by Amy Brent
He was strong, and selfless, and giving.
Just like his mother.
“I’m going to make you a promise, and I want you to hold me to it, okay?” I asked.
I felt him nod against me, and I tilted his face up to look into his eyes.
“I promise you that no matter what it costs me, you and your mother will be happy. I went and got smart, and now I’m back. I’m sorry that I missed the first eight years of your life, but I don’t intend on missing any more. Okay?”
“Promise?”
“Oh, Son, I can more than promise that.”
He wrapped his arms around me, and I held him close, closer than I had ever held any other person in my life. I rocked him side to side as the restaurant bustled around us, and it took all I had to keep myself together. I loved his boy more than life itself, and the feeling shocked me, how quickly and strongly it came on despite only having been around him for a couple hours.
Then part of my last conversation with Ana came racing back to my mind.
“I know you don’t want to play baseball, but have you ever been to a game?” I asked.
I felt Brody shake his head against my body.
“How about I take you to a Dodgers game one day then?”
“You can do that?” he asked.
“I can do anything,” I said, grinning.
“My first ever baseball game. Yes!”
He pulled away from me and jumped into the air, showcasing his excitement for the restaurant. The waitress gave us our check, and I paid it immediately, knowing I had told Ana I’d only keep him for an hour or two. This time, when I offered Brody my hand, he took it. He walked alongside me across the parking lot and even let me buckle him into his seat. Then we started back to his house.
“When can we go to the game?” he asked.
“I’ll get online and take a look at tickets. Then I’ll call your mother and figure out a good time for us to go.”
“She doesn’t like baseball.”
“Then the two of us can go. We can get hot dogs and sodas and nachos.”
“With cheese?” he asked.
“With anything you want,” I said.
When we pulled up to the house, he raced out of the car. Ana came out onto the porch and scooped him up, twirling him around in her arms. I slipped my hands into my pockets and watched the two of them interact with the new knowledge I had of her.
She had been crying for me all these years?
“Thanks for letting me take him to lunch,” I said once she set Brody down.
“Brody, go on inside so I can talk to your dad,” she said.
“Don’t forget to tell Mom about the game!” he exclaimed. Then he went scurrying off as a chuckle fell from my lips.
“The game?” Ana asked.
“I told him I’d take him to a Dodgers game if it was okay with you,” I said.
“You can see him whenever, Tyler. He’s your son.”
My eyes met hers before they fell down her body. I wanted to mend things with her, to make things right between us. But I still hurt. All of it still hurt. I looked into her eyes and flashed back to that day when she sat on my couch and stayed silent when I asked her what she was going to do after high school.
So many opportunities to tell me about her pregnancy. It was all so confusing, and I didn't know where to begin.
“Well, I’ll research tickets and give you a call then,” I said.
“Sounds nice. I’ll be on the lookout for it.”
“He had, um, spaghetti and chocolate milk, and ice cream.”
“Sounds about right,” she said, giggling.
“Anyway, I’ll, um—I’ll call you.”
“And I’ll be here waiting,” she said.
It was the sound of her voice that led me to something else, something deeper than idea of her waiting to hear about a ball game. Something more vulnerable.
I needed to get into my car and drive away. I needed to get back to my office. I needed time to think.
Ana
It hurt that Tyler suddenly didn’t want anything to do with me, but I had brought it on myself. I hadn’t had to hide Brody from him, and yet I had. I had thought it was for the right reasons. I had thought I was doing the best for everyone in the situation we had found ourselves in. But that didn’t excuse the hurt I had caused, the confusion I had brought down on my son and Tyler.
And myself.
“Things were really looking up, Kristi.”
“I know they were,” she said.
“And I ruined it with my selfishness.”
“Ana, you were caught up in a whirlwind no one could have prepared for. Stop being so hard on yourself.”
“I hid Brody from his father.”
“You did what you thought was best for Tyler at the time. And you were right. He probably would have resented you in the long run for keeping him behind and from going to Harvard—though it wouldn't have been your fault in the first place.”
“I hurt him, Kristi.”
“Well, yes, you did.”
I sipped on my wine as that reality dawned on me. I had hurt him the way he had hurt me all those years ago. And yet revenge wasn’t sweet. Not that I had sought revenge. Quite the opposite. There was a time I had wanted Tyler to feel the hurt I had, but I’d been pregnant and hormonal and generally angry with the entire situation.
I hadn’t actually wanted it to happen.
“Do you think he’ll give me a second chance?” I asked.
“I don’t know, Ana. Do you want one?” Kristi asked.
“Of course I do. I love him. I want to be a family with him, if we can.”
“Then it’s up to him how he wants to process this. It’s out of your hands.”
“He told me he loved me. I believed him. I still do. So why is he doing this? Why can’t we sit down and talk?”
“Because he’s hurt and confused.”
“So was I! I still am! You don’t see me trying to dodge his phone calls every time he wants to call and ask about Brody.”
