by Alicia Rae
I used every last muscle in my body to help me stand to my feet. Then, I turned to face the man I loved with every fiber of my being.
His stance was spread wide with his hands tucked into the front pockets of his pants. I could see his chest rising and falling from several feet away. His face was torn, as though he was being haunted with memories. But those eyes of his were on guard, appearing to gauge my reaction, while also still managing to stare at me with nothing other than pure love for me.
“I…what is—” I broke off on a cry, hearing my words mix up. That nerve connection between my brain and mouth was failing me at a bad time. I swallowed thickly and took a few needed seconds to gather my thoughts.
Somewhere deep, deep inside me, I finally found the strength to ask the question I feared I already knew the answer to. “Is this true?” I held up the newspaper. My hand shook fiercely. “Did you murder your stepfather?” I murmured, barely above a whisper.
He was silent for a long moment as we stared at one another. The gap between us was painful. I wanted his arms around me. I longed for him to hold me and tell me that this article was a crappy lie.
But his eyes told me differently.
“Yes, I killed him. I had an opportunity, and I took it,” he stated slowly. His voice was unrecognizable. “And please don’t ask me if I regret it because I don’t.”
My body felt weightless at his detached confession, and I swayed on my feet. I staggered and barely fared to catch myself from tripping. Damien stepped forward to help me.
“Don’t!” I cried, sticking my arm out to halt his actions. “Don’t touch me!”
He couldn’t put his hands on me. I wouldn’t let him distract me from seeking the truth. I had to remain focused here.
My stomach rolled and heaved with the urge to vomit. I felt trapped in my own personal hell. I was in love with a murderer.
How can this be? No, it can’t be.
“Why?” I gasped, forcing air in and out of my lungs, as I looked into the eyes of a deeply tortured man. “Why would you do that? How could you do that?”
I simply couldn’t see the justification of how someone could take another human being’s life and not in self-defense. Something awfully traumatic must have happened to Damien during his childhood, and I desperately needed him to explain this to me.
“It’s…” He trailed off. His face contorted with agony. He grasped the back of his neck. “It’s complicated. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I wouldn’t understand?” I argued in pure disbelief, instinctively taking a threatening step toward him. Feeling slightly deranged, I shoved at his chest and screamed, “That’s because you won’t ever let me in! How can I understand anything when I know nothing about you?”
“It’s not easy for me to relive that part of my life, Raelyn. You don’t know what you’re asking of me.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m not that person anymore. I never want to be that person again.”
My fragile heart split in two, and then it shattered into millions of tiny pieces, tearing me from the inside out. Tears filled my eyes as a profound heartache dimmed my soul.
Knowing what I had to do, even if it pained me beyond measure, I forced the words out of my mouth. “Then, I’m going to have to break my promise.”
His head whipped up to gaze at me. “You’re leaving me?”
The grief-stricken look in his eyes was too much for me to bear, so I glanced down at my ring. The ferocious tremor in my hands made it difficult to remove it. Then, without making eye contact, I outstretched my arm to give him the diamond that was supposed to be a promise of our forever.
“I can’t marry a man who refuses to share himself with me.”
He didn’t take the ring. “Give me time, please. I beg you, give me more time.”
“I have.” I pushed my arm closer to his. “Take it.”
He still made no effort to take the ring. “I don’t want it, Raelyn.” The indescribable pain in his voice matched how I felt inside. “It’s yours, and I meant every word when I gave it to you.”
I needed this. I needed him to open up to me more than I needed oxygen to breathe—no more excuses, no more brushing me off. If he couldn’t let me into his heart, fully and without reservations, then he was giving me no choice.
I stared past him, gazing down the beach, as I said, “I love you, Damien, with everything that I am. I always will. I even love you enough to let you go. I can no longer smile on the outside while my heart is breaking on the inside. That’s what your secretive past is doing to me. It’s ripping me apart, slowly and painfully, and I can’t bear it.”
I gazed into those grays I loved so profoundly one last time, hoping I could etch them into my memory forever. “I truly hope, someday, you find someone whom you love so completely, you’ll let them in. That you’ll put your faith in them to love you, regardless of your past.” It hurt me beyond any pain I’d ever experienced before to know that I wasn’t that person to him.
I tried to pass him the ring one last time.
“There will never be anyone else. Only you,” he vowed reverently. “I love you, Raelyn, so fucking much. Don’t do this. Please.”
It was now or never, and it had to be now.
I straightened my fingers and tipped my hand, causing the stunning diamond ring to fall to the sand in between us. “Good-bye, Damien,” I whispered, hearing my voice crack, before I walked away.
With the increasing distance between us, my heart shattered a little more.
twenty-three
Damien
Agony.
All I could feel was pure fucking agony.
Unbelievable pain.
I felt it fucking slicing through me everywhere, cutting me deeper than the scars on my back.
The tightness in my chest was suffocating me. My world was dark without Raelyn.
She’d wanted to know my past. My gorgeous, beautiful, loving girl had wanted me to taint her pure heart with the excruciating, soul-shredding stories from the darkest days of my life.
