“Hello,” Dana calls from her seat. “Are you okay? What’s happened?”
Rubbing my forehead, I try to find the words and search for an easy answer to give them. Abuela sees my struggle and butts in after she swallows her beer. “Spider did her dirty.” At first, the girls and I can’t turn away, staring blinking at her, but she’s not done. “She dumped Kilo, and let me tell you, that boy is no bueno and hasn’t been good enough for her. Question is, what did Spider do to you?” Oh. My. God. I give her my best piercing look. She is the devil!
Five pairs of eyes stare at me with expressions to be answered. “Thanks, Abuela, for airing out my business like that,” I scold and scowl at her some more. Is it not enough they all know what a piece of shit my ex was but now Spider? Great.
“Family doesn’t have secrets. You’ve lost sight of that,” she defends and waits.
She’s trying to force me into telling the truth about Spider so he will hear about it and demand answers. Abuela is stirring the pot big time. I shake my head and think to myself, to punish her, I'm not visiting for at least two weeks. See how she likes that. Grabbing a beer and a shot of tequila, I tell the girls the sordid tale of the epic love that failed between us, minus the baby. They don’t move or whisper a word right away and it causes me to flinch. Shit, it is as bad as I thought, and I didn’t see the writing on the wall.
Jenn is the first to open and close and then open her mouth again before she comments, “I think he loved you.”
The rest nod in agreement and this time my mouth hangs open before I can respond. “What in the hell or how in the hell did you come up with that?”
Vegas beams, “He’s a dick, no doubt. But I agree with Jenn. No one gets under his skin. He never reacts that way. Spider is smart and calculating and that was stupid and mean, yes, but the man was hurting. Why?”
All I can do is shrug my shoulders. “What happened in your life right before that? Back up a day or two, any significant thing happened?” Kat inquires.
I shrug again. “With him, no. We didn’t see each other too often.”
“Not just with him. Think only about events, what happened generally,” she prompts.
It takes some effort to go back in time, but one thing does pop up. “I broke up with Kilo right before that and opened my tattoo shop.” Inwardly, I cringe. He couldn’t have known about the baby, it was too soon. No one but me, Abuela, and Snake did. Then what is it?
The guys filter in after their meeting and we drop the subject, thank god for small favors. My head swarms, trying to pinpoint where we went wrong. All that does is make me crawl into myself and my doubt. It is impossible for me to see that he did that to me because he was hurting. For what possible reason? I never hurt him. Unless someone else hurt him and he was taking it out on me. If that’s the case, then he’s an even bigger dick than I thought before.
I grow uneasy when I see Spider on the other side of the yard. Casually, he grabs a beer and a plate of food. The pressure on me today to expose all these feelings makes my adrenaline spike in my bloodstream. The kids rushing around and the whirlwind of emotions is too consuming. Too much that the sight of him is overwhelming and hurts. It crushes my bruised heart.
Leaning over, I kiss Abuela on the cheek and explain, “I need some air. Get a ride with Vegas if I don’t catch back up with you.” Thankfully, she takes me for my word and I leave the party. Booming voices of men follow me all the way to the car. I can’t get away fast enough. I take the car for a long drive to think. What are these feelings and what do they mean?
I have plenty of time to think about the what-ifs and if our relationship would have ever worked. It seemed that at every turn, our timing was just wrong. I took the time apart I needed for me. I’ve been selfish and healed alone. Or did the best I could. I know from talking with the girls that Reno has had their fair share of ups and downs. A few times I wanted to call Spider, but I never could bring myself to. There is no future if I hang on to the past. At least that’s how I felt. Was there a future with us? Because the last thing I wanted was another relationship like I had with Kilo.
One thing I did learn through this mess of loss and scars is they will always be there. I will just be better at handling them in the future. There are no guarantees. In fact, the only thing that is guaranteed is pain. So is happiness though, if I chose to be better myself.
All too soon, I park the car and hesitantly move toward the door of the clubhouse. I steel myself for what I will most likely see behind these doors. My life has been a wreck in the love department my entire life, so the worst is what I expect. I just hope he will hear me out and I can find out why he did what he did.