“True, but it’s your responsibility as the one who created this situation to give him access to his son,” she said.
“We both created this situation.”
“You both created Brody. It was your decision to hide him.”
“Thanks,” I said flatly.
“Ana, I’m your friend. I’m not here to make you feel better. I’m a sounding board and a giver of truth. If you can’t accept your part in this, it’s just going to keep hurting.”
“I have accepted it. I told Brody who Tyler was without Tyler there because he was being an asshole!”
“And that was his choice. But you made a choice as well. Had you waited a little while longer, you might not have had to tell him alone.”
“You can really be a bitch sometimes.”
“Ana, don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Throw your guard up. This is a serious situation and there is no right answer. There is no ‘least messy’ way to get out of this. It’s as complicated as it gets. You can rant about it, you can talk to me about it, you can tell me how you’re feeling, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. Someone has to start coping with the reality of this situation.”
“Then why can’t that someone be Tyler, huh? Why does it always have to be me coping with reality? Why can't he do it for once?”
“He is, in his own way, by putting space between you two.”
“Just like I did with us all those years ago,” I said.
“Looks like the two of you are more alike than you figured then.”
I bit down on the inside of my cheek and swirled my wine around in my glass.
“He wanted a second chance and he fought for it,” I said.
“He did.”
“Then I guess that means I have to fight for my second chance if I want it,” I said.
“Do you want it?”
“Yes. I really do.”
“Then
it sounds like you need to draw up a plan to start fighting.”
“I’m so tired of fighting with him, Kristi. I just want to be happy with him for a change.”
“You’re not fighting with him at this point. You’re fighting for him. There’s a difference.”
“I know, I know. I’m just so tired. I’ve been tired for eight years.”
“Which is all the more reason for you to fight for this. Tyler can provide you a great deal of help, financially and emotionally. He can help you shoulder the burden of raising Brody.” She held up her hand. “Not saying Brody is a burden. Don’t put words in my mouth.”
I snickered and took another sip of my wine.
“You know me too well,” I said.
“And Tyler does too. Don’t think he doesn't know what this is doing to you, and don’t think he doesn't feel shitty about it. You know Tyler, even after all these years. The two of you haven't changed as much as you may think.”
“I feel like we have.”
“Because it’s the low point in the road. That always feels worse than it actually is.”
“Gosh, I’m glad Brody is with my parents tonight. I needed time to think, time to talk with you. How could I have been so stupid?”
“You were eighteen. You were thrust into a situation you thought you’d never find yourself in. You did the best you could. It doesn't make you stupid. It makes you cautious. Caring in your own way.”
“I still hurt him.”
“I didn’t say you didn’t. All I’m saying is that it came from a good place, and you have to let that count for something—even if it doesn’t with Tyler right now.”
“He told me he wasn’t sure about our relationship, that he wanted to work on his relationship with his son but not with me,” I said.
“And maybe that’s a blessing in disguise for now. Tyler’s back in a life he left for multiple reasons. Didn’t you say his mother was in the hospital?”
“I didn’t, no, which means you heard it somewhere else.”
“Well, you know how people talk about her.”
“Does anyone know how she’s doing?” I asked.
“Not from what I’ve heard. Only that she has serious cirrhosis and there isn’t a viable donor as of yet to give her a liver.”
“I wish there was something I could do.”
“Just stop and put yourself in Tyler’s shoes for a second. He recently came back to town and opened his own business. Then suddenly he’s got a son and his mother’s dying. That’s a lot to process without throwing a relationship on top of it all.”
“I guess you’re right,” I said.
“Give him some time. He’ll come around and talk to you. He always does.”
“How could he want anything to do with me after all this?” I asked.
“Because he loves you. You and I both know it. He’s upset and hurt, and he’s angry and feels alone. He has a right to his emotions, just like you do. We all told you that you needed to talk to him about this sooner rather than later. Now you’re dealing with the consequences of your decision.”
“I was wondering when the ‘I told you so’ would happen.”
“That’s not the point at all. The point is to get you to see that things can and will get better with time. Don’t force it and don’t hold anything back. You’ve told him how you feel and he knows about Brody, so now the ball is in his court.”
“What if he still doesn’t want me after all this?” I whispered.
Kristi grabbed my hand, pulling my attention to her.
“Then it’s his fucking loss,” she said.
“I know we talked about going out tonight since Brody’s with my parents, but can we stay in? I really don’t feel like getting dressed up and trying to put on a smile.”
“Why do you think I came over in sweatpants? We aren’t going anywhere. We’re going to sit right here, finish our wine, and talk as much as you like.”
“You know, Tyler promised Brody he’d take him to a Dodgers game,” I said, grinning.
“Oh, I bet Brody’s excited about that.”
“He is. He keeps talking about it, but Tyler hasn’t called about it yet. What if—?”
