Jessica looked up, her smile replaced by an expression of mock surprise. "I came after you?"
"You know you did. And as for why I am here, it bugs the hell out of me when people disappear. People I care about." He returned to his slouch, sliding his hips forward and leaning back in the chair. The ball was clearly in her court now.
"I didn’t disappear. Rox knew I was leaving."
"You didn’t tell anyone, including the great all-knowing Roxanne, where you were going. I call that disappearing."
"Maybe I didn’t want anyone knowing."
"Well, that was clear. But unfair."
"It’s my life."
Dane pressed his lips tightly together for a moment, then exhaled a deep sigh. "Okay. It’s yours."
Jessica shuddered a little as the wind kicked up outside, causing the kitchen window glass to rattle. "Do you mind if we go in near the fire?"
They moved to sit before the fireplace, and Dane added a large log onto the dying flames. Soon, it was blazing. Jessica pushed the heavy rocker away and spread a thick comforter on the floor.
"Dane, I’m sorry if I sounded upset. I can’t believe you drove yourself all the way up here looking for me. It was really a sweet thing to do." She avoided his eyes while trying to back-pedal. "I… I was coming unglued down there. I don’t expect you to understand. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, was going right for me. The only thing I could think of was just getting away. I knew if I told anybody what I was going through, they’d try to get me into therapy or something. And I don’t want that. I’m not off-balance, just confused. And hurting." She stole a quick peek at his reaction, surprised to see not a contrary manner but a sympathetic one.
"Go on," he said softly.
Bravely, she continued. "After Mac… after the crash, I was bad, but I hung on. I really thought I was going to be okay. But then, around the time that Charlene… Charlene died, I started screwing up. I didn’t even go to her funeral…" she paused, pressing her fingertips to her lips briefly before continuing. "I didn’t go and I felt horrible. Mac would have been so, so disappointed in me! And then that stupid trip to Hawaii, Jesus! What was I thinking? That I could just go on, that I could be normal again, going out with a man I knew nothing about?"
"Jess…"
"Then the fiasco with the film… I thought if I could make that damned film, could prove myself, that I could make him proud of me somehow… but how can I make him proud, now? He’s… he’s dead! He’s dead."
"Sweetie, stop this."
"My son is hurting so bad, and I can’t help him either. How can I fix him when I can’t even fix myself? Such a sweet little boy, never did anything bad in his whole short life, and he has to suffer because his father was murdered and his mother is a--a--a psycho." She leaned her face into her hands, the tears leaking between her fingers and running down them.
Only a little hesitant, Dane reached forward and took her into his arms. "Jessie, baby, it’s okay. It’s going to get better. A whole lot better."
"Oh Dane, you don’t understand. My entire life is falling apart. Just when I think it’s going to be all right, something else happens."
Gently he rocked her, not unlike the afternoon of Mac’s funeral when they had grieved together. "I think you did the right thing. Maybe being up here, away from all that, you can sort things out. You can be strong again."
She pulled back, looking at him through swollen eyes. "I’m sorry," she whispered. "I didn’t mean to lay all that on you. You’ve been a good friend through all this."
"Not good enough," he responded, stroking her hair away from her face. "Not nearly."
Thirteen
All Things Connected
He woke with a stiff neck. The couch was a lot prettier than it was comfortable. Still, he was in the small house on the cliff with Jessica. He would have hung himself on a nail to be with her.
She was still asleep, or at least had not emerged from her bedroom. The creak of an opening door made Dane open his eyes to a small blond boy tiptoeing across the rug toward him.
"Uncle Dane?"
"Hey, Sport." With a slight groan, Dane forced himself into a sitting position and held open his arms. Devon climbed easily onto his lap for a hug.
"When did you get here?"
"Last night, after you went to sleep. I surprised Mommy."
"Did you bring her a present?"
"Not that kind of surprise."
"Did you bring me a present?"