The space is in full swing of what would be a great party and the Ol’ Ladies are gone. Spider doesn’t see me in the dark corner across the room. I thought I was strong enough to finally talk to him and air out the pain between us. Like a fool who is bad at love, I hoped that the man who I felt the same way about would be what I found. What did I expect, for him to fight for me? Wait for me? I did, I really hoped he would in the very least. That’s why I couldn’t talk to him at the barbecue. I knew he wasn’t waiting around or even looking for me in the crowd. Not a day went by without silence between us. I was in too much pain to hear his side before. Would I really call him up and talk about what an asshole he was? But he deserves to know the truth about the baby, regardless of feelings.
Since everything has seemed to mellow out with the clubs and the death of Solo, I felt it was time to move past this hurdle. Stop with hiding and be open and honest with each other. There was something there between us. I haven’t cried, and I held on like a force to get past the worst parts. Here I am to finish what is left. I knew it would hurt, I just didn’t expect the blast of emotions cursing through my bloodstream and beating my heart with each beat
My hopes die when I watch some clubwhore grind her naked body all over him. Spider bites the corner of his bottom lip, the only loss of control that he gives away. I’m all too familiar with that look and I’m the only person in the room who recognizes this. Spider doesn’t have many tells, but he wants her. The amount of time we have spent together behind closed doors, we’ve experienced every dark desire of flesh. I’ve seen it. Thought I owned it.
I believed we had found a match with each other. Sadly, we didn’t. Spider brushes her hair to the side. Then he leans in to give her instructions. I know the drill. He’s teaching her how to please him. Nothing has prepared me for this moment. I should know how this works by now, but I never learn my lesson. Men leave. They are only faithful to the sins of the flesh. My legs weaken underneath me and I fall back against the wall.
My heart rate picks up to a racing speed and my lungs take in as much air as they can. My exhale is pure pain and haggard as I start to hyperventilate at what I’m seeing. Spider’s hands run delicately over her skin from her hip, up her side. It all comes back to me—the phone call he made before and the sounds of him with another woman. Was it her? His fingers landing on her tits, the club girl giggles. His face remains impassive while the sound makes me want to vomit. He’s a taker of pleasures but not a giver. Her hands on his chest hold her up before she pushes back.
Spider stands, and my world explodes with what comes next. He begins to lead her out of the room to go to his room. Clenching my eyes tight, I tell myself it will be okay. I control myself against the odds of the little control that I feel inside. I stay rooted to the spot. My life experiences have brought me to this point. I am in too deep, and the jealousy claws at me from the inside out, the crushing disappointment wanting to be freed. I thought I had found a man who I could fall in love with. Now, I see that is not true. He is not for me and I was wrong all along.
“Jazz,” Cowboy calls for me. Slowly, my eyes open and collide with Spider’s. I’ve been caught. There is no going back. His scowl is difficult to read. Spider’s emotions are always carefully hidden. I don’t know if he’s angry to see me or could care less. He snaps himself
forward and I’m forgotten. “Hey, sweetheart, are you okay?” Cowboy leans in and lowers his voice to be heard over the surrounding chaos. His gentle touch feathers over my arms. The trance between Spider and I is broken when I rip my focus away from Spider’s back.
He has wanted to start something with me for the last few years. You can safely assume, I pushed him to the side for a chance with Spider. What a fool I am. I go for the guys who hurt me. Maybe, I could make a go of it with Cowboy. But it would be a disaster. What a mess I’ve become. My needs have created a lonely woman with no direction. Why do I need a man to make me feel free? To take me to places that free me of the chains of responsibility?
Taking all this in, I just can’t. I tilt my face to the side. The shame that has accompanied me, I will regret if anyone sees it. Steeling my nerves, I push it aside. “I’m okay, just got some bad news is all. I think it’s time for me to head out.”
Chapter 16
Spider
Am I seeing shit? It’s like a ghost walked in. Jazzy. It took me over a year to forget her and what happened between us. I fought like hell to let her go. There she stands, right before me, with a look of broken confusion on her face and fire in her eyes. Why? She told me she didn’t need or want me. Never did she take the time to answer my text. I don’t give in to anyone and beg, so I walked away from her. Again.
