"I'm surprised she didn't get you on Blue."
"She tried. I resisted," Clarissa said, and then she focused her eyes on Mack and her pony, told herself not to look at him because what she was feeling was too confusing.
It ended up not mattering too much since Jed turned to his dad to talk about the minimal problems they'd found. Fortunately, they'd moved the trees out before the tornado. Insurance would hopefully take care of any losses.
His words made the gulf between their worlds that much more obvious. The Dillons were wealthy, they were a family that took care of one another, they were people who worked the land. Clarissa didn’t know anything about that kind of life.
"You going to be ready to head back to town soon?" Jed’s question interrupted her thoughts.
Clarissa wasn't sure she was ready to face the loss, to see how bad things were. Seeing it might make the decision she teetered back and forth on very real.
"I guess I don't have a lot of options."
"You're welcome to stay here with us as long as you need to," Jed's father said, and Clarissa smiled at his kindness, surprised by the sincerity of his words.
"Can I go, Daddy? Pretty please. My hair bow's still in, and I'm not too dirty." Mackenzie pulled the horse to a stop in front of them.
"Not today, Champ. It's too dangerous in town.”
Mack scowled, but she didn’t argue. Instead, she turned to Clarissa and spoke with the innocence of a five-year-old. “I’m gonna pick you some flowers, Clarissa. You’re my bestest friend, and I love you.”
Clarissa didn’t say I love you back, even though she was tempted.
It was terrible. For some reason, Clarissa had thought having so little would make finding its utter destruction easier. She was wrong. Standing in the middle of torn lumber, she searched for small items. All she could find was her toothbrush, which was just so strange.
"It's all gone." Clarissa said the words while standing in a pile of rubble, torn clothes and the broken light that had graced her living room. Even her beat up alarm clock was gone. She'd lost everything.
"I'm real sorry, Miss Dye," the sheriff walked up and patted her lightly on the shoulder. "The FEMA people will be here to help out tomorrow. If you need a place to stay, the church has set up shelter, and the Angel Food Ministry is working with the food bank in Shawnee to help out."
She wanted to reply, to say it was going to be all right, but she couldn't seem to make her voice work. And then she found a torn corner of paper with Mack’s name on it. The Lemmalu picture.
She picked it up, inexplicably smoothing it like doing so would make everything better. And then she started crying big, silent tears of regret and loss and desperation.
"She's going to be staying out with us on the Triple Eight," Jed said, touching her shoulder to give her comfort. But she couldn’t accept that from him. She stepped away, thought about telling him he was wrong. Stearns, Oklahoma might've felt like a stopping place, but it wasn't. And this time, whatever fate controlled the universe had made sure she knew that truth.
Pete stepped up then, a little hitch in his walk. He'd been working for hours on the cleanup, and it was evident in the tired lines on his face. But there was something else. Something that didn't make a whole lot of sense.
Hope.
"Darkest nights bring brightest mornings," Pete said when he saw her tears. And all she could think in answer to that was she sure should be seeing some amazing mornings in the near future.
Around her people from all over town were helping the cleanup at Pete's. The man with the small children whose wife was in the Shawnee hospital saw her and walked to her side.
"I can't thank you enough for helping last night," he said.
He had a reason to cry. But he wasn’t. He was here, helping her and Pete and everyone else on the square. Clarissa brushed away her tears as she shrugged off his thanks, feeling embarrassed. "It was nothing."
"Nothing?” Jed wouldn’t let her words stand. “I heard all about that nothing. You worked for hours at the church helping others even though you'd lost everything. That's sacrifice, and it's mighty amazing sacrifice at that."
The warmth of recognition, of being told she’d done a good thing, soothed her aching soul. Clarissa stood in the midst of life destruction on more than one level, and yet, these people saw her as someone worthy of praise. It had been a long time since she’d seen appreciation or approval. It had been a long time since she’d felt worthy.
A warm gust of wind blew, and Clarissa saw something fluttering where it was stuck under a piece of splintered wood.
She reached down, grabbed its edge and started to tug, surprised anything had made it through this mangled mess.
When she shifted the wood slightly, she gasped. The one thing she wanted, and it was in pristine condition. The only photo she had of her grandmother.
She picked it up and held it to her chest, and as she did she heard her Gran's soft, sure voice. Fate's fickle, God's eternal. You'll be okay, baby girl. You'll be okay.
If only she could believe. One way or the other she was starting over. Maybe the tornado hadn’t been a sign to leave. Maybe it had simply wiped her slate clean.
Back at the Triple Eight, Susie Dillon took a tray of cookies out of the oven and acknowledged that her husband was right. Jed was more than a little interested in Clarissa Dye.
And Paul was right about something else. The wariness in Clarissa's eyes came about from something dark and troublesome.
"She' s hurting, she doesn't trust and she's not sure about sticking around here, you can tell that," she said.
"I imagine she's a lot like the barn kittens. Scared to death to get close to anyone," Paul agreed, his blue eyes sad and sure. Susie remembered those eyes back when they were bloodshot and unfocused morning after morning. When they were hiding truths. When they were bitter and angry, and she felt alone against the world with a gift of a baby boy and a ranch to take care of.
