‘Hang in there, Jake. Oh, Jake, Jake, Jake,’ she sobs, while the blood seeps through her fingers. She looks up at me. She seems dazed and totally lost. I know her type. She’s delicate. She can snap at any moment. I’ve seen that look before.
‘His hair feels so soft and smells so good, but I can feel him slipping away. His pulse is slowing down, too. I think he’s dying, BJ,’ she tells me calmly.
Fuck me, if that isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve heard today. She must be in shock and rambling. It’s not going to be good when she zones back into reality.
I fucking nail my foot to the accelerator.
Lily
BJ gets Jake to the A & E of the closest hospital. I don’t even register what it is called. I just sit there covered in his blood as they take him away from me and load him onto a gurney. It seems to me that they are moving too slowly. I feel an irrational fury. I want to scream at them, but I don’t. Instead they are surprised to find me perfectly calm. Even I am shocked at how unmoved I am. I don’t feel anything.
‘Hurry, please,’ I urge, my voice, as cold as ice.
And they take him away from me.
Someone touches my arm. Slowly I swing my eyes upwards. A long way upwards. Ah, BJ.
‘I’ve got to go. I can’t be here when the police arrive.’
‘OK. Thank you.’
‘I’ll be around later.’
He turns to move away. I catch his arm. ‘Wait.’
He turns back, surprised.
I reach into my bra and fish out the surveillance stick. ‘Can you hold onto this for me? You’re the only one I can trust now.’
‘What is this?’
‘This is Jake’s life.’
He takes it, nods, and leaves.
Then I call my old Detective Sergeant and give him the address, briefly warning him what his men are going to find. I take a deep breath and call Shane to ask him to come. As soon as I hear his voice that strange everything-is-under-control, all-is-well cloud that had protected me from fear and panic is suddenly gone.
My heart starts racing. My chest constricts and I can’t catch my breath. Sweat starts pouring from my underarms. I feel lightheaded and faint. I am choked by a sensation that I could die right here from pure, unadulterated terror.
The terror of losing Jake.
Someone—a nurse—takes the phone from my rigid hand. Maybe she will tell Shane the name of the hospital. I become aware that other people in uniforms are running toward me. I see visions of me falling to the floor, screaming and kicking, and everyone staring curiously. My brain instructs me to tell the people who are holding me that it is Jake who needs their ministrations.
There seems to be confusion all around me.
Some rational part of my brain concedes that it is possible that I have become hysterical. In fact, I think I have just slapped a nurse. It’s not that I want to, but I can’t control my arms and legs. They flail out uncontrollably with a life of their own. Someone injects me with something.
I scream for my Jake until I am gone from my body.
SIXTEEN
Lily
I don’t know how many hours pass before I wake up. There is no moment of confusion, of where am I? What is going on? Where is Jake? NO! As soon as I open my eyes I know. I am in a hospital and Jake’s been taken away from me. He is probably being operated on. I sit up and slide off the bed. My bare feet touch cold ground. There are curtains pulled all around me. I part the curtains and start walking in the direction of voices. I come to the reception desk.
‘Ah, you’re awake,’ someone says.
‘Where’s Jake?’ I ask.
‘Calm down.’
‘I will calm down when you tell me where my husband is.’
‘First we need some shoes,’ she says.
‘I just want to know—’
But she is already walking back to the curtained section where I had come from and returns with a pair of shoes, mine. I wear them hurriedly. ‘Take me to my husband please.’
‘He’s still in surgery, but I can take you to where the rest of your family are.’
I frown. ‘My family?’
‘Yes, they are all waiting. Come on.’
I follow her to a sitting room. ‘Here they are,’ she says cheerfully.
The first person I see is Jake’s mother.
The nurse makes her exit.
For a few seconds Jake’s mother and I stare at each other. Then she stands up and advances toward me. Her small frame is trembling with anger. I look at her and I don’t feel afraid. I want her to hurt me. I deserve it. It is all my fault. I was so stupid, so fucking careless. It will be a relief to have her strike me. She stands in front of me and lifts her hand. I think she intended to slap me. I would have done it if I were her. Her hand moves in an arc, but it never connects. Shane catches it.