This time, I had another woman in my grips. Once we hit the hallway, I left her standing there stunned. I have no answers, but something feels wrong. My gut tells me to go back. The amount of people piled into the clubhouse makes it hard from my position to keep track of her. Searching for Jazz, I find her smiling up at Cowboy. I want to know why she was here and why was she looking at me like that. But as soon as I push through the crowd, she’s nowhere to be found.
Quickly, I scan the room and Jazzy’s not at the bar. Turning around, I can’t find her in the main room either. Anxiously, I look outside at the group in the yard in case I missed her. My hands are in tight fists at my side. Did she leave with Cowboy?
“Looking for someone?” Tank asks with Kat at his side.
Whipping my head around, I blurt, “Jazz. Have you seen her?”
“Why?” Kat glowers, “She’s been through enough, so I want to know why.”
“None of your business, Kat. It’s between me and her.” Not even my snarl or my menacing glare makes her flinch away. In fact, she raises a challenging brow.
Tank pulls his lips in to hide the humor he finds in our exchange, pulling Kat into him, shutting her up. “She left not too long ago. I don’t know where to.”
The astonishing glance I give them says it all. I wasn’t prepared to see her. Did she go home to California already? When will I see her again? Darting out of the yard and to my office, I look up her GPS on her phone, which is conveniently off. Determined, I check her car GPS and it’s in California. How, if she was here? The questions pile one on top of the other, not making any sense. I get the feeling there is no way that I will find her on the internet. I’m going to have to do this old school and start busting down doors.
Something has to give, and the truth needs to come out. No more hiding. Racing to my bike, I go on a hunch that she is visiting the women before she leaves, if she is still here. Saint and Tank were still at the clubhouse, which leaves Blade’s, Pawn’s, and Axl’s houses she could possibly be at. Hitting the throttle, I decide to check the closest ones first, Pawn’s house, and worst-case scenario, I will head over to Sacramento if I have to. Houses zip by and my bike sounds like a monster, a warning to others on the road to get the fuck out of my way.
A block over, I barely catch the taillights of an old black car that looks vaguely familiar from this distance, but I push ahead in pursuit of Jazzy at Pawn’s house. The bike comes to a screeching halt, leaving tire marks in the street. Tossing my helmet in the grass, I stomp toward Pawn and Tami, who are already on the porch. “Is she here?” I demand.
“No,” Tami says flatly.
I never thought I would see the day when Tami would cover for someone so effortlessly. I expected her to hide behind Pawn with the enraged and frustrated anger pouring from me. “She was here?”
“A bit ago, yeah.” Her tone telling, she’s irritated at me, for what though?
“And?” I press a little harder. If she is pissed off, I could care less. I have bigger problems now.
“You know, Spider, when you leave town, you say goodbye to the people important to you.” Tami bites and glares back at me. “Jazzy’s not here. She drove away in a car. I don’t know where.”
At least she confirmed her car isn’t here, so who’s then. “She isn’t driving her car. The GPS says it’s still in California.” Does she have to drag out the conversation more than necessary?
“Maybe try calling her then. When you’re alone,” Tami smarts, then shuts the door behind her. Oh, so Jazzy came here to stir the pot and the girls know what I did, leaving me to deal with the aftermath. Great.
“Fucking women,” I bark and direct my frustration to Pawn. “If you see her… ” I stab his chest with a finger. “Call me.” God, I can’t deal with these emotional and petty fights of witty bullshit. Whipping around, I storm off and snatch up my helmet from the grass.
“Why did Tami say ‘alone’?” Pawn hollers to me.
“Don’t fucking worry about it.” Growling, I tug the helmet on and take off. That leaves me to my next stop—Blade’s house. Which is a bad idea. I don’t need Vegas in my shit and I sure as hell don’t need him thinking that I am distracted. The Ol’ Ladies are more than likely helping to hide her from me, I can feel it, which confirms they know what I did.