Hell was a bottomless black hole, and it’d taken me years to erase those traumatic memories from my head. I didn’t want a mind-fuck into my past, and I sure as fuck didn’t want to drag Raelyn into it with me.
The old wounds beneath the ink on my shoulders bristled, stinging. It was as though someone had taken a torch to my skin and scorched my flesh, leaving me to slowly bleed out.
I fell to my knees and grabbed Raelyn’s engagement ring.
I loved Raelyn. So fucking much.
I hung my head in shame—not because of the greatest sin I’d committed in my past, but because I’d hurt the one and only person I loved in my thirty years. I didn’t know how to make her understand my reasons or my feelings that had led to that day so long ago.
I didn’t know what to do.
So, for the second time in my adult life, I let my feelings consume me, and I cried. I fucking cried, for my heart was dying a slow, intolerable death without my gorgeous girl by my side.
twenty-four
Raelyn
Still having my key, I let myself into the apartment I’d once shared with Iris.
I sat on the back balcony off the living room, staring blindly out at the mass of tall trees. Other than a few birds chirping or the rustling of leaves from the wind, it was completely silent, and I welcomed it. I was lost in my thoughts, wondering how I’d pick up the pieces of my life and continue on. The idea of living the rest of my days without Damien was something that brought tears rushing forward, so I tried to think of anything but him. It was beyond difficult, and I failed miserably over and over again.
A couple of hours later, Iris came home, and through the glass sliding door, I faintly heard her shuffling around inside the apartment. I didn’t move though. My limbs had no life in them, so I continued to sit.
Eventually, she must have seen me because she opened the door and sat next to me. She was quiet for several moments, observing me, before she fina
lly asked, “Are you okay?”
My vision was obstructed with tears for the millionth time today. All I could do was shake my head from side to side as I kept my attention on the bright green leaves of the trees ahead.
“How long have you been here?” Her voice was soft and gentle.
“A few hours,” I choked out, unable to mask my emotions. They were bubbling over inside me. It was taking everything I had to try to hold myself together.
“Does Damien know you’re here?”
“Probably.” It wasn’t that hard to figure out where I’d gone. But the part that hurt the most was that he hadn’t come after me. He hadn’t barged through the door to offer any explanations.
Damien never tolerated me walking away from him. Heck, he never even let me sleep in a separate bed, no matter how mad I was.
This was a very different scenario.
I’d found out his darkest, deepest secret, and he’d let me leave.
“Aw, sweetie, I’m sure whatever fight you guys had will blow over. Give it time. Damien loves you something fierce. You two will get through this.” Iris scooted her chair closer, leaned forward, and patted my forearm.
I swung my eyes to meet Iris’s. Her expression was laced with sorrow but filled with reassurance, too.
I swallowed the rock lodged in my throat, needing her to hear the gravity of my argument with Damien. “He murdered his stepfather, Iris.” My admission caused the inconsolable ache to rise in my chest all over again.
Unmeasurable shock passed through Iris’s features, followed by her jaw dropping to the floor, and then denial surfaced. “What?” She gaped. “Murdered?” She sat up straight, shaking her head. “You mean to tell me that Damien, your fiancé…murdered someone? Are you sure? That can’t be right. How did you find this out?”
It took me a long time to get through explaining the details of how I’d learned of Damien’s childhood name, how I’d found the old newspaper, and how I’d confronted Damien about my findings. It was like reliving the awful nightmare of my morning. But this was my best friend I was talking to, and I needed to confide in her, so she could help me through this because I was devastated and at a complete loss.
“Who gave you the newspaper?”
“I’m not sure,” I answered. “Though I’m guessing it was Annabelle or Drake.”
“What did Damien say when you accosted him?”
This was the hardest part to answer. “Not much. He admitted to killing his stepfather. Then, he told me that he didn’t regret it. And, when I asked him to explain, he refused to let me in—as he’s always done—yet he wanted me to stay.” I gazed at Iris, searching for answers. “What do I do, Iris? Please, tell me what I’m supposed to do. I’m so lost,” I cried. “I don’t know what to do.” I was babbling and sobbing and still oh-so confused. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined being put in such a predicament.
Iris seemed to be silently deliberating in her head. “If he truly loves you, then he’ll come to you,” she said at last. “And he’ll explain everything. Only then can you decide what your future holds.”
There was only one problem.
I wasn’t so sure Damien would come to me. Not over this.
On Sunday, Iris and I binged on popcorn, chocolate, and movies for a good chunk of the day. Our only mistake was not picking comedies or thrillers or action-packed ones. No, we had been stupid and selected romance movies where we each sobbed our hearts out, which led to more popcorn and chocolate.
By seven o’clock, Iris crashed on the couch, leaving me alone to my thoughts. I didn’t want to think, especially about how another day had passed without Damien trying to reach me. So, I went to my car, grabbed my briefcase, went into my old room, and threw myself into my work, praying that I could keep the images of those unique handsome grays at bay.
I didn’t want to think of him. Or my heart would shatter all over again.