But she hadn't been alone. God was always there.
"Don't you think maybe God sent her to us so we can show her love?" Susie couldn't help but wonder.
"I know God's in our driver's seat, Susie, but if it comes down to this girl or Jed and Mack, we can't let her hurt them."
Susie didn't say anything to that because of course they wouldn't let Clarissa come before their child and granddaughter.
Paul wasn't done.
"Of course, I thank God every day you didn't turn your back on me when I was hurting you and Jed."
Susie reached out and brushed a hand down his cheek, loving the feel of the tough skin, weathered with age and time and elements and life. "You're my heart. I love you. God got us through, and He's used that time over and over to help impact other's lives. We'll just have to believe and trust and obey."
Paul leaned forward and kissed her forehead, then pulled her close. "You've always been as smart as they come, Susie Dillon."
She laughed and leaned into him. "You've always been the love of my life."
The screen door slammed and Mack ran into the room, bringing all her energy and light and laughter. Only this time she also brought news.
"Gran, Gramps, the sheriff's coming, the sheriff's coming."
Chapter Six
People were nice. Remarkably nice. That's all Clarissa could think as they left the Shawnee hospital where they'd dropped off the family from the church. All day the people of Stearns had stopped by Pete's to see what they could do, and all day Pete had poured cup after cup of coffee. The Red Cross and FEMA were on site. The National Guard was there to help. But the biggest help had been the people she saw day to day at the diner.
She and Jed had gone with Lester Pyle to visit Mrs. Norene Albright at the Shawnee hospital. Clarissa teared up a little thinking about the two lonely souls. Lester was obviously in love with Mrs. Norene. Mr. Albright had “gone to meet his maker when he’d had a heart attack jumping into a cold pool on a hot summer day more than twenty-five years ago.” Mrs. No
rene told that story on a regular basis, but since Clarissa had been working at Pete’s she’d never seen the woman give Lester any reason to think he had a chance.
Today though, before they left the hospital, Clarissa thought maybe she’d seen a spark of something between the two. She hoped Lester got his happy ending.
Being around the Dillons was changing her, making her soft. Not exactly what she needed.
Now Clarissa was tired, and, strangely, she was happy. She wasn't exactly sure, but she thought the lightness in her heart might actually be contentment.
"You want to stop and eat?" Jed asked, and she almost laughed because right now, in the midst of mass chaos, this felt so normal. Normal was a fairy tale of sorts, and she was living it.
Part of her brain screamed to stop, to get away now. But she pushed that away, decided to enjoy the moment. Reality would smack her around plenty soon, but for now, she could pretend.
A few minutes into lunch, Clarissa knew she’d made a mistake.
She needed to tell Jed the truth. He wasn't her kind of people. He wasn't her kind of anything. Not that she'd lied to him. But sometimes silence was the biggest lie of all.
She put down her tea, took a deep breath and told herself this was for the best.
"You know I've been thinking," Jed said before she could speak, and silently she groaned.
"Yeah, me too."
He put his burger down and indicated for her to go first.
She couldn't do it.
"You go ahead. Mine can definitely wait."
He gave her a long questioning look before continuing.
"You were really good with the kids today. You get them. You understand kid stuff, make them laugh, don't get frustrated when they're running around like chickens with their heads cut off."
She laughed at the wonder in his voice.
"They're not aliens. They're people only little. And their world shifted yesterday. They need to be able to express themselves."
"See, that's what I'm saying. You laugh with them and hug them, and if they need reproof, you gently steer them in a new direction. When that one little boy went running into the pile of debris near Pete’s, you didn't yell at him, you asked him to come over and play Red Rover. You have a gift."
His words warmed her, made her hurt so bad she almost couldn't breathe. But she couldn't tell him that. Instead she tried to tease. "So what you're saying is I'm childish?"
He surprised her by agreeing. "Maybe there is some of that. When you're with them it's like you miss being a kid."
She bit her tongue to keep from saying I Never Got The Chance. It hurt so bad. How had he seen that in her? His astuteness scared her.
She didn't say any of that.
"I definitely don't miss being a kid. Not one little bit." She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice even though she’d thought she was over the darkness of the past. "Sorry, I don't know where that came from. I just..." she trailed off and then sent the conversation back to him, praying he wouldn't go all deep, prying, talk show host on her.
"Sooooo, you see all these great qualities in me and...."
He studied her face for a long time before answering.
"And that makes me wonder if you'd be willing to help out long-term with the kids at the church while it's being used as a shelter."
Maybe he saw her objections, or maybe, like his mother, he just liked to get his way, but he kept talking, offering reasons why she couldn't say no.
"You can't work at Pete's now. No telling when he'll open up again, and if you stick around the ranch every day, you'll be interrogated by my mom eventually, and I'm going to bring Mack into town tomorrow so she can do her part."
"Her part?" The town was dangerous and devastated, and people's whole lives were lost. Was he crazy? "She's five. What can she do?"
