and leaned against the window. “It’s more like talking on the phone and like I said just meeting each other at get togethers… that sort of thing.”
Lacy remembered that sort of thing. She wasn’t that old not to know what started out as just holding hands and innocent kisses led to… even more now in this day and age. Over the last four years from time to time, the question of dating and sex sprang out of things that happened so Lacy would talk openly with her daughter, answering all her questions. “Honey, what did you tell Lane?”
“I said I would let him know Monday. I wanted to talk with you first.”
Thank you, God. Thank you. “Alright. Where do you want to start?”
“Katie said if I go steady with Lane, I can’t talk with other boys.”
Relieved that her daughter’s first question wasn’t one of a more intimate nature, Lacy laughed. “Come here.” Dani scooted closer. “You can talk to whomever you want. Going steady does not isolate you from your other friends - whether they are girls or boys.”
Lacy and Dani spent the next two hours touching every subject within reason that would guide Dani to a logical decision regarding going steady with Lane Grayson. As much as Dani liked the idea, she was reluctant to take that step. She expressed her concern about the pressure her friends would give her if she didn’t accept his proposal. Then on the other hand if she did, Dani thought it might create a barrier between herself and some of her friends. She knew Katie liked Lane as well. It was going to be a long weekend for the young teenage girl.
When Lacy was finished talking with her daughter, she sought out her partner only to find Gage deep in thought. Lacy put the kids to bed then found her way to their bedroom.
As the day grew longer, Gage had become quieter and quieter. Time was running out. Stressing over her upcoming confrontation… I mean conversation…with her mother, Lacy pulled her partner in her arms offering Gage a peaceful, quiet port of safety before the dawn brought the impending doom.
*************************
Lacy informed Gage that after church she was taking the kids to her mother’s for a visit, leaving the nervous blonde and Stella alone for their talk.
Wringing her hands together, Gage stood next to the minivan wishing she was going along to visit Lacy’s parents. The kids had already said their goodbyes when Lacy allowed Hayley to lean over and bump heads with Gage. The blonde held her daughter for a brief moment before attempting to give Hayley back to Lacy.
Shaking her head, Lacy refused the offering. “No. You may need her.”
With that Lacy dropped in the car and drove away.
Bouncing her daughter in her arms, Gage pursed her lips. Darn you, Lacy. You know I’ll keep my emotions under control with Hayley there. Gage kissed her daughter before turning back to the door. “Your mother’s tricky. You know that, don’t you Hayley?”
The tiny blonde seemed to understand the gravity of the moment and for the first time she leaned in, giving her mom a wet kiss on the cheek.
Gage did everything she could to avoid the dreaded discussion with her mother. She changed Hayley’s dry diaper and offered the tiny tot food to see if she was hungry. The blonde checked for dirty dishes…anything to further delay the talk with her mother.
Finally summoning all her courage and sucking in a deep breath, Gage casually strolled into the family room to find Stella reading the Sunday paper. She nodded at her mother.
“Gage? I thought you guys were going over to Lynn’s after church?” Stella dropped the paper to her lap. She wondered why Lacy hadn’t asked her to go along.
“Well, Lacy did and the kids.” Nodding her head toward her daughter, she continued. “Except I got this one. Actually, I was… I stayed behind…” The blonde looked everywhere except at her mother.
Recognizing that something was wrong, Stella placed the paper on the end table and started to get up. “What’s wrong?”
Shooting a halting hand up, Gage said. “Don’t get up. It’s nothing really. I was… Lacy thought…. and I did, too. That maybe… we should…” Gage drew in another calming breath before she sat on the couch across from Stella. “…talk.”
Nodding, Stella knew the source of anxiety her daughter was definitely displaying signs of. Clasping her hands together, Stella simply said. “Okay.”
Trying to get comfortable, Gage suddenly realized she didn’t know where to start. “You go first.” The stressed blonde exhaled a sigh of relief when Stella nodded.
“Okay. I take this is about… us.” Seeing her daughter’s green eyes shift nervously, Stella knew she was on the right track. Lacy had also given her a heads-up about the impending discussion. Stella could hear Lacy’s voice in her mind, replaying the sage advice her daughter-in-law had given her. You’ll not only have to start it but keep it going. Knowing she should ease into the conversation, Stella proffered a question she had long wanted to ask. “Do you mind if I ask you why you didn’t have Mark as Hayley’s godfather? He is her biological father.”
Relieved by hearing a question she could answer, the dooming weight on her shoulders lightened a bit. “Lacy and I talked about it with Mark. He was our first choice, but Mark figured it should be someone younger. And, I really like Nate.” Referring to Lacy’s youngest brother, Gage continued. “At first Mark was reluctant to be a major part in Hayley’s life because he didn’t want that to take away from Hayley being our child… Lacy and mine. Lacy and I both had to do some real convincing that we would never feel that way. We want Mark to be very much a part of Hayley’s life. When the time’s right we plan on telling Hayley the circumstances of her…. creation.”
