by Syndi Powell
The counselor sighed. “I love Henry, don’t get me wrong. But if he wasn’t my brother, I would have fired him months ago.”
“I don’t know. He seems pretty great.”
“That’s the thing. He is great. Just not at this job.” She waved her hand. “But that’s not why you’re here.” She frowned at Suzy. “Why are you here?”
“My friend Presley called you to set this up. I had a panic attack.”
Page grinned and nodded. “How is Pres doing? I haven’t seen her since we were at State together.”
Suzy settled into the chair more. This was going to be a snap if they talked about anyone but her. “Pres will always be Pres. Tall. Gorgeous. And forever single.”
“Interesting that you picked those words to describe her. Most are opposites of you.” Suzy opened her mouth to protest but Page kept talking. “Don’t get me wrong. You’re petite. Cute. And something tells me you’re not as single as you think.”
“That’s not why I’m here.”
“Right. The panic attack.” Page got up from her chair and moved to the sofa that was closer to the window. “Would you be more comfortable sitting over here? We won’t be doctor and client, but like two friends.”
“I’m not here to find a friend. I’m here to get better.”
Page made a note on her pad of paper. “Interesting. Why do you think you need to get better?”
“Because I can’t clean out my mother’s bedroom without feeling like I can’t breathe, and my heart is beating out of my chest.” Suzy crossed her legs and stayed firmly where she was. “I can’t handle cleaning out the hoard that has taken over my life just as much as it took over my mother’s. And I don’t need a friend to tell me what to do. I need a professional.”
Page stood. “Then you came to the right place.” She motioned again to the couch. “Let’s just sit and talk. We’ll see where we can go.”
This was ridiculous. The woman had to be certifiable. But then working with what Henry called noodles all day must do a number on one’s psyche. Suzy rose to her feet and walked to the couch. Sat at the far end and crossed her legs. “You’re not what I expected.”
“You were expecting one of those doctors from TV, maybe?” Page laughed and shook her head. “Sorry. When I get nervous, I make inappropriate jokes. And new patients make me nervous.”
“Well there’s nothing special about me.” Suzy wrung her hands together. Was it too soon to get up and leave? Would it be considered rude?
“Interesting. Why do you say that?”
Suzy shrugged. “Listen. I just need some coping techniques or something to help me clean out my mother’s house so I’m not homeless.”
Page nodded. “Do you have anyone to help you?”
“Pres volunteered, but I don’t know.” She looked down at her hands and wished she had some hand cream on her to rub into them and soothe the cracks. “All of it falls on me to deal with. No one else.”
“And you don’t think you can handle it?”
No. Not at all. She looked up at the counselor. “What would you call hyperventilating and wanting to pass out?”
Page made some more notes on her notepad. She looked up at her then. “What are you afraid will happen if you clean out the house? If you were to clear every little thing out?” Suzy sat and thought about it until Page waved her hand. “Don’t answer that. Just close your eyes.” Her eyes drifted close. “Now imagine your mom’s house completely empty.”
Her heart started to race. Her palms began to sweat. She longed to jump off this couch and run out of the office. To get as far away from this as possible. From everything. “Stop.”
“What are you feeling, Suzy?”
“She’s gone.” Suzy opened her eyes. “Mama’s gone.”
* * *
THE SESSION WENT for another half hour and ended with Suzy feeling a lot better about coming to the appointment. Maybe Page wasn’t as crazy as she appeared. She might even be brilliant. Suzy certainly felt more calm and in control about the situation. Until Page gave her an assignment. “I’m going to visit you at the house next week. But before I get there, I want you to clean out one room.”
“Just one? I’m running out of time here. I have a ton of...”
Page held up her finger. “Just one. We can deal with the rest later. But I need to know if you can handle this.”
One room didn’t seem so bad. She could do that, right? “And it doesn’t matter which room?”
“Your choice.” Page got off the couch and led Suzy to the door. “The point is that this is all your choice. How you handle the situation. How you react to it. You’ve got the power. Always have. Okay?”
Page opened the door and escorted Suzy along the hall where Henry waited at the reception desk. Suzy handed him the clipboard with her insurance information filled in. He glanced at it then at Page. “We’ll bill you.” When Page opened her mouth, he shrugged. “The computer’s on the fritz again.”
Page rolled her eyes and started walking down the hall back to her office. She turned before entering. “One room, Suzy. See you next week.”
Henry waited until the office door closed. “So how did it go?”
“I didn’t know she was your sister.”
“One of six. But she’s cool.” He leaned in closer. “Just don’t tell her I said that.”
Suzy smiled all the way back to her car.
* * *
WILL DROVE DOWN Main in search of some lunch then decided to take his break checking up on Suzy. He pulled down her street and into her driveway. Her little yellow car was there, as sunshiny as she was with her patients. He got out of his car and strode towards the front door. Knocked on it once. Twice. No answer.