I carried myself into work on Monday, looking and feeling like crap. My eyes were heavy and swollen with lack of sleep, for I’d been up until three in the morning. It had taken me nearly triple the normal amount of time to complete my paperwork last night after making countless errors, which led to spending lengthy hours backtracking to find each mistake.
To top it off, I was wearing Iris’s clothes. Usually, that wouldn’t bother me, but today, they only served as a reminder as to why I didn’t have my own.
I’d have to remedy that situation when I left the office today. I inhaled a gulp of air and released it, refusing to let my mind go there. I’d have to deal with that after I survived plastering a smile on my face to meet with my clients.
It was time to focus on numbers.
After my last appointment with Zachary Gallenburg finished, I decided to stay at work for the rest of the afternoon. Account files were piling up on my desk, and I needed to take care of my clients and stay ahead of the game.
It was half past five by the time I’d updated five more accounts and tackled a few more items on my master to-do list. I wished I could take credit for being a natural superstar, but it was the second cup of coffee in the afternoon that had really done the trick.
In the middle of reorganizing my desk, a knock sounded at my office door.
I glanced up. “Come in.”
Cale breezed inside. The look on his face was stern, warning that I was about to get the third degree. “Everyone else left the office at five. What in the hell are you still doing here, Rae?” He frowned. “You’re supposed to be leaving by two.”
“And I told you that, if I felt up for it, I’d stay longer,” I shot back, fully intending to hold my own here.
Besides, it wasn’t like I had anywhere to be. All I had to do was drop by Damien’s to get some dress clothes, and I had probably been stalling on doing that, not that it was anyone’s business. Then, the rest of my night would be spent lounging on Iris’s couch.
Cale came to the side of my desk, propped his left hip against it, and crossed his arms over his chest with raised brows. “Does this have anything to do with the fact that Damien’s waiting for you in the parking lot?”
“Huh?” I murmured. “He is?”
“Yes, that’s the only reason I knew you were still here. I saw him leaning against your car in the parking lot. Any reason he’s waiting out there for you and not in here?”
When I failed to answer because I truly didn’t have a good explanation, Cale continued to probe, “I thought something was up. The man looks like shit, Rae. And you’ve been off all day. What’s going on with you two?” His tone was plagued with worry, matching his facial expression.
“Too much.” I expelled all the air from my lungs and leaned back in my chair.
I had no idea how I was going to walk out of this office and face Damien. Furthermore, with so much unsaid between us, I was uneasy.
Cale and Damien had been close friends, long before I was in the picture. It made me wonder if Cale could help me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course. Anything. You know that.”
“What do you know about Henry Heathman?” I queried, intentionally being vague.
His eyes briefly went wide before he managed to recover. “I know that it was a troubled time in Damien’s life, and he doesn’t like to talk about it much.” His tone was somber. “But, regardless of the controversy it invoked years ago, that bastard got what he deserved whether or not Damien had killed him in self-defense.”
“So, he told you about his past?”
“No. Most everything I learned was from the newspapers when Heathman Enterprises started making headlines with its rapid success. Damien was a very young, prosperous entrepreneur, and the press ate him alive when they found out about his past. Damien paid big bucks to get those leeches off his back,” Cale explained sympathetically, clearly fond of his friend.
I still had so many questions, but I needed to hear the answers from Damien.
I went to Cale to give him a hug and said, “T
hank you.” I smiled appreciatively when we parted.
“Of course.” Cale peered down at me. “He’s worked hard to build a good, respectable life for himself. He deserves happiness, especially after such a traumatic beginning. Hear him out, Rae.”
“I will.”
Cale stood to his full height and tilted his head toward the door. “Come on, I’ll walk you out.”
“All right.”
I grabbed my briefcase, cell phone, and keys, and I followed Cale out of the office. My heart began to pound in my chest as we made our way down the sidewalk and through the alley. Sure enough, Damien was leaning against my car with his hands tucked into his pockets. Normally, I would have been surprised to see him in a casual pair of jeans and a collared shirt on a weekday, but I was too wrapped up in drinking in the sight of his handsome face to make anything of it. After all, it’d been over two days since I last laid eyes on him, which was far too long.
Damien glanced up at me when Cale and I were still several feet away. Damien smiled at me, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He looked tired and worn down, as though he hadn’t slept in days. He appeared as lost as I felt inside.
“I’ll see you guys later.” Cale dismissed himself.
I murmured, “Bye,” to him.
Cale got in his vehicle and left the parking lot without delay.
I shifted my attention to Damien. “How long have you been here?”
“A while.” Damien pushed off the hood of my red Chevy Malibu and shifted on his feet. “Can I take you to dinner?”
“No.” I shook my head. I wasn’t hungry. Plus, my nerves were strung far too tight for me to even think about food, let alone try to eat.
“Can we go somewhere quiet to talk then?” His grays seemed to silently plead with me.
“Okay,” I answered, failing to keep my voice steady.
Relief washed over his features. “I’ll drive.”
I made no effort to move when he took two steps in the direction of his car. “Damien, I’d rather drive myself.” I had no clue how this conversation was going to go. I didn’t want to be at his mercy to bring me back here to the office in the event that tonight didn’t end well—even though I truly prayed it would.