The description might be melodramatic, but he knew damn well that if he wasn’t prepared, when happiness vacated his life, he would be broadsided, like a Middle Ages galleon receiving a lethal blow below its water line.
After being devastated by his mother’s death and then his father’s steady descent into a depression that placed the man far beyond his reach, Morgan never thought that life would have a purpose, a real reason for him to live, until Beth had made him feel otherwise. Beth had been his secret source of strength, his reason to smile. When the baby came along, his life was absolutely complete.
He’d been so foolish then, thinking things had finally turned around for him. He’d been supremely happy with his little corner of the world.
Life taught him that things could change in a blink of an eye.
But even knowing what could—and most likely would—happen, knowing how devastating the loss would be, he had still allowed his barriers to begin crumbling. Still found himself looking forward to seeing Kelsey, still allowed himself to be absorbed into the fabric of her family.
He’d gotten too comfortable, Morgan chided himself. And that was exactly when disaster always struck. It waited for complacency, for happiness to blot out everything else, making a man myopic, and then it struck, just because it could, stripping him of everything. Leaving him bent and bleeding, going through the motions and having no real reason to go on living.
He had to back away, for his own preservation.
Like with a bandage that had gotten stuck to a wound, he had to rip it away cleanly. It would hurt, but pulling it off slowly would hurt even more, only prolonging the pain.
“You’re quieter than usual,” Kelsey commented, turning toward Morgan in bed. They had just made love and his silence made the afterglow slip into the shadows quicker than it should.
She felt herself growing uneasy.
As with so many nights since her brother’s wedding, they had gotten together for no particular reason, with no set agenda, just to see each other. In the beginning, the get-togethers occurred aided by excuses. She would invite Morgan to a movie, or he would suggest going to a restaurant, when all either of them really wanted was just to enjoy the other’s company.
But after a while, the excuses no longer seemed necessary. It was enough that they just wanted to see one another.
At least, she’d thought that it was enough. But the past few days Morgan had become pensive. More so than usual. Kelsey vacillated between giving Morgan his space and wanting to take on whatever was bothering him to make his burden lighter.
Not knowing what was going on in his head had her thinking all sorts of things were wrong.
He sat up. “Just thinking,” he murmured with a careless shrug that wasn’t reassuring. Telling herself that she was just imagining things didn’t help, either.
“Yes, I can see the wheels turning.” Kelsey glided a finger along his temple as if she were able to access his thoughts at will. If only it were that simple. “There’s this little vein that becomes prominent whenever you’re lost in thought,” she told him, then asked, “Anything I can help with?” fervently hoping that whatever was bothering him had nothing to do with the two of them.
“Or is it police stuff?” she asked when he didn’t respond. “And it’s all based on ‘need to know’?” Kelsey uttered the phrase with disdain.
Morgan shook his head. “No,” he said. And then he slanted a look in her direction, his expression unreadable. “Just something I need to work out.”
She didn’t like the sound of that. Or his low tone. It made her feel uneasy, although she couldn’t really explain why.
“If you share a burden, it’s always lighter,” she said, trying to sound chipper.
“Not always,” he countered. If he’d let her in, told her what was really on his mind before he acted on it, she might misunderstand. She might think it was her fault, or worse, that she could somehow magically “fix the problem.”
Kelsey was quiet for a moment, scrutinizing him. “Does this have anything to do with us?” she asked.
Us. Two little letters. They sounded so solid, so good. But he knew how quickly that could all change, dissolving to nothingness.
In response, Morgan merely shrugged his shoulders and looked away.
A chill ran down her spine. He wasn’t answering her. She’d thought—hoped—that she was making him happy. At the very least half as happy as he made her. In her wildest dreams, she’d never known that she could be this in love. Corny as it sounded, it took everything she had not to just burst into song at the drop of a hat.
She was that happy.
And she had clung to the hope that the feeling could go on indefinitely, evolving into a permanent connection. She’d asked for no “talks,” made no attempt to back him into a corner to “define” their relationship in any manner, shape or form. She’d been determined not to make him feel any pressure. And, in deference to Morgan, she’d deliberately bitten back the words “I love you” whenever they had sprung to her lips, even though it was happening with more frequency these last couple of weeks.
There was no denying that she really was in love with Morgan.
She hadn’t thought such feelings were possible. But love had hit her hard. She hadn’t said a word, hadn’t even hinted at it, because she was afraid that she’d frighten Morgan away, or at least make him take a few steps back. She’d been fairly confident that she could wait Morgan out until he was ready to make his own declaration to her.
In the weeks since Trent and Shana’s wedding, she’d witnessed a steady change in Morgan, one she wasn’t sure he was even aware of. It had given her hope. Morgan had been steadily lightening up. A few times, after they’d made love, she’d actually caught him smiling, just smiling to himself. It was a very good sign.
But right now, it was as if none of that had happened. He was changing again, and this time it was a reversal of attitude. The ground they’d gained now seemed to be breaking apart.