Upon hearing her name several times, Hayley gurgled several unrecognizable words. But Gage could tell she was happy to be the center of the conversation.
“If anything should happen to… us…. Lacy and me, Mark will get custody.” Gage stated simply then noticed a very sad look cross her mother’s face. “Of course, there’s you, too. And Lacy’s parents. We want you in her life no matter what. You…you are her grandmother.”
Feeling the relief of being assured by her daughter, Stella smiled. “I want that, too.”
Even Hayley offered a look of approval to them.
“Of course, I don’t know how long this old body’s going to hold out.”
Feeling a little bit guilty because she had never asked how her mom’s visit to the doctor went - as she passed that chore to Lacy - the blonde asked. “Are you feeling okay? Lacy said the doctor gave you a clean bill of health.”
Waving off her daughter’s concern, Stella confirmed. “She did. Although, I’ve got two horse pills I have to take for ten days.”
Mother and daughter shared a laugh that truly felt good. Since Hayley was starting to wiggle in her mother’s arms as she was becoming bored with all the talk, Stella retrieved her favorite toy and gave them to her granddaughter. Hayley greedily took possession of the plastic keys and promptly stuck them in her mouth.
A deafening silence fell between them. As Lacy had predicted, it was up to Stella to re-start their conversation. She dove into the cold dangerous waters head first. “I’m sorry, Gage. I didn’t do right by you. I know that.” She stubbornly continued even as the blonde tried to shuck it off. “I know you can never fully forgive me….”
That’s not true. Gage was surprised by this thought that jumped to the forefront of her mind.
“….I don’t expect it. I just want to be part of your life now… in any way I can…. with you and your family.”
“They’re your family now, too.” The blonde found herself saying things she never thought she ever would - at least not to the mother that had abandoned her and set in motion the rocky journey Gage had to traverse. Twin feelings inside her raised their head, alternating between anger and relief.
“Thank you….. for that.”
“Don’t thank me. Lacy would kill me if….” Realizing her words caused a hurt look to suddenly appear on Stella’s face, Gage wished back the ill-fated words and hoped the next ones would truly convey her feelings. “Stella, I…. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this but…” The writer struggled to formulate the words that would accurately reflect the vortex of feelings she had regarding her mother. She temporarily elected to take the easiest route. “…somewhere in all of this… I want you to know that Lacy and I will be there for you no matter what. If anything… you know with your health…..”
“Yes, my health.” Somehow her daughter’s consoling words did not comfort her.
“That’s not what I mean exactly… although we will be there….. should anything… well, you know.” God, this is so hard. The only thing that pushed her forward with the conversation and made her stay glued to her seat was the fact that Lacy wanted her to do this.
“Maybe if I…. would you like to know what led me to my decision?” Stella correctly took Gage’s no response as an affirmative. “I was fifteen when I became pregnant with you. The boy… your father… I was very much in love.... though I came to find out he wasn’t. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I think you deserve and want the truth.”
Gage nodded even as she felt the anger building inside her. One quick look at Hayley tempered the heated rise from igniting.
“I found out later it was just a bet. You were conceived because of bunch of his friends made this deal between them on who would be the first to… have a virgin.” The memories that flooded her mind of that revelation devastated the innocent fifteen-year-old girl. Unshed tears filled her eyes. “I didn’t know what to do. Back then…. he offered to help me get an abortion. I just couldn’t do that.”
As much as this stubborn little part of Gage never wanted to fully forgive her mother, upon seeing Stella falter even Gage couldn’t resist reaching out and offering her mother a touch of consolation.
It warmed Stella’s heart to feel her daughter’s touch. A trembling wave of emotions shuddered through her body. That touch gave her the strength to go on. “My father had died the year before and mom was working two jobs to support us. I had two younger brothers.”
This bit of news brought a questioning look to Gage’s eyes.
“They were both killed later in the Vietnam war.” Stella informed her daughter. “I happened to run into this social worker at the doctor’s office.”
“Grace.” Gage supplied the social worker’s name.
Nodding, Stella continued. “She was a savior to me. Grace helped me get through the most agonizing decision I was faced with up until then. I couldn’t burden my mom with my responsibility and I was working part time to help her with the bills and going to school.” Stella patted her daughter’s hand. “That’s not important though.”
I think it is. Gage thought. I should really tell her this but….. No matter how hard the blonde tried, she just couldn’t muster the words she knew her mother would be comforted by. Gage was fighting the angry feelings inside her, pushing them down as best she could. Hayley sitting in her lap offered the strength to remain on an even keel and not lose control of her emotions.
“Grace gave me options and personally promised to look after you if I decided to give you up for adoption. It was my decision alone.” Stella relieved a heavy sigh. “It was the best this pregnant fifteen year old could come up with.”
“I can see that….” The blonde reluctantly asked a question that had been looming in her mind ever since Stella confirmed that she was the one to help Gage get over her stuttering. “Why did you come back into my life….and then leave again?”
