Suddenly, I saw lightning shooting between the crawl space sides, arcing outwards towards the hatch opening, where several rifle barrels were killing me. I was blinded by the light of a brilliant flash and then a dead calm settled over the crawl space.
Then I blacked out.
22.
I drifted through the dark ocean of data once more. I was a mote of light, just below the surface, one of the trillions of glowing nano-plankton of information. I darted between the other data motes, swimming in the warm thick soup of probability. A dark form appeared before me and I saw a fish made of ones and zeros swallow me, and then I was the fish. I swam and I swam, but I was not as fast as the shark the caught me and became me. I stalked the sea and caught the scent of knowledge in the waters. I followed it, coming upon an island of doubt. I saw a figure standing on the island, and it was speaking to me.
“One day, when all this is over, I’ll return to the university on Kanto Prime.”
This confused me. I was enraptured by the voice, it was somehow familiar, but unknown at the same time. It went on.
“I originally thought I’d end up specialising in Bio-Augs, but now I’m not so sure. Seth’s NP is fascinating, and I’m considering focusing my remaining studies on nanite research.”
Another figure rose out of the sands, wreathed in disappointment. It joined the first and began to speak as well.
“I’m sure whatever you put your mind to you’ll do well. We’re lucky to have you here. I wanted to thank you for helping Seth with his problem.”
“Oh, it’s no problem. It’s really good to be using my skills, I’m finally doing what I’ve been studying for all these years. It’s really me who should be thanking you.”
“You’re a gem, Zoe. That boy’s got a thick head on him, and you’re doing him a world of good. Do you two plan on anything long term?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t even know if he wants something long term. We’re…taking it slow at the moment. Because of the nanites.”
“How are you feeling about that?”
“I understand why, but we’re always so close, it’s hard not to want him with me.”
“Ah…young love. It’s always like that, you know?”
“Is this what love is?”
“Sure. I used to date his father, did he tell you?”
“Really? No, he never talks about his dad.”
“We were both young, like you two. I was caught up in the image of the dashing starship Captain, making a name for himself in the galaxy. Caster Donovan, the best bounty hunter in the Eridani System! He was a lot like Seth.”
“What happened?”
“He got himself shot. Stupid mistake. Tried to break up a bar fight and he got killed by one of the brawlers. Seth was only a boy when it happened. I had to tell him, poor thing.”
“Where was his mother?”
“She…she was never in the picture. I don’t even know her.”
“That’s sad.”
“We were always there for him, or at least we tried to be. Eric and I are the only two who are left from Caster’s old crew. Everyone else either died or left for various reasons. I tried to make sure the ideals that Caster lived by were instilled in the boy, but I’ve always doubted myself. I’m not his mother, or his father, just a crew member who he grew up with.”
“He loves you, Maxine. You’re the closest thing he has to family.”
“The cheeky bastard is listening to us.”
I realised then who I was, and that I was alive and waking up. I could feel the uncomfortable med lab bunk below me. A splitting headache was doing its best to break my skull in two. I was groggy, and I could feel several areas of my body that were doing their best to outdo the headache in pain. A finger lifted one eyelid and flashed a pen light into my eye. I recoiled from the piercing light and tried to bat the pen away from my face but strong hands grabbed them and shoved them down. My other eye was treated to the same attempt at blinding me for life.
“He’s lucid, barely.” Came Zoe’s voice.
I could feel the bunk shifting as someone sat on the mattress.
“How do you feel?” came Max’s concerned voice.
“Murmledurf.” I mumbled.
“Drink this.” Zoe tilted my head back and put a cold cup to my lips. I sipped feebly at the liquid, bitter and sweet at the same time.
“Whaddapend?” I almost sounded legible again.
“You had a seizure. You pushed your nanites too much and they took too much from you.”
“Had to. Lifendef”
“So I hear. You’re very lucky. Fel found the Coil Wraith and Crege managed to get the Dreaming through the debris field close enough for Fel to beam it into pieces.” Explained Max at the end of the bunk.”
“Dya get da bomb?” I muttered.
“No we used the beamer.” Insisted Max. I went to ask her again about the bomb, but she squeezed my leg and I manage to open an eye in askance. “Artemis made it out. So did Mal and his cargo.”
I heard a distance voice, from the other side of the med lab where the other bunk was. “We got lucky, lover boy.” Said Artemis, “When the Coil Wraith got iced the synthetics lost their brain and just collapsed.”
“What she doing here?”
“She tore her wound open in the fight. Took a few hits too.”
“My chest.”
“You caught a solid hit right on your sternum. Titanium plate coped a bit of heat but only superficial burning from the direct hit. We’ve got a nanite skin patch working to repair the synth skin over it. It will itch, so try not to scratch it.”
It did itch, I tried to scratch it but Zoe slapped my hands away.
“You took several hits to your forearms, your suit took most of the damage but your cyber-arm will need to come off for repairs. I’m making a nanite bath for it now.” She said.
“Off?”
