by Ben Utecht
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CONTENTS
Prologue
CHAPTER 1: Where It All Began
CHAPTER 2: Foundations
CHAPTER 3: Up and Down
CHAPTER 4: Mild Traumatic Brain Injury
CHAPTER 5: Gaston
CHAPTER 6: Turning Point
CHAPTER 7: Moving Forward
CHAPTER 8: Out of the Ashes
CHAPTER 9: New Beginning
CHAPTER 10: Welcome to the NFL
CHAPTER 11: Transitions
CHAPTER 12: A Super Year
CHAPTER 13: The Ultimate
CHAPTER 14: Not the Same
CHAPTER 15: Fresh Start
CHAPTER 16: Elleora
CHAPTER 17: The Final Blow
CHAPTER 18: What Now?
CHAPTER 19: Searching for Direction, Looking for Answers
CHAPTER 20: Back into the Jungle
CHAPTER 21: “Why Wasn’t I Invited?”
CHAPTER 22: Surrender
CHAPTER 23: At Long Last
CHAPTER 24: “You Will Always Be My Girls”
Acknowledgments
Photographs
About Ben Utecht and Mark Tabb
This story was written for my daughters:
Elleora—God is my light
Katriel—God is my crown
Amy Joan—Beloved gift from God
Haven—Place of safety and refuge
And dedicated first to:
My beautiful wife, Karyn; you are my rock and my hope.
And second, to:
All the family and friends who have filled my life full of memories.
PROLOGUE
I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS leaving my wife, Karyn, at home while I joined my church’s worship band for a Friday afternoon practice. Karyn’s OB-GYN told us that the baby could come at any moment. However, our first daughter came a week late, and we had no reason to expect our last daughter would be in any more of a hurry.
I walked into the church at 3:00 p.m. wondering if I had made the right decision by coming to practice. It wasn’t comforting that my good friend and lead worship pastor, Terry, greeted me sarcastically with “Your wife had better not go into labor tonight!”
“If I thought she was going to, I wouldn’t be here,” I replied with a laugh.
We got right down to business and started playing. I wanted to get home as quickly as I could. In spite of my bold statement to Terry, I couldn’t stop thinking Karyn might actually go into labor while I was playing a guitar. We worked through the first song several times until it felt right and then moved on to the next, a song called “I Surrender.” Terry asked me to sing the lead on the second song because the song has played a huge role in my life. I scrolled ahead to the beginning of the lyrics on my iPad as our keyboardist played the intro. The song is powerful, and the opening melody is almost haunting. I counted off the time in my head, breathed, and began singing, “Here I am, down on my knees again, Surrendering all, Surrendering all. . . .”
Before I could sing the next line a text message popped up on my iPad screen. “My water broke. Please come home immediately.” My heart rate jumped through the roof. All I could think was, You have got to be kidding me! My voice cracked. “Terry, you’re not going to believe this. . . . I gotta go, guys. Karyn’s water broke. We’re going to have a baby!”
Even though this was our third pregnancy and fourth child (thanks to a surprise set of identical twin girls), Karyn and I had never experienced the frantic race to the hospital. Doctors induced labor with our oldest, Elleora, and the twins were born via emergency C-section. When we found out Karyn was pregnant a third time, she was determined to experience a natural birth from beginning to end. A VBAC birth, that is, vaginal birth after cesarean, is risky, but since Karyn was a strong candidate to be successful, we decided to go for it.
I ran out of the church and jumped in my truck. The ten-minute drive to our house took me maybe eight minutes. I pulled into the driveway, ran through the front door, and immediately panicked as I found Karyn sitting in the bathroom in the middle of a contraction with amniotic fluid everywhere. I ran over to her and asked, “Are you okay? What can I do? How long do you think we have?” I don’t think I waited for any answers before running upstairs to our room and throwing clothes into a suitcase. Karyn had already packed her bag, but I had not. I knew she could go into labor at any time but I had it in my mind that we still had at least a week. After throwing a bunch of random things into my bag, I ran back downstairs and asked Karyn, “Are you ready?”
She was calm. “Yes, Ben. Slow down. We have time.”
I tried slowing down, but I couldn’t. I got her to the truck and took off for the hospital, which was about twenty-five minutes away. The drive never seemed long before, but now it felt like we had to drive across the country. I flew down our driveway and out onto the narrow road that leads to our house. I barely stopped at the stop sign, then turned onto the main road that leads to Interstate 35. All I could think about was getting to the hospital and keeping Karyn comfortable on the drive. “Do you want me to turn on some music?” I asked. “Is there anything I can do for you? What can I do to help?”
“Just get us there safely. I’m okay,” Karyn said. I kept asking the last question every couple of minutes.
Another contraction came right after we merged onto the interstate. This was no small contraction. Karyn reached over and grabbed my right hand and squeezed hard. She did the whole Lamaze breathing thing. The faster she breathed, the harder I pressed on the gas pedal. I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I was certain we were going to have the baby right there in the front seat of my truck.