He glanced at his watch. Could she still be sleeping after her shift? He tried to remember if he’d seen her come in last night before he’d left Ma’s room. He thought he recalled seeing her smile. But then his days blended together lately between going to the home after work every day and again on the weekends.
He knocked again, and this time Suzy answered the door. She had her curls tied back with a bright neon pink bandanna, and she wore a faded T-shirt advertising a band from his college years. “I didn’t wake you.”
She shook her head and stepped in between the gap of the doorway. “I still have two and a half weeks.”
“I know. I thought I’d see if you needed a hand.”
“With what?”
Hmm. Grouchy Suzy wasn’t very attractive. He frowned. “Are you okay?”
“Why? Am I not allowed to not smile?” She tore the bandanna out of her hair. “Listen. I’m busy. And I don’t have time to stand on my porch and chit chat. And do you know why I’m busy? Because of your stupid deadline.”
“Deadlines aren’t stupid. They’re meant to motivate and give a clear goal.” He shook his head. “Why are you arguing with me?”
“Because it’s easier yelling at you than dealing with my mom’s house.” She closed her eyes and rubbed them. “What do you really want?”
He looked down at her and thought about things he shouldn’t. About pulling her into his arms and kissing that bad mood away. He sighed. “I have a contact that can haul away any old or broken appliances.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a business card. “His number is on there. And he’s free.”
“Free is good.”
“And I want to thank you.”
Suzy looked up at him, and he could see the doubt and wariness in her eyes. Had he put those there? If he had, he regretted it because he missed the Suzy he’d come to know. “I appreciate whatever it is that you told my mom. She’s decided to go ahead with the chemo.”
Suzy gave a soft smile. “That’s great.”
“At least she’ll have a fighting chance of beating th
is thing now.” He shifted his weight to the other foot. “Has the doctor talked to you about her chances?”
“Yes and by her willingness to fight, they’ve gone up at least fifty percent. But then that’s just my experience talking.” Suzy bit her lip and looked him over. She seemed as if she wanted to say something else then shook her head. “But just because she’s willing to fight doesn’t mean this is going to be easy. In fact, it’s going to get worse before it gets better.”
“Her illness?”
“And her attitude. Her outlook. She’ll probably get angry and blame you and your sister for making her miserable.” Suzy ran a hand through her curls. “But she’s really mad at the cancer. You’re just a convenient target.”
“Noted. Any other advice?”
“You’ve brought in some of her things to comfort her, but it’s not enough. Bring in more. Anything at home that she adores, like a picture, a memento, anything. It helps her focus when she’s in pain or despair.” Suzy bit her lip then shrugged. “Visits always help, but then you and your sister have been really good about that.”
“I only wish my older sisters would do the same.”
“Not everyone deals with cancer the same way.”
Will nodded then glanced at the front door that Suzy had closed when she had stepped out on the porch with him. “What’s going on in there?”
Suzy glanced behind her and shrugged. “Nothing. Working on one room.”
“I meant it when I said I could help.”
He took a step forward, but Suzy held up her hand. “I don’t need your help. I’m doing fine.”
“Then you won’t mind if I take a look?”
He tried to edge past her, but Suzy stepped between him and the door, blocking the entrance with her body. “I do mind actually.”
“Why are you making this difficult?”
“I’m not the one trying to force myself in.”
She put her arms up so that he’d only get in by physically removing her. Will considered it for a moment, but took a step back when it became apparent she didn’t want to budge. “What are you trying to hide?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s not what your body language is saying.” He took a step forward until he towered over her. She looked up at him. “You’re definitely sending signals to stay out.”
“You must not be paying attention to them because you’re not giving up.”
He looked down into her eyes and smiled. “I’m choosing to ignore them.”
She gasped at his smile. “Why?”
Because I want to pay attention to you. I want to kiss you. To hold you. “Because you helped me with my mom. I thought I’d give you a hand as repayment.”
“Oh.” Her hand reached back and touched the doorknob. And she opened the door, the two of them stumbling into the house. “Don’t judge me, okay? I can’t handle that today.”
The living room looked much the same as the last time he’d seen it. Suzy hustled him out of the room and down the hallway where the piles of books and lines of bags were now gone. There was only a clear pathway. She opened the door to one bedroom, and he grinned at the transformation. He could actually see the floor. Though the carpet would have to be replaced eventually. Still, the mounds of clothes and boxes of stuff were gone. He saw there was furniture in the room though the bed and dresser still had clutter covering their surfaces. Still.... “Oh, Suzy. This looks so much better.”
“This used to be my bedroom.” She motioned to the crayon markings along the closet door. “Mama measured my growth there.” She pointed to the row of stuffed animals on the top shelf of the closet. “They were my friends growing up.”
He reached out a hand, tried to touch her shoulder. “Suze...”