“It won’t hurt, but I can’t do it while it’s still attached, the nerve fibres will burn out your neuro-shunt if I try.”
“Okay. Tac?”
Max answered this. “It’s with Fel. He’s secluded himself in his cabin since Mal gave it to him. That’s some treasure you’ve found.”
“What is it? It’s some special AI isn’t it?”
“Very. One of a kind, I think. It was the reason the Espers attacked the Veng ship.”
“Is Mal okay?”
“Not a scratch on him.”
“Lucky bastard.”
“Not lucky. He had a very good guardian. You did well.”
“Thanks, Max. It was touch and go there at the end.”
“I’ll own that, Seth. I shouldn’t have sent you guys in, it was risky and we have enough on our plate without inviting more trouble.”
“Worthwhile risk. I needed the action with my NP before we go into Gossamer. I needed to know how I can use them.”
“And?”
“I’m impressed. If only I don’t always end up with a headache like this? Can you give me anything, doc?”
Zoe chuffed. “Can’t do. Besides the wisdom you’ll gain contemplating the consequences of overdoing yourself, the risk the painkillers will mask the onset of another seizure is too great. All I can offer you is a mild analgesic.”
“I’ll take two.”
Maxine patted my leg affectionately and left with orders to get better and Zoe gave me two tablets that I struggled to swallow. She took a few more readings and then set about removing my cybernetic arm. A few probes with her fingers and a few tools poking into my synthetic skin and the arm came free with a wet sucking noise. She carried it over to a workbench and started her repairs. It was such a horrible sensation, the sudden loss of weight. I felt like I was half a person and was unbalanced lying down. I heard Artemis chuckle on the other side of the med lab.
“You know, wish I could have done that back on the wreck. Would have made it a hell of a lot easier to drag you out of that crawl space.”
“You got me out?”
; “With Mal’s help. That man complains more than anyone else I know.”
“Tell me about it.”
“He cut a section of the deck plates out and had to pull you feet first through the crawlspace to get to you. I saw your M4 MAEL suit. There’s no shield generator.”
“Don’t like them.”
“I saw you use a shield in there.”
“Yeah, another of those sexy tricks.”
“Miniature portable?”
“Nano-proliferation.”
“Huh. That explains the whole ‘Seth has the flu’ bullshit the other week.”
“Yeah, figured we could use the edge.”
She was silent for a few moments, and I was about to try and sleep when she started again.
“This changes a few things.”
“How do you mean?” I tried to sound annoyed. I really wanted to sleep.
“I’ll tell you when the time comes. For now, everything is going well.”
I tried to laugh at her concept of going well, but only ended up making my head explode in pain. I groaned a few times and rolled over. It felt so weird not having my arm. Thankfully I fell asleep in no time.
I awoke again some time later, Zoe was shaking me lightly. She had my arm on a tool cart beside her, along with a few tools.
“It’s ready. Roll over and I’ll re-attach it.”
I was still groggy, but the headache had cleared at least. I could feel my other injuries rather acutely though. I complied and she started to activate the cybernetic connections in my shoulder once more, and like old lovers my arm and joint connected again. I felt whole. She made a few adjustments with her tools, and patted my arm when she was done and smiled at me.
“Good as new. How do you feel?”
“Like a new man.” I lied, trying to sit up. She helped up when she saw me wincing. I could see that Artemis had left the med lab while I slept.
“We’re alone.” She said.
“Good. I wanted to talk to you.”
“I’m listening.” She said as she rubbed my arm.
“When I was in the hulk, I almost had another attack.”
“Your PTSD?”
“Yeah.”
“Tell me about it.” She sat on the bed beside me and assumed the pose that she usually did when she was being a professional listener. I’d seen it many times and it meant that she was taking what I said seriously, and would analyse it and apply her training to what I said.
“We’d already had an engagement, it was brief but very violent. I had no trembles, no shaking or tunnel vision. Then when we had to make a stand in the computer room where we found Tac…”
“Tac?”
“The AI Core we rescued. The Esper synthetics were after it, I think. They had us pinned in the compartment, so we assembled a quick battle plan to delay them while the Dreaming got into position to help us. Right before the start of the fight, our plan got thrown out the window due to a change in circumstances, and the synthetics hit us while we were still getting prepared. It was touch and go, right off the bat. I don’t know what happened, I suddenly froze and started hyperventilating.”
“What shook you out of it? We’ll deal with what may have triggered it after we talk about this.”
“I’m not sure exactly. I saw that Mal and Art were in trouble, that if I did nothing there was a good chance they were going to die. I just sort of got over it, I guess. Controlled my breathing and reassessed my position. I was fine after that.”
“That was good news at least. You managed to overcome the attack through force of will. Your subconscious no longer holds complete control over your mind, and you’re slowly teaching it that you don’t need it’s protection. It’s beginning to trust you with your own mind again.”
“You think I’m getting better? I had another attack, though.”
She poked me in the chest. It hurt.