‘Don’t, Ma,’ he says sadly. ‘He’s in love with her. When he wakes up, it will break his heart to know you marked her.’
He lets go of her hand and she covers her mouth with it. Her eyes are shocked and huge and her hand is visibly shaking. ‘What if he doesn’t wake up?’
He turns white. ‘Then his soul will grieve.’
She crumples then, sobbing as if her poor heart was breaking. He put his arm around her and gently led her toward the blue chair.
And then Dom is next to me. ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Let’s get you some coffee.’
I let him lead me out of that sad waiting room with its blue seats and Jake’s devastated mother.
I lean against the wall. Dom and I have hardly spoken. I’ve kept away from him.
‘Do you want a real drink?’ he says.
‘Yeah,’ I say.
He takes a flask out of his jacket pocket.
I take a long swallow. The alcohol burns my throat. ‘How long has he been in the operating theater?’
‘Seven hours.’
I become frightened. ‘He’s not going to make it, is he?’
His jaw goes stiff. ‘He’s gonna make it,’ he says. ‘He’s gonna fucking make it or I’m gonna kill the fucking bastard myself.’
That’s Dom for you: Why open a fucking door when you can fucking kick it down? Tears start flowing down my cheeks.
Jake
I wake up to indescribable pain. ‘Lily,’ I mutter.
There is no answer. I return to the blessed blackness.
I come back. Lights. Voices. Machines. Searing pain. I go away.
I open my eyes. A woman. ‘Lily?’
‘Nurse Bourne, I’m afraid.’
‘Lily.’
‘Your wife?’
‘Yeah, my wife. Tell her to get her ass in here now,’ I mumble.
And then it is blackness again.
My mother holds my hand. I know that. I feel her. She cries. I want to stop her. I’m all right. She goes. Shane comes. ‘Get well soon,’ he whispers.
I open my eyes and there she is. She is shaking. She puts her hand in mine. She’s not all right. ‘I love you,’ she says. I’m not there for her.
Then I open my eyes and it is no longer fuzzy. I recognize my mother.
‘Where’s Lily, Ma?’ I ask.
‘She’s outside,’ she says. ‘You nearly died because of her.’
‘That’s right. I nearly died because of her, but I’d be dead without her, Ma. She warned us they had infiltrated BJ’s organization.’
That’s the thing about Ma, she’s not vindictive. She forgives easily. ‘In that case I will pray to the Madonna for your wife,’ she whispers.
A little while after, Ma leaves and Lily opens the door.
‘Oh, you’re awake,’ she cries with disbelief.
She comes and stands beside me, fragile as a bit of porcelain. There is a bandage on her temple and a long bruise on her left cheek and blue shadows under her eyes, but she is still so beautiful I want to weep.
‘I can’t wait to get my cock into your pussy,’ I tell her and she begins to cry. Huge big tears that roll do
wn her cheeks. I don’t stop her. I know they are tears of joy.
SEVENTEEN
Lily
If I had not made the recording I don’t know how it would have turned out. For many days the papers ran with the story and it was big news. We killed a DS, a highly respected one at that. I told them everything I knew, but I don’t know what happened to Robin. Once I called the office and asked for him. One of the guys picked up the phone and told me he doesn’t work there anymore. I never saw anything in the papers so I guess they just did what they always do. Cover their own asses.
It is nearly two weeks before we are allowed to take Jake home. The family rallies round. Shane and Dom set up a bed downstairs in one of the reception rooms so Jake doesn’t have to go up the stairs to sleep. Shane and Dom carefully lay him in bed. I hover around helplessly behind them. Jake has become so pale.
‘Thanks,’ he tells his brothers.
I offer them a drink but they leave pretty quickly once Jake has been installed.
‘Back later tonight,’ they tell me.