Maybe she was wrong. Maybe, in her concern that Morgan would shift back to the way he’d been initially, she read too much into his expression, into his pensive manner.
Everyone had an off day, an off week, right?
Even as she told herself that, a chill wrapped around her heart.
He loved her. She knew that, was certain of it. And yet…
There was a way to put that to the test, Kelsey thought. Mentally, she squared her shoulders and banked down the sudden wave of fear that threatened to wash over her.
She tried to sound nonchalant as she said, “Did I tell you I got an offer the other day?”
“An offer?” Morgan repeated, not sure where she was going with this. “You mean like someone propositioned you?”
She tried to laugh, but the situation was suddenly way too serious.
“No, not like that,” she told him. “I’m talking about a job offer.”
His expression continued to be unreadable. “I thought you said you were happy where you are.”
“I am,” she assured him quickly. She didn’t want him to think that she was the one who was dissatisfied, who was restless. “I didn’t go looking for this, it just came up.” Kelsey realized that she wasn’t making any sense and backed up. “A friend of my mother’s brought my name up to this headmaster who has an opening coming up in his school. It would be teaching in a private school.” Why did she feel so shaky? She wasn’t making any of this up, yet she tripped over her tongue. Did he detect the tremor in her voice? “I’d be working with kids who have special needs,” she added.
“Don’t you do that now?” he asked.
“Up to this point, I’ve only done it on a limited basis. This would be an entire small class of kids with special needs,” she said, watching his face for any sort of reaction.
He merely nodded his head. “Sounds noble.”
“I’m not noble,” she contradicted. Tense, she’d almost snapped at him. “I would, however, be helpful. I did help get throug
h to Trent’s son—before he was Trent’s son,” she qualified.
It was the first sign of interest she saw in his face. “Cody’s not his son?”
She realized that no one had told him—and Cody had the same hair color and complexion as Trent so it was easy to see why Morgan had just made the logical assumption. When they were together, Trent and Cody behaved as if they were father and son.
“No, he’s Laurel’s. Cody was in the car when his father died in a car accident. Cody didn’t talk for a year. Laurel tried to help him come around, but nothing worked. She finally turned to Trent at his practice for help and he asked me to see what I could do to get the boy’s grades up again.”
Morgan thought of the animated boy he’d met. It was hard to think of Cody as withdrawn in any fashion. “So you’re good at this sort of thing,” he surmised.
Cody had been her greatest accomplishment to date and she was proud of how he’d overcome his obstacles. But she minimized her effect on him now with a shrug. “Fairly good,” she allowed.
“So what’s the problem?” Morgan asked, not understanding her dilemma. “Take the job if you think you’ll like it.”
She took a breath before answering. “The job is in New York.”
“Oh.”
Kelsey took solace from the single word, more so than she knew she should. But a drowning woman clutched at anything, praying that it would turn into a life preserver.
“Yes, ‘oh.’” She waited for Morgan to say more. When he didn’t, she prodded him a little by asking, “What do you think I should do?”
He turned it right back on her. “What do you want to do?”
Now he sounded just like a psychologist, she thought, frustrated. Was it just to get her to examine her motives in considering the position—or was this a way for him to step out of her life without incurring any sort of battle scars?
“I’m not sure,” she answered quietly. “I’m having trouble deciding,” she added. Sitting up in bed, she pulled her knees in against her, as if to gather strength. “Don’t you have an opinion?”
He didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear. “It’s your life, Kelsey,” he pointed out, his voice devoid of emotion. “Ultimately, you have to do what you think is best for you.”
That sounded so distant, so clinical, Kelsey thought. So cold.
From out of nowhere, tears gathered in the corner of her eyes. For a moment, she looked away, struggling to regain control over herself.
It wasn’t working.
Kelsey could feel her very spirit draining out of her. Leaning her head against her knees, she continued averting her eyes from his. “I guess then I should fly out for an interview. Explore my options.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he agreed, his voice still flat.
Yeah, a plan to be rid of me, she thought angrily. Didn’t he care if she left? Or was he hoping she would because things between them had gotten too complicated, too intimate?
She almost shouted the question at him, but somehow managed to keep the words to herself. Letting him see how much his indifference hurt wouldn’t get her anywhere. Even if he felt guilty about it, she didn’t want him sticking around out of pity or guilt. She wanted him to ask her to stay because he loved her. Love was the only reason for anything to happen.
She’d been fooling herself. Morgan didn’t love her. If he did, he’d be trying to convince her to stay, saying something to show her that he cared.
Damn it, she would have sworn that there were feelings between them, that he loved her, at least cared about her even though he wasn’t vocal about it.
Now she knew better.
Her arms tightened around her knees. How long had he been planning his escape, hoping for something to come along that would be instrumental in a breakup between them?
Kelsey felt sick.
“Listen,” she turned to look at him, “I’m not feeling all that well right now.”
Morgan was quick to take his cue. There was too much emotion in the room, too much for him to deal with. He didn’t know how much longer he could remain stoic like this.