Thankfully, we reached the hospital before the baby arrived. I pulled up to the emergency entrance, where an orderly came out with a wheelchair for Karyn. When I returned from parking the truck I expected to find her in a room about to give birth. Instead, I found her in a triage room where nurses were calmly and casually asking her all sorts of questions. “What are you doing?” I wanted to yell. “The baby is about to pop out!” But I held back, trying to be as patient as I could.
Within ten minutes, they determined Karyn was in active labor and wheeled her to a labor/delivery room. I anxiously followed her into the room and began trying to act like I knew what I was doing. The doctor came in and did the first examination. I was surprised she even had to. I thought the baby was about to jump right out. “It’s going to be a while,” she said. “You are only dilated to a four.” That is four on a scale of ten.
My first reaction was “What? Is that it?” But then I settled down and realized we were in for the long haul. Our doula, Nyki, arrived about fifteen minutes after we did. She continuously massaged Karyn’s back and helped her find new positions as Karyn tried desperately to find comfort. The continuous onslaught of contractions transformed me into Hall of Fame Lamaze coach mode. “Breathe, honey, just breathe,” I said as calmly as I could. I did the breathing with her on a lot of the contractions. After several hours of labor, Karyn looked at me and said, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You don’t have to do this all natural. Do you want something for the pain?” I asked. I hated to see my wife suffer.
“No, I want to do this. I can do this,” she said, her mind resolved. That was the tough, strong athl
ete I fell in love with.
Five hours after we arrived at the hospital the doctor finally told Karyn it was time to push. When she pushed she let out a scream like nothing I had ever heard in my life. It sounded like something out of a horror movie. Then she let out another one. I was sure the whole hospital heard it. People had to wonder what was going on in our room. One more push and scream did it. My baby girl’s head appeared, all covered in dark hair like mine. What a beautiful sight.
However, the moment of joy turned into panic. The doctor immediately noticed something was wrong. I moved back out of the way as the doctor desperately tried to unwrap the umbilical cord from around my baby’s neck, but without success. Finally, she pulled my baby girl out by her head and unwrapped the cord as she slid on out. The doctor held my baby and I held my breath, waiting for my little girl to make a sound, but nothing came out. Then, all at once, my baby girl let out the most beautiful little cry. “Dad, would you like to cut the cord?” the doctor asked, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
“Of course,” I replied.
Once the cord was cut, a nurse quickly wiped off my daughter, then handed her to Karyn for some skin-to-skin time. “You worked hard for that baby,” the nurse said. “You hold her as long as you want.”
I leaned down to Karyn. We both had tears in our eyes. “You did it,” I said. “I am so proud of you.” I stroked Karyn’s hair, then softly stroked my baby’s back. “Welcome, Haven,” I said to my fourth daughter. “Do you know how much I love you?” After going back and forth between two or three names we had finally decided on Haven because this was our prayer for her, that she would be someone who provides peace and rest.
After thirty minutes, the nurse came over and took Haven. I went out into the hallway and found my parents while the nurse weighed Haven and measured her and did all the things nurses have to do for babies when they first enter the world. Karyn’s parents had also just arrived. I ushered them all into the room for their first look at their newest grandbaby. The four of them crowded around her, joy overflowing. I stood back and breathed it all in.
Finally, the nurse wrapped my baby tight in a blanket and placed her in my arms. She looked so tiny, her little seven-and-a-half-pound, twenty-two-inch-long body in my huge hands and arms. I cradled her close to my body and looked down at her face, in awe of how perfect she was. Staring into my little girl’s eyes, the finality of the moment hit me. Karyn and I had already decided that Haven was to be the last of our children, at least via birth. We might adopt someday, but this was the last time I was ever going to get to rush my wife to the hospital and the last time I was going to get to coach her through childbirth and the last time I would hold my daughter in my arms for the very first time.
The last time. This is it. There is not going to be a son. Ever, I thought. This may very well be the end of the Utecht name in my immediate family. I was my mother and father’s only son, and now, with my fourth daughter, no one was going to carry the name along. And then another thought hit me, one that I hated, but it came anyway. Is the same thing going to happen to my mind as to my name? Is my mind also going to slip away and be gone forever? I held on to Haven just a little tighter. I stared into her eyes almost in desperation. I wanted to hold on to this moment and never let it go.
“Oh God,” I pleaded, “please don’t let this memory be taken away from me. Please don’t let me forget this moment like I have so many others. Please, God. Please.”
CHAPTER 1
WHERE IT ALL BEGAN
MY HEART POUNDED IN MY ears. Adrenaline pumped, mixing with excitement and nerves. I jumped up and down in place trying to shake the butterflies out of my stomach. It didn’t work. I could hear my teammate Adam Vinatieri’s advice from the week before ringing in my ears. “Keep calm. Focus. And don’t you dare blink at kickoff.” The guy already had three championship rings and kicked the Super Bowl–winning field goal as time expired not once but twice, so I knew I needed to listen to him. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help but get caught up in the moment as I stood in the tunnel leading out onto the field, waiting to run out for Super Bowl XLI, the ultimate game I’d dreamed about my entire life.