“Don’t.” She stepped away from him. “I picked this room to clean out first because it was the easiest. She filled it with junk when I left for college so that when I came home on breaks, there was nowhere for me to stay. Eventually I had to share a room with her because there wasn’t anywhere else for me to sleep.” Suzy looked up at him, pain shining in her eyes, the corners of her mouth drooping. “I could clean out this room because most of it was junk that didn’t mean anything.” She motioned to one of the walls. “But her room is full of my memories of her. How do I throw them away?”
“You don’t have to.”
She snorted a short laugh. “Really? Because that’s not what your deadline means.”
He put his arms around her shoulders. “I’m not asking you to get rid of your mom. Only the stuff that is crowding you out.” He turned her around so that she could see her bedroom. “Doesn’t it make you feel better seeing your room like this? Knowing you could sleep in your own bed?”
“The mattress is lumpy.”
Will chuckled. “Still. You’ll be able to stretch out and not be cramped on the couch.”
She turned and looked at him. “You should do that more often.”
“What? Give brilliant advice?”
“Laugh.” She reached up and touched his face, and he smiled down at her. “Yes. Like that.”
Then he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her lightly. Testing. Seeing how it felt.
Wow.
He pulled her closer to him, but she pushed him away. “I’m a mess. And I’ve got to clean. And go to work. And...”
She kept talking as she walked out of the room and down the hall. Will touched his lips and smiled.
* * *
SUZY PAUSED IN the hallway and held out a hand to steady herself. What was that? Had he really kissed her? And had she let him? What had she been thinking?
She heard him walking down the hallway, and she hurried into the kitchen. To put stuff between them. Because they couldn’t kiss like that again. Not when she had enjoyed it so much. She pulled a box of dishes from the dining room table and put it in his arms when he rounded the corner. “Take that to the garage, okay?”
“We cleaned out the garage.”
“I needed a space for things I’m donating to Goodwill. I can take some in within the next few days, but they said they’d send a truck for the rest next weekend. So it’s temporarily in the garage.”
“I worked hard to get that place cleaned up.”
She rolled her eyes. “Would you just take the box out there? You said you’d help.”
He grumbled as he left, and she watched from the kitchen window as he walked to the backyard. That’s right. Keep him busy and irritated. Because she couldn’t allow him to kiss her anymore. It was too confusing, too distracting.
And she needed to stop herself from wishing for more.
* * *
SEVERAL DAYS LATER, Suzy had just finished taking the last bag of trash out of her old bedroom when there was a knock on the front door. She took the bag with her and placed it against the old fridge then answered the door. Page stood on the stoop with a notebook in her hand. Suzy gave her a smile. “Just in time.”
“Could you record that and send it to Henry? He doesn’t seem to think I know how to tell time.” She took her coat off then looked around the living room. Seeing an empty spot on the sofa, she tossed her coat and purse there before she opened her notepad and started to take notes.
“Speaking of your brother, how is he doing?”
“We had a staff meeting last night after work about expectations and policies.” She took her gaze off the notebook and looked at Suzy. “In other words, he told me his demands. New magazines. Better music. An updated computer.” She sighed. “I doubt he heard my speech about professionalism.”
“I like your brother.”
“I do too. I love him. But he can be...a challenge.” She shrugged and glanced again around the living room. “Is this where you do most of your living? I see the pillow and blankets. You seem to have ca
rved out a space for yourself here.”
“I used to sleep there.”
Page stared at her. “Used to? I like the sound of that. Where do you sleep now?”
Suzy led her down the hallway to her old bedroom. Correction, her new bedroom. The bed had new sheets and a comforter that she’d found as a set still in plastic that Mama must have bought before she got sick. The dresser had been cleared out and now held her underthings, socks, and pajamas. She could actually change into PJs rather than sleep in her scrubs now. She’d try it tomorrow morning after work. Suzy opened the closet door and showed Page how she’d hung her scrubs inside. “This is my new room.”
“How does it make you feel?”
Oh boy. Here we go with the psychology stuff. “Fine.”
Page took a seat on the bed. “Let’s sit and talk for a moment.”
“Why?”
“The room looks great. But I’m worried more about you.” She indicated the free spot next to her. “How did it feel to get this room cleaned out? What was going on in your head?”
“Nothing.” Suzy shifted her weight to the other foot. “It was fine.”
“Again with fine. Is that what you used to tell your mother? That things were fine even when they weren’t?”
Suzy’s heart started to beat faster and her palms were instantly damp. “You don’t know what it was like growing up with my mother.”
“So tell me.”
“This isn’t about her.”
“Isn’t it?” Page looked around the room and sighed. “I’m betting that you chose this room because it would be the simplest. You didn’t choose your mother’s bedroom because that would bring up some emotions and memories that you don’t want to deal with.”
That’s just what she’d said to Will. But she didn’t want to admit that to Page. “I might have been able to handle Mama’s room.”
“Let’s test that.” Page got off the bed and walked to Mama’s bedroom. Opened the door and peered inside. When Suzy joined her, she picked up the sweatshirt that Suzy had left on the bed after her last disastrous attempt to clean up. “What do you feel when you see this top?”