“Yeah,” he nodded, “I should be going. I’ve got some things I’ve been meaning to get to.”
“At nine-thirty at night?” she questioned.
“Yeah, well…” Instead of continuing, searching for something plausible to say, Morgan swung his legs out of the bed and got up.
Ordinarily she liked watching him get out of bed. Liked watching him move in strong, measured, steady steps, a sleek panther that was the undeniable ruler of all he saw. But right now, she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. It hurt too much. There was absolutely no comfort in the fact that she’d been right all along. That falling for Morgan would only bring her heartache.
Gathering his clothes together from the chair where he’d haphazardly tossed them as their heated kisses had given way to lovemaking, Morgan held them against him and turned to look at her now.
“When would you be leaving?”
Kelsey searched for a drop of warmth, of concern, of resistance to the idea in his voice.
There was none.
“I don’t have the job yet,” she pointed out stiffly, her voice all but muffled. “The head of the school would have to interview me first.”
“That’s what I mean,” he told her. His voice sounded a little strained. Did it annoy him to have to talk to her? “When would you fly out for the interview?”
She had to think to form an answer. “I’m not sure yet. He gave me a number of alternative dates.”
Morgan nodded, taking in the information. “If you get a chance, let me know when.”
If you get a chance.
You would say this to a neighbor who asked you to bring in their mail. You wouldn’t sound so cavalier with someone you had feelings for.
There was a simple explanation. He didn’t have feelings for her. It had all been one-sided with her reading much too much meaning into everything.
You’d think that after what she’d gone through with Dan, she would have learned her lesson. She’d held Morgan at bay for how long? A day? Two? A week? It was all a blur to her now because her feelings had been there from the beginning. All she knew was that they’d quickly become lovers.
She’d always worn her heart on her sleeve, Kelsey thought contemptuously. Added to that, she’d thought she’d seen something in him, a wounded human being who needed to make contact with someone who cared about him.
That was what she thought she saw, Kelsey upbraided herself. For all she knew, it had all been an act. An act he put on to get her to break down her barriers so that he could sleep with her. It had been about sex, pure and simple. Just sex and nothing else. Whatever she’d thought was there wasn’t.
Wrapping the sheet around herself like an overly long toga, she got out of bed and followed Morgan, now fully dressed, to the door. All she wanted now was to be rid of him before she started to cry.
“Give me a call if you get a chance,” he reminded her, reaching the door. “Let me know when you’re going to New York.”
“Sure,” she murmured, completely numb inside. She shut the door without saying goodbye.
What was wrong with him? the voice in her head cried. He was supposed to ask her not to even think about leaving. He was supposed to beg her to stay, or at least act as if he would miss her. Instead, he was encouraging her to go, to consider uprooting her life and moving three thousand miles away.
God, she never thought she could hurt this much.
Kelsey leaned her forehead against the door, her head throbbing as the tears began to flow. She could feel herself dying inside.
Damn him, anyway!
With effort, she straightened again and slowly moved away from the door. She needed to get a grip on herself.
But first, she needed to go back into her bedroom, throw herself on the bed and cry until she stopped hurting.
On the other side of the door, Morgan finally allowed his rigid posture to relax, his sh
oulders to slump. Now that he was faced with the sound of the second shoe falling, he wanted to take it all back, wanted to grab it before it made contact with the floor.
He didn’t want her to go. Oh God, he didn’t want her to fly out for the interview, much less consider taking the job.
Get hold of yourself, Donnelly.
Better now than later, he thought after a beat. He knew this was for the best, both for her and for him, but as he slowly walked to his car, he couldn’t find a way to overcome the sensation that he’d just had his heart cut out of his chest with a jagged knife.
Chapter Fourteen
He missed her.
God help him, but he missed her. Less than five days into the breakup and the loneliness was all but consuming him.
Morgan shifted in the car, his muscles cramping up on him as he sat, waiting, watching for close to an hour. Watching for her. He’d known this was going to be the ultimate outcome and had tried to put the skids on, stopping anything from happening before it had a chance to start.
Obviously, he’d wound up failing miserably. He was making matters worse by sitting here, parked across the street from the school where she taught, hoping to catch a glimpse of Kelsey as she left.
He’d succeeded only once in the past few days and it had only made things worse for him, not better.
Everything was making things worse, and soon, he knew, she’d be gone. Maybe even permanently if those people at the private school made her a decent offer.
By all rights, his life should have gone back to normal, or at least back to the way they had been before he’d met her, if that could be called normal.
No, he reflected, it hadn’t been normal. Life before Kelsey had been hell. But he had made his peace with that.
Leaning forward in his seat, the steering wheel pressing into his chest, Morgan thought he saw her coming out of the school’s main building. Just then, his radio crackled, summoning his attention.
Banking down his impatience, he flicked the button down and listened. Dispatch was calling, alerting him to a possible break-in taking place three miles away. A neighbor had reported a suspicious-looking truck parked across the street from her house.
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