‘OK,’ I say as I close the front door. I go back to the living room and Jake is grinning at me.
‘God, I’ve missed being home with you,’ he says. ‘Come and kiss me properly then,’ he says.
I go over feeling suddenly shy. I’ve told him that I love him, but I don’t know whether he heard. If he can still remember what happened after his head trauma.
I kiss him gently on the lips and his hand comes around my forearm. ‘You call that measly thing a kiss?’
I laugh. ‘You’re supposed to take it easy.’
‘I’m supposed to, but you’re not.’
I frown at him. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Take off your panties.’
‘What?’
‘You heard.’
‘Why?’
‘Don’t make me get up and bust all these stitches.’
‘This is crazy. I can’t believe you’re doing this,’ I say, taking my panties off. ‘Right. They’re off. Happy now?’
‘Come closer,’ he invites, his eyes alive with something I haven’t seen for two weeks. Something I was afraid I would never see again.
‘Listen, you’re not allowed—’
‘To strain. I’m not going to strain. You are.’
I bite my lip. I want to go over, but I really don’t want to do anything that could harm him.
‘If you don’t come, I’m coming to get you,’ he warns.
I look at him worriedly. ‘Jake…’
‘I promise I’m not going to move a muscle. You’re going to do all the work.’
I take the step closer.
‘Spread your legs.’ His voice holds an implacable quality.
I inch my legs apart, feeling myself getting wetter.
‘Open for me, Lily,’ he persuades.
I spread my legs farther apart and he slips his hand between my legs, slipping his fingers into the crack, playing with the wet folds, collecting my arousal on his fingers. Taking it to his mouth. And sucking it off.
‘Take your top and your bra off.’
I obey.
‘And your skirt.’
He buries his fingers in me. Totally naked with his fingers working on me I moan. ‘Lift one leg and put it on the mattress.’ With my hands resting on the mattress I lift one leg and rest it on the bed as he commands That opens me up to his gaze. I look down myself at the end of his hand. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty.
My nipples start aching. I am mad for the feel of his mouth on them, sucking, licking, biting. Watching me avidly he glides one finger into me. I shudder, my back arching. He slips his finger out and circles my clit. I push my hips desperately against his hand, wanting the finger back, the blood running hot in my veins. Two fingers enter me. I whimper. His touch slows. The fingers withdraw. A small cry of frustration erupts from my mouth. His fingers hover over the entrance of my sex. I push my hips forward chasing those elusive fingers. He lets me catch his fingers. They slide in.
He stops moving. I look at him, my body twisted, begging for more.
‘If you want it, work for it,’ he says. ‘Fuck my fingers.’
So I do. I ram into his fingers, two then three, stretching me. My hands are numb from gripping the mattress so hard and my body being twisted uncomfortably. Every thrust increases the discomfort but that is part of the pleasure, too. The pleasure of being overwhelmed, commanded and watched while I fuck his fingers with what should have been shame but isn’t. He watches me avidly until the climax comes for me.
‘Oh God!’ I scream, feeling myself fly again with the sensation of being unspeakably filthy, of being wanted so violently by this man. It has been so long.
Naked and strangely exhausted I climb into bed and carefully lie beside him. For a while neither of us speaks.
‘Jake.’ I lift myself onto my elbow. ‘Do you remember what happened in that flat?’
‘Some,’ he says, turning his head to look at me.
‘Do you remember what I told you?’
His eyes gleam. ‘Tell me again what you told me and I will see if I remember it,’ he says innocently.
I smile. ‘I meant every word,’ I say.
‘Is it beautiful yet?’
I frown. ‘Is what beautiful?’
‘Remember when you said love should be beautiful. Is it beautiful yet?’
My eyes fill with tears. ‘Yes, it’s beautiful.’
