by H. Lane
Sam opened her eyes. Jason was still lying beside her, his own eyes closed as he took deep breaths. The lack of restraint he’d shown and aggressiveness with which he acted had been a pleasant surprise, and was echoed in his post-coitus demeanor. Although he looked tired, she had a feeling that he’d be ready for another round of frenzied fucking if she signaled her desire.
And if I wanted to. What do I want?
Answers.
“You awake?” Sam asked.
Jason opened his eyes and turned his head. “Yeah.” He leaned in as if to kiss her cheek, but pulled away before his lips touched her. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know if I can do that with you.”
Sam stared at him for a moment before letting out a barking laugh. “Really? After having sex, you’re worried about kissing me?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“I’m fine.” Sam’s eyes dropped to a red bite mark on his shoulder. She’d never seen the desire to bite someone before, but sex seemed to have awoken odd desires within her. “In some ways.”
Jason gulped. “You have questions.”
“And I’m going to get answers. No more bullshit or evasions.”
He nodded. “It’s what you deserve.”
Sam sat up and pulled the sheets up to cover herself. Part of her felt foolish for doing so after what they’d done, but she wanted her brother as focused as possible on the matter at hand. “You’ve always had a thing for me. Or at least for the last few years.”
“I think I really fell in love with you when you first time you kissed me on your birthday,” Jason said. “I need to thank whoever dared you to do that someday.”
“That so?” Sam muttered. “Why were you a bastard to me when I told you that I loved you?”
Jason sighed and looked away. “I thought that being with you would be bad for you.”
Sam gripped the sheets hard enough she thought she’d tear them. “How the hell did you come to think that?”
He snapped his head back toward her. “Because we’re brother and sister. How do you think people would see us? Or how Mom and Dad would react?”
“Fuck them,” Sam growled. “I loved you, Jason. You should have let me decide what to do with my life. I’m not a kid – I can deal with the world.”
“I was afraid for you,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.”
Sam exhaled a sharp breath. “Is that why you treated me like shit? You were worried I’d do something stupid with you, so you kept me away?”
Jason nodded. “It seemed like the only option I had.”
His face darkened as he opened his mouth to speak again, but he closed it again. “What?” Sam asked. “What were you about to say?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Jason replied. “Just more bullshit.”
“I don’t think that’s possible,” Sam said. “Because right now, you’re so full of it it’s coming out of your ears.”
“Sam—“
“Get out,” she growled. “Get out of my sight.”
She and Jason stared into each other’s eyes for several moments before he broke and turned away. “I guess that’s it then.”
Jason got off the bed and dressed himself, looking away from her the entire time. He managed to pack his clothes and other items up within minutes. When he picked up the sketchbook she’d given him, he held it for a long moment and then put it into his bag. He unhooked his car’s key from his ring and tossed it to Sam. “For getting to Hartford.”
Sam watched him leave and stared at the door for several minutes before releasing her breath and the tension she’d held since telling him to leave. Anger coursed through her as his answers repeated over and over again in her mind. He was completely in the wrong, and his attempts at maintaining a high ground had come crashing down. There was no doubt that she was in the right.
So what now?
The thought emptied much of the anger from her mind. She’d accomplished what she wanted, but the satisfaction she thought would propel her forward only stayed with her, a staid feeling of exuberance. Now that she had her answers, she had no idea what to do with them.
I should move on and leave him behind.
Sam’s heart gave a painful twinge in response to the thought.
Why does he matter anymore? Why can’t I just move on? So what if he loves me – it doesn’t change the past and how he treated me. Even if he gave “reasons”, he was still a complete bastard. I could’ve taken care of myself just fine.
She collapsed atop the bed. So why am I still thinking about him?
* * * *
“Thank you, and enjoy your stay at Econo-Inn.”
Jason took the keycard from the receptionist and trudged toward his room. His steps had all the strength of wet tissue paper and he nearly tripped when a child ran in front of him. The rest of the world wasn’t worth paying attention to – his thoughts were solely on Sam.
And how much she hates you.
Her reaction was more subdued than he’d thought it would be, but even in the unlikely case she’d physically lashed out at him, it wouldn’t be unreasonable, unexpected, or unjustified. He’d lied to Sam and hurt her to make her believe it. She’d been right that there was no way to excuse his actions.
I could’ve told her about how I was afraid for myself. Because of what dad said and did, and how I ruin things.
He snorted and shook his head. There was no point in going on about his relationship with his biological father to Sam. The fact that he’d been a complete prick and blamed him, somewhat justifiably, for ruining his life had no bearing on his sister. And in the end, the old man had been right; Jason had ruined whatever chances he’d had with Sam just like he’d torn his relationship with Haruka apart.
Guess I should thank him or something.
Jason opened the door to his room and stepped inside. Dropping his bag and suitcase on the floor, he walked to the bed and collapsed on top of it. He’d never been more tired in his life. Even breathing was a chore.
So I lied to Sam for all these years and hurt her, then told the truth and hurt her even more.