"Check this out." Dane reached to the end of the couch where his jacket was draped over the arm. He dug around inside the pocket, finally dragging out a small trinket. It was a key chain, with a tiny viewer dangling from it. Devon immediately held it up to the light.
"It’s lighthouse! Cool, wait ‘til Mom sees it! Thanks, Uncle Dane."
"No problem. Hey, should we make breakfast for Mommy?"
"Sure. I can cook good."
In the kitchen, Dane watched with amusement as Devon carefully pulled a carton of eggs out of the refrigerator and slid it onto the counter.
"We like scramblers," he asserted, pulling a wire whisk out of a drawer and handing it to Dane.
"I thought you were the good cook," Dane said, looking at the whisk as though it was a scalpel.
"I can do the toast," Devon said proudly, now retrieving the bread from a drawer next to the pantry cabinet. "You do the eggs. And Mom likes pepper."
Suddenly a look of distress crossed the small boy’s face and he turned his back to Dane. Dane narrowed his eyes, wondering what had caused the sudden about-face. Devon’s hand was now nested between his legs.
"Hey, Champ, before we get started, I need to go…" Dane dredged up the words he’d used with Alexander several years before. He lowered his voice conspiratorially, leaning down closer to Devon’s ear. "I need to take a whiz. How ‘bout you?"
The child spun around, his eyes wide with surprise and interest.
"Yeah," he said, his little fingers now obviously clutching his penis.
"Come on." Dane lifted Devon and carried him into the bathroom. "You know, sometimes I have to go so bad, I almost don’t make it to the bathroom. I get busy, and I forget to go."
"Yeah. Me too!"
~ * ~
The eggs were only a little rubbery, the toast only a little burned. Jessica was touched at their efforts, and smiled while washing down her breakfast with strong coffee.
"You don’t skimp on the grounds, do you?" she asked, peering into the darkness of her cup. Even with a healthy dose of milk, the coffee could have cleaned out the L.A. sewage system.
"I don’t make wimpy joe, if that’s what you’re talking about."
Jessica held the mug to her lips, relishing the hot steam that warmed her face. She watched Dane as he moved about the kitchen, cleaning up the breakfast debris much the way Mac used to do. It intrigued her, for she had never known Dane to be particularly neat. Even his appearance was more carefully attuned. His clean, white knit golf shirt was tucked into his jeans, and she imagined his stomach to be washboard-hard beneath it. The short sleeves, despite the cold weather, showed off his newly muscled forearms.
He caught her looking and she quickly turned her attention to Devon. "Hey you, time to get dressed. I think we need to take Uncle Dane on a big explore today."
They walked through the small fishing town of Newburg, stopping to peruse the souvenir shops for the usual seaside memorabilia. For lunch, Dane treated them to subs from the Dilly Deli. Devon’s improved demeanor encouraged Jessica as she watched his animated, giggly conversations with Dane throughout the day.
The last stop was the local market, where Jessica picked out lobsters and fresh vegetables for dinner.
Back at Point Surrender, Devon retreated to his room for some much needed down time. It was only moments before Jessica and Dane heard the bleeps and blips of the latest Mario video game.
"He’s only allowed an hour," Jessica said, collapsing on the couch after putting away the groceries. "Hi
s dad’s rule."
Dane nodded. "I thought of the Mario Brothers as surrogate parents for Alex when he was that age. It was a tough time." He kicked off his shoes and sat opposite her on the couch with his knees up. "Stays pretty chilly in here, doesn’t it?"
"For me, yes. Brian’s used to it. He lived here for a couple of years."
"Where did you meet him?"
"I went to college with his sister, Amy. Amy and I dated the same guy for awhile, when Wes and I were on the outs. God. Glad those days are over."
"See? Things are looking better already."
Jessica smiled, suppressing a yawn. They had chatted well into the wee hours of the night before, mostly about trivial, unimportant matters while Dane talked her down from her anxiety attack. He had remained calm, nurturing, caring.
"Tired?" he asked.
"A little." She grabbed the comforter Dane had folded over the back of the couch and threw one end to him, now pulling her own legs up also. She pulled the comforter up to her chin. "I, um, really enjoyed our talk last night."