The week leading up to the game felt surreal. The team flew down to Miami for the game the previous Sunday. On Monday we spent a couple of hours out on the Sun Life Stadium field for media day, which is more like a media circus. I remember standing out there, talking to my buddy Bryan Fletcher, when all of the sudden a horn sounded and people came pouring out of the stadium gates like ants and descended on us. Besides reporters from the usual media outlets like ESPN and Sports Illustrated, there were people there from every publication and website on earth, most of which had nothing to do with football or sports. Some of the “reporters” came dressed in outrageous costumes. It was nuts.
And then the real craziness began.
During Super Bowl week we practiced at the Miami Dolphins’ training facility. Whenever we traveled from the team hotel to the practice facility, Florida state troopers shut down the highway for our team buses. Cars had to pull over on the shoulder while police cars also blocked entrance ramps. Our buses drove down the middle of the five-lane highway like we owned the road. We weren’t a football team. We were royalty. The royal treatment carried over to the practice field. Celebrities crowded around the field to watch us. Sometimes it was hard to concentrate on what we were there for, especially when Hall of Fame tight end Shannon Sharpe watched whether or not I caught the pass just thrown to me. He was the gold standard for tight ends, which is what I played on offense.
After another royal ride down the freeway we returned to our hotel rooms, where we all found gift bags with the Super Bowl logo on the outside, bags loaded down with new iPods and clothes and hats and all sorts of cool memorabilia. The week felt more like a really nice vacation instead of the buildup to a championship game.
In spite of the distractions, we had a great week of practice. The team felt really confident going into the game against the Chicago Bears. Just to get to the Super Bowl we had to beat the team that had won three of the previous five championships, and to do that we put together the biggest comeback in AFC Championship history. Every Colts player knew that if we played in the Super Bowl like we did in the second half of the AFC Championship, we had a good chance of becoming world champions.
I, too, felt confident when Super Bowl Sunday finally rolled around. I’d had a couple of nagging injuries I had to deal with toward the end of the season, but having two weeks between the AFC Championship Game and the Super Bowl gave me time to heal.
On the day of the game I woke up early, since I couldn’t really sleep anyway, and looked out the window to see a dark, overcast sky. It rained off and on most of the day. Never before had weather affected the Super Bowl, but the forecast said this was going to be the first. I didn’t really care. We’d played in worse conditions and won. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat through one meeting with the tight ends and another with the offensive linemen. After that I had nothing to do but sit around and watch movies and stare at the clock. Finally, around 2:00 p.m. I climbed on the team bus for the ride to the stadium. Of course, we had another police escort down a blocked-off freeway.
I thought I was keyed up as I got dressed in the locker room, but nothing compared to what I felt standing in the tunnel waiting to go out onto the field for the first time. The game wasn’t due to start for at least an hour, but the stadium was already starting to fill. Music blared in the stadium and blasted through the tunnel where I stood with our punter, Hunter Smith; kicker Adam Vinatieri; and our starting long snapper, Justin Snow. I backed up Justin. The four of us were going to go out on the field to warm up. Justin and I just looked at each other with smiles filled with joy and anxiousness. “Can you believe we’re here?” I asked.
“I know, it’s crazy,” Justin replied.
Finally a stadium attendant looked up from a clipboard and said, “Okay, you’re set. Go.” Hunter, A
dam, Justin, and I all huddled close, gave the traditional embrace, then turned to go.
I trotted down the tunnel toward the field. The sound of cleats on the concrete ramp echoed all around me. I had just cleared the tunnel and put one foot on the turf when I heard one voice ring out over all the rest of the stadium noise. “Ben! Ben!”
I looked back over my shoulder and spotted my dad in his Colts rain jacket and ball cap leaning onto the railing just above the tunnel. He had a big smile on his face. “Benjamin!” he yelled again, waving his hand down toward me. I didn’t know how he was able to work his way through the crowd over to this spot. He and my mom and the rest of our family had seats on the other side of the field. “Ben, up here!” he said again.
I raised my hand to acknowledge I’d heard him, and to get him to stop calling my name. Then I sort of flicked my hand with a dismissive wave like I was trying to shoo off a pesky fly. All I could think was, Not now, Dad. Don’t you see I’m working? Don’t you understand I am about to go out on the field for the biggest game of my life on the biggest stage in the world?! After waving my dad off, I turned back toward the field and started to run out onto the turf.
But a voice in my head stopped me in my tracks. From deep inside I heard my father calling to me, not in the stadium, but in my backyard.
• • •
My mind took me back to a day when I felt the same mix of adrenaline, nerves, and excitement as I walked out on the freshly cut grass, my brand-new cleats laced up tight. “Ready, Ben?” my dad asked then. I nodded my head, bent over, and planted my hand in the turf as I got in a three-point stance. Tiny beads of sweat gathered on my brow; my legs shook in anticipation. I was like a spring, wound up tight, just waiting to go off. Suddenly the football moved. “Now,” my dad said. I took off like a bullet. Legs churning, head down, I lowered my shoulders, closed my eyes, and lunged with all my might into the man with the football. I landed right in the middle of my dad’s chest. He fell backward from his knees and wrapped his arms around my four-year-old body. “Good job, Ben,” he said as he lifted me up, a huge grin on his face. “Want to try it again?”