He didn’t feel anger or sadness in his decision to come clean with Sam, but the relief that came with his confession was tempered with a heavy sadness at her reaction. Jason knew that the chances she’d accept his explanation and love him were low, but feeling the results firsthand was entirely different from thinking about the consequences. Expecting her to do anything else was just a foolish fantasy.
So now what? I just go on with my life and pretend nothing ever happened with Sam?
The thought of going through life without Sam left him empty. Even his fatigue vanished at the thought of the bleakness he’d be surrounded in.
It’s what I deserve.
Chapter 19
Sam let herself sink deeper into the water of the bathtub and sighed. She’d fallen asleep soon after Jason had left the night before and was only now getting the chance to clean herself up. Awaking in his bed had been an unpleasant surprise; she’d thought he was still with her for a moment.
And you’re lying to yourself by thinking you don’t regret that a little bit.
She took the washcloth and began to scrub herself. Imagining that she was cleansing herself of Jason’s touch made her dig deeper into her skin, but Sam found that thinking of him only aroused her. Gritting her teeth, she finished quickly and tossed the cloth aside. Even when Jason wasn’t lying to her he still managed to press her buttons.
It’s OK to admit that the sex was good. Great. But there’ll be other guys, and they’ll be way better.
Sam blew her nose in the soapy water. She was never good at lying, and that was especially true when she lied to herself. Jason was still Jason, the first man she truly loved. Even when he’d tried keeping himself away by being a bastard she wasn’t able to forget that. Hearing his explanation—
No! His explanation was bullshit. He didn’t
trust you and he was probably more worried about saving his own reputation than he was about you.
Sam smacked the water with her palm. Jason said he’d been trying to protect her; she didn’t know if she could trust him, but what difference did it make if he were telling the truth? He’d been willing to deny her and himself for misery instead. What kind of man would do that?
What kind of parents would put up with that?
She bit her lip. As wonderful as her parents were in many aspects, they were unflinching when it came to discipline. Although she had suffered the worst from their attitude, Jason had borne a great deal of derision and their desire to control his life as well. Neither was happy to see him become a “simple” artist; they attempted pushing him into architecture and teaching for years, and even discussed cutting his tuition at one point. Even now they often made their disquiet about his career path known.
We could’ve done it in secret. They wouldn’t have to know anything about us, same as the rest of the world. Except we’d be lying, and probably get caught, and have the whole thing blow up in our faces. What if Dad got mad at Jason or Mom? What if…
Her mind went back to the night when she’d confessed. Looking back, Sam couldn’t understand how she thought telling him the truth drunk and doing everything but strip naked on the spot was a good idea. She’d come on so strong and relentless that if she’d been a guy, it would’ve resembled a terrible bodice ripper romance rather than the loving image she wanted it to be. No wonder Jason was worried about her doing something stupid – she’d been an idiot around him.
But her recent thoughts only salved her anger instead of dissipating it entirely. Jason might have acted in what he thought was her best interest, but he’d still hurt her. Sam still couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done no matter what her feelings were toward him.
It’s not love. It can’t be.
She rose from the water and stepped out. As tempting as soaking and ruminating over her love life would be, Hartfod called to her. Although Julia was busy at her student job, her friend Anita would be showing her more of the campus and talking to her about employment. Jason might be important, but didn’t overshadow the rest of her life.
He’s just going to be a large part of it.
Sam was still unsure of whether that was a good thing or not.
* * * *
Jason was half-awake as he reached into his pocket for his buzzing cell phone. Fumbling about its touch screen, it took several tries for him to hit the “call” button. He opened his mouth to speak but the sound that came out resembled Neanderthal-esque grunting rather than human speech.
“Someone hasn’t had their coffee,” Valerie said.
“Sorry,” Jason said, clearing his throat. “Having kind of a shit morning.”
And a shit life if I’m being honest with myself.
“Damn. Baby sister being a brat?”
“No,” Jason said sternly. He took a deep breath. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to come off like an ass.”
Valerie snorted. “Better than coming on to me like one. So what’s wrong?”
“Everything about me.”
“That’s not very helpful.”
“I’m not good at helping people in general,” Jason said.
“Well, maybe I can help you, then. Wanna talk about it over lunch?”
Jason gave a deep exhale. “Not really. But the cure is supposed to be worse than the disease.”
“Wait, are you actually sick?”
“No.”
Valerie sighed in relief. “Good, because my in-laws would probably see me getting sick as a ‘flaw in my moral character’ and try taking the kiddo from me. Well, more obviously than they are now, anyways.”
“I don’t have a car right now, so you’ll have to pick me up.”
“Damn, did it finally break?”
No, I did. “I gave it to Sam for the day. Figure she doesn’t need a babysitter just going around campus.”
“OK. Give me the address and I’ll be there in a few.”
Jason did and hung up. Getting off the bed, he lumbered out of the room; he hadn’t changed before falling asleep and the effort to do so now seemed insurmountable. Walking to the hotel’s drop-off at the entrance, he leaned against the wall and sighed. There wasn’t any hope that being around anyone besides Sam would improve his mood; he’d need to rely on time and possibly alcohol for the healing he needed to move on.