Dane covered his own legs and adjusted a pillow behind his neck. "Me too. I’m glad you didn’t throw me out."
"Of course I should have," she joked, watching his expression with interest. After a few moments of silence, she ventured some new thoughts.
"I’m thinking about selling the house."
"Oh? And moving where? I assume you have the means to do anything you want, whether you sell or not."
"Oh, yes," she answered, nodding in demonstration. "We’re pretty well set. I guess I’ll probably buy something else, another house." Relieved that he had not asked about her motivation, Jessica smiled.
Dane gave her a quizzical look. "I have an idea."
"Okay?"
"Before you do anything, come up to the ranch. You and Dev, come stay with us for a month or two. The weather will be warming up soon… it’s incredibly relaxing. Don’t make any big decisions for awhile."
Jessica tilted her head, her eyes searching Dane’s face for his motivation. If there was an ulterior motive, it was well hidden.
"I’ll think about it," she offered softly. "It sounds like a nice idea… only I worry about that Carvey woman."
"What about her?"
"She’s keeping a dossier on my every move. She’s already compiled a list of all the men I’ve kept company with since Mac died. I’m a regular trollop in her book."
"What?"
"Oh, it’s true. Kyle, Robin--go figure that one!--even you. She is trying to make me look promiscuous."
Dane’s eyes twinkled in merriment. "Well, aren’t you?"
She kicked him under the blanket.
"Ouch!" Dane grasped both of her ankles and stretched her legs out, pulling her feet into his lap. "That’s nothing compared to the dossier I have on you."
"Very funny. I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve had sex with in my entire life. Less than one hand. And none of them have been in the last nine months."
Dane’s eyebrows lifted slightly. "Well that’s certainly not fair. If you’re going to have to suffer that kind of reputation, you might as well be having fun," he said with a grin.
"True," she agreed in jest.
"Getting a little horny, are you?"
Jessica could not stop the rosy heat that spread across her face, or the outraged smile that came to her lips. Had anyone else, anyone but Dane uttered such a comment, she would have slapped them hard.
No, only Dane could get away with talking to her libido, and he knew as much. Even now, he was taking the liberty of massaging her feet through her heavy white socks. It felt too good to be mad.
"Just think about it. We’ll find a way to get around that old prude."
Jessica nodded and involuntarily closed her eyes. His experienced hands moved up to her calves, kneading, smoothing, working the muscles into complete relaxation. For the first time in weeks, she drifted off the sleep without her heart aching.
~ * ~
Dane fastened all of the snaps on his jacket as he walked along the sand. Another sunset, a completely different day. Yesterday at this time he was anxiety ridden, searching for a missing woman and her little boy. Searching for a part of his soul.
Now, the woman had been found. His soul was still incomplete, but he was feeling better than he had in months. She had confided in him, poured out her fears and her nightmares to him. To him. It was more than he had dared hope for. And she was considering a stay at the ranch.
Denehy’s threat seemed far away, now. Maybe he wouldn’t open that particular can of worms right now. Surely Jessica would never believe the implied accusation that he was guilty anyway.
The icy wind coming off the sea dragged his hair away from his face. He squinted at the expanse of beach that lay ahead, thinking about how many others had traversed the coast, and about how the waves crashing alongside him were a part of the same ocean that crashed behind his own house in Malibu.
All things connected. He and Jessica were connected, there was no doubt in his mind. And yet, he was afraid of those thoughts, those thoughts of their being together in some form of committed relationship. Even if he could get her to see and acknowledge the connection, what sort of future could they have?
He slowed his pace, pausing to study the sea.
Oh, he glimpsed, now and again, a bright and sunny time, with their boys romping together on the grassy pavilion behind the ranch house, and Jessica reigning over the house like the royalty she surely was. A princess. His princess.
But the vision was cloudy, masked by doubts and old harbingers of doom. It was the same old quandary, the uncertainty of where his limits lay.