He didn't seem a bit concerned, just ate a fry and kept talking like it was no big deal.
"She can be Mack. Have fun, play, pray with kids, just be herself. Those kids we saw in town today need someone other than the prettiest waitress in Stearns playing with them."
Color suffused her cheeks at his compliment. She was ridiculous. Like a stupid kid. Why did Jed Dillon have to be so nice?
"So back to what I was thinking," he said, not even realizing there was an awkward pause. “You’d be great with the kids, and I think the parents would really appreciate it.”
Yeah. Until Joan Anderson got ahold of them.
Clarissa pushed away the thought because as she listened to Jed speak, she realized she wanted to follow his suggestion. She couldn’t believe how badly she wanted to become part of Stearns and the people who lived there. To put down roots for a change instead of tumbling through life headlong. Especially now.
But... “I don’t know, Jed. I didn’t have much, but what I did have was in that apartment.”
“This is your chance to depend on others for a change,” he said. “I get the impression you haven’t done that often.”
Her heart fell to her toes. How did he know her biggest fears? Ridiculous. “You don’t really know me,” she said because she wanted to get him to back off. Way, way off.
But he didn’t see her words as rebuff.
“You’re right. I don’t know you, but you’re pretty much an open book on that one.”
No possible way. Not ever again. “Look, you’re a nice guy.”
He laughed. “I get that a lot, but not usually in this situation.”
She blew out a long breath and tried to change the subject.
“You know, I thought you were all dark and dreary and demanding. I didn’t think you even knew how to have fun. But you’re different today.”
A dark spark flitted across his eyes at her words, and she almost regretted them.
“I’m none of those things,” he said. “I just see that you could be good for Stearns, and I thought maybe you’d want the chance to see if the city could be good for you.”
With that he dug a twenty out of his wallet and tossed it on the table, obviously offended, which was just so wrong.
“So you get to dig into my psyche, but I can’t say what I thought about you until today without you getting upset? Come on, Jed. Lighten up a little.”
That could be her theme song for him. She sighed, switched the salt and sugar holders around on the table, went against everything her head was screaming and sided with the part of her that desperately wanted to belong.
“Okay. Fine. I’ll work with the kids. A little. No more than a week. I need to make plans, get my life settled. But if anything goes wrong, I’m reminding you that this was your idea.”
Later that day Jed turned up the drive to the Triple Eight and narrowed his eyes at the sight of the sheriff’s car sitting in his drive. From the road he could make out his momma, his daddy, the sheriff, and someone else. He didn’t see Mack.
Alarm hit hard.
“What in the world?” He said the words at the same time he noticed Clarissa stiffening beside him. Strange.
He hit the gas, kicking up gravel and dust, which made it harder to take in what exactly was going on up at the house.
A million questions ricocheted through his mind. Was it something to do with Mack, with the ranch, with Bev? He said a quiet prayer, asked God to please not let it be Mack. Anything else he could handle.
He pulled the truck behind the sheriff’s car and let out a breath of relief when he saw Mack in the kitchen doorway.
Clarissa sat in the truck, not budging, just staring at the stranger standing between his father and the sheriff.
“You okay?”
She shook her head, bit her lip, and he felt the anger coming off her in waves.
“You stay here. Let me see what’s going on.”
He jumped out of the truck, stalked up to the small group.
“Everything okay, sheriff?” he asked.
“Sorry about this, Jed, I was just explaining to your parents. The National Guard has orders to keep everyo
ne out of Stearns except citizens and those with press credentials. I got a call from them about someone insisting she be let into town and thought maybe your guest could help us out a little here.”
The someone must be the bleach blonde stranger. Middle aged. Clothes a couple sizes too big for her tiny frame. Cheek bones too pronounced. Something about her looked familiar, but he couldn’t quite figure out why.
He turned back to the truck to tell Clarissa the sheriff needed to talk to her, but she’d already opened the door and jumped out. Walking past him she moved until she was standing between him and the stranger like she was intent on protecting him.
And then Clarissa shocked them all.
“What are you doing here, Momma?”
Dread warred with curiosity as Clarissa looked at her mother for the first time in three years. She looked worse than last time. Skinnier. Harder. Clarissa waited for her mother to answer.
“I saw you on the noon news, and I headed straight here from the city,” she said.
Of course she did. Clarissa could only imagine the thoughts Tammy Jo had when she’d seen her darling daughter on the TV surrounded by the good people of Stearns.
“Everyone, this is my momma, Tammy Jo Dye.”
She proceeded to introduce the woman who’d given birth to her to everyone present. Even the sheriff. She hoped God wouldn’t strike her down for that one. In fact, she was a little surprised the sheriff didn’t recognize her mother. Tammy Jo had been in trouble with the law for as long as Clarissa could remember. Somehow she didn’t figure anything had changed.
She didn’t want Mackenzie exposed to the woman.
Only one way to make that happen, but it was going to be ugly. Couldn’t be helped. How had she ever thought her slate could be clean?
“Sheriff, if you don’t mind running me and my momma back into town, I sure would be appreciative.”
Letting Go Page 6