“Ouch! Why’d you do that?”
“That pain, does it mean that your chest wound is getting better or worse?”
“Neither. I know it’s getting better, but it still hurts!”
“That’s my point. Your mental wounds are healing, they still hurt when they’re poked, but we know they’re getting better.”
“Okay, I see your point.”
“The fact that it wasn’t an external stimulus that snapped you out of the attack this time means you’re improving. Your own conscious mind did this. Because you wanted it to. I think what triggered it wasn’t the battle, but that you had your mind set on a plan, and it was taken from you before your mind could recover and formulate a new one.”
“I don’t know, the first time we were attacked it was an ambush.”
“But you weren’t setting into a plan then. It’s kind of like when you’ve been doing maths for half an hour and suddenly someone asks you to catch a ball. Your mind isn’t prepared for it, but I bet if they’d asked you an equation you’d still be able to answer it quickly.”
“Are you saying that my mind was already thinking it was in control, and when that rug was pulled out from under me my PTSD was waiting underneath?”
“You build comfort from familiarity, from being in control and falling back on your training. A lot of that comes from your subconscious too, like muscle memory. Relying on it helps free your conscious mind up for other things, but in this case I think you got disconnected a little. Don’t worry, I still believe you’re making progress. Don’t consider this a slip backwards. I don’t.”
“It feels like it to me.” She put her arm around my neck and kissed me on the cheek.
“This just proves to me that you’re making progress. In more than one area of control, too.”
I turned to look at her. She had a mischievous grin on her face. I kissed her, and soon we were consumed with each other’s needs. We made love right there on the med lab bunk. It hurt, but the pain was only telling me I was alive.
23.
I stayed one more night in med lab, for observation Zoe said. We’d already decided that we would still remain apart while we slept, but it did feel good to be able to get close to her once more without fearing that I’d hurt her. I think Zoe forced me to stay in med lab one more night just to keep me to herself, but I was glad for the company. We talked some more about my PTSD, and about the similarities between my last episode and some of the mental trauma I’d faced when I lost some of my squad in the Gossamer System. She couldn’t keep me forever, though, and eventually I was allowed to leave.
My first stop was the mess hall, where I fed myself a hearty breakfast of black meal and coffee. Next I went to my cabin to change out of the medical gown I was still walking around in. It felt good to shower again, I still had small amounts of blood caked and hardened in some places, where the sponge bath I’d been given when I was brought on board and stabilised hadn’t reached. I examined my chest wound while I soaked up the hot water. It was an angry red circle on my breastbone. The synth skin was still repairing, as it was organic and needed to regrow. When I was done showering, I changed into my ship’s jump suit and sauntered up to Maxine’s cabin. She was inside, and welcomed me in.
“I’m back on duty.” I explained.
“Good, we’re going to go over the sling shot in a bit, with Crege and Fel. I wanted you to be there.”
“Want to fill me in on our extra-curricular activities?”
“Yes. Sit.” I did so, “We got two of the three bombs off. The waveguide bomb is taken care of, those scanning nanites gave us the info we needed and I got a package on Argessi Jump Station that could replicate a cage for it. The water tank bomb is gone, too. The cryo-nanites worked a treat. The coupling bomb, the first one we found, was an issue though. We were starting to implement a plan to get it off when we needed to abort and rescue you guys.”
“So two out of three isn’t bad.”
“If we assume there are no more bombs, which I believe there are, Eric says that with the main propulsion waveguide feed protected and the water tanks safe we may
be able to rebuild, given extensive dry dock time. The problem is the primary emissions coupler. If that goes, we’re going to take a hell of a long time limping to somewhere that can service us. We’d have to be close to an outpost, or station.”
“Any luck finding more of the charges?”
“A little. Eric thinks they pulled open the starboard ion chamber. We haven’t been able to get in there yet, since we’ve been under thrust for pretty much the entire trip. We’ll have to keep an eye out for an opportunity to open it up. We also haven’t had the chance to get close to the primary ignition coils, or the beamer.”
“You think they’d put a charge in the beamer?”
“Makes sense, they’ll need to make sure we can’t shoot at them when they come to pick up Artemis.” I thought about that, and realised she was right.
“We can get into that from the command deck.”
“Only problem is it’s a little too open. Hard to pull out all the deck head plates and go crawling through the beamer guts with that bitch walking around freely.”
“Won’t need to. I can send my nanites up there to take a peek.”
“You’re a good boy, Donny. I knew there was a reason I keep you around.”
“There’s another thing. Art reacted to finding out about my nano-proliferation rather curiously.”
“Go on.”
“She said ‘This changes a few things’.”
“Curious, indeed.”
“Any idea what she was talking about?”
“Maybe. It’s not good, if it’s what I’m thinking.”
“Tell me.”
She looked thoughtful for a moment. “No.” This caught me off guard.
“What? Why not?”
“I want to talk to her first. Either confirm or deny my suspicions, before I go giving you more stress than you need, right now.”
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