It was the promise.
~ * ~
She was busy in the kitchen when he returned, preparing to cook the lobster. She wrinkled her nose when he came in the kitchen door, dangling a lobster by its tail corner over a large pot.
"I’ve never done this before," she explained.
"We can learn together."
They didn’t talk much while cooking the dinner, and only sparsely during the meal. Devon chattered more than usual, directing most of his conversation to Dane.
"Mommy took a nap today," he was saying.
"I know. She talked herself to sleep."
"I was just up too late," Jessica said, exchanging smiles with Dane. "Feel good now, though."
"I didn’t take a nap. I’m too big now for naps," Devon said.
"Me too," Dane agreed. "Girls get tired though. It’s all that talking they do. Wears ‘em out."
"Yup." Devon nodded, stuffing a forkful of cooked carrots into his mouth.
Devon was asleep by 7:30, and Dane broke open the bottle of Chardonnay he’d purchased in town.
"I’d love a glass," Jessica responded to his offer. "I really don’t like champagne, but I didn’t have the heart to tell Brian. He was so sweet to drive up from the city and get everything ready for us. Especially with Judy about to have twins."
"Ah. Judy, his wife."
"Of course." Jessica took a sip of the wine, and resumed her position on the floor before the fire.
"Well, here we are again," Dane observed, holding up his glass to clink it against hers. "I did some thinking while I walked today."
"That’s dangerous."
"I know. I feel bad about what that woman is doing to you. I wish we could blow her off somehow."
"I do too, but unfortunately, she holds all the cards. Without her I don’t think I have an iota of a chance to get Chet."
"And I know how important he is to you."
Jessica looked up. "You really do, don’t you?"
"Sure."
"Rox thinks I’m crazy. She thinks it’s a bad idea, that I’m only trying to replace the baby Mac and I might have had."
"Are you?"
"Of course not."
"Okay. Then I see we have two options. You wanna hear them?"
Jessica nodded, now intrigued. He was ready to champion her efforts! She w
anted to hug him.
"One route is to repair your, uh, damaged reputation. Get a little PR campaign going, paint you whiter than lilies at Easter and challenge this bitch to find a hair out of place. We can do it."
"Okay, how?"
"The first thing would be to stop associating with me. We already know she is less than enamored with me, and you might just publicly denounce my, uh, lifestyle somehow."
"Are you crazy?" Jessica put her glass down, concern creasing her features.
"Not at all. Next, you be seen taking up with some respectable people. Get involved in some ‘causes’. Visit the President or something."
"Wait a minute. Back up, buddy. Publicly denounce you?"
"Yeah. I’m a bad influence, you know. You need moral role models for your sons."
Incredulous, Jessica began shaking her head. "You listen to me, Dane Pierce. You may not know this, but there is no other man alive I’d rather be an influence to my son, or sons as the case may be. Denounce you? You have been the best friend, the truest person through all of the crap I’ve had to go through--"
She got to her feet and paced to the front window, staring out at the darkness. Quietly, Dane also stood and approached her. Her voice was shaky when she continued.
"I need you in my life, you big jerk. Even if I did try to appear… negative toward you, I’d never be able to pull it off. Never. So think of something else."
He was standing close behind her now, and he grasped her upper arms gently, leaning his chin over her shoulder. "There’s always plan two," he said softly, his words sending shivers down her neck.
"Whatever it is, it’s got to be better than losing you."
Slowly, carefully, Dane slid his hands down her arms until they reached her wrists, which he took and crossed around her midriff in a gentle embrace. He cleared his throat and Jessica could feel his lips close to her ear.
"We could really blow everybody away and get married."
Jessica whirled around to face him, dislodging his arms from around her and giving him a playful push.
"Now you really are sounding crazy," she told him with a laugh.
Dane’s face broke into a cheery grin. "Yeah, crazy," he repeated. "But it would take care of two problems. One, if you marry the offensive scoundrel, you become an honest woman, and two, you have a father for the baby."
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