“A few years after… that, I graduated and got a job. Then I fell in love with a very nice man, Gordon Smith.”
“So, Smith is your married name?”
“Mmmm hmmmm.” Stella continued. “We found out that we couldn’t… I couldn’t have any more children. Your birth wasn’t the easiest. There were complications. Gage, I never…. every day I thought of you. You were always on my mind. By chance I ran into Grace one day and found out that the people that adopted you shortly after your birth died in a car accident when you were almost two.”
Gage tried to retrieve any memories of this couple her mother referred to but couldn’t. “I don’t…I don’t remember.” Learning this news about her adopted parents started another round of angry feelings inside her. It’s like I was destined to never have a family of my own.
“Couples at that time were more interested in a newborn. It was harder to place you as you got older. Grace did her best. I think maybe you would have been adopted before I saw you again but Grace was very particular about any couple that was going to get you. I know it’s a something she feels bad about.”
Gage interrupted her mother. “It’s not her fault. She’s my first real memory. I love her. She only wanted what was best for me.” I guess you did, too.
“When she told me that you had not been adopted, I begged her to let me work at the center and I was intent on talking with Gordon about adopting you but I had to explain a few things to him first. I never told him about you.” Stella explained. “It seems everything I did was wrong. I should have told him.”
“Guess he didn’t like it much, huh?”
“It was more of a shock to him. He wasn’t really opposed to me trying to get you back…. he was just trying to deal with all of it. And, then there was the fact that I couldn’t have any more children.” Stella let that thought die on her lips. “I was content to be with you at the center and I knew Gordon would come around. You were the cutest thing…and smart, too. Very curious and always had question after question.”
“I remember. You always had an answer for me.” The angry feelings inside eased a bit.
“I have to admit something….” Stella leaned in closer and Hayley thought she wanted a kiss so the little girl crawled onto her grandmother’s lap and bumped heads. Gage and Stella shared a laugh before she continued. “Some of the answers I made up…. you were smarter than me even when you were five.”
“Somehow I can’t believe that. If I remember right, I was pretty stubborn.” Gage recalled how she would repeat the question she had on her mind until she got the answer she thought was logical.
“That, too.” Stella offered a genuine smile. “One day a couple came in when Grace wasn’t there. They had talked with another social worker and when they saw you…. well, you were exactly what they wanted.”
“That I do remember. I was sad to leave but I liked Nikki immediately.” Gage recalled the couple’s little girl and her parents wanted their daughter to have a sister, as they were unable to get pregnant again. “The day they took me home I was the happiest little girl. I had a family to call my own.”
“Yes, you went back and forth being happy then sad over the whole thing. But, when you saw Nikki…. well, having a sister was one thing I wouldn’t be able to give you.” Now for the hard part. “I knew I had to walk away from you a second time so you could truly bond with your new family. I think if you could have had Grace, Nikki and me as your family…..”
A smile came easily to Gage’s face. “That was my dream family.” Surprised she had said it out loud, Gage added. “Eventually though I did really get my dream family.” Gage reached over and tickled her daughter’s belly.
“I left knowing I would never see you again but thinking you would be happy and well ca
red for.” Stella concluded her story surrounding Gage’s birth and adoptions.
The few times Gage’s feelings started to ignite and skyrocket upon hearing her mother’s story because painful memories flooded her mind was tempered by the sight of her daughter. Lacy you are the wisest person in the world. “I think I understand…. as much as I can right now.”
“I’m not asking for your forgiveness, Gage. Just to have you….all of you in my life somehow.”
Gage squeezed her mother’s arm before she relieved Stella of Hayley. “That I can promise you. I want Hayley to know all of her family.”
The open wound in their relationship would take time to heal. It was Lacy’s accurate prescription to heal Gage’s relationship with her mother that would lead to the cure.
There was a question that had pounded away at Gage for years. She had spent many hours mulling over this particular elusive mystery. “By the way, I have one more question.”
Expecting the query she most dreaded, Stella braced herself. When it finally registered what Gage had asked, she was surprised but greatly relieved that her daughter didn’t ask more about her father.
“What does my middle initial ‘S’ stand for?”
***********************
When Lacy crawled in bed with Gage, she scooted as close as she could considering the ever present child between them. Eyeing their little bundle of joy, Lacy placed Hayley on her left so Gage could hold her. Feeling her partner expel a very satisfied sigh, Lacy said. “I know you had a rough day.”
“Mmmmm..” Gage hugged her lover.
“First you talk with Stella, then Mitch calls.” Lacy let her statement hang in the air hoping Gage would catch it. When the sleepy blonde didn’t, Lacy turned to lie on her back. She wanted to see her lover’s face when she asked the next question. “Are you too tired to tell me what he wanted?”
Shortly before bedtime, Mitchell Stone telephoned his ex-lover. Gage took the call that lasted thirty minutes. Lacy busied herself getting the kids ready for bed. She wanted to preoccupy her mind, so as not to worry regarding the motivation behind his unexpected call.