Valerie arrived in her cherry red Cadillac. Stopping in front of Jason, she rolled the window down and leaned over, her cleavage on display in her short top. “Wanna go for a ride, hot stuff?” she said, winking over her sunglasses.
“Who are you talking to?” Jason asked.
“Funny.”
Jason climbed into her car and slumped against the seat. A quick glance over his shoulder confirmed that they were alone. “Where’s the kid?”
“At her grandparents. They’re probably going to tell her that I’m not her real mom or something. In-laws.” Valerie huffed and shook her head. “You have a favorite place to eat around here?”
“Not really. I haven’t been around town that much except for the campus.”
“I know this great Greek place if you’re in the mood for it.”
“Does it have an open bar?” Jason asked.
Valerie raised an eyebrow. “No?” She tilted her head. “You look like crap. Kind of smell like it too.”
“I told you that I wasn’t feeling great,” Jason said.
“You told me you weren’t sick.”
Jason shrugged. “I am. Of myself.”
Valerie pinched the bridge of her nose and grimaced before pulling out of the drop-off area. “So what happened? Is it a good guess that it’s got something to do with your sister?”
“What makes you think it involves her?”
“Do you really want to play this game or get help?”
Jason swallowed a lump down his dry throat. “I fucked up with her. Badly.”
“How badly? I mean, you’re her brother – she can’t stay mad at you forever.”
“It’s a long story. And you’re going to be disgusted with me by the end of it.”
“I’ve got a full tank and a free morning,” Valerie said. “As for disgust, I’m a mom. I’ve seen worse shit come out of my kid than anyone has the right to.” She gave him a serious expression. “You can trust me, Jay.”
It’s not like it can get any worse
Jason spoke, detailing his relationship with Sam up until the night before. Telling Valerie about it was difficult at first, but became easier as he went on, the heavy burden the secret had saddled him with decreasing with every word. He looked away when he brought up the sex; Valerie was no Puritan, but there was no telling how she’d react. Like with Sam, he kept the part about his father out – there was no point clouding the issue with unrelated problems.
“And that’s it,” Jason said. “And that’s how I screwed up. If Sam was just my sister, I could see her forgiving me someday. But we’re not just siblings – we haven’t been in years.”
Valerie took a sharp turn into an empty parking. It was the first real action she’d taken since Jason had begun talking; she’d remained quiet and hadn’t interrupted the entire time. Pulling into a space, she fixed a hard glare on him.
“So, overall, you’d say you screwed the pooch literally and figuratively?”
Jason let out an angry exhalation. “If you’re not going to listen seriously—“
She slapped his arm hard. “God, don’t get all stern on me. You might only be a quarter-Asian, but you’ve got the whole ‘pissed off martial arts master’ face down pat.”
“If you don’t want to see me pissed off, then don’t piss me off. Or call my sister a dog.”
“Sorry,” Valerie said, frowning. “Just thought you could use something to laugh at.”
Jason shook his head. “What I need right now is to… I don’t even
know.”
“Make up and make out with your sister?” Valerie raised her hands when Jason glared at her. “That was the last joke, I promise.”
“I don’t deserve to be with her,” Jason said. “I lied and treated her like dirt for the past few years. She deserves someone who doesn’t do that, and who isn’t me.”
“What’s so terrible about you? I mean, yeah, you lied and shit, but she still had sex with you. She doesn’t hate you that much unless she’s crazy.”
Jason bit down on his cheeks. “I just ruin these kinds of things, OK?”
“Ruin what?”
“Relationships,” he replied. “I fuck them up no matter what I do.”
“That’s not true,” Valerie said. “You’ve… never actually talked about any exes or mentioned a girl or boyfriend before.”
“Exactly. I’m not cut out for them – I’d just fuck them up if I ever tried.”
Valerie raised an eyebrow. “That’s pretty extreme bullshit. And circular. You’ll screw up with someone if you’re with them, so you’ll never be with anyone? What kind of proof do you have that you’ll fail?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does! It matters more than anything! Because if you set yourself up to fail based on something that was complete bullshit, then you’ll never forgive yourself!”
Jason’s hands tightened into fists, nails almost cutting into his skin. “I broke up my parents when I was a kid. That’s how I know.”
Chapter 20
Valerie blinked. “What? How?”
“My parents didn’t plan on me, and my dad never wanted kids,” Jason replied. “Hell, he never wanted to get married. When my mom got pregnant their relationship got worse. They pretty much fell apart after I was born.”
“Jason—“
“And he never let me forget it about it. He had a great life planned – inherit the family business, fuck around with whoever he wanted, travel the world.” Jason exhaled a harsh breath from his nostrils. “His parents practically disowned him for having a bastard with an non-WASP, and it turns out even being a half-assed father is a lot of work. My mom got sick of how he was acting and broke up with him after he surrendered all parental rights. I can’t remember the last time I saw him.”