“Don’t conjure scenarios that haven’t happened yet. Don’t do that to yourself.”
“But what—?”
“Stop it.”
“Kristi, I—”
“You don’t know what kind of father Tyler’s going to be until you give him the chance. And if you start wondering about worst-case scenarios now, you’ll sabotage it and drive yourself nuts.”
“I need a contingency plan, Kristi. I need to know what I’m going to do if Tyler isn’t the father we all think he might be,” I said.
“You’ll do what you’ve always done, Ana.”
“And what is that?”
“You’ll be there for your son.”
I finished my glass of wine before I reached for the bottle.
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” I said.
“I’ll drink to that,” Kristi said.
Tyler
“What’s up, Tyler?”
“Hey, Ana. I was calling to talk with you about the Dodgers game,” I said.
“Oh, wow. Already?” she asked.
“Yep. I got last-minute tickets to a game tonight and wondered if I could take him with me.”
“Tonight?”
“Uh huh.”
“Well, he’s been with his grandparents for most of the weekend. I was hoping to have the night with him.”
“It’s just a game. I can snag another ticket if you want to come with us,” I said.
“I don’t know, Tyler. I don’t think tonight is a good night.”
“Ana, you told me I could have Brody whenever I wanted. And I need to make up for lost time—time I’ll never get back with my son.”
“Then why don’t you come over here? I’ll head out for a little while and the two of you can find something to do around here and catch another game next week or something?”
“All the games for the rest of the season are booked out. I’ve already checked. There aren’t any other tickets, and I don’t know if I’ll get lucky like this again,” I said.
“Tyler, compromise with me.”
“Compromise? You didn’t tell me I had a son for eight years and you want me to compromise?”
“That isn’t fair. There are a lot of things at play here. Yes, you can have Brody whenever you want, but I assumed you understood that meant after we had discussed things. Brody has a life with me and with his grandparents.”
“A life I want to be a part of. Ana, don’t make this difficult. I want time with my son, and I’ve got ways of making that happen.”
“Is that a threat?” she asked.
“No. Just—Ana, it’s a baseball game. It’s one night.”
“In the life of a child, it’s never just one night. You can’t call out of the blue and just willy-nilly take my son—”
“Our son,” I said. “Our son, who you refused to tell me about until it was absolutely necessary. Until you got caught.”
Silence fell over the phone, and I stood. Fuck. I should’ve known she would make this hard on all of us. Ana seemed most adept at doing exactly that.
“I don’t trust Brody to be in such a crowded area like that with you,” she said.
“You don’t trust me to protect our son,” I said.
“Not with the way you’re talking to me, no.”
“Then how do you want me to talk to you when I’m upset, Ana?”
“I don’t know, Tyler, but this isn’t it!”
“I’ll keep in touch with you. I’ll text you pictures. Hell, I’ll send you videos if you want me to. But I promised Brody one of these games, and he was really excited about it. This is our only chance. It’s my first promise to my son, and you’re standing in the way of it.”
“Don’t put that on me, Tyler.”
“Then what is your responsibility, Ana? Because
I swear to hell, I can’t figure out what you feel responsible for and what you don’t,” I said.
She sniffled on the other end of the line, and it forced a sigh from my lips. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to happen. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go down. We were supposed to have an amicable relationship for Brody’s sake. And yet here we were, arguing and bickering and yelling at one another over the phone.
“Let me take our son to his first baseball game. Please, Ana.”
“Okay. But keep in touch with me. If I message you, you better respond.”
“I’ll keep my phone where I can see it at all times,” I said.
“What time are you coming by to get him?”
“How does within the next hour sound?”
She sighed heavily before she sniffled again. “He’ll be ready,” she said.
“See you soon.”
I changed my clothes and grabbed all my things, then shoved the tickets into my back pocket. I couldn't wait to take him to see this game. I couldn't wait to share this moment with my son. I raced over to Ana’s house and found them standing on the porch. Brody launched off the edge to come see me. I held my arms out for him and picked up him, twirling him around before he wrapped his arms around my neck.
My son wanted to hug me, and tears crested my eyes at that.
I looked over at Ana, but she didn’t get off the porch. She simply stood there with her arms crossed over her chest. I could’ve sworn she was crying, but I wasn’t sure. And it wasn’t something I was going to confirm. Looking at her still made me angry, and I didn't want to get upset like that in front of Brody. I didn’t want him to see and hear his parents fight like that. Not when I was trying to build a relationship with him.
I pulled his booster seat from Ana’s car when she unlocked it for me, then got Brody buckled in.
“Ready to go to your first baseball game?” I asked.
“Yeah!”
I waved at Ana as we backed up, but she didn’t wave back, which was fine with me. If she didn’t want to be amicable, then I wouldn't force it. I allowed our conversation to sink to the back of my mind as Brody kicked his feet in the back seat, talking about all the things he wanted to do and the food he wanted to get.