After several miles, I roll up to Blade’s home. Blade sits on his porch, smoking, with a grin on his face that I want to punch. “Took you long enough to come here.”
Tossing my helmet to the side and charging forward, I ask, “Is she here?”
Blade points with his fingers holding his smoke at the same dark Cadillac I saw at the clubhouse and in Pawn’s neighborhood, and it makes sense. She drove Abuela here. I’ve been chasing her all day and saw this car multiple times. I’m fucking pissed off. My blood boils with what this woman did to me.
“How do you think Jazz felt?” Blade questions because he knows why I’m mad. “I don’t get between the girls and their business, just like they don't get into ours. Boundaries, brother. They protect each other. In your case, a lesson. What the fuck did you do?”
Blowing out a lungful of air, I spit out each word. “After I got a voicemail of Jazz making up with her man, I paid her back. I fucked a girl and called her while I was doing it.”
“You get your point across?” he asks and blows out a long drag.
“What do you mean?”
“That she isn’t worth your respect or time?”
“There was a lot more than that, that happened,” I try to defend.
“Let me hear the message. I know you still have it.”
Playing the message on speaker, I let him hear the words coming from them. When it finishes, he puts out the butt and looks me square in the eye. “If I ran every time some little bitch came sniffing around Vegas, we would have never made it. That wasn’t her making up with him. That was two people talking, and we don't know what it all means. If you would have done your homework, you probably would have found out that she dumped him, respectfully for you. You've been played, brother.”
Standing there on his porch, I’m stunned. Was that sent to me on purpose?
The front door flies open where Jazzy stands. “You need to leave. If you would have had the balls to call me, I could have explained that.” She points to my phone and is seething at the sight of me. Holy shit. I ignored my gut this whole time. She saw me at the clubhouse with another woman again. “You didn’t hear the part where I dumped him. Leave. I’m not running anymore from you. I got your message loud and clear. There is nothing left between us.”
She turns on her heel and I dart past Blade to get my
hands on her. Roughly, I grip her arm, stopping her from leaving. “I didn’t know.” I grit through clenched teeth, “Let me explain.”
“Fuck you, Spider. It would have been nice to be allowed the chance to explain.” Her body is rigid and unmoving, not willing to give me an inch.
“I thought you sent me that message. What the hell would you expect me to think?” I try to soften my voice, but it’s damn near impossible with the heat cursing through me.
She rips her arm free and Blade takes the opportunity to walk into the house, shutting the door behind him. “Why the hell would I hurt you? I may have gone after you, but I am no slut, Spider.”
“I thought you were playing me to get what you wanted from him.”
“I was breaking up with him for good. Not that I had been fucking him for months before that.” She spits, “There was so much that I needed to tell you, but every chance I had, there was something happening. That day, I wanted to talk to you about us. He needed to know we were over first, but you beat me to the punch before I got to you. I’m fucking done. It’s over, Spider.”
Jazzy turns her back to me to go back inside the house. Rage and guilt take over, but most of all, need, the crazy passion to feel her body to mine. Flipping her body around, I pin her back to the door she wanted to escape through. “It’s far from fucking over.” My lips claim hers in a violent kiss. We war against each other for dominance and control. We bite and nip at any flesh we can.
Our breaths mingle, and like before, we become one. My chest explodes with heat and desire that I thought had died. My hands hold her head still and I rest my forehead against hers. “I’m coming for you, Jazz, and you’re right, no more running, but we are fucking far from being over.”
Jazzy
I hold onto his cut with all my strength. Even though our lips, teeth, and tongues are at war. Even though my heart shatters at his touch, it wants it anyway. His short beard feels coarse to the smooth shaved skin I’ve felt before. Spider is my home and my undoing. As always, I want what I shouldn’t have. Pulling my face away from his, I separate our connection that calls to every pore in my body. this. I cannot look away from his face, taking in the changes. He let his hair grow longer on top. Still, even disheveled from his tight cut before, he is handsome. The dark lines under his eyes are new. What has happened to him?
Claiming His Forever (Battle Born MC Book 8) Page 10