‘I’m glad,’ he says softly. ‘Because it was always beautiful for me. Our meeting was a “magic” of perfect timing. A few seconds later and you would have gone through that side door and we would never have met. I knew from the moment our eyes met that you were mine. And you were already mine in many other lifetimes.’ He reaches his hand out to touch my face, the skin softened by days of lying in bed. ‘I’ve always loved and I’ll always love you. No matter what they throw at us they will never separate us. Even our separation will be illusions. After this life is over I will seek you again, and I will find you again.’
It dawns on me as I look into Jake’s eyes, that losing Luke tore the life from me, but then the same random hand that took him away intervened again and made the most unlikely suitor become my savior. A tear crawls down my cheek. Maybe I always knew from our first kiss that he was the only one who could have mended my heart.
He smiles gently, my beautiful, beautiful gangster man.
—Baby, it's only for you, it's only for you
Baby, it's only for you, only for you—
EPILOGUE
Lily
I have named them all. That huge one over there is Jakob; his wife is called Elsie. No, I’m not being facetious, she is his wife, once mated, male and female crows stay together for life. I have seen their chicks: beautiful, with bits of yellow on their bills and blue-eyed. I call to Elsie and she flies over and lands on my shoulder. I turn my head and she rubs her beak against my nose. I know most people think that crows are a dull black, but in fact, they have a light violet gloss on their bodies and a greenish-blue gloss on their wings. The violet gloss gleams in the sunlight. I know why Jakob chose her. She is beautiful.
When Elsie flies back to her mate I walk away. Soon I will have a chick of my own. Two months ago I stopped taking the pill and this morning I peed on a stick that came up with a thin blue line. For a few seconds I had stared at the stick in shock. Unable to move, something irrepressible opening up like a flower inside me.
I wanted to run into the bedroom and tell Jake straightaway, but I decided to save the news. After dinner tonight. He is taking me away to Paris. I will tell him then. Mine was in a bathroom but let him remember the moment as something truly special.
A gift on the anniversary of our meeting.
A small smile comes to me at the thought of his expression. I know he wants a big family. He has even got names all planned for them. He says he wants at least half a dozen, but obviously he’s not getting that. He tried to pin me down to five. I said two. He said four and w
e finally agreed on three. But in fact, I am open to four. It all depends on how painful childbirth turns out to be.
I hope my baby will be green-eyed like him.
The coming of the child makes my thoughts turn to Luke. I don’t dream so much of him anymore. At first I was sad. As horrible as they were, I felt with their passing, I had lost my last connection to him, but then I realised that the nightmares are not my connection to him. The memory of him doing handstands in the rain, building a snow staircase to Santa Claus and the hundreds of other memories of him are what’s left of him.
The sky is blue and the sun is warm on my back. I shade my eyes and look to the distance. I can see Jake riding Thor. He is coming in my direction. As ever he is not wearing a shirt. The wind whips at his hair. I feel the vibration of the horse and the man even before I hear them.
My heart swells with love. I smile up at him. The horse snorts and looks at me with big, liquid eyes. From my pocket I take out a lump of sugar and hold it in the palm of my hand. The horse goes for it. His rough lips brush my skin. Jake gets off, picks me up by the waist and whirls me around.
‘Hey,’ I say, laughing. ‘What’s this in aid of?’
‘Nothing. Every time I see you I feel such a rush of joy it has to be acted on.’
I put my hands on either side of his cheeks, look into those gorgeous, magnificent, grass-green eyes of his, and bending my head, kiss him. ‘I love you, Jake Eden. So damn much.’
And it’s true. I’m crazy about him. He has totally changed my life. I was covered in cobwebs in a cold, dark place until he laid eyes on me. He never took no for answer. And never gave up on me. Ever. He hung in there no matter how bad it looked. He is truly as he says. As tenacious as a gnarled tree.
‘I hope you never tire of telling me that,’ he says, gently setting me down on the ground.
‘Want some breakfast?’ I ask.
‘What am I having?’
‘What do you want?’
‘Well, today is our anniversary so I want something special.’
I look up at him. His skin is tanned and healthy and there is a cheeky smile playing about his mouth. One day his skin will crinkle and hang off his bones, but even then I will never tire of looking at him.
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